Shattered Essence (14 page)

Without a second of hesitation I
said, “So where will you be staying? I’ll make sure to have your stuff shipped
to you.”

With wide eyes and open mouth she struck
back with, “Who said I’d be leaving?”

“You can’t stay here if you’re using
drugs. I will not tolerate it. I cannot tolerate it.” Pointing at the cookie
jar, I continued, “More importantly, I do not want that shit around Megan.”

“You could leave,” she screamed at
me.

Slowly shaking my head back and
forth, I abruptly said, “No Paige, Megan and I will not be leaving.”

I knew my tone would remind her of
our pre-nuptial agreement. I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings. I was done
bending over backward for her. I was done with her greedy fingers. Her silly
excuses. Her inability to be a mother—and how could I forget her newest iniquity,
drug use?

She placed her head in her hands and
started crying. “I fucked up Drew. I am so sorry. I don’t want to leave.”

“You did fuck up, Paige.” I was
angry. I didn’t give a shit what she said.

She slid off the chair she was
sitting on and fell to her knees. “Please, forgive me. Please! I don’t want to
leave, don’t make me leave! I’ll stop using drugs, I promise.”

She crossed the line when she
brought drugs into my home. Around our daughter. I didn’t have it in me to
forgive her. I was tired of her hot and cold attitude. I knew this was a
turning point in our marriage—it was the beginning of the end for us. When I
looked at her it was as if I was truly seeing her for the first time. She
looked wretched, stressed, and ten years older than she really was.

On hands and knees she crawled to
where I was sitting. Wrapping her arms around my ankles she pleaded, “Please
Drew, I’m begging you.”

“Paige, you don’t get it!” I yelled
as I slammed my hands on the table.

I ran my fingers through my hair. “I
don’t want you to do anything for me. I want you to do it because
you
want to do it. I want
you
to be happy, but you have to be the one who
ultimately decides what happy is for
you
.”

“Help me Drew, please help me,” she begged.
“I am so tired of screwing up.”

I had to remind myself regardless of
what she looked like she was still my wife. As fucked up as this whole
situation was, I felt obligated to help her. In truth part of it was my fault. Wasn’t
it? The guilt that it was my fault Paige turned out the way she did was eating
me up. I could have talked to her more when I got home from work but instead I
used the excuse of being too tired or I had work to do. I always had something else
to do other than spend time with my wife. In the end I knew why I came up with
one excuse right after the other. I loved Paige as much as I could, but I
wasn’t in love with her. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t fall head over heels
for her. In the beginning I tried. When I couldn’t make her happy I tried to
make her happy with money. I had to forgive her, because the truth was, I
needed forgiveness as well. Not to mention I had to prove to myself I made the
right choice in marrying Paige. I had to make it work because I had given up on
the hope of ever being happy again.  

I reached down and gently pulled
Paige off the floor. I led her to the kitchen table where we both sat. I was
holding both of her hands in mine. “If you’re serious about staying we need to
fix our relationship. Starting with the need to set some ground rules,” I
stated.

She didn’t say anything, simply
nodded as she squeezed my hands.

“You need to go to rehab. Then you need
to find something to occupy your time. Find a hobby, a job, or find someplace
you can volunteer so you’re not at home all the time. I think any one or all of
these activities will help give you a sense of accomplishment. Finally, you
need to sever your ties with any and all your friends doing drugs. You can no
longer spend time with them. Instead, you can spend time with your daughter. Or
make new friends.”

I looked her in the eyes, studying
her body language. I was trying to get a true feeling for what she was
thinking. “I, on the other hand, promise to make an honest effort to be a
better husband. I will keep my work at work. I will spend more time with you. I
will do whatever it is you need me to do.”

“I don’t think I have a drug problem.
I could quit smoking pot anytime.” She smiled way too easily, which meant she
was trying to deceive me. I bit my tongue. I was going to let her finish what
she had to say.

She continued, “Besides smoking pot
isn’t bad. How could it be? It’s prescribed medicinally.”

“It is illegal, Paige,” I said.

“I’ll prove to you I can quit anytime
I want to,” she claimed.

I noticed her face was almost
glowing. She truly believed she could quit on her own. “You can’t sit there and
tell me you can quit anytime you want to.” I pointed toward the mess in the
kitchen. “Take a look around you. You single-handedly turned the kitchen upside
down and for what? Dope? Who does shit like that?” I answered my own question,
“An addict, that’s who.”

I continued disputing her claim with,
“I see addicts in my line of work every day. They say they can quit anytime
they want. The ugly truth is they can’t quit without help. Most of them end up replacing
one addiction with another, usually a stronger, drug.”

“I can quit, I swear.”

“I’m sorry, Paige—if you really want
this to work, rehab is a must. As is cutting ties with Taylor Kelly.”

“You can’t make me!” she screamed.

I kept my voice as calm as I could.
“No Paige, I can’t. Again, you are the one who ultimately has to decide.”

I scooted my chair back. “You have
till tomorrow night to decide whether you want to be a part of this family or
not. If you choose not to, please be gone by the time I get home from work.”

With that being said I stood up,
walked out of the kitchen, and headed to bed. I wasn’t going to give her an
opportunity to respond. As I climbed the stairs I was thankful it was Friday
night and Megan was spending the night at a friend’s house.

When I got home the following
evening Paige and Megan were making dinner. It was time for me to put my big
boy britches on. I had to keep the promises I made.

Early
Fall

Espe

I was sitting out on the deck
drinking a cup of coffee, enjoying the beautiful fall morning. The sun was
shining and the dew on the grass looked like sparkling diamonds. Several birds
were chirping in nearby trees. The steam from my coffee rose in tiny spirals
that evaporated into the air. It was a perfect morning. I was truly relaxed and
at peace. I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply—the brisk air smelled like wet dirt
and pine needles with a sprinkle of musk. In my tranquil state I continued to
inhale the fresh air when out of nowhere an image of Drew popped into my head.

Aside from the occasional dream, it
had been several years since the last time I thought of Drew. I wasn’t sure why
I thought of him with confused sadness. I felt tightness in my gut; almost a
nauseous feeling and it was overwhelming me. I couldn’t understand the feelings
I was having—it almost felt like I had lost something but was relieved it was
gone. Part of me wanted to cry, the other part of me wanted to sing out in joy.
I knew on some level what I was experiencing wasn’t about my perception of Drew.
I could never be happy I lost him. I cherished every minute I had with him
including the heartache and the loss. He was my first love and eighteen-year-old
me, to this day, still loved eighteen-year-old Drew. It was one of the
strangest experiences I have ever had.

I was so lost in my thoughts I
didn’t even notice when Jake sat in the chair next to me.

“You feeling okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, fine I was just thinking
about an old friend.” I smiled at him.

Smiling back he said, “It’s such a
nice day I was thinking about taking a bike ride to Leadville. We could take a
small hike then head into town for some lunch.”

“A nice ride through the mountains
would be great. I love this time of year with all the trees changing color.”
Finishing my coffee, I asked excitedly, “When do you want to leave?”

Before taking a sip of his coffee,
he said, “The sooner the better.”

I stood up and started walking
inside. “Okay, let me put on a pair of jeans and make sure the boys have money
in case they want to order a pizza for lunch.”

“Sounds good, I’m going to finish my
coffee then head to the garage to get the bike ready.”

In less than thirty minutes we were
headed Northwest on Colorado Highway 24.

During our one-hundred-thirty-mile
trip I caught Jake shaking out his right hand several times. After about the
tenth time I asked him, “Is your hand okay?”

“The vibration from the bike is
making my Spidey sense tingle.”

Laughing, I thought,
always a
comedian.

It was almost ten thirty in the
morning when we arrived in Leadville. The ride up was brisk and the scenery was
statuesque. After a brief pit stop we headed to Twin Lakes for a five-mile
hike.

It was two o’clock in the afternoon
before we sat down for lunch.

“Dang, I am beat up. The hike took a
lot out of me,” Jake said as he rested his head on the back of the booth we
were sitting in.

“Tell me about it. I really need to
get my ass back into the gym,” I retorted.

“Seriously Espe, I feel like I’m
falling apart. If it’s not one part of my body hurting it’s another.” Closing
his eyes he added, “Last week it took me three days to get rid of a headache.
The week before I could have sworn I had a touch of the flu and today I can’t
get the pins and needles feeling out of my hand.”

He chuckled before continuing. “I’m
telling you, babe, if my body keeps this up I have no idea how much longer I’m
going to be on God’s green earth.”

“You shouldn’t talk like that.” I
reached across the table for his hands and rubbed my thumbs on the backside of
his hands. “Maybe before I order your casket you should see a doctor,” I said
as I raised my eyebrows.

“Maybe,” he said while reaching for
his iced tea with one hand and placing the other on his lap.

Good old Jake not willing to show
any type of affection in public. No hugs, no kisses, no spooning, nope not
Jake. The only time he touched me was when he wanted sex,
I thought to
myself. Sometimes he acted more like a brother than a husband. I wondered if
other couples experienced similar issues.

I leaned in toward him. “How long
has it been since you had a physical?”

Snickering. “Years.”

“Maybe it’s about time, don’t you
think?”

“I’m sure I’m fine. It’s nothing to
worry about.” Looking out the window he said, “The doctor will probably just
say it is the start of carpel tunnel from all the repetitive motion of using a
socket wrench.” He laughed. “All joking aside, if it’s still bothering me in a
week I’ll make an appointment, I promise.”

Same
day

Drew

I didn’t think I was a demanding
husband. All I ever asked from Paige was for her to be honest with me. I didn’t
care if she couldn’t cook or clean. I didn’t care if her friends were over when
I got home from work. Those were minor details. The only thing I truly cared
about was Megan. I wanted her to grow up to be a respectful human being. To be
mentally strong with a good head on her shoulders. I wanted her to be healthy.
To believe in herself. To be confidant. I wanted her to know she was loved by
both of her parents.

I’m not going to lie. There were
many times during this cluster fuck of a marriage I thought about leaving. The
only thing that kept me trying to make it work was Megan. I thought if I could
just stay married to Paige till Megan graduated from high school, by then Megan
would be well-rounded.

I couldn’t even remember the last
time Paige and I had a good time. It had been months since we’d done anything
together as husband and wife. I think the last time we had sex was a year and a
half ago. The sad part was I had no desire to sleep with her. If there ever had
been a time I was happy with Paige it was long gone and forgotten.

This last stunt Paige pulled told me
I couldn’t live like this anymore. Did she honestly think I was stupid enough
to believe her latest lie?

Who in the hell goes to the
grocery store on Friday night and doesn’t come home till Sunday afternoon? With
no fucking groceries!

I am so done!

According to Paige her car broke down
on the way to the grocery store and she couldn’t find her cell phone to call
me. She tried to walk home and got lost. She walked back to the car where she slept
for two nights. No one had stopped to help her. Then this morning she tried to
start the car and it worked. Not to mention she found her cell phone and her
battery was dead.

She sure as hell didn’t look like
she’d spent two nights stranded in her car.

We lived on Coronado Island,
population around 19,000. Land area 7.7 square miles. She could have walked
down every fucking street in less than two days. 

We have lived in the same fucking
house for four fucking years! She went to the same damn grocery store three
times a week. How in the hell could she get lost? If she truly was lost why in
the hell does she look like she just stepped out of the shower? Fresh makeup.
Perfectly combed hair. Clean clothes.
I’m pretty sure your cell phone
doesn’t fucking buzz when it’s dead.

I gave her everything she asked for.
A large home, a nice car, a huge closet, money to spend, and family vacations.

I was done with her lies, her
frivolous spending, her constant nagging, and her attitude. I was done with her
off-the-wall excuses. I was tired of living in a pig pen. I was tired of the
way she treated our daughter. I was tired of constantly defending her actions
to my family and friends. I was tired of coming home to find Megan crying. Most
of all I was tired of trying to make my marriage work. The more I thought about
all the shit I had to put up with over the last sixteen years the more I
resented her. Everything about her was a lie and I hated her.