Shattered (30 page)

The next day was much of the same. I worked in the morning, but I didn't sleep much the night before, so I was more tired than usual. Productivity wasn't something that was happening much in my corner of the shared office. My mind kept flittering back to Hailey and the conversation I'd had with her a couple of nights prior.

When I got home, Grayson called to say that he would be over shortly. I hurried up, whipped together a quick meal, and had it ready when he knocked on the door.

Swinging the door open, I was met with Grayson's strong arms and a kiss on the lips.

"Smells so good in here. What is that?" Grayson asked as he slowly lowered me back down to the floor.

"Chicken Noodle casserole. Come on, it's ready and I'm hungry." I pulled Grayson into the kitchen and served us both. We made small talk, Grayson mainly focusing on the new waitresses at Ada's and how one just wasn't cutting it, but he didn't have the heart to let her go. I didn't have much to report. Work hadn't been anything exciting for me. Miranda was so busy that I never really saw her. A few of the scouting locations that she went on didn't require photography, so that left me with even less time with her.

Grayson must have been talking and asking me questions when I finally focused back on the conversation he was trying to have with me. Looking over at him, I could find nothing but irritation flooding his face, but I had no idea how to get rid of it.  

"You're thinking about Colby, aren't you?" Grayson asked a few minutes later, killing the calm that had settled over us.

"What? Why would you say that?" I asked, feeling a bit annoyed.

"You haven't been the same since you got that phone call from Hailey. You haven't been sleeping much and you're constantly spacing out. I can see your mind wandering. It's not on me, so it must be on him." The forced tone with which Grayson delivered his words contrasted with the sullenness of his face. He didn't look angry or overly excited. He just looked like--Grayson. I didn't answer him right away, making him set his fork down and sit back in his chair. "I can see it, Dallis. I can see that Colby is on your mind. Why don't you just get it over with and go and see him?"

My eyes quickly widened as the mention of going to see Colby and anger flared up inside of me. Was he serious? Did he really want me to go and see my ex--the ex who had previously held my heart and then smashed it with such cruel and callous words? I closed my eyes and had to shake my head to make sure that I was hearing him correctly. "You want me to go and see Colby?"

"Yes," he calmly responded.

"Why?"

"So I can have you back. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's worry, anger, closure, or what… but Colby's got you right now. And inside, it's killing me."

I lowered my eyes at him, confused by his words. "I'm not going to see him. I can't even believe you would suggest it. Yes, Hailey's phone call threw me a bit, but that's it."

Grayson's eyes followed me as I made my way over to the fridge to grab bottles of water. He watched me the entire way back and took the bottle in his hands, but didn't open it to drink it. "I'm not buying that, Dallis. I see the change in you. There is some hang-up with Colby and until you see him, it's going to linger."

"You sound crazy, you know that? What guy actually wants his girlfriend to rush off and be at the bedside of her ex-boyfriend? Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds?" I said, anger radiating through my voice.

"A guy who wants and needs one hundred percent of his girlfriend," Grayson bit back, anger finally starting to shine through his cool and calm exterior. "I've told you before, I won't take pieces of you… I need all of you. I thought I'd gotten it, but I see now that there is a still a piece of you that isn't here with me. However small it may be, it's elsewhere and I can't and won't be okay with that."

He was making me so angry that laughter came firing out. "And what happens if I get there and all my old feelings come crashing back?" I found it hard to believe that those feelings would ever resurface, but with the way that Grayson was handling this situation, I had to question him and his sanity.

"Well then you weren't mine to begin with." Shock hit me as I listened to Grayson speak. "I don't know what you want me to do, Dallis. I'm not going to kick and scream and demand that you forget about your ex." He ran his hands over his head in an obvious show of frustration. "From what I've read in your journal, and what I've heard about your break-up, you don't have closure from him. It's the one thing you are still holding on to, and even if it's only got one percent of you and your heart, it's one percent that isn't with me."

Tears pooled in my eyes, but I worked furiously to keep them from streaming down my face. Grayson stood and made his way over to me, wiping away at the lower lid of my eyes.

"How do you know this?" I asked, pained by the fact that he could read me better than I could read myself. "I won’t lie… there is something there for Colby. What it is? I don't know."

"You don't have to tip toe around with me, Dallis. I knew from the moment I read your journal entry on him that he was the one area in your life that hasn't been resolved. I knew from the way you were adamant about not taking Hailey to Ada's." Guilt coursed through me as I watched pain etch across Grayson's face. "Knowing that he occupies even the tiniest place in your heart, bitter or not, tears me up inside. I want all of you, Dallis. That's why I need you to go and see him--to finally close that door."

I slowly shook my head. "I wasn't trying to hide you when I offered to go somewhere other than Ada's. And besides, there's so much history there with him. I don't know if I'm ready to trudge through it all." I stopped and looked up to him. "I loved him, Grayson. If I'm being honest with myself, there is a small part of me that still does. How can you be okay with this?"

Grayson closed his eyes for several long seconds. "I don’t know. I'm just going off of instinct." He rubbed his hands over his hair again. "But I do know if you follow your heart, you're going to wind up right back here with me."

Sincerity illuminated through his piercing blue eyes. I lay my head down on his chest as he held me close. Flashes of emotion and the ugly break-up with Colby whipped through me, forcing me to see it in real time once again. There were so many hurt feelings mixed with so many good times. Wanting to forget about it all was my first thought, but looking at Grayson and the pain filling him, gave me all the reasoning that I needed to follow through with seeing Colby. Protecting Grayson's heart was my main concern at this point, and it pained me to see such hurt in him.

After agreeing to go and see him in the morning, we didn't speak anymore on the topic. After a long, hot bath, I finally fell asleep, snuggled up in Grayson's arms.

Chapter 19

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?" Grayson asked, lying in the bed while I brushed my hair in the bathroom. He looked worn out and I couldn't blame him if he was. After falling asleep in his arms, I woke up throughout the night which only woke him up from his sleep. My mind wouldn't rest. I had laid out in my head exactly what I wanted to say to Colby, only to have a completely different set of thoughts creep in and make me second guess my earlier thoughts. A mixture of anger, sadness, and more anger swirled through my head as I thought about Colby and everything that he had said, put me through, and was now thrusting in my direction.

"Now how weird would that be?" I asked, stopping my hair brushing to look at him.

There was a hint of sadness in his eyes. I didn't see the familiar, mesmerizing gleam whenever he looked at me. I didn't feel the warmth and passion that he normally burned into me--no, I felt nothing. Grayson lay looking at me with a forlorn look spewing from his eyes. "Not weird at all. But if you don't want me to take you, at least let me make you some coffee for the road. This is a long ass drive you're making."

A slight smile crept across my lips. "Thank you," I quietly replied, hoping not to turn this into a long, drawn out discussion.

Grayson smiled back, though it was weak and feeble, then got out of bed and made his way into the bathroom. After kissing me on the forehead, he stood with his chin on the top of my head as I rested against his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart was the only sound heard as we stood in absolute silence. My heart ached for Grayson. The same pain he was feeling was surely the same pain pounding in my chest. There were no words that could make it go away. He was right--if I wanted to be with him, I needed to close the door known as Colby.

Come hell or high water, I was determined to do it.

"Let me get on that coffee," he said as he pulled away. I watched him walk out of the bathroom, taking slow, somber steps as he did so.

My light steps into the kitchen broke Grayson from his magazine reading. He immediately stood and walked over to the coffee pot, pouring me a tall travel mug. "I really wish you'd let me drive you. You didn't sleep worth a damn last night."

"That's what this delicious coffee is for," I quickly replied, smiling at him.

Sadly, he didn't return my smile. Frustration seemed to be building in him. I hadn't been privy to this side of Grayson before, and I was hoping that it wouldn't last too long. Stifling air filled the room as we stood--wanting to say much more but unable to say anything to one another.

"Well, I better get going," I said.

Grayson nodded his head before following me to the front door. He stepped out with me into the misty rain and grey cloud-covered sky, wearing nothing but his boxers.

"You don't have to walk me out, ya know? You aren't dressed," I quickly pointed out, hoping to lighten his mood.

"I'm walking you out, Dallis. You're lucky I even have these on."

Tracing the tattoos on his chest with my index finger, I lightly bit down on my bottom lip. "Save that for when I get back," I said, then turned and jogged out to my awaiting Jeep.

Grayson followed and helped me in, shutting my door behind me. "That coffee isn't enough. If you get tired, pull over and call me." He ran his hands through his unruly, morning hair. "Just don't try and be superwoman, Dallis."

"I won't," I quickly replied.

"Good. Call me when you get there."

"I will."

Grayson stood at the door staring holes into me. "I love you. Drive safely." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my lips, then stepped away.  I pulled away, looking back into my rearview mirror as I drove, seeing Grayson, his boxers, and his beautifully crafted chest grow smaller and smaller with every second that passed by.

Consuming thoughts of my would- be conversation with Colby were drowned out by the strums of Slash's guitar. Singing as loud as I possibly could not only muffled the incessant thoughts, but reminded me of Grayson as well. His concert-worthy performances in the car were a small reminder of just how much fun and light-spirited he normally was, and how he was anything but this morning. Dull pains pierced my heart as I thought of the hurt that he was feeling, and sadly, I could take responsibility for it. He wanted me--all of me. Regrettably, he was right, there was a small part of me that was still open and trying to heal.

The ringtone from my cell phone blaring through the car speakers broke the music that was successfully drowning out somber thoughts. Before even looking to see who was calling, I pressed the button on the screen, answering with a cautious, "Hello."

"Hey, Dallis. Guess what?" Miranda asked, her voice piercing through my speakers causing me to cringe as I turned the volume down.

"What's up?"

"Are you driving? I can tell you in a few if you're on your way in."

"I am driving, but I'm not on my way in. I won't be in the office at all today."

"Oh," she paused, "Where are you going?" I contemplated not telling her, but there was no use. She would find out some way or another, and dealing with her over the phone was probably better than having to do it in person, anyway. "Dallis!"

"I'm on my way to Bellingham," I said, after blowing out a deep breath.

"Why?"

Sighing deeply and running my fingers through my hair, I blurted out, "I'm on my way to see Colby."

"What the fuck? Why?" Miranda asked, clearly not in favor of what I was about to do.

"Colby had a jet skiing accident and he's in the hospital. He asked for me, so I'm on my way to see him."

"Um… and what about Grayson? Sorry to say it, Dallis, but you're beginning to look like the old me--self-sabotaging the best relationship you'll probably ever have. Are you fucking crazy?"

"No. I didn't even want to go, but Grayson suggested it."

"What?" she yelled, causing me to wince under the shriek of her voice. "I really like him but there is something wrong in his head. Why the hell would he tell you to go see your ex-boyfriend all alone?"

"Am I some fucking weakling, Miranda? Am I going to turn into putty the second I see Colby? Damn, give me some credit here."

"I'm sorry, Dallis. I didn't mean it like that. I just don't understand this, that's all."