Shattered (13 page)

“Shit,” I shouted in front of the glass doors.

I walked with one shoe, feeling the cool stone beneath my bare foot. Then I flagged down a cab with the broken shoe in my hand. I couldn’t help but laugh at my situation. I fell asleep in the back of the cab. The driver woke me up when he got to Toya’s house. I paid him and climbed in my car. I looked around at all my stuff and knew the only choice I had tonight was to sleep in my BMW. I drove to Rock Creek Park and pulled into an empty parking spot, then closed my eyes, hoping the police would be merciful and leave me the hell alone.

T
ap. Tap. Tap.
I opened my eyes, damn near forgetting that I fell asleep in my car, at a park no less. A Park Police officer was standing at my window, pointing his flashlight at me. I rolled the window down. He said, “Sorry, but the park is closed.” I nodded, then looked at my clock: 6:18 a.m. At least the sun was gonna be up soon. I backed out of my parking space and drove down Beach Drive. When I came past the bridge near the National Zoo, I thought about Daddy. It was here that the evil tree branch snapped and crushed him to death. Wonder what he’d say about my life? How different would it be if that shit would’ve never happened? Mommy would’ve never had a dude with a crack habit. None of us would’ve been split up. I wouldn’t have met Dizzle or Nut, and Ryan probably would’ve never did that disgusting shit he did to me.

I drove to McDonald’s, got a breakfast sandwich and some orange juice, and then I ate in my car, listening to the radio, thinking about what I was gonna do next. I couldn’t believe Audri threw me out just that quick after telling me I had her heart. That shit was confusing. I only had enough for some gas, not enough for a motel room. Maybe Meeka’s mother wouldn’t mind letting me crash on her couch for a while. But then how was I gonna explain why I wasn’t staying on Mommy’s couch? Meeka ain’t know about that Ryan shit, and I ain’t have no plans to tell nobody else about it. Peaches popped in my head, but she had never offered a place for me to stay before, I ain’t wanna ask her now. I took a deep breath and started my car. I was gonna have to face Ryan. Wasn’t no other way. Wasn’t nowhere else I could go. And like the devil had read my thoughts, the first person I see when I got on W Street was Ryan. He grinned when he saw me get out the car. I rolled my eyes and made a beeline for the building.

“Aye, KiKi, what’s up, sis?” he yelled across the street.

I ain’t say nothing, just went straight through the front door and hopped on the elevator. As soon as I unlocked the apartment door and walked in, Yodi said, “Hey, girl, you all right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Toya called last night, saying you was acting real strange.”

“What?”

“No, she actually said you looked like you was tweeking and shit.”

“Man, fuck Toya, bourgie ass!”

“I’m just saying…”

“Where Mommy at?”

“Her and Isaac went to IHOP.”

I shook my head. I guess Mommy was really digging this new dude. She been spending so much time with him lately. Ryan walked in the door and went to the fridge. “What’s up, KiKi? What you been up to?”

I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t believe he was gon’ act like we was cool. Chrissie started crying down the hall, and Yodi disappeared. Ryan sat across from me with a tall glass of milk.

“You been hiding from me and shit,” he said before taking a long swallow. I was so heated. I flipped my phone around in my hand. “You don’t never come through no more. You don’t return my calls.”

I shook my head and stared at the TV.
What the fuck he think?

“I see your ride about to burst at the seams. You got all your shit in there? What? You looking for somewhere to stay?”

I cut my eyes at him, then looked back at the TV.

“You can come share my room,” he said, laughing.

“You foul as shit!” I said through clenched teeth. “Should’ve had your bitch ass locked the fuck up for what you did to me!”

He leaned forward with his half-empty glass and whispered, “But you ain’t do it, did you? You liked it, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t believe him. He stood in front of me. “Here, drink the rest of this.”

“No,” I said, rolling my eyes, disgusted that his deranged ass thought I would ever drink behind him.

He shoved the glass in my face. I twisted away. “Stop, Ryan!”

“Drink it!” he yelled and gripped the back of my neck tight. Since I still ain’t look his way, Ryan pressed the glass against my mouth. I pushed him backward, making him spill the milk all over the dress Peaches let me borrow.

“You stupid muthafucka!” I yelled, jumping up. “Stay the fuck away from me!”

“That shit look good on you,” he said with a wicked smirk.

I knew I could never stay there, no matter how desperate I was. I grabbed my bag and left the apartment. Fuck that. Peaches owed me.

She opened the door just as I was about to ring the doorbell. Peaches’s security system must’ve alerted her that I was on her property.

“Hey, girl! Dayuum. What the fuck you do to my dress?”

That’s all she worried about?
“Peaches…I need a place to stay for a little while. Can I stay here with you until I can get shit straight?”

She looked at me like a deer staring at some headlights.

“What? Cat got your tongue, bitch?”

“What happened with Audri?”

“She kicked me out.”

“Why?”

“Don’t worry about why! Can I stay here or not?”

Peaches shook her head and let out a deep breath.

“See, that’s the shit I’m talking about. You don’t want nobody staying up in this castle but you. What? Did you forget where you came from? The fire I walked through with you so you could have this shit?”

“What the hell are you talking about? You act like I ain’t never fucking help you! I drove your ass to Atlantic City so you can get your girlfriend,” she said, counting her fingers. “I cooked for you and cleaned your nasty-ass house after you barricaded yourself in there for a week. You sound dumb, KiKi. Listen to yourself!”

“You only wanna help me the way you wanna help me, not the way I need to be helped! Your selfish ass done forgot that I helped you get this muthafucking house selling
my
ass for your sick-ass husband!”

“What!” Peaches said, jamming her hand on her hip. “
I
paid for this shit. My salon keeps the lights on. I gave your no-skills-having ass a job when you couldn’t find one. I tried to talk sense into you when you was still out there selling your ass when you ain’t have to. Don’t tell me I ain’t never help your ass out!”

“Whatever, Peaches.”

“Get the fuck off my stoop with your ungrateful bird ass!”

“Arrgh!” I screamed before jumping on Peaches and yanking the wig off her head. We wrestled in the doorway until I ended up in her foyer, knocking furniture and vases over. She ripped the dress she let me borrow into shreds.

“Mommy, Mommy!” I heard Amir shrieking behind her.

All of sudden Peaches got real strong on me. She rolled me over and pinned me on the floor, her eyes bigger than I’d ever seen them before.

“You bring this shit to my muthafucking house, disrespecting me…in front of my son?” A razor blade appeared in her hand from nowhere. “I oughta cut your ass a new fucking smile.”

I flinched and fought to pull away as she pressed the blade against my cheek.

“No, Peaches, don’t do it…I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I begged, tears streaming down my face as I squirmed.

She stared at me for a while, knowing she had won, and then she said, “Get the fuck off my property! All this time and your ass still ain’t learned shit. You can’t bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t even think about showing up at the shop, bitch!”

I pulled myself off the floor, limped to the doorway, and walked out the door.

“You can have that nasty-ass dress, too!” she yelled to my back.

I cried until I got inside my car. I cried while I drove back to D.C. I cried at the light on New York Avenue. Seem like everybody hated me: Toya, Audri, Ryan, and now Peaches. I ain’t have nobody in my corner. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands, sure the face crossing the street was one that I knew. It was Kareem, and he locked eyes with me, and then just as quickly he shook his head and kept walking. I could see the pity oozing from his skin. I felt so embarrassed. My tearstained face, ripped dress, overcrowded car. Could I look any worse? I looked away.

The crave for a hit built up. I pulled over to an empty parking lot, no longer able to fight the urge. Who knew how I was gonna get more? I snorted the last of it and closed my eyes. About fifteen minutes later, I pulled up to Meeka’s mother’s house on Upshur Street down to my last few drops of gas. As soon as Meeka saw me, she let me in without even asking no questions.

I had no idea just how trifling Quentin’s father had become. Since the judge ain’t give him full custody like he thought he deserved, this nigga had straight stopped giving Meeka any money. Actually told Meeka’s mother, Ms. Kathy, once when he dropped Quentin off while we was at school that she needed to make a list of what Quentin ate so he could buy it for him. Meeka damn near lost it with him after that and wrote him a note that said:
Quentin’s Grocery List—ones, fives, tens, twenties, fifties, etc. Stupid Ass Muthafucka! Your son needs money! If you knew him well enough, you’d know what kind of food he eats, too, by the way.

“What the fuck he think this is? What about the lights that his son needs, the heat, the muthafucking clothes that keep shrinking every other month?” Meeka complained.

As messed up as it was, it was a chance for me to convince Meeka to start doing parties again. I mean, we both needed the money. I knew Meeka ain’t wanna jeopardize her court case, but now that she still had full custody, it was easy for me to get her to see the benefit. She called up her girlfriend Quita to see if she knew about any parties we could do. She said no but that Macombo Lounge on Georgia Avenue was looking for some new girls.

“What you thinking?” Meeka asked me. “You wanna do it?”

What the fuck, man?
I wasn’t tryna be on nobody’s payroll and work a schedule doing this shit. I just wanted the cash.

“Come on, KiKi. We ain’t gon’ have to worry about needing no security and shit.”

I twisted my lips to the side and walked back and forth, fumbling with my hands. She was right. It
was
much safer, I guess. All I kept thinking about is the blow I needed to cop. “All right. I’ll do it.”

Meeka smiled and got the information we needed. She told us we had to do an audition at noon the next day. I needed to get it together because I looked and felt like shit. I needed to feel sexy, so I borrowed forty dollars from Meeka and went to see Rich. I had this urge to be somebody else. If just for a little while. He was all smiles when I walked in the door. He was coming from the back of the shop.

“What’s up, beautiful?” he asked.

I gave him a half smile. “Nothing much. How you doing?”

“Good, now that I see you.”

I smiled again. I touched my hair, knowing it looked crazy and said, “I want you to cut it all off.”

He looked puzzled. “Why you wanna do that for?”

“Rich, just cut it off.”

He shook his head, then said, “Okay.”

I sat in his spinning chair, let him put the cape on, then closed my eyes when I heard the buzzing.

“You sure you wanna do this?” he asked.

“All off.”

“You got it. Your sexy ass will still look dope. My sister came in here just the other day asking me to do the same shit. You women be killing me.”

I smiled and waited for him to cut away. Gobs of honey-blonde hair fell around the black cape. The vibrating metal felt cool against my scalp. Rich was done in no time.

“Here’s the mirror, sweetheart.”

I looked and for the first time, felt like crying at what I saw. The tip of my nose looked unusually red. Dark rings was around my eyes. I shook my head to stop the tears I felt growing.
What the fuck was I thinking?

“What’s wrong with you? Don’t get all sad on me now. You came in here, going all hard and shit. Fuck that. You better work this fly-ass haircut. Your ass look
good
!” Rich said, trying his best to cheer me up.

“Thanks,” I said, wiping a tear away and handing him twenty dollars.

“Nah, this shit on the house.”

I nodded and excused myself out the shop. I wished I had some coke. I felt so weak right now. As soon as I got in the car, I took out my compact and dabbed the dark splotches under my eyes. When that ain’t work, I drove to the nail shop and got some new lashes. That helped me feel a lot better. After I got back to Meeka’s, she suggested I dye my hair. It wasn’t a bad idea, but I decided to wear a wig. A blonde one still short as hell, but slightly styled with soft bangs. It made me feel sexy.

“Your ass definitely look fuckable!” Meeka chanted.

I winked cuz that was actually the point.

The next day the audition went smooth. It wasn’t like I was an amateur. The manager hired both of us and told us we could start the same day. Good cuz I was broke as fuck, and strip clubs always paid in cash. When we came back to Macombo later, the first person I see as I walk in the dressing room was Cha-Cha’s redhead ass, looking me over. She laughed at me and said something to another dancer.
Still hating
. I gave her the finger and waited for her to say some shit.

“Who that?” Meeka asked.

“That trick bitch I told you about who told Audri everything.”

“Unh,” Meeka said, rolling her eyes at the skank. “You know she can’t wait to text Audri, right?”

“At this point, I could give a fuck!” I shouted, even though I really did.

“I know that’s right,” Meeka said.

Audri was the first person who loved me for me and not for something I could do for them. I was hurt that she wasn’t in my life no more, and now I knew she was gonna find out I was back using my body for money. When we both finally got dressed, somebody called my new stage name, Kharisma.

“Aye, get your ass out here!” the dude yelled after I threw back two shots of Hennessy.

I fixed my thong and headed to the stage. The speakers thumped a Gucci Mane song I ain’t never heard before. It was so dark in the audience, except for the light by the bar and the one light on the stage. I let my hips ride the thick bass beat. I did some of the tricks I remembered seeing Quita and Marcha doing, and then I squatted on the floor, holding my knees apart with my hands, giving them a sneak peek at my freshly shaved kitty. I looked in the faces of some of the dudes greedily eyeing me and moved my body like a snake. It was so easy, and the dollars rained down on me in waves. I had to put a payment on my R Street storage unit and save some money toward a new apartment, so the more it rained, the more I gyrated.