Shatnerquake (8 page)

“We,” he looked up at Bob, “have to…get out of here.”

CHAPTER TEN

The Shatner sneered as alarmed fans ran around him.

“What?
 
Is someone having a sale on acne cream,” he said as people passed by.

He turned around and screamed, “Get a life!”

He continued walking and stopped when he saw the two men who looked exactly like him.
 

“Good God, look at you,” he said to them.
 
The two men spun to face him.
 
Their faces read terror.

“What?” said the Shatner, “are you that surprised to see your idol?
 
The person whose identity you’re stealing?”

The Shatner look-alikes looked at each other confused and then back to the Shatner.

“And what the hell happened to you two?” he asked.
 
The two men were wearing identical suits that were torn and dirtied in many places.
 
The one man was covered with bruises and seemed to be bleeding from numerous places.

The two men looked at each other, turned, and continued on their way.
 
The Shatner watched them.

“Losers,” he muttered.

* * *

“So there’s no way out of here?” asked Bob.

“At least…not through the…doors,” replied Shatner as the two of them headed for the stairs.

Shatner had told Bob about the wall of static that was blocking the front entrance.
 
Bob had made it to one of the emergency exits but had found the same barrier.
 
The two had decided to head to the roof and see if the static was surrounding the building.

They entered a room with a large set of stairs in the center that only led up.
 
They walked to the foot of the stairs.

“So what happens if we get to the top and…
”
Bob went quiet when he looked up the stairs.

Kirk stood at the top brandishing the
lightsaber
.
 
He was splattered from head to toe in blood.
 
He raised the weapon, roared, and came charging down the stairs.

Shatner and Bob turned and started running back the way they came.

“This has got to stop,” yelled Bob as he ran.

Shatner grabbed Bob.
 
“Wait…I have an idea.”
 
Shatner turned down a different hallway and Bob followed.
 
Shatner stopped and looked around.

“What, what’s your plan?” asked Bob, “hurry up, he’s coming.”

“OK,” Shatner turned to Bob.
 
He spoke as quickly as he could, “Go to the end of the hall and wait for Kirk. I’ll hide over there,” he gestured to the narrow hallway to their side that led to bathrooms.
 
“Once he’s past me, I’ll jump him from behind.”

Bob looked in the direction of Kirk’s oncoming cries.

“Come on,” said Shatner, “we have to…do it now.”

Shatner quickly dodged into the small hallway and Bob looked at him, worried.
 
Shatner waved his hand motioning for Bob to move back further in the large hallway.
 
Bob slowly moved backwards.

Shatner flattened himself against the wall and waited.

“There you are.”
 
Shatner shivered at hearing his own voice.

From his hiding spot, Shatner could see the shadow of Kirk moving down the hall.

Wait.
 
Wait.

The shadow grew larger as Kirk slowly moved.
 
He came into Shatner’s vision and took two more steps and stopped.
 
Kirk was now parallel with Shatner and if he just turned his head a little, Shatner would be seen.

Shatner held his breath and tried to
will
his heart to stop beating so loudly.
 

Kirk twirled the
lightsaber
and started moving forward again.

Yes!
 

Shatner waited a moment and then moved as carefully and quietly as possible to the end of the narrow hall.
 
He peered around the corner.
 
Bob was against the far wall and Kirk had him cornered, the
lightsaber
poised and ready.
 
Bob saw Shatner and nodded.

Shatner
creeped
out.
 
He looked at Kirk, then to Bob, and turned and started tip-toeing the other way.

“Hey,” called out Bob, “hey!”

Shatner turned back and looked at Bob, his eyes pleading for help.
 
Kirk shrugged and inched his way out of the hall.

“You bastard,” yelled Bob.
 
He turned to Kirk, “you don’t want me.
 
I’m not William Shatner.
 
He’s right over there.”
 
He pointed at Shatner.

“You must…think…very little of me,” Kirk raised the
lightsaber
high over his head, “for…that…trick to work.”

Bob screamed as the
lightsaber
came down.
 
The blade bisected his body from head to crotch.
 
The two halves fell apart, spilling blood and organs to the floor.

Shatner was at the end of the hall now.
 
As he turned to run, Kirk had turned off the
lightsaber
and was kneeling down, plunging his hands into the viscera.

* * *

Kirk dug amongst the body.
 
Shatner was now dead, but it didn’t feel right.
 
The screaming at the back of his brain— the essential urge that he did not belong in this world—was still there.

He picked up and tossed aside squishy parts of the corpse until he found what he was looking for—the heart.
 
He brought it to his mouth and bit out a huge chuck.
 
He chewed on the tough muscle—fresh blood smeared over his lips and chin—and then spit out the hunk to the floor.

He stood, enraged.
 
He spun around and flipped the
lightsaber
on.

This was not William Shatner.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

By the time Kirk had realized his mistake, Shatner had made it up two flights of stairs.
 
Without consciously thinking, at the second floor he ran down a hall directly at the top of the stairs.
 
He came to a set of doors and pushed his way through them.
 

The doors shut behind him and Shatner fell to his hands and knees, exhausted.
 
He wheezed in-and-out.
 
He looked around the room to find himself in a room about fifty feet by fifty feet.
 

It was lined with tables filled with food and bottles of alcohol.
 
The walls were decorated with streamers and the ceiling was filled with balloons.

Shatner stood up with a groan and stumbled over to the table filled with bottles.
 
He grabbed the whiskey, twisted off the top, and drank deeply from the bottle.
 

He coughed and leaned against the table.

This is it Bill.

He swigged again from the bottle and stood up straighter.
 
A million tiny cuts and bruises screamed back.
 

You can’t just keep running.
 
He’ll just keep coming after you.

He drank more.

You’re the hero.

He took a final drink and tossed the bottle across the room.

You’re the hero.

He walked over to the room’s door.

OK, head to the dealer’s room again.
 
The weapons stand should still be well stocked.
 
Either that or find one of those freaky-ass guards.
 
I’ll feel safer with them rather than the nerds or psychos.
 

He opened the door and went through.

I’m the hero—

The briefcase hit him over the head the moment he was through the doorway.
 
Shatner stumbled forward dazed and fell to his knees.
 
He was hit again on the back of his head.

As the world went black he heard a familiar voice yell, “Denny Crane!”

CHAPTER TWELVE

Lobby:
 
People filled all available space and pushed toward the front doors.
 
The wall of static prevented anyone from getting out.
 
Those closest to the doors were crushed and mashed.
 
More and more people surged into the room from all parts of the convention, hoping for some kind of escape.
 
The mass of humanity became denser and denser.
 
Some were sucked beneath the crowd and smashed underfoot.
 

Dealer’s Room:
 
The people had broken down into a tribal mindset and were searching for something, anything, to blame the current disaster on.
 
One target stood out amongst all the others: the Star Wars memorabilia dealers.
 
The crowd rounded them up and herded them into the cleared out center of the room.
 
They circled the dealers and hurled insults.

“Luke is
emo
.”

“George Lucas is the cause of all pain and suffering.”

“Han shot second.”

The dealers were then pelted with plastic
lightsabers
and discounted Jar-Jar action figures until they stopped moving.

Theater:
 
Jack and Sondra were convinced this was the end and if they were going down, they were going down.
 
They went into theater three and a quick glance made it clear that the room was empty.
 
If Shatner had known how these two people were spending their last minutes, he would have approved.

When they were done, they stood and brushed the gray dust off of each other’s bodies.
 
They wondered what the filth was, but they didn’t give it too much thought.

Museum:
 
Shatner’s senses slowly drifted back.
 
First, he was aware that his legs and arms were restrained and that his head hurt like Hell.
 
His vision came back and he saw he was on a full-scale replica of the bridge of the starship Enterprise—the TV version.
 
He was tied to the Captain’s Chair.

Scattered through the bridge were various William Shatners, representing all stages of his career, his life, staring at him.
 
There were also two men and a woman standing together in front of him.
 
Each of them was missing their right hand.
 
Campbellians.

Denny Crane stepped up next to them.
 
“He’s awake.”

The Campbellians moved and Shatner saw there were two cardboard boxes behind them.
 
One of the men and the woman picked up a box.
 
The other man walked up to Shatner, pulled a package of baby wipes out of his pocket, and began to clean Shatner’s head and face.

Shatner shook his head.
 
“What…are…you doing?”

The man punched Shatner in the jaw.

Shatner coughed and spit out a tooth in a mess of blood.

“I only need you to be awake for this,” said the Campbellian.
 
He grabbed Shatner’s head with one hand and began to wipe it down again with the other.
 
“I don’t care what condition you’re in.”

Shatner stayed still.
 
He looked to the other two Campbellians.
 
They each had unpacked their boxes.
 
The woman was messing with what looked like an overly large silver VCR.
 
The man held what looked like a large steel motorcycle helmet but it was missing the facemask and it had long wires jutting out of it.

The Campbellian let go of Shatner and the one with the helmet came over and placed it over Shatner’s head.

“What…are…you doing to me,” asked Shatner.

The Campbellian took hold of the wires from the helmet and plugged them into the back of the VCR-looking device.
  
The woman took a videotape out of the box and put it in the machine.

She pushed a button and then said, “We’re good to go.”

The first man turned to Shatner.
 
“We’re about to steal all your show business knowledge and talent.
 
Everything that has made you a success, we are going to take.
 
It will be a glorious gift for our savior, Bruce.”

All three Campbellians raised their handless right arms and lowered their heads.
 
They were silent for a moment and then they lowered their arms.

The man continued, “What I need you to do is
think
about your life.
 
To help you along, when I’m done, they’re,” the Campbellian motioned with his head to the Shatners, “going to kill you.”

“Wait…I…implore you,” said Shatner, “you…don’t have to do this…are we not all…humans…people…people with hopes…dreams…and desires…think for yourself…your God…is a lie…do the right thing…let me…go.”

“Nope,” the man moved away from Shatner and turned to the woman who was crouched in front of the other machine.
 

“Do it,” he said.

Before she had a chance to push the button, Denny Crane jumped in between them.
 

“Wait,” he yelled.

“Why?” asked the Campbellian who was standing off to the side.

Crane turned to him and smiled, “for suspense.”

“Fuck him,” said the other male Campbellian.
 
He turned to the woman, “Push-”

Before he could finish, the
turborlift
beeped.
 
Everyone in the room turned to it as the doors slide open.
 
A blood-slicked, crazed-eyed Captain Kirk stepped out.
 

The room was frozen in shock as Kirk slowly turned his head, eyeing them all.
 
He held out his right hand, which held the
lightsaber
, and flicked the weapon on.
 
The room was still and silent as everyone waited to see who would make the first move.

The
turborlift
on the other side of the room beeped and its doors slid open.
 
Out stepped another Shatner.

“Welcome back to this special convention edition of ‘Rescue 911,’” he said staring off, “here, on the bridge of the Enterprise, was the sight of one of the convention’s bloodiest and most bizarre incidents.
 
As a deranged Captain Kirk brutally massacred a room full of terrorists and fictional characters made real.”

Kirk roared and charged the nearest Shatner, who looked circa mid-seventies, and drop-kicked him.

The Shatners rushed to Kirk.

“You…people…are crazy,” yelled William Shatner from beneath the helmet.

Kirk leapt to his feet and swung the
lightsaber
at the Shatner dressed in old-English garb that was running towards him.
 
The beam smoothly decapitated him and sent his head rolling across the bridge.
 

The black-and-white Shatner tried attacking Kirk from behind but he spun around and quickly struck with the weapon, neatly cutting off both of his arms.
 
The stumps sprayed black sludge and film stock as the Shatner slumped to the floor.

“Remember, everything you’re seeing is real,” said Rescue 911 Shatner, still standing at the second
turborlift
.

The Campbellians watched as Kirk began the slaughter.
 
Blood and limbs flew about the room.

The Campbellian closest to Shatner turned to face the others, “Start the machine.”

The woman pushed a button on the machine and Shatner started convulsing in the captain’s chair.
 
He screamed as the machine began to steal his identity.
 
It felt like a thousand straws had been stuck in his skull and the insides were being slowly sucked out.
 
His consciousness flickered out and Shatner found himself only aware of his memories as they were dismantled piece by piece.
 
He was lost in his own internal, crumbling world.

The Campbellian closest to Shatner shook his fists in the air.
 
“Yes.
 
Yes!
 
All glory
be
to
Bru
-“

He stopped and looked down.
 
A bright beam of red light jutted from his chest.
 
It sunk back into to his chest and the Campbellian fell to the ground.

Kirk stepped over the corpse and charged the other Campbellians, widely waving the
lightsaber
.
 
The man jumped aside.
 
The woman screamed and dodged, falling over the recording device, as the glowing blade narrowly missing her

Blood began to flow from William Shatner’s nose and the corners of his eyes.
 
Green, creamy pus slowly oozed out of his ears.
 
He pissed and shit himself at the same time.
 
Having who you are sucked out of your head is an extremely unpleasant experience.

Kirk stood over the woman and brought the light-saber down.
 
She rolled to the side and the machine beneath her was cut in half.

Shatner began screaming as the helmet, with now no destination to send the information it was collecting, began sending the data feedback into his skull.
 
Every millisecond that passed, Shatner’s memory doubled, but it was all the same info.
 
After a moment, Shatner had a thousand memories of his first kiss.
 
His head felt on the verge of explosion as more and more info was crammed into it.

Kirk turned his attention to the screaming and walked over to William Shatner.
 
He raised the
lightsaber
to his left side.
 
Shatner kept screaming, unaware of anything but his past as it filled and refilled his head.

Kirk swung and cut Shatner’s head in half, long-ways.
 
The room went silent as every eye watched the half skull flip through the air, flinging brain matter.
 
It hit the floor with a CLUNK.

A bright beam of white light shot up from the attached half of Shatner’s head.
 
It looked like someone had turned on a spotlight in the body.

Bruce and Bruce ran to each other and clutched tight.

As one, all the Shatners dropped to their knees and raised their fists.
 

“NNNNNOOOOO,” they all screamed.

Their hands began to lose form.
 
Their finger fused together and stretched out with a sickening cracking sound.
 
The tissue pulled and reshaped into a series of bone squares framing translucent skin.
 
The flesh film-strips stretched through in the air and went into Shatner’s skull and the source of the light.