Shark Out of Water (Grab Your Pole, #3) (17 page)

When we finally came to a halt, I took a moment to breathe and tried to calm my nerves, but Tristan appeared totally unconcerned by his horse’s impending rejection and subsequent ass kicking. In fact, I think he’d been sending a fucking text the whole time Neptune was high stepping them over to us because I saw him working his thumb over the keypad and then tuck his phone back in his pocket with a smallish smirk. He let his beast get right in front of my precious little nutcase before he stopped, and then he just raised one of his eyebrows like he was telling me that it’s now “clearly” obvious that I have no business being on his property and that I was getting on his nerves like an annoying gnat. I wasn’t sure if he was more irritated that I hadn’t given up as easily as he’d hoped I would or that he’d missed seeing my debasing struggle to get on Amalthea’s back. Either way, I now have Tristan’s attention and he knows I’m being serious. He also knows I’m putting an assload of trust in his hands in this precarious situation with the horses.

“I’d like to keep the animal cruelty to a minimum here so just say what you came to say and then get off my mom’s unicorn.”

“Best friends are supposed to talk, dude,” I started, ignoring the implication that me riding one of his horses is like subjecting the animal to torture. Shit, the damned horse fuckin’
loved
the bouquet I made her and once her horn was on, she was thrilled to canter me around. Animal cruelty my ass. I was, however,
not
ignoring the proximity of Neptune’s nose to Amalthea’s and her resulting snort of moderate disapproval.

I also couldn’t ignore Tristan’s scathing laughter upon my mentioning best friends. He let his horse move up almost infinitesimally as a means of intimidation, I’m sure, and then, mockingly, he said, “Because you would know
so
much about what friendship is, right?”

“Yeah, I do. You used to know too, but you turned your back on people who care about you...why?”

“What can I say? I’ve been watching
Sesame Street
and I think Oscar had it right all along. I think Jim Henson would be pleased to know that through his celebrated work, I’ve embraced my inner grouch.”

Jesus, he’s such an arrogant, sarcastic prick sometimes. Really, I know this is all his way of trying to shut me down because we’re on his turf and he doesn’t wanna be the one to back down, but fuck, he’s hell-bent on making this really goddamned hard on both of us.

I decided that since he wants to play hardball, I’d show him I’m game. “Okay, we’re not friends anymore, whatever, but after almost eighteen years, you can at least tell me why you did it.”

His eyes narrowed for a split second like he was trying to either figure out my angle or if I was being serious about not giving a shit that we aren’t friends anymore. Either that or he wasn’t sure what “it” I was asking about and which one he was gonna address. After all, there
is
more than one to choose from.

“Good question, how would
you
answer it?”

Shit. I could practically hear the crowd cheer when he hit that one deep into left field. And I’ll admit he stumped me because I can’t think of anything I’ve done that needs to be explained, so I disregarded his question as being rhetorical and pressed on. This time I went with his favorite though. A specific.

“I gotta know, dude, why’d you break up with her?”

That got me another question answered with a question, but I felt like I was on the right track because both his body language and facial features started to turn dark and forbidding.

“You obviously know why so why bother asking?”

“You loved her. You know it and I know it.” This time I knew I’d hit the perfect button when his eyes went flat and then sharpened into steel, but he didn’t say anything so I hit him again. “You loved her
so
much you put a fucking permanent declaration of it on your goddamned body. So why, why’d you do it, why’d you break up with her?”

I swear to God the coldness in the wind and the light spattering of rain turned frigid when it mixed with the ice in his tone as he got right along side of me, took the unicorn’s makeshift, blinged-out halter in one hand while maintaining an iron-fisted grip on Neptune with the other and said, “You’re done. You get to walk back.”

The unicorn wasn’t the least bit happy anymore and she started to shift and pull away with her disgruntlement of being so close to a mere horse, but I kept my seat and kept at him, knowing it was the only way to break him.

“Come on, dude, just tell me why you completely broke the heart of the chick you love,” The undisguised rage in his eyes told me he was flammable and what I said next was like pouring gasoline on an already blazing fire, so it was no wonder he reacted the way he did when I maliciously chuckled and doused him but good, “I mean seriously, you really did a fuckin’ number on her…you have to know she cried for days, but you should’ve seen her face when you showed up to that party. Even if she’s just another one of your many leftovers now, I bet the guy she took off with would fuckin’ thank you for making it so easy for him to swoop in and pick up the broken pieces.”

I held my breath and waited for it. He didn’t disappoint either. Well, not entirely…the stubborn, closed off dickhead.

He moved his horse so close to mine that there wasn’t any space between them and I was fully prepared for him to physically knock me off my ride, which
was
his intention. But when Amalthea vehemently protested Neptune’s obvious attempt to get familiar with her by biting him on the ass, Tristan gave up his hold on her when his horse reared up a little. The stupid shit wasn’t pissed though…the horse, not Tristan, although he’s a stupid shit too. He took it as some kind of equine request to show off some more. Neptune nickered and strutted in a circle, waiving his tail around like he was a fucking peacock, making a complete spectacle of himself, all to no avail. However, controlling his horse gave Tristan the timely opportunity to control his temper too, which sucks for both of us because that means I have to push him again to get a verbal explosion, which was the whole point of me being so snide about Camie and their breakup.

As Tristan wheeled his horse around to leave me he said, “Game over.”

Game over, huh? Well, not if the unicorn and I have anything to say about it…

I’ll admit it gave me a bit of a rush in the beginning to come after him with the intention of knocking him off his high horse, whether it be figuratively or literally, but having to batter him over and over again, knowing what each blow was doing to him on the inside, wasn’t the least bit amusing and I was starting to consider backing off for a little while. However, right before I gave up, I remembered something he wrote on his whiteboard the last time he wouldn’t talk about his guilt and what was going on…his request for me to beat the shit out of him until he heard me, so, inwardly flinching with each hit, I honored his request…

“You fuckin’
knew
breaking up with her like that would fuckin’ completely shatter—”

“Stop!”

It killed me to hear the anguish in that one word but he was
so
close, I had to keep going. “You
knew
it would but you didn’t give a shit! You just threw her away!”

“I said STOP!!”

“Like she was a piece of
trash
, Tristan! And I wanna know
why
you did it!
Why did you fuckin’ break up with her?!
”

I’d finally done it. I pushed him to his breaking point but I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see the all-encompassing breakdown that was imminent. Nor did I know the depth of what he was hiding or that
I’d
even played a role in what happened. It was a small role, but it was a role nonetheless. I was so wholly unprepared for what I was about to discover it was truly pathetic. Had I known beforehand…fuck, I don’t even remotely know how I could’ve prepared myself for what was coming. I was also completely unprepared for what would come after…when it was
my
turn.

“I DIDN’T BREAK UP WITH HER!!”
He exploded at me, but, I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how what he’d just said could be the truth, however, I knew it was.

“Then why the fuck does
she
think you did?!”

“The same fucking way
you
think I broke up with her!”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific, dude, so I’ll ask again, why does Camie think you broke up with her if you didn’t?!”

“Because I
let
her!”

HUH?

“Why in Hell’s name would you
let
her think you broke up with her? I don’t get it…” Honestly, I’m
completely
fuckin’ lost. Katy very briefly tossed that out when we were expostulating on everything, but we
both
threw it out of hand…I mean it’s just ludicrous!

“Because I love her, Jeff, she doesn’t know what happened and I couldn’t…I just
couldn’t
tell her the truth!”

Oh shit. Katy was right about why he broke up with her too—er…you know what I mean—and by the way he was rapidly falling apart, I think he’d been closer to this meltdown than any of us was aware of, but I had to keep him talking so he could get it all out.

“What’s the truth?”

“No.” Fuck. If he’s gonna start to dig his heels in now, I’m gonna have to get nasty again and I just really don’t think either of us is up to it anymore…

“Tristan, dude, you gotta say it…out loud.”

“I—I
can’t
…”

“Okay, I’ll say it for you. You had sex with another girl at Camie’s party.”

I didn’t think he would’ve done it after how bad he felt when he just barely made-out with some chick, but he
was
hammered and it
had
been a really long time for him. Also, he’d been fucking
adamant
about not putting
any
kind of pressure on Camie or even bringing it up to her at all because she’s a virgin, and that go directly to jail card told me how freaked he’d become about her being so much younger than him…really, it’s the only explanation. He just couldn’t hold out any longer.

Funny how you can be right and SO fucking completely wrong at the same time.

The maniacal laughter that bubbled up and escaped his mouth almost overshadowed his utterly nauseated expression and with that, I knew without a doubt that he hadn’t “simply” cheated on her and I’m gonna be honest here; seeing the self-loathing in his face and the guilty tears falling from his absolutely
tortured
eyes made
my
throat burn so much, I could barely choke out my next question.

“Tristan, what did you do?”

He buried his face in his hands, completely sobbing now, and when he finally raised his head and looked at me again, I swear to God I was looking at a guy who was pleading for Death to just take him and be done with it. Then when he finally said the words, I understood why and part of me wanted to die with him…

“I alm—I almost r—raped her, Jeff…Oh
God
, I almost
raped
her!”

I didn’t say a single fucking word. Partly because I was stunned speechless, but mostly because I knew I didn’t have to. I didn’t need to push him any more; it was all gonna come pouring out so I just sat there silently and waited. Waited for my best friend to tell me about the darkest hour in his life while I prayed like fucking hell that I could keep the sick churning that was going on in my stomach from showing on my face. It wasn’t what he’d admitted, although that was certainly appalling, but in truth, I knew that if he saw my inner reaction he’d mistake it for disgust and condemnation and that was in no way the cause of what I was feeling. I wasn’t sickened
by
him…I was sick
for
him.

“I was gonna hurt her, Jeff…I love her so much and I was gonna
hurt
her. We were both
so
fucking trashed and I wanted her so goddamned bad…but she said no…
more
than once. And I ignored her. I heard her and I fucking
chose
to ignore her!”

That was when I finally understood what he’d been saying when he told Camie there’s always choice and that some choices are harder to live with, but then, I found out the part I’d played and even though he wasn’t blaming me, the guilt that pierced me was unforgettable but, it was only a fraction of what he’s been living with and it still made me wanna puke.

“You’d been riding me incessantly for
weeks
about how long I’d gone and how whipped I was, and I’d been walking such a goddamned fine line as it was…sometime after that goddamned drinking game we played I crossed that line and became bestial. I was so out of my mind I didn’t even give a shit about what my brutality would’ve done to her
body
! Oh God…it would’ve
hurt!
She would’ve been ripped to shreds, Jeff, and I came so
fucking
close!”

“What made you stop?” I asked. It was my attempt at helping him move us past the abominable crime that he hadn’t actually committed but is still punishing himself for as if he had, because if I have any hope of getting him through this, I have to get him away from the almost and I have to do it now.

His face twisted up in painful regret again and with another sob he said, “I saw her face…I saw her
beautiful
face. She was
so
scared. I’m a fucking monster…I shouldn’t even be allowed to live for hurting her like that!”

Oh fuck!
And that was
exactly
the kind of thing I wanted to avoid…now I have to talk him down from the seriously fucking high ledge he just stepped out on.

“But you
stopped
, Tristan, you
didn’t
hurt her!”

He practically gave me whiplash by immediately softening his expression and nodding. And just like that, he was back in control. His words only confirmed that he never even once considered ending his life. “But I was going to, and if I hadn’t looked up when I did, I would’ve. And I still ended up hurting her the next morning. It doesn’t even matter that she doesn’t remember a goddamned thing about me pleading for her forgiveness on my hands and knees later that night when I came back and that she told me it was okay and that she loved me. She’s hurt and I’m the one responsible. Jeff, I’d willingly lay my life down if I thought it would take that night away, but even if I could throw myself on an alter and die every single day for the rest of eternity, it wouldn’t turn back the clock and change what would’ve happened if I’d looked at her five seconds later…I have to live my life knowing that.”