Shaken (4 page)

She couldn’t argue with that. She’d believed too strongly in their relationship—that it was practically fated, that it was so much stronger than those of her friends, whose significant others came and went with the breeze, that their love could overcome any obstacle. She’d never seen the breakdown coming. Had never guessed it could fall apart as quickly as it had come together. She swallowed the resentment along with the lump in her throat. “I learned better.”

He looked up again, his stare boring into her.

She didn’t know what she was supposed to understand in that look. It was dark, a sullen sensuousness heating his features. Those eyes trained on her as if there were nothing else in the world. He stepped away from the rail, changing the pace of her heartbeat with a single step. Then another. And another.

The distance between them disappeared. She tried not to look up, her gaze locked on the small round button on his shirt. Not the firm, tanned flesh beneath, not the dark strands of the hair there, waiting to spring between her splayed fingertips.

His hand rose, his thumb tracing her jaw to the point of her chin. “You’re going to tell me you don’t believe in this?”

“In what?” Her voice was little more than a breath of sound.

His fingers released her chin, his whole hand turning so he could trail the back of his fingers down the length of her neck. He tugged the swath of satin at her neck where she’d tried to retie it. It came loose for him, like the rest of her inhibitions. She could practically count them falling at his feet.

Reason…
clink
.

Sanity…
clink
.

Self-preservation…
clink
.

His hands tugged at her buttons, pushing the tiny discs through the holes there, his knuckles grazing her breasts with each nimble shift. Soon enough, the blouse gaped open, only her camisole top keeping him from her skin.

“In this.” He slid the satin off her shoulders, taking the thin straps of her camisole with it. His fingertips traced the edges of fabric over the swells of her breasts, leaving trails of fire dancing over her skin. “It’s like a magic all its own when we’re together.”

Her eyes slid closed as he freed a nipple. “It’s sex.”

His breath made her lips tremble just before he drew one into his mouth, his tongue swiping over it and causing her to gasp. He let her go, the corner of his mouth curving when her eyes opened. The side of his forefinger coursed over her lip, taking the moisture he’d just given her before dropping back to her exposed breast. Wet fingers encircled her nipple, plucking at it, sending electric pleasure down her belly straight to her clit.

“It’s passion,” he corrected, his voice dropping to that bedroom tone she knew far too well. “I’ve missed your breasts, Jules. The flavor of them, the way your nipples tighten up for my mouth.”

So hard they hurt. She arched into his plucking fingers, moaning despite her deepest desire not to.

“I can’t look at you without remembering how you taste. What it sounds like when you beg me to make you come.” His free hand captured her other breast, pulling down the offending fabric before cupping it and drawing a helpless cry from her. His thumb began its own torture on the nipple he found there. He lowered his face to her neck, his breath hot against her skin. “I need you, Jules. Every minute of every day, I need you.”

“No you don’t.” If he’d needed her, he wouldn’t have pushed her away when she tried to comfort him. Back when she’d thought his silences held secrets and pain instead of indifference.

“Yes, I do. I can’t even breathe anymore without you.” Down. She felt him drawing them both down to the floor. She went, her body flowing into his, over his. He lay back on the carpet, pulling her with him, fitting her mouth to his, not to kiss, but to breathe her in. “You’re air to me, Julia. You’re the fucking air.”

Her eyes burned again, hot tears splashing down her cheeks again. “No, Grant—”

“Yes. You can believe in that, can’t you? Believe in me, in what we are together.” He kissed her, finally, oh God, finally, his hands cupping her head to keep her still while he plundered her mouth, searching for something she didn’t know if she had to give to him anymore. Helplessly, she gave in, lost in the swirl of need and desire. Her hair finally gave up as well, falling around them like a curtain. His hand moved off her face, following the concave arc of her spine before sliding over the curve of her rear. He squeezed, sending a flash of white-hot sensation through to her slick sex. He traced the crease he found all the way down to her wet folds, teasing her opening with dipping caresses.

She throbbed there, her sensitive flesh straining to take him in, practically sucking at his tempting touch but finding no reprieve. She needed him. Needed to be filled. Yanking back from his kiss, she braced a hand on his chest so she could pull at the button of his slacks. With a groan, he helped her, the two of them impatiently freeing his cock. He took hold of it, gripping the thick base to steady it for her. Need demanded she fit herself over him, take him in and fill the emptiness, but greed demanded something else. A taste.

As if he could read her mind, he opened his eyes halfway, peering at her for a frozen moment. She stared right back, even as she lowered her lips and took the swollen head of him between them. Down she went, taking him all the way into her mouth, swirling her tongue around him until she felt the too-tight grip of his hand.

Back up, slow, only to draw him once more into her mouth. It wasn’t the same kind of fullness she’d wanted, but satisfaction tingled through her as she again met his now-pumping grip. The stain of red on his cheeks and the near-glowing intensity of his eyes fed the hunger in her, made her move faster over him. She licked, sucking at the hint of fluid seeping from the head, tearing a guttural groan from him before speeding her pace to match his strokes.

Soon, it wasn’t enough. She needed more. Needed him. He didn’t question when she pulled him from her mouth. No, he simply reached out to help her kneel over him. Swore virulently when the crown of his cock met the wet heat of her pussy and sank deep inside. Rocking on him, full of him, Julia became a being of pure feeling. Her hands settled on his chest, using him as leverage to lift herself up before sliding back to the hilt. Faster and faster she rocked, her need a clawing desperation. He lifted onto one elbow, stilling her by looping his other arm around her waist and drawing her breast to his mouth.

She cried out as he nipped at the hard point, licking at the sting before sucking deeply. She tried to move, tried to reach the peak, but the faster she moved, the slower he met her. Her hands clawed at his shoulders, but he refused to match her pace.

Then, suddenly, he flipped them, fitting her beneath him. She gasped, blinking up at him, her heart stuttering at the intense heat in his molten gaze. All movement stopped, leaving her aware of his forearms under her shoulders, his hands in her hair holding her face still. Most of all, the sense of fullness, the hot intrusion of his cock within her, throbbing but not moving through her. Instead, it was nestled there, cradled by her body as if that was where he’d always belonged. It was all she could do to breathe more than a shaky exhalation at a time, his stillness demanding she feel beyond the physical. His stare implored her.

She was so fucking tired of crying, but unwanted emotion—love, pain, disappointment, heartbreak, need, even the joy buried beneath it all—rose and roiled inside her like a wave she couldn’t possibly survive. Tears overflowed down the sides of her face and into her hair. Her hands, flat against his chest, curled into fists. “Don’t do this to me, Grant.”

“I have to.” He lowered his lips to hers, a soft almost chaste kiss that crumbled more of the walls she’d been so desperate to build. His hips rose, slowly, sliding him from her briefly before he stroked back inside. Another kiss, another slow rise and fall of his body into hers, and she sobbed against his mouth. “You need to feel this.”

“I can’t.” She arched against him, her belly sliding against his. She tightened her legs around him, desperate to turn this from an act of love to something she could ignore, but he wasn’t having it. He stopped, returning them to that terrible stillness. “Please, Grant! I can’t go back to feeling it. Not alone. Please, not alone.”

“You’re not alone, baby. I swear, you’re not alone.” He pressed deep into her, grinding against her clit and sending a wracking shudder of pleasure through her. He levered up, pulling back to thrust deeper still. “You’re never alone.”

She stared up at him, unable to break that gaze as his thrusts increased, each one a full-length retreat and return, the width of him stroking her walls all the way around him, sending near-blinding waves of pleasure through her, but still she couldn’t look away.

“Don’t leave me again, Julia.” He panted, his dark hair catching the moisture on his forehead and flattening there. “I need you.”

He did. For the first time in so long, she could see it there in his eyes. Not sexual need, though that stained his cheeks. No, this was deeper. The glimpse of his heart she hadn’t seen in so long. Afraid to believe, she reached up, brushing the wet strands of his hair back, looking as deep as she dared into those tormented eyes.

“Grant?” His name was little more than a breath, but the sound seemed to break him. Or maybe it was her touch, both of her hands now cupped his face, and his control shattered.

Eyes squeezed shut, he turned his face into her hand, for the first time, his tears began to escape, spilling hotly onto her palm.

“Oh, Grant…” She pulled him down, kissing his cheeks, his lips, his eyes.

“I need you,” he said hoarsely, his lips meeting hers in pure demand now, his big body shaking, his hips jerking against her. He held her head to his, taking her mouth in a kiss that was more desperate than artful. She drowned in him, trying to hold him tight. Hold him together, because she could see that he’d finally hit the breaking point.

I have you.
She ached to say the words but she couldn’t, not with him devouring her. She could only will him to feel them, even as her heart and body began to rise. He moved over her, desperate passion removing any kind of finesse as he pumped ruthlessly into her. She took him, meeting him, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around him.

He broke the kiss, burying his face in her neck, rising to his knees and lifting her onto his lap to thrust harder, stealing her breath but not her will. “Love me, Julia. Please, say you still love me.”

She reached for him, sobbing herself when his hands met hers and took hold, stretching her arms over her head. Raw emotions swirled through her, the vulnerability she always felt with him blessedly going both ways once again. She realized then, that was part of what had gone wrong. Even here, at their most open and intimate, he had hidden from her. Closed her out. Not anymore, though.
I’m not alone. Neither of us is alone anymore…
She couldn’t shut him or her feelings out if she tried, the truth in her heart spilled free. “I do. I love you, Grant.”

Thought disappeared in the white heat of their passion. There was only the building tension, the need spiraling through them and finally, the breaking snap when she came apart around him, the clenching grip of her body dragging him with her over the edge, his shout of completion stifled against her skin as she smiled into his hair.

They were both shaking this time, his arms so tight around her she could barely breathe, but she didn’t care. He was finally letting
her
hold
him
. The tears she’d touched were still flowing against her skin, strangled sounds coming from him as he tried to hold back but couldn’t. She simply held him tighter.

The movement shifted her ear closer to his mouth and she realized he was whispering something, words tearing free as if ripping right from his soul…and tearing hers right along with him.

“Forgive me…”

Chapter Seven

He shouldn’t have started this. He knew it. He’d fought this for so long, but he couldn’t let her close herself up. Julia breathed life into everything she touched, especially him. To be responsible for her locking herself behind unemotional walls… He couldn’t let it happen. Bad enough that he’d done it. Not her. Never her.

Losing himself in her, letting her see the destruction inside him…he felt torn open. Like every other time she’d said she loved him, the guilt had come rushing back, but he was defenseless against it. Against her.

She stared at him with love and just like that, he was back in that car. Remembering. Wishing he’d had just one more second, one more chance to slow down. To turn that goddamned wheel…

Water poured down the windshield in a steady flow, the wipers doing little more than creating waves that near blinded him. They’d gone carefully over the mountain highway, heading back to the 5 Freeway so they could get home to Laguna Hills. They’d gone over the Ortega Highway thousands of times, rain or shine, day or night, because her family was there in Lake Elsinore. Julia lived for her family, wanting to see them whenever his schedule allowed. Her mother loved to spoil Autumn, and Grant loved to spoil Julia. Win-win, he’d always thought.

Usually, the drive was even somewhat soothing, the only time Autumn slept solidly and they could talk about whatever without toddler interruptions. This time wasn’t different from any one of those trips. The rain hadn’t even been a problem, falling as little more than a sprinkle until they’d finally cleared all the hairpin turns. Then, suddenly, it turned into sheets of water. He’d thought they were lucky to have gotten through before the road closed. Now it was only the big, swooping curves around the final jags of the mountain. Another mile or two and they’d be off the old road. Just a few more turns…

The sight of the road under the car lights still haunted him. He couldn’t stand to drive at night anymore. Each white dash disappearing under the car reminded him of those final moments. In his mind, those lines were clear, but that night, he’d barely been able to see them. The shine of the reflectors broke through the dark too late. He yanked the wheel, and Julia screamed, a sound that still woke him in the night, sheer terror ripping from her as the car began to spin, its rear dragging them backward toward the guardrail. Metal shrieked, sparks flying behind them, but the steel simply crumpled behind the heavy weight of his German import. Crumpled…then tore.