Shadows in the Silence (26 page)

“You’ll still have your soul.”

“Will I?” I asked. “If I do, I still won’t know what exactly I’ll turn into as an angel with a soul. And then after I lose
everything that I am, I’m supposed to lose my life as well. No one seems to be able to tell me anything that’s certain. I’m afraid of the unknown.”

She smiled at me. “You’re too much of a force to lose yourself to anything. If you forget who you are, then we’ll help you remember. You’ve got incredible friends with you who believe in you and love you too much to let you lose who you are.”

Madeleine was right. I had friends and family at home, and I’d brought friends—and family—with me on this journey. None of them would ever give up on me, no matter how many reasons I gave them to walk away. I had to do what I had to do, and they would follow me anywhere.

“What do you say we head back to the others?” she asked, rising to her feet and holding out a hand to help me up. “Then I will give you a tour of the armory and we can play with swords.”

I grinned and took her hand. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

MADELEINE HAD TRANSFORMED AN OLD CLASSROOM in the castle into her own incredible armory. The walls of the room were lined with swords of all sizes and origins, polearm weapons topped with vicious-looking blades, and an assortment of battle-axes. There was even a tomahawk decorated with feathers, and an elegant parashu whose sweeping, curved blade was etched with images of Hindu deities. I strolled along the walls, examining and admiring the collection as if I was in a museum, but Will was like a kid in a candy store. I bit my lip to keep from laughing, watching him struggle to decide which weapon to pull off its display mount first. He retrieved a fine example of a Celt-Iberian falcata inlaid with gold, only to return it to its rack and bring down the saya scabbard containing an unusual Yari spear.

“I take it that he inherited his weapon aficionado
tendency from you?” I asked Madeleine as I cracked up watching Will’s giddiness over all the new toys.

She smiled in return. “Most reapers tend to bring beloved artifacts with them through the ages. I have few belongings I’ve held on to that aren’t weapons.”

I thought of the things Will had kept all this time: the cross his mother gave him, the books on his shelves, his guitars, and even a few of my own things he’d kept over my many reincarnations, like my winged necklace and the phoenix hair comb he bought for me from the peddler in Shanghai. I wondered about Cadan, if there was anything besides sad memories that he’d held on to over the centuries.

Speaking of Cadan…he sat on a raggedy, mildewed sofa beside Ava. Marcus leaned his back against the wall. The three casually observed Will and me as Madeleine gave us a tour of the weapons collection.

“Which one is the glaive you suggested I practice with?” I asked Madeleine.

She moved to the polearms section of her collection and retrieved a partisan that resembled Azrael’s hallowed glaive, but in a far more primitive design. Every inch of the angelic-made weapons were not only unnaturally beautiful, but had an unearthly presence to them that gave them a faint feel of sentience. Will’s sword had been given to him by Michael, and I assumed my own Khopesh had been crafted for me in Heaven. our weapons had been forged with the purpose of being used on Earth. I could only imagine what sort of power
the hallowed glaive could wield in our realm, a realm it was never meant to enter. Then again, I already knew the answer to that question. The power this divine weapon could wield, the amount of power I would need to summon just to use it, would kill me.

Ava put a hand on my shoulder and rescued me from my thoughts. “Marcus and I will do some research to find some possible locations of the Naphil.”

“Good call,” I said. “There has to be someone else who knows where he is. The Naphil may have angelic protection. Check with every reliable source you have. Every rumor should be treated as a lead.”

She gave a curt nod and left the room with Marcus in tow. Cadan remained on the sofa with his arms crossed and his head tilted back. He looked as if he were dozing off. I turned back to Madeleine, who returned to me with the partisan staff in both hands. She handed it over, and I gauged the weight and balance of the weapon. It was hundreds of years old and yet balanced perfectly. The blades were double-edged and still sharp, with no signs of rust. Madeleine had taken care of this antique.

“Do you know what Sammael fights with?” she asked. “We should have you spar against something similar.”

I shuddered as I remembered the weapon Sammael used to brutally glean a young girl’s soul and devour it. “He had a scythe, but I don’t know if that’s his primary weapon. I saw him use it to take a girl’s soul.”

Her mouth turned down as she considered this. “I don’t like polearm against polearm. These weapons are meant to be used from a distance, not in close combat where there is not enough room between you and your enemy to strike. Have you seen Lilith use a weapon?”

I shook my head. I wished I remembered something from my time in Heaven’s army. I knew nothing about my enemies in battle, nothing that would give me an edge. However, once I became Gabriel, that might all change.

“Will,” Madeleine called to her son. “Spar with Ellie using your own sword. The weapon is large enough to minimize the partisan’s defenses and make using the partisan challenging.”

Like I needed a spar with Will to be any more challenging. He called his sword as instructed and moved to stand about fifteen feet away from me, well out of reach of my blade.

Madeleine positioned herself next to me and laid her hands over mine to guide my stance. “Your right hand is dominant so it must be your rear hand. This is where your power comes from. Your forehand guides the direction of the blade.” She lowered my rear hand, pivoting the staff so that the blade lifted to chest height. “This is your ward. Right heel stepped back, hands a great distance apart to keep the balance even. There you go.”

She moved away from me and motioned for Will to prepare. “Let’s work on defense first. Do not use the pole to stop a blade because the blade will sever the pole in two.
The partisan is designed to parry an attack by catching and entangling your opponent’s blade with the outer blades of your own weapon.”

Will rushed toward me, raising his sword over his head and sweeping it down in an arc. I pivoted the pole with my right hand as instructed and I lifted the spearhead. Will’s sword caught in the hooklike outer blade of the partisan. Before he could wrench it free, I swung the pole toward the ground—Will’s sword entangled in my own was unimaginably heavy—and he was unable to withdraw on his own. I slipped the partisan free and it became much lighter in my hands. I returned to my ward lightning-quick and thrust the blade toward Will’s throat and stopped. There was no way I’d have defeated him so easily if he weren’t going easy on me. This was only so I could get used to the techniques of using the polearm.

“Excellent instinct,” Madeleine said cheerfully. “You’ve even moved on to offense without my instruction. Well done. Cadan.”

He bolted awake and upright in the sofa so suddenly that one of the legs snapped and the sofa bottomed out. He swore as his butt hit the tile floor.

Madeleine strolled toward him and tapped the side of his head as he scrambled to his feet. “You. Let’s go.”

“What? Where?”

“Ellie can practice using the polearm while you and I say our piece,” she elaborated. “We don’t have much time.”

On their way out the door, Madeleine paused to give me a knowing look and a little half smile. I realized then that her conversation with Cadan was partly an excuse to allow me a conversation with Will. They left and I faced my Guardian once more.

“Are you ready to have a go at this?” he asked, his tone careful and hesitant. “Maybe we ought to take it easy for the rest of the night.”

“No,” I said. “We don’t have time to take it easy. Let’s just do this.”

He shrugged. “As you wish.” He moved faster than my eyes could follow, reappearing right in front of me, swinging his sword. I swept to the side, avoiding his blow, but he’d anticipated that move and was already prepared to follow me. His sword swung again and I lifted the partisan to catch his strike. The human-made metal was devastatingly inferior to the angelic silver of Will’s blade and I could feel it give and whine with each blow, threatening to break. As Will and I clashed, I became aware that he wasn’t using all of his strength. There was no way this weapon could have survived even this long against his. I grew angry, pushing at him harder. I whirled and struck his ribs with the pole of the partisan. He grunted and stumbled, but he didn’t counter my attack right away. He adjusted his grip on the helve of his sword and ducked out of the way of my next blow.

“Quit holding back!” I shouted at him. Didn’t he take this seriously? I had to learn how to use a weapon like this or
I would fail. Did he decide there was no point now because I would die? I wasn’t some dead girl walking. I wasn’t precious or finite, and he was pissing me off treating me like so. “Just fight me!”

He shot me a hard look and stepped aside, letting his sword vanish in a shimmering flash. “No. Not like this. Not when you’re angry.”

“
You’re
making me angry,” I shot back. “We have to use what little time we’ve got left to prepare, and we might as well use the rest of the night to train. Do you think this is a waste of time?”

“No,” he murmured low and harshly, but said nothing more.

“No?” I repeated. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say about everything?”

His green eyes pierced mine. “No.”

I gritted my teeth with impatience. “I know what this is about.”

“Do you?” he demanded. “Do you even care?”

I stared at him, bewildered. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He exhaled heavily as he shook his head and dropped his gaze. “Never mind.”

“No you don’t,” I snapped at him. “Don’t give me a noncommittal response when you have something to say. What don’t I care about?”

He whirled back to me, eyes blazing. “
Me!
You’ve just
agreed to throw your life away, just given up the fight, without asking for my help or how
I
feel. I told you that I won’t—I
can’t
—let you go and you don’t care if you’re taken from me.”

My anger and shock had fled, replaced with only an immeasurable sadness. “I do care. God, I care so much. I know how much it hurt you when you thought I was gone after Ragnuk killed me—”

“I don’t think you do,” he said quietly. “You are all I know. If you fall, then I fall.”

“Don’t say that,” I said. “I won’t let you talk like that.”

“I have done one thing for five hundred years,” he said. “And that’s protect you—fighting alongside you,
being
with you. You’ve shown me how to live, how to be human. When you were gone for decades, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know anything else. I have nothing without a purpose, without you.”

I felt defeated. “I don’t want to die either. I’m terrified of what will happen to me if I die an archangel. But this is so much bigger than you and me. We both came into this knowing and understanding the cost: enduring every adversity that comes with war. only we’ve had to experience this for hundreds of years and the end is so close. We can finish this once and for all for
everyone
. Countless lives depend on us—on you and me.”

He sucked in his lip in that familiar way, but it only broke my heart more this time. He shook his head. “I wish I
could be brave and selfless for this, but I’ve given up everything for this war.
Everything
. I won’t give up you. You’re the only thing I refuse to lose.
Never
, Ellie.” He drew a trembling breath. “Never.”

“We don’t have a choice,” I told him.

“I
will
save you.”

“You can’t. Not this time.”

“Then I will fall with you.”

I shook my head and backed away from him, lifting the partisan glaive once more. “No. You can’t talk like that. Whatever happens to me when I ascend and use the hallowed glaive will happen, but not until after I’ve stopped Sammael and his army. We have to focus. Now come on. Fight me. Train me like you want me to live.”

He gave me a pitiful, beaten look, and called his sword. I gestured to him and he nodded in return as he took a deep breath. His raised his blade and I leaped into a jog, lifting the staff to drive it toward him, but he surprised me. He didn’t wait for my move; instead, he struck first. His sword caught in the curve of the outer blades and I halted his attack. I shoved down in order to disarm him, but his extreme strength combined with the massive size of his blade kept me from yanking it right out of his hands. My concentration broke—I imagined myself in this position against Sammael and a tremor slithered through me, allowing Will to overpower me. He forced me to take several steps back before shoving his foot into my chest. The partisan slipped
free of Will’s blade and I lost my balance. My back hit the wall with a hard thump, nearly knocking the wind from my chest. I just didn’t have it in me to keep going tonight. I was too emotionally exhausted.

I slid to the floor, chucking the glaive aside and letting it clatter across the stone. When I didn’t rise, Will withdrew his sword and came over to me. Then slowly, he sat down beside me, drew his arms around me, and slid me close. We remained there in silence with my legs tangled over his lap and my fingers curling around the hem of his shirt as one of his hands tucked my hair behind my ear. I wanted to stay like that, wrapped in his arms, until the world ended. I wanted to stay human. I didn’t want to be an archangel again. I didn’t want to change and become a heartless war machine. I didn’t want to break Will’s heart. I didn’t want to use a weapon that would kill me. End me. I didn’t want to end.

With my soul ripping in two, I pulled away from Will and forced myself to my feet.

He watched me, hurt twisting his features. “What’s wrong?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“You told me once that you loved me because I was human,” I said, my voice tiny. “Will you still love me when I’m an angel? Even if I won’t be human anymore?”