Shadowed Soul (15 page)

“Sure.” Pete smiled.

“Did your dad
stay
better?” I asked, thinking of my own condition.

“He managed,” said Pete slowly.  “Some days he managed really well and others he struggled.  I guess he found ways to live with it.  On the whole you couldn’t ever detect what was preying on his mind.  But there were times that I would hear him crying at night.”  I nodded a little and Peter saw something in my expression. “Listen Tom, I don’t judge you.  You have your own demons stalking you but I also know that you’re a good guy at heart and so does Beth.  She’ll support you.  All you have to do is let her know how you’re feeling and what’s happening and she’ll understand.  It might not be easy for her but she will.  You just have to give her your trust and your time and she’ll be there in every way that she can.  Oh hell, listen to me.  I hope you don’t think that I’m interfering, son?”

“No, Pete, I don’t,” I reassured him.  I was incredibly touched that he had sat down and told me about his dad and had taken the time to let me know that I was part of his family.

“So, do you want to talk about anything, Tom?”  Pete looked at me levelly.

“Not right this red hot minute,” I admitted, wondering if he somehow knew I had been fired.

“That’s okay, son, you do what makes you feel comfortable,” assured Pete.  “I’m a good listener.”

“If that’s the case then why do you keep forgetting to take out the garbage?” asked Dorothy and Beth both as they came back to the kitchen.  With Jonathan asleep in my lap after the cold, I hadn’t even noticed that they had left as I had been so wrapped up in Pete’s story.

“Well, that’s because I don’t
want
to take the garbage out,” snickered Pete playfully.  “I hear you, I just don’t listen.”

I understood that these three people had decided to let me know how they felt and they had used the man of the house to deliver the message.  I excused myself to the bathroom to hide my welling tears.  Noting my expression, Dorothy took the baby.  When I returned to the kitchen Beth was dancing around with leash and coat.  Expectant, Bailey’s big tail thumped the floor.

“Suit up, big guy, you’re taking me and Bailey for a walk!”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Crisp and clear, the freezing air flash froze the residual lump in my throat as Beth, Bailey and I strolled to the park.  With each breath I felt lighter.  Passersby greeted us with seasonal warmth.  The whole city seemed to be a happier place than perhaps it would be tomorrow and I began to fully see the reality of Christmas.  I had once believed that it was a false lull in the general misery of life.  But on this morning I regarded it as a chance to regroup and take a rest from all that the world had to throw at you.  Maybe it was artificial but who was I to find fault with a little island of sanity in my existence.  Here I was with my beloved wife and our peerless dog, safe and happy together. Maybe Christmas was simply a time for hope to shine through, and a chance to grab it.  If that is what it was then why hate it?  The last few months of my life had been a mire of gloom but my hand was in the hand of my wife and we were walking as one.  A couple, we existed to be together and that was nothing to be miserable about.  We were together and all was well with the world.

As we walked in comfortable silence my mind brought forth a poem that I had written for Beth the day she made me promise to tell her what was going on in my head.  Beth had not heard it, and maybe she never would because I was reticent about sharing my poetry, another thing that had been trounced by my mother’s lack of interest.  I silently recited the poem in my head as we walked.

Today I embark on a journey
 
To a land far away
 
In search of my love
 
Who was here and now is gone
 
My mistakes can never go away
 
But my love will always stay
 
I hope and pray that someday
 
We’ll be together holding hands
 
Kissing under a tree
 
With children running across a field
 
As I will have learned to be the father
 
And husband I know
 
I can be
 
Honest, trustworthy and kind
 
I will work very hard to correct my mind
 
So we can be a family living as one
 
As we promised in church
 
And I stand firm, regardless
 
What has happened and it was plenty
 
I always love you inside
 
To be without you is hard
 
But I will fight to be the person I want to be
 
Honest trustworthy and a provider
 
For our family.
 
I just hope and pray it’s not too late
 
I will take it day by day and be the person I am
 
And not say I love you but prove it with my actions
 
Actions speak louder than words
All I can ask is a chance to redeem and you will be
 
Pleasantly surprised I will say
 
As I love you today, yesterday and everyday I’ve known you
 
Forever, my heart is only given once

          I did love her, with all that I had to love, my heart, body, mind and soul were hers to do with as she pleased.  Devotion and love can sometimes be different things but in my case they had synchronized with Beth and it was one pure, unfiltered feeling that radiated at her.

“I love you, Beth,” I said and she smiled.

“I know you do.”  Beth bit her bottom lip in a playful manner. “How much do you love me?”

“I love you more than I love…” I stopped and pantomimed that I was thinking really hard. “Okay, I love you more than I love ice cream.”

“Oh, that’s good.”  She nodded appreciatively. “I love you more than I love
Sex and the City
.”

“Wait, you don’t like
Sex and the City
,” I stated quizzically.

“I do!  It’s my evil secret,” giggled Beth.  “Samantha and her friends are like crack to me.  I can’t get enough of them.”

“Beth!  Not in front of Bailey!?” I stammered, pretending to be upset.

“Well, now you know, big guy,” sighed Beth. “Still love me more than ice-cream?”

“I’ll have to think.”  I shook my head.  “What do you think Bailey, should we forgive her for liking
Sex and the City
?”  Bailey glanced over his shoulder at the mention of his name and returned immediately to sniffing the underbrush at the park.

“Okay, I’ve decided, I love you more than most ice-cream flavors and the same as Raspberry Ripple and Chocolate,” I declared.

“That’s fair, I guess,” said Beth.  “I still love you more than
Sex and the City
.”

Through the park we bantered and laughed and shivered, our hands clasped together while Bailey explored nearby.  It had stopped snowing for the moment, but the horizon was heavy with the threat of more.  We reached our usual bench, its wood damp and cold so I spread my overcoat.  Relieved to doff my coat, I sweated under layers that included a new sweater from Beth.  The luxurious knit was of exquisitely dense grey wool that sweltered.

“You’ll catch a cold,” warned Beth.

“Not in this sweater!  Beth, Shakleton took this on the
Endurance
to the South Pole, didn’t he?!”

“So, you like it?”  She touched my arm and smiled a little.

“Honey, I love it the same as ice-cream.”  I laughed and we sat down.  “Can we talk?”

“Of course we can, Thomas.” She turned to face me, her expression open and honest. “We can always talk.  I wish we’d talk more than we do.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry Beth.  I do try, but sometimes…”  I stopped as I pondered the best words to explain why I had been fired from my job.

“I know you do, honey,” said Beth, eager for me to continue.

“I am so sorry about being such a dick to you over the last couple of months,” I apologized.  “I’ve been unbearable, haven’t I?”

“No, not at all.  I mean, I’ve been pretty preoccupied with the baby and getting my body back and mended,” she said and took my hand. “Thomas, I know what you go through and I know how you feel better than almost anyone and I understand that it’s been hard.  A new baby, me living at my parents and, well, you don’t cope too well in that apartment alone.  I’ve been worried about you but I’ve always understood why you’ve been so absent.”

“I should have been with you and Bailey,” I said.  She looked at me with an odd expression, so I added hastily, “…and the baby.  I mean, I missed the first months of his life.  Look, Beth, I just want us all to be together again and I’m trying so hard to get a new apartment and…”

“Thomas, will you be honest with me?”

“Of course, Beth!”  My heart sank.  Had my former boss somehow gotten in touch with her before I had a chance to remediate the mess myself?  Impossible!  I wanted to be honest with her, I truly did but I did not want to ruin Christmas for our family.

“Okay, are you happy that we’ve got a child?” asked Beth.

“Yes, of course,” I said too quickly, she stared me down. “I just worry that I won’t be a good enough dad for him.  I want his life to be better than mine.  And, and, I don’t want him to grow up hating me.”

“He won’t,” assured Beth, stroking my face.

“He might,” I said with certainty, avoiding her gaze. “I hate my mother.”

“Thomas.”  Beth’s sharp tone whipped my attention. “First, you don’t hate your mother.  You don’t understand her, and maybe you don’t like her but that’s not the same as hate.  You don’t have room in your heart for hatred, Thomas.”  Beth stopped herself as tears welled up in her eyes. “That’s not true though, is it?  You do have hatred inside you and it’s all directed inwards.  That’s the hardest thing for me to accept, how much you hate yourself.”

“It’s because of my--” I began, but Beth cut me short.

“You’ve got to stop blaming your mother, Thomas.  It’s your life now.  Our life!” exclaimed Beth. 

“I don’t always hate myself, or my mother,” I mumbled, reminding myself I was now free of the woman who had crushed my confidence for decades.

“You’ve got to let it go,” urged Beth softly, squeezing my hand, mitten on glove.  “Secondly, you are nothing like your mom.  You are a warm and sensitive man and no matter how bad things get, you are a wonderful, resilient man.  You won’t be a perfect dad, and guess what?  I won’t be a perfect mom, but we’ll be good parents and that’s all Jonathan will need.  People survive worse, Thomas.”  Beth kissed me on the corner of my mouth.  “Like this.”  She kissed me again.  “And this.”  And again, this time on my lips.  I wanted more.  “How much do you love me, Thomas?”  But I could not answer because Beth’s mouth had eclipsed mine.  For a long time we smooched on the park bench.

“With all my heart,” I finally whispered never more certain in my life.

“I’m very glad to hear that,” whispered Beth in return, and kissed me again.

Now was the time.  Now that Beth and I had reinforced our love and dedication for one another, I had to tell her the truth.

“Beth, I lost my job,” I said apologetically.  “I didn’t want to wreck your Christmas, but--”  Beth placed her hand on my cheek, her eyes were like lasers.

“You hated your job, Thomas,” she fired back reassuringly.

“But this means we won’t be able to get an apartment for months now.”

“Okay,” she pondered and clasped my hand. “Well then, we’ll think of something.  My dad says that there are jobs where he works.  He can put in a good word for you.”

“I wouldn’t be good at building, Beth.  Remember that shelf I put up?”  I smiled lamely.

“There are office jobs, too.  Copywriters!  You can do that, Thomas.  Maybe slip in a bit of your poetry?”  Beth winked.

“I’m not a writer, Beth,” I protested.  “I’ve got a masters degree!”

“So, we’ll find you another job.  It’s not as if we don’t have a million options,” stated Beth.  “We live in the richest city on earth.  It’s all going to be fine, Thomas, we’ll all be fine. I promise.”  Beth’s promise was fairy dust to my soul. I believed her. 

The part of me that fought earnestly against the Shadowed Soul believed Beth’s truth was stronger.  I wanted her to be right.  I had everything I needed to be happy so maybe I would be able to cut through all the other stuff and remain happy.  That shouldn’t be a difficult thing to achieve, not really, not when I had so many people rooting for me to succeed and conquer my demons.

“It’s a process, Thomas,” said Beth, as if reading my mind and correcting my flawed thinking.  “It’s a process, not an end.  Our happiness together, I mean.”

A big wet snowflake landed on my face and I smiled.

“We should get back,” I said, and kissed her.

“Yeah, we should,” agreed Beth holding me close.  “It’s nearly time to open all the gifts!”

“You’re my gift,” I whispered, wrapping Beth in my arms as snow fell heavier.  Bailey was enchanted by the snow.  Beth and I giggled watching our dog snap at lazy flakes.  “Beth, you’re my gift, now and forever.”  Content, my mind rewound lazily to my frenzied day of shopping for Christmas.  “Such a savior, those gift-wrap services at all the stores!”  For the life of me, I could not recall what I had bought for Beth.  Of all the people in the world to forget, I could not reconstruct in my mind what gift or even what store I had chosen most suitable for my wife’s special present.

“Bailey, time to go home and open presents,” said Beth, shaking me from my addled memory.  Bailey obeyed, taking his place beside Beth, his training as a service dog overriding our
man’s best friend
relationship.  We’re going
home
, I thought, with a great sense of comfort.  As we walked Beth held my hand.

“So, what happened with your job?” asked Beth innocently presenting me the opportunity to come clean.

“Thomas, just tell the bitch to fuck off,” said the Shadowed Soul, out of no where.  “It’s none of her goddamned business.”