Shadow: Cerberus MC Book 3 (20 page)

She shakes her head at me.

“He said some things last night that made me believe he wanted more, but the second they came out of his mouth, he changed into a different person. He’s so angry at me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if it’s possible. He probably didn’t mean a damn thing he said. He was wasted.”

She shakes her head with a small smile on her face.

“What did he say?”

“I’m not going into all of that with you, Bri. I’ve said more than I should already.”

“A drunk man’s talk is a sober man’s thoughts,” she says getting up from the bed.

“More of Granny Griggs’ advice?” I ask. She’s always spouting off about things her dad’s mom used to say to her growing up.

“Don’t question Granny Griggs. She was the only woman I’ve ever met that understood men. God rest her beautiful soul,” she says before walking out and slamming the door a little too roughly. She’s mad, that’s plain to see, but I don’t know if it’s because I won’t give her details about last night or if she’s pissed at her brother.

The baby startles in the crib, and I’m not given another second to worry about it.

A slamming door echoes through my head. I groan and want to stab the inconsiderate fuck who clearly doesn’t know that the day after a party at the clubhouse is reserved for peace, calmness, and sleeping all day. I turn back over in bed, but my body hurts from sleeping in the same position for so long.

I wince at the pain in my arm. Gripping my shoulder with the opposite hand, I rotate my arm to my side. This thing was never the same after that job in Kenya, but with two slugs and a shattered scapula, I’m glad to have any type of range of motion.

“I’m too old for this shit,” I grumble as I make my way to the shower. I grin at the quote from the Danny Glover movie as I turn the dial to ‘burn your balls off’ hot and step in. I hate to wash the smell of Misty off my skin, not knowing when I’ll get another chance with her. I’m an asshole, and I know I’m wearing my welcome out where her pussy is concerned. I don’t know why I take a head trip after I’ve been in her.

That’s not true. I do know. She makes me feel shit I’m not accustomed to. She makes me want to settle down and be a better man. She’s beautiful, and as far as I can see, the best mother Griffin could have ever asked for. I’m the one holding back. I’m the one being a total fucking asshole. I’m breaking her. I know I am, and I have to face that fact again today. I know I’m going to have to look into her eyes and see the pain I put there last night.

I wasn’t anywhere near as drunk last night as I was the first time. She probably doesn’t know that, though. I wanted to stay in the bed with her, wrap my arms around her and promise her the world, but something is holding me back. The first time I took her in that room, it was the way she dressed at the bar. Last night, it was seeing just how easy it is for her to move on. Watching her spend the evening with Butch made my blood boil.

Kincaid’s words are still loud and clear in my head. I know she’s going to move on. I know she’s going to replace whatever we may have with someone new. I know another man will be able to spend more time with my son than I could if that happens. I don’t want that, but I can’t determine if it’s because I’m a selfish bastard or if it’s because I want her in that capacity. I wish I could turn all emotions off, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.

I get out of the shower and towel off. Sliding on some pajama pants, I make my way into the bedroom. My shoulder is still burning so I head over to the bedside table looking for an Icy Hot patch. My eyes land on the baby monitor I put in there a while back.

I roll it in my hands and sit on the edge of the bed. I debate whether or not I should turn it on. I haven’t invaded her privacy in quite a long time. I only did it in the beginning because I wanted to make sure she was the type of woman I could trust around my son. She proved that rather quickly. I know she’d sacrifice her life just as I would for that child.

Against my better judgment, I twist the nob.

“Such a big boy, Griffin. Daddy will be so proud. Say it again. Say da-da,” she coos at him.

I listen as she plays with him for a while.

I grip the monitor tighter when I hear my son’s sweet voice say ‘da-da’ for the first time. I swipe the first tear off my cheek because grown men don’t fucking cry over shit like this. I allow the second and the third to fall because I’m a pussy and that ‘grown men’ mess is complete bullshit.

“You’re such a lucky baby, Griff. I love you so much,” she says softly. “I love your daddy, too. He doesn’t feel the same about me, but he loves you more than life itself. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you. You are loved, sweet angel.”

I hear her begin to rock slowly in the rocking chair, and I know she’s nursing him before his morning nap.

She loves me.

I’ve used her twice now.

She loves me
.

I’m the biggest asshole that has ever existed on the face of the fucking earth.

She’s never expected a relationship from me. She’s accepted everything I’ve ever done for her with grace and gratitude. She doesn’t ask for anything. She didn’t show up expecting anything but help with Griffin. She’s worked her ass off at that shitty bar to try to provide for herself and her son.

She loves me
.

I turn the knob on the baby monitor, silencing it and letting it fall to the floor. Everyone could see it but me. Em, Kincaid, even Butch’s ass could tell that Misty is a good woman who deserves the world. I’ve let my anger cloud my eyes. I couldn’t accept that the night in Denver wasn’t some ploy to trap me. That her trip to the abortion clinic wasn't meant to get back at me for something, but a lost girl at the end of her rope.

I flop back on the bed and cover my eyes with my forearm. Months she’s been here and never pushed me for more. Twice I’ve used her like some twenty dollar whore. And of course, I’m the asshole that realizes just how spectacular she is after I’ve probably ruined any chance of actually being with her in earnest.

***

A quick knock on the door makes me jump, startling me from sleep. I’m still in pajama pants, laid back on the bed with my feet on the floor.

I sit up, rub my eyes, and make my way to the door.

Pulling it open, I find Misty and Griffin on the other side. She’s fresh-faced and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. She looked amazing last night in her little dress and sandals. Her makeup looked professionally done, but not overdone, but the way she looks right now is the ultimate.

“Can you watch Griffin for a while? Bri and I were going to go to the store for a few groceries. He’s cranky, and I think he has an upset tummy. I think the meat I ate last night was too rich for his little system.” She says all of this without even looking up at me.

“Sure,” I say reaching out for him.

“I’m going to talk to the pharmacist and see if there’s a way to settle his stomach down.”

I nod as she places him in the crook of my arm. Without thinking, I reach my free arm around her and kiss her on the forehead.

She gently pushes me away. “Don’t,” she says softly with a small break in her voice. I watch with a pain in my chest I can’t identify as she walks down the hall and turns the corner toward the front door.

I feel Griffin tense in my arms, and then he releases the nastiest noise from his business end. I feel the warmth on my arm just before the smell hits my nose.

“You are a sick little thing aren’t you,” I say trying not to gag.

I strip us both down and hop in the shower with him. It takes twenty minutes, another explosive accident, and nearly a full bottle of baby wash before I consider both of us clean enough to get out. I scramble for a diaper, not even worrying about drying myself off and getting dressed. I couldn’t handle it if he did that again outside of the shower with nothing covering him.

I grab a onesie from his clothes drawer and realize very quickly that I replaced all of his clothes in his drawers in Misty’s room last week, but I didn’t in here. It was another thing on my list I didn’t manage to get around to. I place Griffin in the crib, who fusses at being put down when he doesn’t feel well. I towel off and dress quickly.

Scooping him out of the crib and wrapping him in a blanket so he doesn’t get a chill, I make my way over to Misty’s room for a few changes of clothes for him.

I place him in his crib in her room since he’s rolling over now, and dig through his drawer. I pull out a few onesies and several pairs of long pants, anything to contain what we just dealt with, should it happen again.

My finger brushes against an envelope in the front of the drawer. It’s addressed to Misty with the clubhouse’s address on it. The return address is the courthouse in Denver County.

I swallow thickly at the sight of it. All sorts of thoughts run through my head. I wonder if she’s going to try to fight me for custody. If she’s gearing up to leave, and she’s trying to find a way to do that legally without my consent.

I turn up the flap on the top of the envelope and pull the paper from inside. I sigh in relief when I realize it’s only Griffin’s birth certificate, but I nearly crumple to the ground with pride when I see that I’m listed as the father. I stare in awe at my son’s full name: Griffin Morrison Griggs.

I’ve been a part of his life since the second he was born. Misty had honored me as his father even when she had no clue she’d end up on my doorstep. That woman gave me my beautiful son. She gave him my name, first and last, and I’ve done nothing but treat her like a dog since day one.

Well, all that shit changes now. She may try to push me away. She may have already hardened her heart against me as best she can, but I know eventually I’ll infiltrate her soul. They named me Shadow for a reason.

“I’m just saying, I think he’s coming around,” Bri says as she pockets her cell phone.

Khloe looks up from her textbook and gives me a sad smile.

Shadow has tried to talk to me on more than one occasion since the other night, but I’ve blown him off. My heart hurts too much to even consider the possibility of letting him get to me more than he already has.

“What has he said to you?” Em asks.

I shrug. “Nothing.”

“That’s because she won’t talk to him. He has plenty to say,” Bri adds.

“What has he said to you?” I ask her.

“Nope,” she says popping the p sound. “I’ll tell you the same thing I tell him when he asks. You need to talk to him. I’m not going to be the go-between for you guys.”

“But he asked about her?” Em asks.

Bri makes a zipper and lock motion with her hand against her mouth. “I’m a vault.”

I hear Khloe chuckle, and the sound makes me smile. She doesn’t really get involved; she’s more of a silent observer. It makes me wonder what she’s heard around the clubhouse.

I’m not mad at Shadow; I’m mad at myself. I caved without so much as a squeak of refusal both times he’s come to my room drunk, looking to get laid. That part is on me. What upsets me the most is his ability to just look into my eyes, brush his lips against mine, and I relent. Every. Damn. Time. I have no resolve around him. He can apologize every day, but that doesn’t change a thing.

“Every time we talk, we end up arguing about petty shit,” I sigh.

“Not every time,” Bri adds. I look over at her and see her waggling her eyebrows up and down.

“I can assure you there was no talking then either.” I fold my hands on my lap.

“Well, then you guys just need to lock yourselves in your room and bang like bunnies until neither of you is mad,” Bri says as if it’s the best idea in the universe.

Em huffs a laugh at the absurdness of it.

“We have a baby, Bri,” I say flatly. “We can’t just disappear from the world. Plus, that would never work. This is deeper than that. I really think he hates me. He can never forgive me for keeping Griffin a secret from him. The damage is done. I’m a hate fuck, that’s it.”

Just as Bri is about to open her mouth to no doubt spew more of her worldly knowledge, there’s a swift knock on the door.

Em stands from the sofa. “I wonder who that is.”