Shadewell Shenanigans (16 page)

King Phew sighed. “They’ll be waiting for us at both ends,” he said. “Crikey’s probably found the underground maps.”

“Jolly good,” Modeset muttered, wincing when Susti slapped him on the side of his head.

“We might as well turn back,” the king continued, his shoulders sagging.

“Yes, I would if I were you,” the duke urged. “You really don’t stand a chance.”

“Maybe we can convince the guards to return their allegiance to us?”

Modeset laughed. “I wouldn’t bank on it,” he said. “Your soldiers are particularly stupid, even by Dullitch standards. You should educate them once in a while; does wonders for allegiance, an education.”

The noise from the end of the passage was growing louder. It sounded like two different sets of footsteps: one evenly paced and the other …

“Dogs!” the king exclaimed. “I think they’ve got dogs with them.”

“Our guards don’t
have
dogs,” said Susti doubtfully. “Maybe it’s just an echo thrown up by people breathing.”

“No.” Modeset smiled. “I think you’ll find that’s most definitely a dog, Your Highness.”

“She wouldn’ o’ lied,” Groan boomed, shoving Gape aside as he stomped from the great pyramid into the hollow streets of Wemeru. “She’s ’n love wiv me.”

“Actually, I think she preferred
me,
” Gape muttered, ignoring the dwarf’s blatant glare. “But speaking objectively,
big brother,
I think we’ve BOTH been done.”

Groan rounded on him. “What? Just o’ cause some mangy ol’ ’ead sez so?”

“Hey, who’re you calling mang—”

Gordo was quick to stifle Loogie’s question, but Gape was staring at Groan with a false smile playing on his lips.

“Are you
really
so stupid that you’d rather go in search of a treasure that doesn’t exist than
admit
you’ve been taken for a fool by a woman?”

“Both of you have,” Gordo observed, adding, “and don’t look at me: I’m just the backup.”

Groan sniffed. “I reckon we shoul’ go ta Kazbrack, get the idol an’—”

“For the love of MERCY! There
is no idol.
”

“Yeah, so
’e
sez.” Groan thumbed at the head. “You’d ’ave to be a real dillo ta take ’is ’dvice.”

Gape rolled his eyes. “You’d have to be a real dillo NOT to. He knows about history and geography. Do we? Do we hel—”

“We could go,” said Gordo. He’d spoken the words quietly, but now everyone was staring at him, apart from Loogie (who was staring—not by choice—at the dwarf’s groin). “You know; just to make sure.”

“WHAT?” said Gape incredulously. “You can’t be serious!”

“Well, Kazbrack is really close now. We could just nip—”

“You want to go across another expanse of water, to an island infested with demons,
just to make sure
there isn’t an idol there? You do realize that makes you totally insane?”

“Yeah, but if we fin’ one, I reckon’ it might make me a prince,” Groan said, beaming.

“And if you don’t?” said Loogie, slightly annoyed that he’d been rotated
away
from the conversation.

“If we don’t,” Gordo muttered, “we go back to Phlegm with a vengeance. Princess or no princess.”

Gape shook his head and slumped onto the ground, staring down the main street of Wemeru with an angry glint in his eye.

Gordo lifted Loogie’s head toward him. “I don’t suppose the marvelous inventors of the incredible translocator ever got ’round to sea travel, did they?”

Loogie pursed his lips. “Afraid not,” he said. “I don’t think they really liked the ocean.”

Gordo shared a look with Groan and Gape, then made to fasten the head back onto his belt.

“Mind you,” Loogie went on, “there’s always the pedal sky-spinner, but they never properly tested th—what? What’re you all lookin’ at?”

Pegrand Marshall appeared in the tunnel. From what Susti could determine, he was attempting, unsuccessfully, to hold back a
blur
on a lead.

King Phew stepped back and swallowed. The dog didn’t just look mad; it looked positively
deranged.

Pegrand grimaced in the glowering shadows. “You have a five-minute head start,” he said, snatching a torch from the wall. “And then I’m going to let him go.”

Susti peered over Modeset’s shoulder at her father, who was frozen to the spot with fear.

“Er, I’d make the most of it if I were you,” Pegrand urged them. “I don’t think I can hold him much longer.”

Susti turned to run, tripped on a loose stone, and fell down, holding the knife above her like a shield.

King Phew tried to make his feet move, but they were rooted. He gave a little whimper instead.

“That’s it; I can’t—”

Pegrand gave a gasp of pain, then let go of the lead and watched in horror as the dog scampered forward.

Time seemed to stop as Vicious flew through the air …

… dashed between King Phew’s trembling legs …

… and went straight for Modeset’s throat. It missed and fastened its jaws onto the duke’s arm instead.

Susti elbowed her way back through the tunnel as the duke lurched from wall to wall, his fingers locked around the dog’s snapping maw.

“I’m sorry, milord,” Pegrand called. “I really thought it’d go for the others.”

“Argghh!” Modeset cried. “You should’ve known better, damn it! This dog is the most unpredictaaaaahhh!”

He stumbled a few feet and, with one final burst of strength, prized the dog’s jaws off his arm and lobbed it down the corridor. It landed on its feet, spun around, and set its sights on Pegrand, a low growl birthing in its throat.

“Er, b-bad boy,” the manservant started. “
Naughty
boy. STAY!”

By the time Vicious leaped, Pegrand had already turned and bolted up the corridor like a man possessed. The dog quickly gave chase.

King Phew let out a heavy sigh of relief. His daughter, who’d managed to struggle back onto her feet, had already realigned her knife with the duke’s throat.

“That won’t be necessary,” said a voice, and the princess felt a crossbow bolt in the small of her back. “Let’s have that blade, Your Highness.”

General Crikey’s sly grin appeared in the semi-darkness like some freakish phantom. There were two more smiles behind him.

Modeset stepped away from the princess and grinned. “You’ve made a valiant attempt to escape, Susti,” he said, rubbing his wounded arm. “But it’s over. Now, I’ll say it one last time: you can either come along quietly, or you can die. The choice is yours entirely.”

Susti took one last regretful look at her father, and tossed the knife to General Crikey, who caught it and tucked it into his belt.

“Now, listen up,” he instructed as the duke squeezed past him. “Everyone follow me … and no stragglers.”

Groan, Gordo, and Gape had been directed by Loogie to the top of a step pyramid on the east side of Wemeru, where they had located the city’s apparently “notorious” sky-spinner.

The contraption squatted on the flat roof of the pyramid. It was an ugly machine, with five seats fixed below four giant wooden blades. Beneath each seat was an ancient-looking set of pedals. The whole thing looked antiquated.

Gordo waddled around the sky-spinner a few times before coming to a conclusion.

“It’ll never fly,” he muttered. “Not in a million years.”

“Of course it’ll
fly,
” Loogie assured him. “It’s
enchanted.
”

Gape grinned. “What, like the translocator?”

“
That
was different. I’ve actually
seen
this working. Er … well,
almost
working. We’re two men short, but the controls are basically—”

“Can I guess?” Gordo interrupted.

“Erm … go ahead.”

“Do we, by any chance, start pedaling frantically until it takes off?”

“Yes! Simple, isn’t it?”

Gape looked doubtful. “Don’t we need a runway of some kind?”

“Well,” said the head. “That’s what the pyramid’s for, you see.”

Every head swiveled to regard Loogie.

“You don’t mean …” Gape began.

“Yeah, that’s right. We drive off the edge of the pyramid, pedal fiercely, and hope we’re aloft by the time we get below the tree line.”

There was an awkward silence.

“You know what I think?” Gordo hazarded. “I think that bloke with the shoe-sole boat’d fit right in here.”

“R
IGHT. ON THE COUNT
of three: one-two-three-RUN! That’s it, pick up your feet, we’re near the edgeaaarrgghghgghh! Pedal! Pedal, damn it! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! FFAASSTTEERR!”

“I can’t pedal; my leg’s stuck!”

“We’re all gonna die!”

“Groan! Take over Gape’s pedals!”

“I can’t; I’m doin’ me own.”

“Loogie—”

“What am
I
supposed to pedal with? My teeth?”

“Argghghgh! Now my leg’s stuck.”

“How come
nothing
these people make works properly?”

“We’re gonna hit the trees, we’re gonna hit the damn trees!”

“Pedal, then! Peddddaaalll!”

“My pedal’s come off! Oh, no it hasn’t—it’s just slipped down a bit—”

“Our lords who aren’t in Illmoor, cursed be thy name. Hallowed be the sound of them burning underground …”

“I love you, Groan.”

“Shut up and pedal, you bloody midget!”

“Don’t you call me a midget, Gape Tearghh! I don’t believe it! We’re flying—we’re flying!”

Groan and Gape paid him no attention. They were both staring, openmouthed at the far horizon. The sky-spinner had cleared the treetops and was beginning to rise high over Rintintetly, carried on a wind that seemed to have come from nowhere.

“I told you,” said Loogie’s muffled voice, from the seat next to Gordo. In all the excitement, he’d accidentally rolled onto his face. “Pure enchantment, that is. One hundred percent pure—”

“—sweat,” finished Gape. “And a decent wind; otherwise, we’d all be pancakes.”

“Yeah,” Groan managed, his feet working the pedals so fast they literally hummed. “Damn zombie junk.”

Loogie gave an exaggerated sigh. “Hey, don’t knock it, pal,” he muttered. “You’re flying, aren’t you?”

They were now some way above the forest roof, and the Nasbeck Ocean was fast approaching. Gape chanced a glance over one shoulder and saw that the pyramids of Wemeru were already fading dots in the distance.

Gape peered around at Groan. “Can you see it?” he asked.

“Eh?”

“Can you see the island?”

“Nah. Wha’ ’bout you?”

“No, not yet.”

“Hold me up!” Loogie protested. “I’ve got fantastic eyesight.”

Gordo snatched up the head and passed it to Gape. “What if you drop him?”

“I won’t.”

“He’d better not; I don’t fancy bouncin’
that
high.”

The barbarian gripped Loogie tightly by the hair and held him aloft.

“See anything?”

“That would be tough, meathead. You’ve turned me the wrong way. All I can see is forest.”

Gape sighed, then twisted his grip.

“Careful! Don’t get me too close to the propellers! I nearly lost my nose, then!”

Gordo rolled his eyes. “Stop whining and
look,
damn it!”

“Okay, okay! Yeah, I can see something—a dot, but it’s getting bigger.”

There was a lengthy pause.

“Well?” Gape prompted. “C’mon, my arm’s getting tired. I thought
he
said this thing was magical!”

“It is!” Loogie protested. “It’s a tree that flies; what more do you want?”

“I want a break …”

“Just keep going!” Loogie snapped. “The island’s straight ahead. It looks like Kazbrack to me; there’s a volcano on it.”

“Great,” Gordo muttered as Gape handed the head back to him. “We’ll aim for that, then. Shall we?”

“’Ere,” boomed Groan. “How d’ we turn this fing?”

A look of concern crossed Loogie’s features.

“Never mind that,” Gordo snapped. “How do we
land
it?”

The head grinned and said sheepishly: “I think you just stop pedaling …”

“We haven’t used this place for years,” General Crikey muttered, staring up at the three figures chained to the wall. “It used to be the hall of records, now it doubles up as a handy holding pen for, how shall we say,
distinguished guests.
”

Modeset smiled contentedly. “It should suffice.”

“Why am I up here, ma’am?” Bronwyn called across to Susti, who occupied a set of manacles on the opposite wall.

“You’re up there because you helped her to
deceive
us,” said Crikey. “By stuffing the princess’s bed with cushions, you made yourself a coconspirator. That’s how treachery works, isn’t it, lordship?”

Modeset nodded. “Exactly, General,” he said. “Though I think Pegrand should probably join them up there for releasing my own dog against me.”

“How is he?” Crikey asked, mock concern showing on his face.

“He’ll live,” Modeset assured him. “He was picked up by several of your finest at the main gate: superficial injuries.”

“Did they find the dog?”

“Unfortunately, yes. The
creature
is back in its cage.”

“Very good, lordship. The city is also secure, as per your instructions. No one can get in
or
out, and we’ve got guards all over the wall.”

“Superb, General: you’ve more than earned your stripes.”

Crikey bowed low and departed, leaving Modeset alone with his prisoners.

“Excellent,” the duke muttered. “A place for everyone, and everyone in their place. Now, people, let’s get some well-deserved rest, shall we?”

The fire demons of Kazbrack were a devoutly religious community of creatures that kept themselves to themselves and never ventured beyond the boarders of their own tiny island. They worshipped Incendous, the god of flames, who lived on Kazbrack in the form of a great volcano. Incendous was not a greedy god, but he did demand sacrifices on an irregular basis and—if these weren’t provided with swift abandon—he would literally blow his top. However, Incendous was not unkind: he slept peacefully much of the time, and when he did require a sacrifice or two, he always ensured that the ocean would provide them. This could take a number of days, but Incendous usually gave the demons plenty of time to prepare.

Today, however, Incendous was working in mysterious ways. Not only had he been grumbling steadily louder all morning, he had also decided to
fly
his sacrifices in on some sort of airborne workbench. Incendous, it seemed, was ravenous.