Shades of Love (Mad Jackals Brotherhood MC Book 3) (3 page)

She takes a look at herself in the mirror. The last few days have taken their toll on her. There are dark circles under her eyes that no amount of concealer will be able to hide. Under her caramel skin tone she’s pale like she’s seen a ghost, which probably wasn’t that strange. That was exactly what Ray was. She gives up on her face and pulls her unruly curly hair up into a no-nonsense ponytail hoping it will make her look a little more put together. Turning up at the shelter looking more out of sorts than the women she was supposed to be helping wasn’t a great plan.

Mia searches her pockets for some bobby pins to hold her hair in place, but she finds something far more valuable than hair accessories. She pulls out the weathered photograph that she’d picked up from her bedroom when she’d first walked in and seen what the Jackals had done to her home. Her mother’s face smiles out at her from the old photograph and her heart aches a little knowing how much she could use some maternal advice right around now.

When she’d told her father about Ray not being the man they thought he was, he hadn’t believed it. She’d told him that he’d lied to her, that he’d brought the Jackals to her door, literally. But he still insisted on championing Ray during his daily calls to check up on her. No one seemed to want to believe the worst of Ray, not her father, not Cassie. The only person who seemed happy with how things had turned out was Eli.

And Mia, herself, what does she think? After all, that’s what counts. It doesn’t matter what her father or her best friend or the goddam Pope thinks. All that matters is what she thinks of Ray, what she believes about him. She searches her reflection in the mirror, as if she might find some kind of answer there. But she doesn’t know what to think. Ray’s confession had painted him in a completely different light to the man she thought she knew. He is a killer. He’d shot a man in a fit of rage after realizing he had given his mother a fatal overdose and another woman had died by his hand. But it was an accident. He’d said himself that he’d never even punched a woman.

No matter how much she wants to believe the worst about Ray, she knows he’s not an evil man. One bad decision had changed the entire course of his life. But he’d gotten away from the Jackals, he’d tried to start over, he’d come to find her, he wanted to keep her safe. Surely those facts were worth something? Mia bites her lip as she thinks about the questions, the musings that just keep on going round and round in her head. But she keeps going back to the thoughts that stop her from sleeping. Where is Ray now? What is he doing? Is he okay? And does he miss her as much as she misses him?

Chapter Three

Ray doesn’t turn over the engine until he figures Mia is far enough away not to hear the telltale sound of his motorbike. It had taken all his strength not to walk right up to her as he saw her leaving the house, Eli’s house. But after the way they’d left things, he had figured that causing a scene on her ex’s front porch probably wasn’t the best way to go. Besides, Ray was fairly sure that she wouldn’t much appreciate the fact that he was following her, even if it were for her own good.

It hadn’t taken long to realize that she would have gone to Eli’s after what happened at her apartment. It also hadn’t taken long to realize that Eli would jump at the chance of having Mia back in his life. It was enough to make Ray wonder if Eli had more of a hand in what was going on than just the role he’d played in his mother’s death.

Since Mia’s apartment had been turned over and she’d all but kicked him out of her life, not that he could blame her, he had barely been able to sleep. With all the time on his hands he had thought more and more about what had happened that night.

Ray hangs back, making sure there are a couple of cars between his bike and Mia’s ancient sedan. All he needs to do is stay out of sight long enough to see her go into the shelter and then he could go. He’d been following the same pattern for the past couple of days, never letting Mia out of his sight when she was out and about.

He figured that she was safe at the shelter, although the security wasn’t exactly up to the standard of Fort Knox but the Jackals weren’t stupid enough to storm the place in the middle of the day. And, as much as he hated to admit it, Ray was fairly certain she was safe at Eli’s house, which just added fuel to the fire of his suspicion of his ex-friend. Mia’s apartment being turned into a crime scene had put her in a vulnerable position. She only had so many places to go. Eli had jumped in right when he was needed. Either he was the luckiest guy in the world or he had a hand in the Jackals finding Ray.

Just like it has on the last few mornings, Ray’s attention is drawn to the imposing building of his old high school. He hadn’t figured out yet why Mia always drives past it on her way to work every morning. There is any number of routes she can take that would avoid that place, something Ray would have made sure to do had he been her. The place had the uncanny ability of making him feel like he was still a rebellious teenager. He felt like the Principal might storm down the steps at any moment and demand to know why he wasn’t in class.

He shakes himself out of the past and follows Mia as the lights change. He doesn’t know how she passes that place every day, especially with all the memories it stirs up, memories of the two of them. Ray trains his focus on the rear window of Mia’s car, wishing for the hundredth time that he could talk to her.

Ray slows the bike, stopping before he rounds the corner into the shelter’s parking lot following Mia with his eyes as she gets out of the car, slamming the door harder than necessary. He knows that look on her face. He knows the way she moves. He can tell she’s angry about something. That’s not exactly breaking news; she had plenty to be angry about, most of it to do with him. He’d led the Jackals to her door, he’d lied to her about his past, let her believe that he was one of the good guys when really he was little better than the Jackals.

He feels a sudden pain in his hand and he looks down to see it clenched in a fist so tight his knuckles have turned white. He forces himself to try to relax, but all he wants to do is scream. He watches Mia grab her bag out of the car and head towards the door to the shelter’s security door with purposeful strides. His heart clenches inside his chest. He’s been watching Mia, looking out for her without her knowing, but he wants to do a whole lot more than just watch.

Ray feels like all his nerves are standing on end as he looks at her. She affects him in a way no woman has before, no woman has even come close. What he feels around her is raw, animalistic; it’s as unavoidable as gravity. He knows she feels it, too, or at least she did before he’d shared his darkness with her, the darkness that she’d been so desperate to get to the bottom of. But if he could just talk to her, if he could just explain everything. That ship has sailed, he thinks to himself. The time for talking has passed; it was going to take something more than words to show Mia that he wasn’t the monster she now thinks he is.

I’m not safe because of you…
You’ve done nothing more than lie to me since you came back. Was anything you said true?

He shakes his head, trying to get the image of the way she had looked at him out of his mind. She had been angry, yes, but it was worse than that. He had hurt her, more than she would ever admit. He had seen it in her eyes. Those big dark eyes like wells he could fall into had been filled with tears that night and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it. In fact, he was the cause of it. The last thing he had ever wanted to do was to hurt her, but that seemed to be one of the few things he was any good at. Perhaps she had been right to want him out of her life. Perhaps he
should
stay away from her.

Yeah right, fat chance, he thinks to himself. He knows that him staying away is just as likely as him deciding to stop breathing. That’s what Mia was to him: oxygen. It had been hell forcing himself to leave her alone for the past eight years. He’d snatched any opportunity he had to come back to town just to see her. He had been like a sick man dosing up on medicine. Every time he saw her he felt like a better version of himself. But every time he had to leave her it was like an addict going cold turkey. Leaving town got harder and harder, until he’d realized he couldn’t go on the way he was. He needed her. He still needs her.

Mia hesitates as she’s about to punch the code into the door, the code that it had only taken him about five seconds to figure out the first time he’d come here. She digs her hand inside her purse, searching for something. She pulls out her cell, wedges it between her ear and her shoulder and then, all of a sudden, she turns around and looks around the parking lot.

Ray mutters a curse and flattens himself against the wall, hoping she hasn’t caught the movement. He breathes hard, watching her as she looks out over the stationary cars. Then she looks right at him, or at least right at the corner he’s hiding behind. He waits a few beats before he risks taking a look at her again and he breathes a sigh of relief as he watches her key in the code and vanish into the building, the heavy steel door closing behind her.

Immediately he’s left wanting. As soon as she’s out of sight he has to resist the urge to go after her, to follow her inside and tell her all the things he should have said before, all the things she knew he needs her to say. But he knows he can’t, not yet. Right now there is something that he has to do.

Chapter Four

“Really, Dad, I’m fine. It was nothing, just a feeling.” Mia shakes her head as if her father can see her at the other end of the line.

“What do you mean? Did you see something? After everything that’s happened, you need to be careful.” Her father’s voice is getting increasingly panicked and Mia curses herself for having worried him. His doctors said he wasn’t supposed to undergo any undue strain, and his concern for her welfare definitely qualified.

“It was nothing, Dad. Just something I thought I saw, but there was nobody there. I guess I’m still a little on edge is all.” She shrugs down the phone, still struggling to get rid of the feeling that she was being watched. She doesn’t add that it wasn’t the first time she’d felt that way. Over the past couple of days she’d had the same sensation, as if there were someone over her shoulder, just out of sight. Her first reaction had been fear – it could be the Jackals. It was the one thing that Eli and Ray had agreed on: the bikers would come after her.

But that wasn’t what this had felt like. She didn’t get the sense that she was in danger. It was a prickling sensation at the back of her neck, a feeling of heat flashing through her. She pushes the thought out of her head. Whatever she thinks she felt, it was probably nothing, just her imagination playing tricks on her. Only having about five hours sleep in the past three days will have that effect. After all, only one person made her feel that way, but he would be long gone by now.

“Mia, do you promise me that you’ll call the police if you think you’re being watched again?” Her father’s voice brings Mia back into the present.

“I promise, Dad. Please don’t worry about me.” She had planned to ask her father about going to stay with him, but now that doesn’t seem like such a good idea. If she were to ask him it would just lead to a whole heap of other questions about Eli, about her and she wasn’t ready for those yet; even she didn’t know what the answers were.

“How can I not worry about you? You’re my baby girl, mi niña with her beautiful curls.” His voice is gentle and Mia smiles into the phone in spite of herself. No matter how old she got she knew her father would always see her as a little girl.

“I’m fine, Dad, really. I’m not a kid anymore, I can handle myself.” She lifts her chin, even though there’s no one to see her. If she wants anyone else to believe she’s capable of looking after herself, she needs to be the first.

She unlocks the door to her office and runs through her appointment diary, trying not to rush her father off of the phone. Since the incident, he’d been checking on her every day, and between him and Eli she wasn’t sure how many ‘I’m fines’ she had left in her.

“Well, all right, then.” Her father’s voice is gruff, hiding the emotion behind it. “I just couldn’t stand it if anything happened to you.”

Mia feels the frustration seep out of her at the fear in her father’s tone. “Nothing’s going to happen to me, Dad. I can’t let these guys scare me. I plan to continue living my life the way I always have done.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” The not so veiled disapproval in her father’s words makes her sit bolt upright in her chair. “Crap, I shouldn’t have said that,” he berates himself in a hushed tone.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She sounds snappier than she means to but he’s caught her on the back foot. Her dad sighs deeply and the silence stretches between them. “Dad?”

He sighs again, clearly not relishing the fact that his mouth has run away with him, something that doesn’t happen often to her stoic father. “I just mean maybe living your life the way you always have done isn’t the best thing for you.” His tone is gentle but that doesn’t stop his words from getting Mia’s back up. “The only time I’ve seen you happy, really happy is when you were with Ray. Trying to forget that he ever existed like you did when he left didn’t work. There was always something missing from your smile during those years, Mia. I don’t want to see you go back there.”

Mia is lost for words for a few moments but soon her anger overtakes her shock. “I can’t believe you’re saying this to me!” She barks a laugh that contains no humor. “Ray wasn’t who we thought he was, Dad. We’ve been through this – he’s done bad things, some seriously bad things.”

“And he told you about them.” Her father’s tone is gentle but firm; he was on a roll now and he wasn’t going to stop until he’d said all that he had to say. “Do you know how hard that must have been for him? To tell you what he’d done?”

“He told me because he had to; he didn’t have a choice, Dad! The jig was up when the Jackals trashed my apartment. He knew he couldn’t keep lying.” Mia is pacing around the room now, mad that her father would take Ray’s side; this isn’t how it’s supposed to work. He was supposed to hate Ray and tell her that she is well rid of him. Even if it weren’t true, that’s what he is supposed to say.

“You and I both know that’s not true, Mia. If you really believe that all Ray wanted was an easy out then he could have just walked away. You weren’t stopping him! But he didn’t – he stayed and told you everything, knowing it would make you hate him.”

“I don’t hate him, Dad.” The words are out of her mouth before she can stop them, but they also happen to be the truth. No matter how much Ray has hurt her, she can’t bring herself to really hate him or to wish that he’d never come back or that she’d ever met him. She couldn’t do any of those things because he is still the only man she’s ever really loved. “But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over what he did or the person he’s had to become. I can’t take another heartbreak like this one, not again.”

“We all think that way, Mia. But if you have to choose between another heartbreak or missing something for the rest of your life, what will it be?” Mia is at a loss for words. She and her father have always been close, but he has never been the type to go around dispensing relationship advice, at least he hadn’t been.

“Dad, where is all this coming from?” Mia looks out of the window, trying to figure out what’s got her father into this mood.

He sighs again deeply, as if he’s about to say something he doesn’t relish sharing. “I knew your mother was depressed, Mia.” She waits; this isn’t news to her after all. “There were so many times I thought I couldn’t deal with it anymore, that I couldn’t cope with it. Do you know what it’s like to see the person that you love turn themselves inside out and to not be able to do a damn thing about it?” She swallows hard at the emotion in her father’s voice. They had never really spoken like this about her mother’s illness, an illness that had driven her to drink and then to end things finally, violently. It wasn’t something that either of them liked to revisit. But her father was doing exactly that now, desperate to tell her something so she would listen. “It got so bad that I lost my temper. I told her I couldn’t go on living that way, that it wasn’t fair on me or on you. I’d decided to leave her, take you with me and just get the hell out. I never said anything to her, but she wasn’t a stupid woman, she must have known. A couple of days later you found her in the bath.” He stops abruptly and takes some ragged breaths, trying to get his emotions back into check.

“Dad, you don’t have to -,”

“Yes, Mia. Yes I do. This cautiousness that you’re so proud of, that’s my fault. You know you used to take risks when you were a kid. You used to want to be the one who jumped from the highest branch of the tree; you used to talk about seeing the world. But after your mother died, something changed and that was partly my fault. You felt like you couldn’t spread your wings. You didn’t want to leave me behind. You thought you had to look after me, to fill the hole that your mother had left. You always tried to be so responsible, mi niña, for everyone and everything. I’m sure that’s what makes you so good at what you do. But you’ve carried that responsibility long enough, Mia. It’s time for you to try to make yourself happy, not just other people.”

Mia tries to interrupt, to tell her father that isn’t the way that she feels but he doesn’t give her the chance to lie to him.

“After your mother died I wished that I could have one more day with her, to tell her that I would stand by her through anything, to tell her how much I loved her, to tell her that whatever her problems were that we would face them together.” Her father sighs heavily and she can almost hear him shaking his head in despair down the phone. “I didn’t get a chance to do that. You still do.”

“Dad -,”

“Ray may not be a Boy Scout, but I don’t believe that, ultimately, he’s not a good man. I don’t think you do either otherwise you would have told me to shut up a long time ago.” He chuckles lightly to himself.

“Shut up, Dad.” Her voice is flat but lacks any kind of conviction.

“Nice try, Mia. All I’m asking you to do is to think about what I’ve said. If you don’t have any love left in your heart for him then that’s one thing, but if you do, do you really want to spend the rest of you life wondering
what if
?” Mia hears the feeling in his voice, the need for her not to make the same mistake he had because it had cost him too much.

She blinks the tears back from her eyes. She can’t think about this, not now anyway, and there’s no way she’s going to come to some kind of a conclusion immediately.

“I’ve got an appointment now, Dad. I’ll call you later. Love you.” She ends the call, before he notices the tremble in her voice. But where did that leave her? What did that tell her about her feelings for Ray? Mia only wishes she knew.

Her phone buzzes, a message lighting up her screen. She heaves a sigh of frustration as she sees it’s from Eli.

Just checking in. How are you? Ex

Mia rolls her eyes – the man had seen her less than a half hour ago and he was already monitoring her. She felt like she was being smothered. But she knows if she ignores him, it will be even worse. She rattles off the only reply that she can muster, aware of the irony.

I’m fine.

Her mind is still reeling from what her father has told her. She can’t help but wonder if things would have been different if her mother might still be with them if they’d supported her more, if they’d helped her chase the demons away. But she can’t think like that; she can’t afford to. Her father was a good man, but he wasn’t saint – none of them were. That didn’t mean he was responsible for what happened to her mother.

So could she apply the same logic to Ray? Was he responsible for what he’d done or had he been put into an impossible situation? She pushes a stray curly hair out of her eyes. She looks out of her window, almost as if she’s expecting to see him. But he’s not there and she can’t help but wonder where he is and what he’s doing.