Shades of Atlantis (51 page)

The old woman came over quickly after her. I smiled at the cute little girl with rosy cheeks, her strawberry blond hair falling over her forehead and neck from under her hat.

Yes. Stick, I agreed, holding up the twig.

John muffled a snicker. The woman grabbed hold of the child’s hand, but the little girl resisted, trying to pull away.

I’m sorry, she’s just learned that word, and she’s telling everyone, the woman explained, barely hiding her pride at the child’s efforts.

I reassured her with a smile and turned back to the little girl. You’re very clever.

The girl beamed again, obviously thrilled to receive the reaction she wanted, and the woman smiled graciously before tugging the girl away toward the gate.

Thank you, I called after her, waving the twig in my hand. The little girl looked back over her shoulder still giggling. What I wouldn’t give to be that carefree, I thought.

Well? John pushed, watching me closely and holding my glove in his hand.

Someday, I murmured, lowering my eyes to my knees.

After a long minute, John stood up and started to pace in circles in front of me. I peeked up at him, keeping my head lowered. He was deep in thought; his expression was troubled as he slapped my glove lightly across his hand.

So you’re leaving? he asked, though it was more like a statement.

Yeah, tomorrow.

He stopped pacing and glanced down at me with resignation in his eyes.

Then he sat down again and took my hand, sighing. His eyebrows knitted and formed three small lines over his nose. If that’s what makes you happy. He paused, waiting, no doubt, for me to contradict him. A last ditch effort.

I scowled at him instead. Of course it would make me happy.

Okay, okay. I give up. His face eased. I’ll make a concerted effort to get over you. He held one hand up in a scout’s salute. Scout’s honor! I grimaced at him dubiously. Not that I didn’t think he could ever get over me. I just didn’t believe he really would try. He ran a finger over my cold cheek tenderly.

You are sensational, he sighed wistfully. But I know with enough time I can move on — I know I can.

I still wasn’t sure if he was trying to ease my conscience or convince himself. His eyes seemed far away and disturbed.

It’s the other things — His words trailed off, and his cheeks reddened.

I was stunned to realize he was ashamed. I had brought all this to his door, dragged him into a world of gods and monsters, and he was the one feeling ashamed. How ironic was that? I pushed off from the bench and laid my hands on his arms crossed over his chest. He stopped pacing to flash me a half smile, but it wasn’t authentic. I could see in his eyes he was struggling.

I had seen John be brave; he had faced Caleb, and he had followed me into the unknown. Yet, now he was here and he couldn’t find the words to tell me how he was feeling or what was haunting him.

John, talk to me, I pleaded.

John’s lips twitched nervously on one side, and he turned away from me.

His shoulders drooped miserably. This, what you see. It’s not real. There are things going on that you don’t know you don’t see — I winced. He was quoting my own words back to me. He paused to sigh, and I felt sick with the apprehension of where this conversation was leading us.

You were right. I don’t want to believe there are things like real magic out there. Gods walking the earth — monsters — His voice trailed off.

The last word struck me like a physical blow. He saw me rip the heart clean out of Lucien’s chest and hold it while its pulse faded and it died. How could he see me as anything more than a monster now? I knew that what I had done wasn’t the act of a monster I was simply trying to protect everyone, including him. But I had spent long enough feeling human, living the life of a human. I could imagine how it would have looked through his eyes.

I slumped back down to the bench with my head in my hands. You think I’m a monster, I whispered.

His hands were on mine quickly, easing them away from my face. John was hunched down on the ground in front of me, and he lifted my face so our eyes were level. I’d never seen anyone look so tortured.

No, no, he insisted. I know you’re not a monster. I saw what he was doing to you and what happened to Amanda.

I was intensely relieved to hear him say that. I smiled and shivered from the cold. John sat up on the seat beside me again, putting both his arms around me.

It’s the others the one who tried to kill Amanda. I didn’t think it necessary to correct John’s assertion that Zeal had only tried to kill Amanda.

He’s in my dreams. Every time I try to sleep, I see his menacing black eyes. I tightened my eyes quizzically. I thought Zeal’s eyes were gray. Maybe it was my superior eyesight or maybe it was John’s imagination overworking, making Zeal look even scarier than he was. I made an effort to bring my attention back to John, who was still talking.

I see total strangers and they seem to move quicker. They look different. They’re glaring at me, and when I look again, they’re gone — or they were never really there in the first place. He smiled wistfully and shook his head. I don’t know. I see them all — gods or monsters, they all terrify me. I embraced him tightly, resting my head under in his chin where I could feel the throbbing of his blood through his neck. I wouldn’t, couldn’t leave him like this. I have something I want to tell you. I sighed. My heart ached so much it was hard to breathe. I was at a crossroad again, and no matter what I did, one of us would be hurt, but I had to choose.

If I chose one way, I could keep John and be his friend, but he would suffer for it every day for the rest of his life, knowing things he wasn’t ready to know. The second way was to do nothing, walk away, and hope that one day he would accept everything he’d witnessed, everything he knew, hope that sometime in the distant future we could be friends. The last route was the one I didn’t want to take: I could do for John what Caleb couldn’t do for me. John could have a chance at a good life; he would have a chance to be happy. He could fall in love, marry, have children, and grow old without ever having to think about me, my family, and others of our kind in more than passing, if at all. He would be free. But it meant losing him forever. I could never hold him like this ever again.

I closed my eyes, feeling his lips kiss my forehead, urging me to continue, and listened to his voice.

Go on, what is it?

I let out a heavy, jagged breath in an attempt to compose myself and prepare myself for what I was about to do. My voice was low and trembling.

I want you to know the day we met it was Caleb I was running after. John pushed me away from him, looking shocked. His hands held my upper arms firmly. The glove that he had taken off was lying on the bench beside me, so I took it up and stuffed it in my pocket before removing the other one and doing the same.

Oh, I didn’t know it was him. I actually thought I was running after a stranger that looked like him. I was convinced that grief had finally made me lose my mind.

His grip loosened a little. I lifted one hand and laid my palm on his cheek; it felt warm against my cold hand, adrenalin still flushing his skin.

You — I took a breath. You gave me hope. I didn’t even know it at the time, but when I thought I just couldn’t go on, you smiled at me and made a silly joke. You made me remember, even if it was out of reach, that I wanted to love.

His eyes narrowed slowly, watching me closely, trying to understand.

Then he gave me a sad, resigned grin. I understand what you’re trying to say. It was your destiny to love Caleb and all that, but — what about me? I don’t understand a destiny that would bring us together if we weren’t ever meant to be. I can’t understand the cruelty of it.

To save Amanda, I answered without hesitation.

What?

I’ve been thinking about that too, and it was you that saved Amanda. I was just the catalyst. If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t have had the strength to try again. We never would have moved to the Stone where Ben and I needed to be. I smiled at him. You saved her, not me. That was your destiny. I pursed my lips for a moment to control the emotions simmering under my casual exterior. I will always be grateful to you. John brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers. The butterflies were gaining momentum in my stomach; the fear that what I was about to attempt wouldn’t work was building, and the foreboding of how it would feel for me if it did was growing exponentially.

I will always remember you. You will always have a place in my heart, I promised him truthfully. I stared at John for a long time until, finally feeling ready, I moved closer to him, tentatively inching my face nearer. He said nothing, but his disbelieving expression spoke volumes; he couldn’t take in what I was doing. Ignoring his reaction, I moved closer still, bringing my other hand up so it also rested on his jaw. His warm breath blew into my face, and I could hear his heart speeding up. My own was racing so fast it felt as if my chest could barely contain it. I touched my lips to his very lightly and then pulled back an inch or two to gauge his reaction. His eyes betrayed his confusion and, even more so, his overwhelming desire. His body stiffened. We came together, our lips gently moving over each other’s at first. Then as John’s body relaxed and twisted on the bench so our bodies were molding, his lips became more urgent, a lot more intense.

One hand moved behind my back, pulling me closer; the other knotted in the hair at the nape of my neck, holding me there to his passionate mouth, exploring mine and tasting me. His breathing was becoming more labored; he was committing everything about me to his memory, not that it would do him much good. I found myself doing the same, memorizing even the tiniest detail of the pressure of his lips, his smell, how the stubble on his face felt rough against my sensitive skin. I was getting lost in the emotions flowing through the movements of his body. My stomach lurched, and my body trembled; it wasn’t like the last time we kissed at all. I wanted to feel him. I wanted him closer. I wasn’t just testing myself to see if I could feel for him. I was feeling it. I moaned against his lips, making his kisses even more vigorous. His hands slid to my waist.

Behind my closed eyes, I was watching his memories, seeing what he saw that day in Tara, what he knew about Guardians, feeling his emotions pass through his body to me. I could feel John’s love for me. It was so pure it was breathtaking. I tasted the salt from the tears that overflowed my eyes and ran over my cheeks to our lips. I allowed other memories to flow between us.

This time I thought of a fleeting infatuation, the pleasant remembrance of a crush that ran its natural course and faded. Memories of a short overseas trip, sightseeing, and meeting up with friends. A friendship coming to a close without regret. These memories I planted in John’s consciousness. All the time moving my lips with his enthusiastically, savoring our last embrace and feeling relief that I could do this for him.

After today, I would never see John again. The memories I weaved for him were too delicate, too fragile, and his real memories would be too easily triggered by my presence. I wouldn’t risk him ever being around us again.

He, like most humans, wasn’t ready for the future the prophecy foretold yet.

Maybe in his lifetime they never would be. But I had time to wait.

John’s lips eased, his arms slackened from around my body, and our kiss became tender, softening until I eventually pushed him away. He looked dazed and disoriented and slumped back onto the bench like he had been spinning and couldn’t find his balance. Almost looking through me, he blinked several times. I waited, sitting back slightly away from him, and gradually his eyes became focused again, but his expression was easier. His eyes showed none of the anxiety they had been filled with moments ago.

My face still tingled where his stubble had grazed my skin, and I could still feel his passion, but now it was only coming from my memories. That memory for John was now hidden so deeply within him that with nothing to stimulate it; it would never surface again. Only I could bring it and the others back.

So, I guess this is goodbye. His voice was even and casual.

Yeah, I suppose it is. My voice broke, and I tried in vain to cover it. I really have to go now. I have lots to do. It was harder to leave than I ever considered it could possibly be.

Oh, right, he said brightly, standing up with me. I hope everything works out for you. If you’re ever around here again, get in touch.

I will, I lied. My voice sounded strange, like it was someone else talking, someone I didn’t know. My heart pumped hard and painfully. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and smiled halfheartedly. Bye, then, I muttered.

Bye, he answered without even a shadow of regret in his expression.

I turned and walked toward the gate, looking back over my shoulder to see John headed in the opposite direction, a relaxed smile on his lips. He waved once, and I shot my attention back to the street again, fresh tears overflowing my eyes as I walked away from him.

Hi, Caleb greeted me. I thought I’d find you here. Though he had interrupted my thoughts, he didn’t surprise me; I’d felt him there before he said a word. I kept my eyes closed and wiped a tear away from my cheek with my fist, hoping he’d think it was the breeze making my eyes water. If he noticed, he didn’t say.