Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (30 page)

Gonorrhea:
Señor Leaky

Syphilis:
The great imitator

Genital Herpes:
Love blisters

Chlamydia:
Princess Chlamydia of Drippinton Manor

Genital Warts (HPV):
Farmer Pete

Genital Lice:
Crabs

Hepatitis B:
Hep Cat

Female Stomach Parasite (FSP):
Bun in the oven

Sex as Work

When Blow Jobs Become a Blo-cupation

Though getting paid to have sex may sound like a dream gig, anything you do because it’s your job has a way of becoming a lot less fun. There are three main types of sex work, each with its own job description and perks. The dress code tends to be pretty lax.

Erotic “Dancing”

Though erotic dancers insist they’re “artists,” their performances are little more than group ogling set to music. Add some clothes to the choreography and you’ll see just how many art lovers stick around for the next song. To be fair,
strip shows
do possess a certain avant-garde quality given that they can happen anywhere: a table, a pole, a giant cake, the ever-changing contours of the human lap. Not even Shakespeare could have imagined that much of the world being a stage.

A
real cake
that size would have cost more than the stripper.

Prostitution

If you’re willing to go the extra mile for a little more cash, then you may want to try your hand, mouth, penis, vagina, or any other body part you’re willing to have violated at the sex-for-money racket. One of the few female-dominated industries, prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, which isn’t surprising considering every woman is born with a working storefront.

Like exotic “dancers,” some prostitutes sugarcoat their job descriptions by saying they provide “massages” or “bodywork.” This is absolutely correct. As far as customer satisfaction is concerned, prostitutes give some of the best, most relaxing massages known to man.

As a rule,
pimping
works out better for rides than it does for women.

But be advised: in many parts of the world prostitution is illegal, and hookers turn to
pimps
for protection, fur care tips, and unsolicited physical motivation. (Think of them as “broken-life coaches.”) In return, pimps receive a generous share of the profits, and if they’re true 2 da pimpin’ game, the remaining share of the profits. For this reason, prostitute retirement plans often rely on being a
hooker with a heart of gold,
meeting a wealthy businessman, and being whisked away to a life that doesn’t involve buying penicillin in bulk. Unfortunately, this seldom happens, as any hooker with a real golden heart would see it confiscated by her pimp and melted down into teeth and goblets.

FUCKTOID

In cities like Amsterdam and Las Vegas, prostitutes have formed their own trade unions, a movement that ironically means dealing with even more scabs.