Sexy Book of Sexy Sex (21 page)

YE OLDE CANDLE SHOPPE: Dip your wick in history as you help Lazarus the blind candlestick maker beef up his inventory. be careful with the hot wax... but not too careful!

H
ESTER’S
W
IG
P
ARLOR:
Look the part with an authentic colonial merkin. Our wigmakers will fashion a stylish powdered wig to conceal your modern muff.

G
ENITAL
S
TOCKADE:
In Plymouth Cock they don’t hand out scarlet letters. Get in trouble with the law and you’ll endure pubic humiliation with your private parts on display in the town square.

C
HIEF
H
UMPING
H
ORSE’S
S
URPRISE
A
TTACK:
Every hour on the hour, the horniest tribe this side of the Mississippi launches a savage panty raid on the colony. protect your britches, my lord!

THE LOST CITY OF SEXLANTIS

Your love will never be deeper than it is in Sexlantis, SandWhispers’ legendary underwater kingdom. There’s no better place to come out of your shell!

ORAL REEF: Explore the ins and outs of this fragile undersea habitat and give your special lady a pearl necklace.

SEAHORSEBACK RIDING: A classic romantic pastime with an underwater twist. Don’t be afraid to go bareback!

BLUE-LIGHT DISTRICT: Always wondered how mermen get it on? Enjoy a delicious seafood dinner while being educated by a mermaid sexcapade.

WHALE WATCH STRIPTEASE: Let your excitement and patience build as you remove one item of clothing with every sighting. it could be days!

STUDIO 69

Lights … camera … romance! The glitz and glamour of Tinseltown get a sexy makeover at SandWhispers’ very own movie studio. At Studio 69, your love is the star!

C
REAMWORKS:
Make a sex tape with high production values with the help of a real Hollywood crew. At Creamworks, the nudity is always tasteful.

S
EXY
D
OUBLE
D
ARE:
Shimmy through slime and tumble through tapioca as you and your lover compete in this erotic
update of the yuckiest game show on television. Your public displays of affection just got even grosser!

P
HIXAR:
Too shy to make a sex tape? jump into a pair of motion-capture suits and let Studio 69^js animators turn you into a naughty cartoon. Get ready to be rendered in 3-d: Dangerous, Doable, and Deviant.

W
ALK OF
F
AME:
Press your naked bodies into the wet cement and become part of Studio history. But watch out for paparazzi!

¡TOGA LOCO!

Latin meets Latin in Toga Loco, where hot-blooded Hispanic passion minglcs with the grandeur of Ancient Rome. It’s two sexy themes in one!

TROJAN PIÑATA: Strap on your blindfolds and get swinging … what’s inside will ambush you with sexiness!

CASA DEL BATH: Steam your cares away in a real Roman bath while being serenaded by a waterproof mariachi band.

E
MPEROR
F
ROG’S:
Rome is burning! Or is it that the picante sauce? Either way, two-for-one tequila shooters and a working vomitorium are a match made on Mount Olympus. All hail Emperor Frog!

*Sand Whispers is a traditional couples-only resort.

LEGEND

Coed Restrooms

Nude Court

Additional Porking

Sinformation Booth

The Mile High Club

Rex and Stacee boarded the plane sexily, their loins still aching from a lust-filled week at SandWhispers, the world’s premier adult fantasy resort. For the past seven days the newlyweds had experienced every sexual fantasy they could conceive of, and a few SandWhispers’ team of Love Engineers had invented especially for them. The aging stewardess greeted the lovers with a knowing smile. She saw a lot of oversexed couples limping their way back from SandWhispers with stars in their eyes and ice on their crotches. But something about these two was different. They must have
really
fucked each other’s brains out.

Rex regular-smiled back at the stewardess. As he made his way down the aisle, his eyes zeroed in on his bride’s shapely apple bottom. He wondered what kind of apple his love’s derriere most resembled and finally settled on Macoun. Firm yet juicy, and excellent in a salad. Rex felt his prick stiffen in his Jams, which he’d purchased for SandWhispers’ Sexy Eighties theme brunch. Of all the sex-meals they’d savored in the past week, it may have been Rex’s favorite. They never did find Stacee’s leg warmers.

Stacee opened the overhead compartment and hoisted up her suitcase. Rex saw his chance. He sidled up behind his bride and pressed his taut manhood into her pillowy rump.

“Rex!” Stacee scolded. “Put that thing away before you get Tasered by the air marshal!”

“Let him try,” Rex cooed. ‘I’ve got him outgunned.”

The lovebirds settled into their seats and Rex covered his Jams bulge with a SkyMall catalog. After seven days of submitting to their every carnal desire, the next four hours weren’t going to be easy. It added up to literally hundreds of miles of nonstop celibacy. As the stewardess went through the motions of the safety demonstration, Rex slid his hand under Stacee’s ample fanny.

“Didn’t you get enough this week?” Stacee giggled. “Or should I have given you two blow jobs when we were parasailing?”

“Sorry, baby, I can’t help myself. I saw you reaching up to adjust that little air nozzle and it made me think of what we did at SandWhispers’ Erotic Colonial Village.”

“You mean with the bellows?” Stacee grinned. “The ones we ‘borrowed’ from the blacksmith?”

“Yeah...” Rex could still feel the musty air tickling the tip of his erect penis, freshly drizzled with hot beeswax. Rex had read enough history to know SandWhispers had taken some license with their overtly sexual applications of colonial-era technology, but he wasn’t complaining.

“I can’t wait to use that scrimshaw vibrator we bought at the gift shop,” Stacee said, nervously patting the outside pocket of her carry-on. “Do you think we’ll have any trouble getting it through customs?”

“I doubt it. It’s not real whalebone.”

Finally the plane lifted off the runway. The couple watched as their sexual playground faded into the distance like the last spots of butterscotch on Rex and Stacee’s body sundaes. Now the only topping on Rex’s skin was beads of blue-ball sweat. He wasn’t going to make it. Somehow, his blood-starved brain hatched a plan.

“Hey Stacee, I’ve got an idea. We should go to the bathroom.”

“Good idea. Before the beverage cart blocks the aisle.”

“No,” Rex said, caressing her upper arm. “We should both go … together.”

“You mean … join the Mile High Club?!” Stacee’s face flushed. “You can’t be serious.”

“Serious as a fart attack,” Rex said, misremembering an expression he’d heard on TV. “I need you.”

Stacee’s heart raced. Was she really thinking about doing it in an airplane bathroom? It would be her riskiest sexcapade to date, even more daring than the time she masturbated in the dressing rooms at Gap, Banana Republic, and Old Navy all in the same day. Still, the idea intrigued her. “What if someone knocks on the door when we’re in there?” she asked, remembering a close call at Abercrombie.

Rex thought for a second. “I'll say you’re diabetic and I was giving you your shot. They need shots and shit, right?”

“What if they ask to see the needle?”

“Shit, you’re right.” Rex’s mind raced faster than the blood to his penis. “Ooh, I know! I could say I was holding your hair back while you puked.”

“You’re a genius.” Stacee grabbed her husband by the back of the neck and kissed him hard.

Without another word, Stacee got up and made her way to the bathroom. She stared straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with anyone for fear she’d already switched to her bedroom eyes. Stacee had nearly reached the restroom when a wobbly old Frenchman emerged. He held open the door and flashed an apologetic smile. “Thair ees no twalett papair een thair.”

Stacee was so focused on being inconspicuous that she answered without thinking. “That’s perfect, thank you.”

The Frenchman gave her a puzzled look and returned to his seat, glancing back at her the whole way.

Stacee was tempted to call the whole thing off. But then she saw Rex licking his lips, daring her to be a bad girl. It was maybe the hottest thing Stacee had ever seen. Emboldened, she took a deep breath and closed herself inside the bathroom.