Sexing the Cherry (11 page)

I tried to explain to her that the tree would still be female although it had not been born from seed, but she said such things had no gender and were a confusion to themselves.

'Let the world mate of its own accord,' she said, 'or not at all.'

But the cherry grew, and we have sexed it and it is female.

What I would like is to have some of Tradescant grafted on to me so that I could be a hero like him. He will flourish in any climate, pack his ships with precious things and be welcomed with full honours when the King is restored.

England is a land of heroes, every boy knows that.

I slipped away from our main ship soon after we had weighed anchor, to fetch water and make a tour of the islands. Tradescant never objected to these wanderings: he took it for granted that I would bring something back to justify my absence. And he knew I liked to be alone, a habit I have learned from my mother, who has always been alone.

As I rowed towards an inhospitable-looking rock it became clear to me that when I think about her, or dream about her, she is always huge and I am always tiny. I'm sitting on her hand, the way she holds her puppies, and picking at her face for something, I don't know what. She's laughing, and so am I.

She is like a mathematical equation, always there and impossible to disprove.

I think she may have been found herself, long before she found me. I imagine her on the bank, in a bottle. The bottle is cobalt blue with a wax stopper wrapped over a piece of rag. A woman coming by hears noises from the bottle, and taking her knife she cuts open the seal and my mother comes thickening out like a genie from a jar, growing bigger and bigger and finally solidifying into her own proportions. She grants the woman three wishes and throws the bottle out to sea, and now she has forgotten all that and sits with her dogs watching the tide.

Above me the gulls burst in white battalions, and ahead of me the tall rocks loom. To the north of this tiny island is a tract of sand where the sea cuts through like a tongue. I will pull up my boat at this deep divided shore and see what signs of life there are. Islands are metaphors for the heart, no matter what poet says otherwise.

My own heart, like this wild place, has never been visited, and I do not know whether it could sustain life.

In an effort to find out I am searching for a dancer who may or may not exist, though I was never conscious of beginning this journey. Only in the course of it have I realized its true aim. When I left England I thought I was running away. Running away from uncertainty and confusion but most of all running away from myself. I thought I might become someone else in time, grafted on to something better and stronger. And then I saw that the running away was a running towards. An effort to catch up with my fleet-footed self, living another life in a different way.

I gave chase in a ship, but others make the journey without moving at all. Whenever someone's eyes glaze over, you have lost them. They are as far from you as if their body were carried at the speed of light beyond the compass of the world.

Time has no meaning, space and place have no meaning, on this journey. All times can be inhabited, all places visited. In a single day the mind can make a millpond of the oceans. Some people who have never crossed the land they were born on have travelled all over the world. The journey is not linear, it is always back and forth, denying the calendar, the wrinkles and lines of the body. The self is not contained in any moment or any place, but it is only in the intersection of moment and place that the self might, for a moment, be seen vanishing through a door, which disappears at once.

THE FLAT EARTH THEORY

The earth is round and flat at the same time. This is obvious. That it is round appears indisputable; that it is flat is our common experience, also indisputable. The globe does not supersede the map; the map does not distort the globe.

Maps are magic. In the bottom corner are whales; at the top, cormorants carrying pop-eyed fish. In between is a subjective account of the lie of the land. Rough shapes of countries that may or may not exist, broken red lines marking paths that are at best hazardous, at worst already gone. Maps are constantly being re-made as knowledge appears to increase. But is knowledge increasing or is detail accumulating?

A map can tell me how to find a place I have not seen but have often imagined. When I get there, following the map faithfully, the place is not the place of my imagination. Maps, growing ever more real, are much less true.

And now, swarming over the earth with our tiny insect bodies and putting up flags and building houses, it seems that all the journeys are done.

Not so. Fold up the maps and put away the globe. If someone else had charted it, let them. Start another drawing with whales at the bottom and cormorants at the top, and in between identify, if you can, the places you have not found yet on those other maps, the connections obvious only to you. Round and flat, only a very little has been discovered.

HALLUCINATIONS AND DISEASES OF THE MIND

OBJECTS I: A woman looks into her bag and recognizes none of her belongings. She hurries home. But where is home? She follows the address written in her purse. She has never seen this house before and who are those ugly children wrecking the garden? Inside a fat man is waiting for his supper. She shoots him. At the trial she says she had never seen him before. He was her husband.

OBJECTS 2: A man visits a famous country house. He strays from the guided tour and finds himself in a quiet sitting room he knows to be his own. He finds his pipe and book on the footstool where he left them. He reaches into the walnut cabinet for a glass of port. He remembers how happy he used to be in this place and doesn't understand at all why he later appears in court and has to pay a large fine for making free with a National Interest. What puzzles him most is where his dogs were. Usually the beagles are by the fire.

TIME I: A young man on board an Admiralty salvage tug close to the mouth of the Thames goes on deck to look at the stars. His mates are asleep, the lifeboats firmly battened. A man stands next to him and says, *I have heard they are burying the King at Windsor. It is more than a hundred years since Henry was left to rot there beneath a purple pall. Jane Seymour is beside him. No monarch has been buried there since. There is room for Charles, a little room.'

The young man turns astonished; he knows of no King, only a Queen, who is far from being dead. He opens his mouth to protest the joke and finds he is face to face with John Tradescant. Above them the sails whip in the wind.

TIME 2: They are cat-calling the girl as she comes out of school. She hates them, she wants to kill them. They tell her she smells, that she's too fat, too tall. She walks home along the river bank to a council flat in Upper Thames Street. The traffic deafens her. She climbs up the steps at Waterloo Bridge to look at St Paul's glinting in the evening. She can't see St Paul's. All she can see are rows of wooden stakes and uncertain craft bobbing along the water. She can't hear the traffic any more, the roar of dogs is deafening. Coming to herself, she kicks the bunch of hounds and drags her blanket shawl closer to her. For a moment she felt dizzy, lost her balance, but no, she's home as always. She can see her hut. She laughs, and the wind blows through the gaps in her teeth. Jordan will be waiting for her. She doesn't have to see him to know he's there.

LIES 1: There is only the present and nothing to remember.

LIES 2: Time is a straight line.

LIES 3: The difference between the past and the future is that one has happened while the other has not.

LIES 4: We can only be in one place at a time.

LIES 5: Any proposition that contains the word 'finite' (the world, the universe, experience, ourselves...)

LIES 6: Reality as something which can be agreed upon.

LIES 7: Reality as truth.

Safe, sound and protected. That's how I wanted Jordan to be. When he left me I was proud and broken-hearted, but he came from the water and I knew the water would claim him again.

I carried on my old ways for a while, breeding the dogs and traipsing down to Hyde Park to show them off in a fight. The Puritans wanted an end to that too; they had in mind that a park should be a place to walk about, not a place to have an adventure and make a living. I have a mind to think that people can walk about anywhere, it's the other distractions they crave, even more so now that the death of the King has put an end to the future as a place we already know. Now the future is wild and waits for us as a beast in a lair.

I resolved for Jordan's sake, and Tradescant's, and the memory of the King, to spit on the Puritans whenever I passed them and to wear in my hair bright braids of clashing colour whenever I had occasion to be near one of their churches. Many of them have set upon me for my insolence, and most of those are dead. Out of charity, such as I am famed for, I left one or two to be crippled.

One night as I was leaving Hyde Park, sawdust covering me as though I were a cow hung for meat, a man stepped out of the shadows and called me 'madam'. I have always been at the mercy of good manners, and so I listened politely, my head on one side, and agreed to go with him to a meeting house. He said it concerned the liberty of us all.

The meeting house, in a filthy inn off Blackfriar's fields, was already full when I arrived with my dogs. I had a barrel of water off them to revive the most bruised and bleeding, and then I sat quiet while a man in the cloth of Jesus led us in prayer and then asked us to consider two passages of the Old Testament.

He said Thou shalt not kill' is a tenet of our faith, but we should too be aware of another part of the Law of Moses: 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'.

I have long been interested in these contradictions and looked forward to a full rendering of their meaning. The preacher went on to say that for us, as Royalists, avenging the King's murder was a matter of urgency, and yet we could not break the Holy Law.

I blushed here, having broken it many times.

Then you must go in secret and quiet, and gouge out your enemies' eyes when you see them, and deprive them of their teeth if they have them. This fulfils the Law of God.'

I was very taken with this rendering, and could only wonder how it had not come to me voluntarily before now. It is a thing to have learning and so be able to interpret the Scriptures.

We agreed to meet at the full and new moons to encourage one another, as the disciples of old.

I had only a little way to walk home, and hardly expected to find such an early opportunity to exercise my calling. Hearing a horse behind me I moved to one side, but not soon enough to escape the touch of a whip. I turned in a fury and saw it to be a pock-marked, leather-faced, drab-witted ancient, got up in grey with a flat lace collar too big for modesty. I pulled him from his horse and popped his eyeballs with my thumbs, and then, forcing open his jaw as I would to get a chicken bone out of a dog, I loosened his teeth with my heel and soon had them mostly out and wrapped up in his own handkerchief.

By the time of the full moon I had done gallantly, I thought, and went to the meeting to hear stories of injury and revenge. I was suspicious to see that no one had brought any trophy of their right-doings, and so, as an encouragement, I tipped my sack of takings over the floor. I had 119 eyeballs, one missing on account of a man who had lost one already, and over 2,000 teeth.

A number of those in the room fainted immediately, and the preacher asked me to be less zealous in the next fortnight or, if I could not be, at least to leave my sack at home.

I was hurt by this; he had put no quota on our heads, and it seemed to me that my zeal had only made up for the sloth of others.

I did not stay for refreshments. I set off alone and fed the eyeballs to my dogs and used the teeth as drainage for my watercress bed. I had decided to continue my sabotage alone when I was approached again by the whore from Spitalfields whom I hadn't seen for seven years. She was older and less beautiful but her figure still showed the discipline of her trade. She seemed nervous and I wondered what it was she wanted from me.

It came to pass that she and her sisters, as she called them, had taken to murdering those Puritans who visited their brothel. Over this they had no difficulty - what troubled them was the disposal of the bodies. They would not trust a man to help, and already the bodies were so thick in the cellar that she feared an outbreak of the plague. Would I help? I was strong enough.

I had been lonely enough since Jordan had left, finding little in the way of companionship. Men and women seem sly-mouthed to me, and when they rub up against you purring friendship it is often a different thing they have in mind, something to their own advantage. I have been hurt before with my ready heart and I am wary now of blandishments and easy tongues.

I made up my mind to help her because of her straightforwardness and because bodies mean nothing to me, dead or alive. I would cry for my dogs and my boy but the rest may vanish as they please.