Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (54 page)

[34] She collects the man’s discarded, worn-out clothes, both many-coloured and pure white, and gives them as a favour to servants who have done good work, and as gifts that bestow honour, or she uses them for something else. [35]

She sees to the stocking and use of pots of wines and liquors, and to selling and buying them, and she keeps track of the income and expenditure from them.

[36] She welcomes and honours the man’s friends in the proper way, with gifts of garlands, scented oils, and betel. [37] She serves her father-in-law and mother-in-law, remaining dependent on them; she does not answer back to them, but makes brief, never harsh conversation, not laughing too loud, and treats those who are dear and not dear to them as if they were dear and not dear to her.

[38] She is moderate in her enjoyments. [39] She is considerate to servants, [40]

but never gives anything to anyone without telling the man. [41] She instructs each servant in the limits of his own work and honours him on festival days.

That is the life of an only wife. [42] When he is away on a journey, she wears only jewellery that has religious meaning and power, devotes herself to fasts dedicated to the gods, waits for news, and manages the household. [43] She sleeps at the feet of older relatives and their people, and accomplishes her tasks with their approval. She goes to great pains to acquire and look after things that the man wants. [44] She spends the usual amount on undertakings for daily tasks and special occasions. She also sets her mind on accomplishing those 252

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undertakings that he has begun. [45] She does not go to the family of her own relatives except on occasions of disaster or celebration. And even there she is chaperoned by the man’s servants, she does not stay too long, and she does not change out of the clothing that she wears when the man is absent. [46] She fasts with the permission of older relatives. She increases capital and decreases expenditures as much as possible, by authorizing buying and selling to be accomplished by incorruptible servants carrying out orders. [47] When he returns, she appears to him first in her ordinary clothes, and she honours the gods and brings gifts. That is her life during his absence. [48] And there are two verses about this:

An only wife who wishes for her man’s welfare adapts herself to his behaviour,

whether she is a woman of good family,

a second-hand woman, or even a courtesan.

Women of good behaviour

achieve the goals of religion, power, and pleasure, a firm position, and

a husband without a co-wife.

[4.2.1] If his wife is frigid or promiscuous or unlucky in love, or if she con-tinually fails to bear a child or gives birth only to daughters, or if the man is fickle, he supplants her with a co-wife. [2] Therefore, from the very start, a woman tries to avoid this by making known her devotion, good character, and cleverness. And if she does not have children, she herself is the one to urge him to take a co-wife. [3] And when she is being supplanted, by applying all her powers she establishes her own position as higher.

[4] She looks upon the newly arrived woman as a sister. Making an extraordinary effort, she helps her dress and make herself up in the evening, and she makes sure that the man knows about this. She pays no attention if the other woman becomes hostile or haughty as a result of her luck in love. [5] She disregards it if the other woman makes a mistake with her husband. Then, if she thinks, “This is a mistake that she herself will also mend,” she advises her carefully about it. [6] But she reveals further particulars about it to the man, privately. [7] She treats the other woman’s children in no special way, treats her servants with great sympathy and her girlfriends with affection. She does not care too much for her own relatives, and makes an extra fuss over the other woman’s relatives. [8] But if she is supplanted by many co-wives, she allies herself with the one just below her. [9] She provokes quarrels between the woman whom the man wishes to promote to the favourite and the woman who used to be lucky in love, [10] a woman for whom she then shows sympathy. [11]

By uniting the other co-wives, without actually getting into the argument herself she maligns the one he wants to promote to the favourite. [12] But she encour-Hinduism 253

ages the other woman to quarrel with the man, egging her on by taking her side. [13] And she makes the quarrel grow. [14] Or, if she notes that the quarrel is dying down, she herself fans the flames. [15] But if she realizes, “The man even now inclines to her,” then she herself makes peace between them. That is the life of the senior wife.

[16] The junior wife, however, regards her co-wife like a mother. [17] She does not even give anything to her relatives without the other woman’s knowledge. [18] She reports her own experiences to her. [19] With her permission, she sleeps with the husband. [20] She never reports to any other woman what the other woman says. [21] She has more regard for the other woman’s children than for her own. [22] But privately, she serves the husband more. [23] And she does not tell him how she herself suffers from the hostility of the co-wives. [24]

She tries to get some special secret token of her husband’s esteem, [25] and she says, “I will live on this, as if it were food to last me on a journey.” [26] But she never talks in public about that, either in boast or in passion, [27] for a woman who betrays a secret wins her husband’s loathing. [28] Gonardiya says, “Out of fear of the senior wife, she seeks only a secret love-token.” [29] If the senior wife is unlucky in love and has no children, the junior wife pities her and urges the man to pity her. [30] But if the junior wife is able to dislodge the senior wife, she assumes the role of the only wife. That is the life of the junior wife.

[31] A second-hand woman, however, is a widow who is tormented by the weakness of the senses and so finds, again, a man who enjoys life and is well endowed with good qualities. [32] But the followers of Babhravya say, “Since she may at will go away again from him too, thinking, ‘He is
not
well endowed with good qualities,’ she will then want yet another man.” [33] It is in search of physical pleasure that she tries, again, to find yet another man. [34] Gonardiya says, “Complete pleasure comes from men’s endowments and capacity for enjoyments; therefore one man differs from another.” [35] Vatsya¯yana says: It is because his mind is compatible with hers. [36] With her relatives, she gets the man to provide sufficient funds to cover the cost of such things as drinking parties, picnics, faith offerings, and gifts to honour friends. [37] Or she may pay for his jewellery and her own out of her own capital. [38] There is no rule about love-gifts. [39] If she leaves the man of her own accord, she gives back everything he has given her except for his love-gifts. But if he throws her out, she does not give anything back. [40] She takes over his house as if she were the woman in charge, [41] but she acts with affection to women of good families, [42] with consideration to the servants, always joking, and with great respect for his friends. In the arts, she has skill and greater knowledge. [43]When there are occasions for a quarrel, she herself scolds the man. [44] She practises the sixty-four arts of love in private. And she herself does favours for the co-wives. She gives jewellery to their children and makes little ornaments for them, and clothing, with care, but she expects those children to serve her as if she were their master. She gives even more things to his entourage and his crowd of friends.

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And she is always in the mood for company, for drinking parties, picnics, festivals, and amusements. That is the life of the second-hand woman.

[45] But a woman who is unlucky in love and oppressed by rivalry with her co-wives seeks support from the wife who seems to be chosen most often by their husband. She shows that chosen wife the knowledge of the arts that can be revealed. Because she is unlucky in love, she has no secrets. [46] She performs the functions of a nurse for the man’s children. [47] She wins over his friends and then gets them to tell him about her devotion to him. [48] She leads the way in religious duties and in vows and fasts. She is considerate to the servants and has no more regard for herself than for them. [50] In bed, she requites the man’s passion in a way that suits him. [51] She does not scold him or show him any contrariness. [52] She restores his desire for any woman with whom he may have quarrelled. [53] If he desires some woman who must remain concealed, she brings the other woman to him and hides her. [54] She takes pains to make the man regard her as a chaste and undeceiving wife. That is the life of the wife unlucky in love.

[55] The life of the women of the harem, too, can be surmised from the preceding sections. [56] The woman chamberlain or bodyguard brings their garlands, scented oils, and clothes to the king, saying, “The queens have sent these.” [57] The king takes these and gives them back to the queens as a gift, like the leftover of a deity. [58] In the afternoon, he goes, carefully dressed, to see, all together, all the women of the harem, who are also well dressed. [59]

He chats and jokes with them, giving to each one the place and honour due to the time she has served in the harem and her worth. [60] Immediately after that, he sees, in exactly the same way, the second-hand women, [61] and then the courtesans and the dancing girls who belong to the harem. [62] Their places are in the inner rooms assigned to them.

[63] Now, when the king arises from his afternoon siesta, the women attendants who keep track of the roster come to him followed by the servants of the woman whose turn it is to spend the night with the king, of the woman who has been passed over on her night, and of the woman who is in her fertile season.

And they present the king with scented oils, each marked with the stamp of the woman’s seal ring, and tell him whose turn it is to sleep with him that night and who is in her fertile season. [64] Whichever one among these oils the king takes, he announces that the woman who owns it will sleep with him that night.

[65] At festivals, and at concerts and plays, all of the women of the harem are appropriately honoured and served with drinks. [66] They do not go out, nor do women from outside enter, except for those whose purity is well known.

And so the work is carried out undisturbed. Those are the women of the harem.

[67] And there are verses about this:

But a man who has collected many wives

must treat them equally.

He should not treat them with contempt,

nor put up with their deceptions.

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[68] Whatever sort of love-play one woman favours, or whatever peculiarity her body may have,

or whatever reproach she lets slip in pillow talk— he must not tell that to the other women.

[69] He should never give women their head

in a cause against a co-wife,

and if one woman begins to slander another in this way, he should charge her herself with those faults.

[70] He should keep his women happy,

one by confiding in her privately,

another by honouring her in public,

yet another with gifts as tokens of his esteem.

[71] He should enchant each one individually, with picnics, luxuries, gifts,

honours to her family, and with

the pleasures of love in bed.

[72] A young woman who controls her temper

and behaves according to the textbook

puts her husband in her power

and lords it over her co-wives.

[Vatsya¯yana Mallana¯ga, Ka¯masu¯tra 4.1–2, On Husbands, Wives, and Lovers, in
Kamasutra,
trans. Wendy Doniger and Sudhir Kakar (New York: Oxford University Press, 2002), pp. 94–103]

DIVINE MARRIAGE: SÍVA AND PA¯ RVATI¯

From the
Rig Veda
forward, Hindu tradition has seen a close connection between divine and human marriage. The marriages of Vis.nu and Laks.mı¯, Ra¯ma and Sı¯ta¯, and Síva and Pa¯rvatı¯ are well known. In many versions of the story, as the archetypal ascetic, Síva was not inclined to marriage and the life of the household. He much preferred his hermitage in the Himalayas. It was only after some strenuous persuasion by the gods and Pa¯rvatı¯’s own capacity for asceticism as rigorous as his own did Síva reluctantly at first and then wholeheartedly embrace Pa¯rvatı¯ and the idea of marriage. In this version, upon learning that his first wife Satı¯, who immolated her body in his defense when her father insulted Síva, had been reborn as Pa¯rvatı¯, he dispatched the sages to find her and ask her father for her hand in marriage. This is a reversal of the usual marriage pattern on the human level where it is the bride’s family that initiates the search for a marriage partner. This delightful telling of the story of the marriage of Síva and Pa¯rvatı¯ is from the
Va¯mana Pura¯na
(ca. 900–1100 ce), chapters 26–27 (condensed), reflecting a devotional perspective toward these deities. Síva is also called Rudra, Sárva, Sán˙kara, Sámbhu and Hara; Pa¯rvatı¯ is also called Ka¯la¯ and U

¯ ma¯.

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Document 4–5

v a

¯ m a n a p u r a

¯ n a , t h e b e t r o t h a l a n d w e d d i n g o f s

í v a a n d p a

¯ r v a

¯ t i

Rudra, pleased to be so honored by the mountain, called to mind the great seers and Arundhatı¯ [wife of the sage, Vasis.t.ha]. Upon this call of the great-souled Sán˙kara, these seers gathered on mighty Mt. Mandara with its lovely caverns. When the god who destroyed Tripura saw them coming, he rose to greet them, and honoring them, said this, “This fine mountain, worthy of honor and praise by the gods, is most fortunate to be released from evil by the touch of your lotus feet! Please stay here on the mountain, on the wide and beautiful flat plateau whose lotus colored rocks are soft and smooth!” Thus addressed by the god Sán˙kara, the great sages, along with Arundhatı¯, sat down on the table.

When the sages were seated, Nandin, leader of the
gan
.
as
[attendants] of the god, greeted them with
arghya
[offering of water to a guest] and other offerings and stood before them with his mind intent on devotion. Then the lord of the gods, for the increase of his own glory, spoke righteous and beneficent words to the gods and to the seven seers who were full of self-control.