Sex Made Easy (36 page)

A very small percentage of people are into what's called “feederism,” which is a sexual preference that involves sexual arousal or gratification from the process of gaining body fat. There are feeders (the person who wants their partner to gain weight) and feedees (also called gainers, the individual who gains weight to sexually turn on or please their partner). This is an aspect of human sexuality that is not well understood and hasn't been studied much. However, some sex therapists I know are concerned that feederism involves—at least in some cases—people manipulating others into doing something (sometimes gaining a very large amount of weight) that may be physically unhealthy for them, and that this may be done in an emotionally abusive way. Of course, that doesn't mean it's never done in a consensual and healthy way; it's certainly the case that the people sex therapists see are often individuals who feel troubled by their sex lives rather than people who feel healthy and happy about the way they experience their sex lives.

My take is this: if your partner wants you to do something for your sex life that you don't feel good about, don't do it. If a sexual partner asks you to do something that feels risky or unhealthy, or you have questions about it, talk with your health care provider or a counselor. Sometimes people pressure their sexual partners to gain weight, lose weight, start smoking, or have sex with people they don't know well. If you're feeling pressured, manipulated, or coerced into doing something that you don't feel comfortable with, seek help from a friend, counselor, therapist, or another trusted person.

All that said, if your sexual practices feel “outside the norm” but you enjoy and feel good about them, that, too, can be healthy. It can feel good to know that one's sex life is what one wants—even if (and sometimes especially if) it's unconventional.

Some people don't want to be seen at a sex club and go to great lengths to avoid it, such as only going to sex clubs when they travel away from
home. Others go to local sex spaces and aren't concerned about seeing friends, coworkers, or neighbors. There are many ways to look at the issue of running into others.

You might decide that it's OK. Even if you're embarrassed to have been seen at a sex club, the fact is that you saw this other person there too. You're in the same boat. Nod your head, say hi, and move on.

On the plus side, if you've long found this other person attractive, you've now perhaps had the chance to see them in fewer clothes or even naked. Not a bad night! Maybe you'll even get a chance to be sexual together, now that you both know that the other one is into sexual exploration within a sex club environment. Once you're outside the club, keep your acquaintance's confidence. It's not anyone else's business whom you saw here. If you're worried about that person sharing your private information with others, ask him or her to please keep your whereabouts between the two of you.

Finally, if you feel very anxious about people knowing you're at a sex club, it might be the case that going to a sex club is not for you. Some politicians would have perhaps been better off if they had made different sexual choices. If your relationship or job would be in serious jeopardy if people learned you were at a sex club, you may want to spend time thinking about whether there are ways to explore your sexual desires in a more private way, such as at a sex club that's known for greater confidentiality. (Clubs vary greatly in this regard; some can be attended by anyone who walks in and pays a fee, whereas others require an application, essay writing, photos, an interview, and possibly a probationary period. Choose wisely.)

Again, your choices will in part be guided by how you feel about the possibility of your tape ever accidentally finding its way into the public. If the idea absolutely terrifies you, either don't make a sex tape or film it on your camera, watch it together right after making it, and then delete it immediately.

If you and your partner aren't as worried about the tape ever being
made public, then you may feel comfortable taking more chances. You may feel comfortable shooting the video in a way that shows your faces. You may also feel comfortable with the idea that both you and your partner get to keep a copy of your homemade sex tape. You may even like the idea of uploading it to an amateur porn site and sharing it with the world. Only do this if you both are in 100 percent agreement that you want to do this, if you are certain that uploading your video to a site is in compliance with relevant laws, and if you are both sober when making this decision.

A few final tips: Watching oneself on film is significantly different from having sex in the moment. Try to choose light that is flattering enough for the both of you and still bright enough for taping. Some people film using a tripod, whereas others prefer to pass the camera back and forth between each other, taking turns at being the “director.”

S
ex can feel challenging enough all on its own, yet it doesn't exist in a vacuum. Sex is one part of a larger experience of life that may include pets, children, a person's career, health issues, pregnancies, and roommates or neighbors with whom we share space. A person's sex life is never just about sex; it's a balancing act. Just when you think you have one part down (for example, getting your desire back after a dry spell), it may be that your partner gets sick, throwing everything out of whack again. Or maybe you adopt a puppy whose needs for early-morning walks spell the end of your morning sex. It happens. And here in this chapter, you'll find tips to help you to navigate these tricky intersections of sex, life, and love.

I
t's good to be a “thinking” person—but this isn't always the case during sex. Many women and men could benefit from learning to relax, let go, and enjoy the emotional and physical experiences of sex. Decades ago, pioneering sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson theorized that “spectatoring”—a process that involves people observing themselves from a third-party perspective—plays a part in people's sexual difficulties. This is the idea that, instead of surrendering himself to pleasure, a man may think to himself
“Come on, last longer, last longer, you can do it”
or a woman
may think to herself
“Ugh, why can't I have an orgasm? Why is this so difficult for me?”

Spectatoring interrupts many people's sexual experiences with worries and criticisms. A 2006 study published in the
Journal of Sex Research
found that women were more prone to these types of cognitive distractions (science-speak for the thoughts we'd all love to make go away sometimes) than men.
¹
In particular, we women seem more vulnerable to worrying about how our bodies look while we're having sex, though certainly some men are vulnerable to body image concerns too. When I first started teaching human sexuality classes to college students, I was struck by how many college-aged men would say that they preferred to have sex in the missionary position because they felt it made their chest and arms look stronger.

Thoughts that distract people during sex can come in many forms. They can be the spectatoring kind that are about a person's performance. The 2006 study just mentioned found that women and men are similarly prone to experiencing distracting thoughts related to performance; men often worry about their erections and lasting longer. Women often worry about orgasms.

But performance and body image aren't the only types of thoughts or worries that creep into the minds of women and men during sex. Perhaps, like many people, you have been in the middle of having sex when suddenly a thought pops into your mind and you

• Wonder if you turned the stove off

• Think about laundry that needs to get done

• Remember that you have an exam to take or a presentation due the next day

• Think how your wedding is weeks away and you still don't have all the RSVPs returned to you

• Are distracted by your dog's stares or your cat scratching at the door

• Try to remember if you missed any birth control pills lately

• Wonder if you locked the bedroom door, in case your child gets up and wanders in

• Wonder if the condom is still on

• Hope that this time you will be able to become pregnant

I've been in several of these situations; most of us have. As much as many of us would love to throw caution to the wind and enjoy sex, worrying about “life” and its many details is common. In a recent study, published in 2011 in
Archives of Sexual Behavior
, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that many people worried about their STI risk when they had sex (men more so than women).
²
They also found that heterosexual women and gay men more often worried about their bodies and appearance during sex. Even more so than heterosexual women, lesbian women tended to focus on their physical performance (such as whether they were satisfying their partner or whether their partner was having an orgasm).

Some research has found that mindfulness techniques can help enhance women's arousal and orgasm.
^3
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4
They can certainly help people to focus on living in the present. If you find yourself prone to cognitive distractions (whether about performance, body image, laundry, or anything else), try to breathe deeply during sex and redirect your thoughts to how it feels to touch your partner, breathe in the scent of his or her skin and hair, or feel the sheets against your skin. There may also be steps you can take to have a more relaxing experience of sex. Before heading to bed, you might go through your to-do list to see if you've checked off the most important tasks. And if you're headed out on a date that might include sex, be sure to pack condoms, lubricant, and anything else that will create a safer, more enjoyable space for pleasure.

T
hinking distracting thoughts isn't the only possible sex interruption. Health problems can change the way an individual or a coupleexperiences sex too. Most of us will experience significant health issues at one time or another. And if it doesn't happen to us, something serious enough to impact sex may happen to our partner (which ultimately affects both partners).

A number of health issues can affect a person's sex life including diabetes, heart problems, cancer and cancer treatments, a sprained or broken knee, having hip replacement surgery, and so on. Sex can even be impacted by allergies, a bad cold, a week spent with the flu, or a case of bronchitis or pneumonia.

If you're experiencing an ongoing or difficult health issue, please talk with your health care provider for an accurate diagnosis, treatment options, and steps to take to improve your quality of life—as well as information about managing your sex life. Try to think about your health in big-picture terms. If your health issue (for example, knee pain) gets in the way of your ability to get a good night's sleep, then part of the way to improve your sex life will start with asking your health care provider what you can do to manage your knee pain in a way that also allows you to experience restful sleep. After all, if you're in pain or grumpy from bad sleep, you probably won't be in the best position to create great sex. Once you get issues like pain and sleep under control, then you can turn your attention to more specific sex issues, such as asking your health care provider or physical therapist about sex positions that might work particularly well for people who have knee problems like yours.