Seven Deadly Samovars (24 page)

Dear Straight Sis,

I think both of you should give your friend a break and stop using him as a ping-pong ball. This is clearly about your brother stealing your dolls when you were six years old. Get over it. No matter who wins this tug of war, no meaningful relationship can come of it.”

—G.
O.D.

“Right on. Makes me glad that you and I only fought over lovers of one gender.”

By the time Godiva finished her work, Goldie had jotted a whole list on the pad. She glanced at her watch. “I guess the TV crew will be here soon for the interview. Should we just stay out of their way?”

Godiva put on a sexy pout. “They might want to ask us a few questions, so let’s hang out in the kitchen in case they need us. Besides, you never know what we’ll find in there to munch on.”

A few minutes later Flossie, Sterling and Waldo waltzed into the living room, ready to meet the press. Waldo was growling something that sounded like
teeeveee
as he pranced around showing off his new red bow. He smelled like lavender. Flossie’s newly rinsed and styled hair glistened with a tinge of light blue, which contrasted with her black eye and bruised cheek. Sterling carried a large bouquet of his roses in a plastic vase. His head looked a little lopsided with the red goose egg showing through his thinning hair.

Goldie was glad she suggested that they bow out and let the oldsters enjoy the notoriety. Sterling puffed out his chest and struck a Rambo-like
pose, “Do I look tough enough, girls? Guess they’re going to call us the senior swat team or something like that for this interview.” Waldo licked Sterling’s hand and snuffled
heeerrrrooos
as his tail wagged furiously.

Sterling held out the bouquet. “These roses are for Margery McGonicle. I figure if I give the woman flowers, it’ll soften her up. My boyfriend Leonardo does lots of TV interviews, says it works every time.”

“I’m sure she’ll love them Unk.” Goldie cupped a particularly beautiful bright red one and inhaled its perfume. “We’ll be in the kitchen if you need us.”

Fifteen minutes later the elegant living room was flooded with the news crew, acting like they owned the place. While the perfectly coiffed and powdered Margery interviewed Flossie and Sterling, and even Waldo when it sounded like he was trying to say something, the twins nibbled on the delicious cinnamon apple coffeecake that Martina whipped up that afternoon. They definitely didn’t count the calories. Although Godiva had freshened her make up, just in case, the reporter’s story was strictly about Flossie and Sterling. Not once were they asked to join the group.

After the short interview, Flossie and Sterling poked their heads into the kitchen. They were still on a high, but it was obvious their energy was ebbing.

“Well, it’s over,” Sterling said. “It took them way longer to set up all their junk than it did for Margery to interview us. We talked a few minutes at most. You girls can watch it on the news. Flossie and me gotta hit the hay. We’re beat. By the way, Leonardo was right. Margery loved the roses.”

Flossie nodded and glanced at the kitchen clock. “
Oy
, it feels like midnight, but it’s still so early.” They toddled off to their cottages leaving an exhausted Waldo spread out on the kitchen floor like a Greek Flokati rug.

About nine o’clock Godiva answered the phone and heard Rudy’s voice on the other end. “Well, howdy-do, yer Highness. Better rustle up Goldilocks and put yer phone on speaker. Have I got a tale to tell ya. You ain’t gonna believe it.” She could hear another voice in the background and figured it was Taku. Just what she needed. Two drunks wanting to tell them a story. She motioned Goldie over to her desk and punched the speaker button.

“Are ya both listening now?”

Together they said, “Yes.”

“Well hold on to yer hats ladies, here goes. I tol’ yer little Angel I was pickin’ up Taku at the jail, an’ that’s what I did. Then Taku and me stopped by poor Mimi’s shop. Oh Lord, it didn’t seem right without her there, pore ol’ Taku just broke down an’ bawled.”

“I felt the same way when I went there to look around,” said Goldie, “It’s just so sad.”

“Anyway, ladies, Taku didn’t want to stay there very long. Never saw the ol’ boy look so miserable. He grabbed his backpack from the storeroom, it was still right where he left it, gathered up a few other things and we skedaddled. Are ya with me so far?”

“Of course we are, Rudy. Go on.”

“Well, we got us a bottle of scotch and figgered we’d celebrate Taku’s freedom and at the same time we’d have our own little wake for Mimi. We set down on the sofa and turned on the TV. They was talkin’ about catching those Ruskie killers and sure enough they showed them same guys what came into our shop, and there was Rimsky, too. Who woulda thought it? Rimsky? A smuggler and a murderer! Didn’t seem smart enough to me.”

“I agree, I always thought he was a little dimwitted, kind of crazy, really.”

“You know what Mom would say,” said Godiva, “crazy like a fox.”

“You got that right, Lady Godiva. Anyway, back to the big news, listen up now. They was tellin’ how these guys were part of a smuggling ring and they were chasin’ after some kinda fancy jewels, treasures from the Russian tzar, they said. Anyway, the police ain’t found them yet so they showed pictures of what they look like. It’s the darndest thing, they change color in different light, ya know. ’Course, I figger that’s what them two Ruskie officials were tracking down.”

“To tell you the truth, Rudy,” Goldie said, “we kind of figured out a while back that those stones were in the samovars. Angel found some articles online that seemed to point to it, but we didn’t want to mention anything until we knew for sure.”

“Well, here’s the thing, Goldilocks, I think Taku and me got two ’o them fancy gems. We was just settlin’ back when Taku says why don’t we have a chaw. He reaches into his backpack and instead of pullin’ out his Old Copenhagen tobacco he’s got some beat up old tin with Russian writin’ all over it.”

The twins gave each other knowing glances and let Rudy continue with his story. “Go on.”

“Taku takes one look at this strange tin and starts a-weepin’. ‘My poor sweet Mimi,’ he says. ‘Looks like Russian tobacco. She musta put this in here thinkin’ I would enjoy it.’ He opens up the tin and there is one ’o them big, sparkly, color changin’ jewels. Jest a sittin’ there in that ol’ dry tobacco like a diamond in a dung heap.”

“Wow!” the sisters said in unison.

“Yeah, that’s what we said. So, Taku still wants a chaw and he reaches into the pack again and what does he git? Another one ’o them old Russian tins with another stone in it. Well now he dumps out the whole backpack to see if there’s any more, but that’s it. Just his own junk, so he grabs the real can of Copenhagen and we had us a good chaw.”

Goldie could hardly contain herself. “Are you sure those are the missing alexandrites?”

“Well, Taku asks me, didn’t they just say on the TV that the missing stones change color under fluorescent light? Ya know, different than what it looks like with regular light bulbs lit. So we did jest what any fool would do, Goldie. We took ’em down to the shop and turned on the fluorescent light by my work bench.”

Both sisters held their breath.

“Danged if them rubies didn’t turn into emeralds right before our eyes! The way I figger it, one of the last things Mimi did was to hide them jewels in Taku’s backpack. So, what do we do now?”

Goldie tapped her finger against her front tooth for a few seconds, then her face lit up, “Rudy, take a few pieces of that gaudy costume jewelry out of the case and wrap them up along with the alexandrites in that tacky French jewel box on the back shelf. Take them to Alaska Airlines Cargo first thing in the morning and send the package by Goldstreak Same Day Express. Be sure to arrange for DHL Courier to pick up the package as soon as it arrives at LAX and hand carry it to Godiva’s address. That way it will be here before the Russian antiquity officials show up. If anybody gets curious, it will just look like junk jewelry.”

“What are you gals gonna do with them? Give them to the police? The FBI?”

“Nope, we have the other five here in L.A., so with those two we can give the whole set back to the Russian government and collect the five million ruble reward. It comes to about two hundred fifty thousand dollars. And since Taku found two of them he’s entitled to get almost thirty percent of that.”

There was a whoop on the other end after Rudy shouted to Taku, “You’re gonna be rich.”

“Taku may get a big surprise when they read Mimi’s will,” Goldie said. “She told me she was going to leave her little building to the Fishermen’s Benevolent Society when her time came. You know she always worried about Taku and part of her bequest was going to be that the Society allows him to live in the apartment upstairs. I kidded her about making plans for the hereafter too soon. But she said she had a premonition that she would die young and didn’t want to leave any loose ends.” Goldie began to sob. “Oh, Rudy, that was just a few months ago. Who knew?”

THIRTY NINE

       “I don’t know, Sis. There’s still something missing and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’ve gone over this list again and again.” Goldie tapped her pencil on the yellow pad, which was now filled with pages of notes.

“I know what you mean. It’s like there’s still another actor hiding behind the curtain. So even though they’re turning off the footlights, this play isn’t over yet. Do you suppose your illustrious Chief of Police has any leads on an accomplice?”

“Not Ollie. If I know him, he’s probably just sitting back in his chair drinking cold stale coffee and hoping he doesn’t have to chase down any more suspects in this case. If the Dumkovskys killed Mimi and if Rimsky bumped off Father Augustine, that’s two murders solved and everyone’s satisfied. If he’s really lucky, Seattle will want the Dumkovsky brothers for murdering Emma.”

“Or, Russia will want to extradite them for murder and arson in Vladivostok.”

“And Ollie will be able to relax and go back to the really important stuff like who stole Cassie Custard’s underwear.”

A determined look crossed Godiva’s face, “Well, there’s no way this crime-busting team will be satisfied until we have the final piece of the puzzle. Agreed?”

Goldie nodded and high-fived her sister. “Agreed.”

* * * *

As she sat at the kitchen island and finished off the last of the cinnamon apple coffee cake, Godiva said, “I’ve been thinking, Goldie, when those antiquity officials get here, how do we know they’re for real? Maybe they’re actually from some Russian crime ring and this is a cheap way to get their hands on the crown jewels. Maybe there is no reward at all. And even if they do give us two hundred and fifty thousand, it’d still be a steal for them.”

“You know, that never occurred to me, but now that you mention it, I guess we do have to ask them for credentials or something.”

Godiva’s answer surprised Goldie. “Credentials won’t do it.”

“Why? That should prove who they are.”

“Poor little country mouse, big city folks know that counterfeit credentials are a dime a dozen. Why, for a few bucks, I could be a Russian antiquities official myself, or anything else I want to be. Besides, the credentials would probably be in Russian, so for all we know, they could be official dogcatchers. No, we need something better.”

They were both silent while they thought about how to qualify the Russian visitors before handing over the stones. Then Godiva snapped her fingers. “Okay, here’s what we do. I’ll have Angel call the National Antiquities Agency in Moscow and verify their identities.”

“Really? You think she can do something like that?”

“Sure. She’ll find the complicated name of the department on the Internet and find a way to reach them. They must have someone who speaks English. If not, she can probably find a translator. I have complete faith in that girl, she can do almost anything.”

“Well, it’s a good idea. It must be nice to have an assistant like Angel. I can’t picture Rudy carrying off anything like that.”

Godiva chuckled. “No, I can’t either, but then again, I doubt that Angel could fix an antique clock. Back to the subject, though, I think we’ll insist that they wire the money to my bank from an official Russian government account. Then I can have my banker verify the source. That should only take a day or two. Once the money is in my account, I’ll ask my attorney to be a witness when we turn over the stones. That should do it. Bottom line, they don’t get the stones until we have the money signed, sealed, delivered and verified. They’ve waited all these years. A little while longer shouldn’t make much difference.”

Goldie was polishing off the last of a particularly delicious slice of fresh peach pie. “I guess you’re right, Sis. I don’t always think like you do when it comes to high finance and con artists. I just want these national treasures to return to their proper place. They really should be on display in a Russian museum. But if these guys balk, we just threaten to call the FBI and hand the Seven Stars of Siberia over to them.”

“Goldie, I swear you’re getting craftier in your old age.”

“Wait a minute, Godiva, I just had a terrible thought. If they are crooks, what’s to prevent them from killing us and grabbing the gems? After all, three people are dead already because of that treasure. You better call Ricky and Ivan to stand by with the big guns.”

Godiva winked at her sister. “Already did.”

She put her plate in the sink, returned to the richly upholstered barstool and put her hands on the counter, palms down in a businesslike manner. “Okay, so now for the next bit. Assuming everything goes as planned and we get the reward, we need to agree on who gets what.”

Goldie considered the question quietly for a moment. “Well, Taku definitely gets his fair share for the two stones he found. Let’s see, that’s two-sevenths. Ummm…” She scribbled a few numbers on the yellow pad. “Twenty eight and a half percent—”

Cutting her off in mid-sentence, Godiva snapped, “But if Mimi did make sure Taku has a place to live, how much could a guy like him really need? You and your big mouth, you shouldn’t have told Rudy how much the reward is. Maybe we can get away with just giving him a few thousand. After all, I’ve already spent quite a bit on Perry Pinkwater.”