Seth's Broadway Diary, Volume 1: Part 1 (37 page)

I've been doing the
Legally Blonde
reality show this whole week and am still under a gag order from MTV, but I will tell you some of the devastating things that have happened during the filming. First, as a preface, James (BF) was talking to Juli about
Project Runway
and was concerned about her seeing how skinny the models were. He asked her if she wanted to grow up to be thin and she said, "No." Ah. Our work is done. Then she continued. "I want to be like you and Seth." Ouch. Our work
out
is beginning.

At the beginning of the week, I was working with the
Legally Blonde
girls who are all super-young. I made some joke about having a lot of experience on Broadway. "Believe me, a lot happens by the time you're 60." One of them looked at me and said sweetly, "Aw! You're not 60." The line reading wasn’t like "You’re
nowhere
near 60." It was, "Don't say you're 60 until you get there… in three years." Later on, I was talking to casting director Bernie Telsey who suddenly stared at me and said. "Hmm… have you ever been in for
Hairspray
?" I thought to myself, "Well, I'm a
little
long in the tooth for one of the teen 'nicest kids in town,' but I can still shake it." He interrupted my reverie with a cold glass of water entitled "…for the role of Wilbur." What the-! If you don’t know, that’s Tracy Turnblad’s father. According to Wikipedia, Dick Latessa was 73 when he played the part! Well, at least Bernie doesn't think I'm 60. He thinks I have the maturity of a 73-year-old. Perhaps Dodie Goodman and I could do
The Gin Game
.

Peace out everybody, and I'll write next week… after I attend my annual AARP convention.

(Almost) Sailing On

March 18, 2008

James (BF), Juli (his daughter) and my mom (neurotic) are all on the Rosie O'Donnell R Family Vacations cruise (for gay parents, their families and friends,
rfamilyvacations.com
). I’m not there because I’m still filming the MTV
Legally Blonde
reality series 'til Tuesday. The production company is kindly flying me out that afternoon to Puerto Vallarta where I'll meet up with their Holland America ship.

The first night on the boat is always a show called
Broadway Belters
and it was a fabulous lineup. It's so weird putting it all together and then having the show happen while I wasn't there. Kevin Chamberlin sang "Solla Sollew" from
Seussical
(beautiful song), Shoshana Bean sang "The Wizard and I" into "Defying Gravity" (brava on the vocal chops), Julia Murney and Gavin Creel sang the fabulous
Baby
duet "What Could Be Better"…

I’m so sorry I missed the show! The only "good" news is that apparently the seas were rough, and I would not want a repeat of what happened in Alaska in 2006. Actually, why don't I set the record straight and tell everybody what really did happen in Alaska because, contrary to what Cyndi Lauper says, I did not throw up!

It was the week of the '06 summer cruise and the night of the comedy showcase. I was the host; there were three comics, and Julia Murney was going to end the evening singing the hilarious Andrew Lippa
Wild Party
song (first sung brilliantly by Alix Korey) "Old Fashioned (Lesbian) Love Story." Around a half hour before the show, the boat started rocking. I am easily nauseated (see my reaction to
From Justin to Kelly
) and was a nervous wreck. Julia came up to me at "places" and said that people were already leaving their seats to go back to their rooms because the rocking is making everybody sick/terrified. She said we should just cut the last song. But I said, "No, no, no (tip o' the hat to Amy Winehouse), I'm seeing this show through to the end." I did some stand-up (and by "some," I mean the same jokes I've been hauling out for ten years) and went backstage while the first comic performed. Well, if you don't know, let me tell you that a good way to not be seasick is to look at the horizon. Unfortunately, the backstage not only had no view of the horizon, it had no windows! There was no way to get a sense of where you were. The only way I could feel not disgusting was to lie completely down. So, that became my routine: intro a comic and then immediately run backstage to lie down. I would get up 30 seconds before I had to come back onstage to minimize nausea. Cut to the end of the show, I stood up because I was told that the last comic was about to end, but she wound up going on for a few more minutes. Uh-oh! No horizon. I really began to feel sick. But I decided that I had made it this far and I was determined to hear Julia belt the end of that song! I came out onstage and introduced Julia. She started making her way up from the audience, and I sat down at the piano. Suddenly, I felt my stomach start contracting. I knew I wasn't pregnant… not at my age (See: Bernie Telsey's casting idea for me in last week's column. Hint: a 73-year-old). I knew I was about to throw up. I thought to myself, "Not only am I about to throw up onstage… but the show is being
videotaped
." That recorded image is something I would find hilarious to play on a loop… if it was someone else! I didn't want anyone to have embarrassing footage of
me
to deconstruct! I knew I had to get the H offstage and lay down ASAP. I fled offstage before my stomach came up and immediately lay completely flat offstage. My stomach calmed down as I lay in an exhausted heap. Unfortunately, this all happened while Julia was approaching the stage, and she didn't see any of it. So, she essentially went center stage, adjusted her mic, nodded to the piano and suddenly saw there was no one sitting on the piano bench. It was like the ending of
Phantom
, where he's suddenly not in the seat he just sat down in… except I didn't leave a mask behind. Instead, I left behind a knocked-over microphone stand. Yes, not only wasn't I there, but I had knocked my boom microphone down in my haste to make it offstage, which I barely did. So all Julia saw was a microphone stand awkwardly clunked on its side and, off to the side, the bottom half of my legs sticking out from the wings, Wicked Witch of the East-style. AKA Nessa Rose. Hm… Seth-a Rose? Julia paused, turned out front and said simply, "That's the show," and the curtain came down. The next thing I know I'm at the breakfast buffet and everybody was telling me that Cyndi Lauper said I was a wuss for throwing up during the storm! Well! I see
her
"True Colors." I may be a wuss, Madame, but I most certainly did not throw up! I simply crawled offstage in a blind panic leaving a feed-backing microphone in my wake.

Anyhoo, I can't wait to fly to Puerto Vallarta and meet up with everybody on the cruise. I'm doing a show with my comedy partner Jack Plotnick, a cabaret with Gavin Creel, an onboard
Chatterbox
with Julia Murney and Shoshana Bean and then hosting the ‘70s show on the final night!

This week I had the pleasure of interviewing the majorly prolific and tuneful Alan Menken. Turns out, he didn't grow up wanting to be a theatre composer. He graduated from NYU as a musicologist major (please wake up after that last boring phrase) and wanted to either be a "serious" composer or a singer/songwriting pop star. To appease his parents and make it look like he was doing something for his career, he joined the BMI workshop where he met Maury Yeston (who later wrote
Nine
and
Titanic
). Maury recommended Alan to Howard Ashman, who was writing a musical version of
God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
. Even though Alan was a composer/lyricist at the time, he joined up with Howard who was writing the lyrics, book and directing. The show ultimately didn't run very long. One of the problems with the show was that it had a 14-person cast and was too expensive to run Off-Broadway. Howard told Alan that he always wanted to write a musical version of the movie
The Little Shop of Horrors
, and this time they would use a smaller cast (nine people).

Alan was giving me some scoop on how the show was written and I love finding out things that seem so obvious now that didn't begin that way. For instance, when they were first writing the show, the music was very Kurt Weill/Brechtian à la
Surabya Johnny
. They played the score for people, and people said, Sura-Bye-a. Ouch! That was a headache-y pun/joke even for me! My point is, no one was interested until Howard told Alan that they should make this show the dark side of
Grease
. Alan said that Howard thought it would work if they told this macabre story through bubble gum rock 'n roll. Unfortunately, he wasn't right… he was completely correct! By the way, that's a film/advertising cliché that drives me crazy. The hacky "I don't like it… I
love
it!" I'm always yelling at my TV, "You're lying. You
do
like it. You can't love something without liking it." The phrase should be, "I don't
just
like it… I love it." That would be honest… but also would leave out the "hilarious" reveal when we find out that he/she loves it. Call me when it's funny.

Back to Menken: Alan said that Howard taught him to base his songs on specific musical models… like a Belafonte Calypso or a Phil Spector girl-group song. Alan is incredibly facile at basing something on a signature model and then making it his own.

Oh yeah, I've mentioned this before, but in case you forgot, Faith Prince was originally cast as Audrey… but couldn't get out of an industrial she was doing, so the role went to Ellen Greene who was, of course, brilliant Off-Broadway and in the film. And Lee Wilkof was cast as Seymour… and edged out the second choice based on his amazingly flexible voice (he can sound nerdy/legit/rock 'n roll). The second choice was… Nathan Lane! And more trivia: the first Mr. Mushnik was the guy who played Sam Breakstone. I love finding out that these classic commercial actors also did theatre. I'd love to see a production of
I Love My Wife
with Sam Breakstone, Mr. Whipple, Madge "you're soaking in it" and the "Where's the Beef?" lady. Wait. Those commercials are so crazily old I have no idea who's still living. How about one couple made up of those kids (now middle-agers) from the Underoos or Garanimals commercial paired with the two brats from "You sank my battleship!" Are they all still in the biz? Can they belt? Anybody else still living in the past
?
P.S. Re-reading this shows me how deep my obsession with the ‘70s is and how it all led to me co-writing DISASTER!

Alan said he had so many shows before
Little Shop
that didn't do very well that, when he was offered a full-time job writing jingles in an office, he
almost
took it. As a matter of fact, he told them that he just wanted to open up
Little Shop
, and if it went the way of the other shows (AKA bomb), he would take the office job. Obviously, he never worked in that office. He credits Howard Ashman with changing his whole life: Howard thought up the idea of turning the
Little Shop of Horrors
film into a musical, wrote the book and lyrics
and
directed the show. Brava!

Alan said he remembers seeing the screening of their musical
Little Shop of Horrors
in some town in California. The lights came up and he said to David Geffen, "Wow! It's great!" His comment was greeted with complete silence. Alan may have thought it was great, but he later found out that the audience was devastated that the film ended like the stage show… with all the leads being eaten and the plant taking over the world. Howard was the book writer and after he got the missive from David Geffen, he was able to change the ending of the film without having to do much extra filming! If you go to
Bluegobo.com
, you can see the original ending of the film… it's devastating! After
Little Shop
, Howard got a deal with Disney, and they gave him a choice of films to do: Tina Turner's autobiography (which became
What's Love Got to Do With It?
), the Thief of Baghdad (which later morphed into
Aladdin
) and Howard chose the third:
The Little Mermaid
. Howard had just worked with Marvin Hamlisch on
Smile
but came back to Alan to write the film. I thought
The Little Mermaid
was the return to animated musicals but Alan reminded me that there was one right before it…
Oliver & Company
. Does anybody remember it? I remember the ‘60s musical
Oliver!
, the ‘70s musical
Company
and the
Chorus Line
song "And…," but I don't remember all three of the twain meeting in one giant box-office flop.

After
Little Mermaid
, they started work on
Beauty and the Beast
, and this time Alan was told to write a song that could cross over to the pop charts. He recorded himself singing a pop version of "Beauty and the Beast" with his best Top 40 voice and various sassy riffs. Howard then recorded a version of the song using his best old lady voice and sent it to Angela Lansbury, asking her if she'd play Mrs. Potts. She said a prompt and immediate "No." She felt there was
no way
she could sing it. Alan and Howard were in shock and couldn't understand why she'd think that… until they figured out that someone sent her the pop version by mistake! Angela must have listened to it and thought, "That's
not
how young I feel." She thought that they wanted her to Celine Dion-it and panicked that the only "riff" she knew was Mickey Calin (original Riff in
West Side Story
. Anybody?). She accepted the part, and they went into the studio to record the title song. She did it once all the way through… and they kept it! Yes, the version we all know from the movie was done in one take! Go "old-school, one-take Lansbury"!