Serpentine Walls (19 page)

“Big deal. The way traffic is around here, we would’ve needed to leave at the crack of dawn. Can we change the station?” Bud reached toward the dial.

“No!” Pete snapped.

“God.” Bud slumped down in his seat and pulled his baseball cap over his eyes.

After twenty minutes of silence, in which they inched forward about a mile, Pete decided talking to his cousin was better than fuming over the fucking traffic situation.

“What’re you doing over break?”

“Going skiing this week.”

“Cool.”

Must be nice.
Bud had only one sister, Heather, and their family was wealthy. Pete tried not to envy them. It wasn’t like his family was poor or anything, but given how many there were of them, they couldn’t take ski trips at a moment’s notice. And now that his parents had split.…
Shut up
.

“Hey, but I’ll see you on Christmas Eve, bro.” Bud’s parents had hosted a huge party for family and friends every Christmas Eve for as long as Pete could remember. “You and Jed.”

“Jed?”

Bud stared at him like he was dense. “Jed—your boyfriend? He’s gotta meet the family sometime.”

“Jed isn’t my boyfriend. Wait—you didn’t invite him…?”

“’Course I did!” Bud said, indignant. “I don’t care what you call him; you guys have been hooking up for months, right?”

“That doesn’t make him my boyfriend! Crap. Why’d you have to invite him to the family Christmas party?”

“Well, what is he then? What—you too good for Jed? You can’t bring him around? You’re such a snob, Pete.”

“Shut up.”

“No, I’m serious, man. You finally get someone who likes you—a normal guy, not one of those—”

“Bud, shut the fuck up. If you say one more thing, I’m gonna smash your face in.” Pete said this knowing that threats never stopped Bud, and, true to form, he barreled ahead, crossing his arms over his chest with a belligerent scowl.

“All I’m sayin’ is you finally get a guy who’s into you and you blow him off. For what? That Aidan guy? Gimme a break.”

Pete gripped the steering wheel, wanting to pull over and punch Bud out, although he’d never actually do that. He couldn’t pull over anyway. They were trapped on I-66, surrounded by wall-to-wall automobiles, and there was no escaping Bud’s continuing diatribe.

“I don’t even know what you see in that asshole. He fucks everyone in sight. You’re better than him, bro, even if you’re a dumbass at times.”

“Can we stop talking about this?” Pete said through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, fine. But I got one more thing to say. If you don’t think you’re boyfriends with Jed, you should tell him, ’cause he thinks you are. And I ain’t disinviting him from the Christmas party. That’s just rude.”

Stony silence. Pete didn’t stop Bud this time when he leaned over and changed the radio to the country station. He was suddenly in the mood for “Achy Breaky Heart” and all that other lachrymose shit. Yeah, and maybe he
was
a snob, because he didn’t think either Bud or Jed even knew what “lachrymose” meant, but fuck it.
I am who I am.

Not the main point, Morgan
. Okay, the main point was Jed. He liked him—Jed played a mean video game and was fun to hang out with. And, yes, they’d been having sex—not exactly regularly, but off and on since September. Someone like Angie could misconstrue that, but Jed was a guy. A gay guy!
“Friends with benefits,” right?

So what?
argued an opposing voice, as a vision of Jed’s double bed and shy smile arose in his mind.
What makes gay guys exempt from wanting a relationship?
He was
not
going to dwell on his next memory: Aidan, naked on top of the coverlet, telling him,
You want someone to love
. Aidan had that all wrong. (
But he’s not as big of an asshole as you think, Bud
.)

Back to Jed, Pete knew there had been signs of Jed getting attached to him since the beginning. But tell him they weren’t boyfriends? Pete could just imagine that conversation:

Uh, Jed, it’s come to my attention that you think we’re boyfriends, and I just wanna let you know that we’re not. ’Kay?

Oh. Sure, Pete. Thanks for letting me know. Wanna play
Mortal Kombat
?

And what if he brought it up, and Jed looked at him like he was nuts because Bud had gotten it all wrong? As his cousin who’d been stuck with him all their lives, Pete was aware that the likelihood of Bud getting shit wrong, especially when it came to people and relationships, was high.

So, what’s the plan? Ignore it and hope it goes away?
That sounded good to Pete. Jed hadn’t brought it up, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to. He had a week before the Christmas party; he’d think about it later. That resolved, Pete cut off Blake Shelton and turned the music back to his R&B station.

“C
HRIST
,
Pete, you and your men problems.” John took a long toke and passed the joint to Pete.

“Tell me about it.” Pete inhaled, stuck the remains of the joint in an ashtray, and lay back on the futon in John’s rec room.

No one else was around—John was an only child, and his parents were at work. Pete loved John’s house. It was an oasis of calm compared to his own chaotic family. When he’d been younger, Pete had practically lived there.

“Bud really invited Jed to the family Christmas party?”

“Yeah.”

“So what are you going to do?” John lay down next to Pete, and they stared at the ceiling for a while.

“I don’t know. Bud refuses to uninvite him. I mean, they’re buddies from rugby. Maybe I can tell Bud to introduce him as his friend.”

“Do you think he’s already told the family that you’re boyfriends?” John chuckled. “Sorry.” He kept laughing, though, until Pete jabbed him with his elbow. “Ouch.”

“Not funny, dude. My only hope is that he hasn’t said anything yet. I don’t think he has, because Missy would have called me up demanding all the details if she got word I had a boyfriend.”

“Oh, true, she’s been trying to get you together with someone forever.”

“God, please.” Missy’s flaming-red hair and loud, exuberant voice came to Pete’s mind. “I hope she doesn’t find out.”

“The problem is, if you tell Bud not to say anything, he’s going to turn around and do just that.”

“Yeah. Crap.”

John glanced over at him. “You sure about not giving Jed a chance? He’s a good guy. And way into you, for some unknown reason.”

“Shut up.”

John continued on as if Pete hadn’t said anything. “Because I agree with Bud on one thing: Aidan is bad news. Not as a person—I like the dude, but he’s bad news for you.”

Pete thought of the tense ending to his and Aidan’s last encounter. “I guess so.”

“I know so. He’s also got something going on with that creep, Professor R. You need to move on.”

“I wish there was something I could do to help him get out of that.”

“Who, Aidan? Stay out of it. He’s a big boy, and you even wanting to do something is more of you being hung up on him. He’s your damn animus figure.”

“What the hell does that mean, though?”

“It’s what Jung called it when people get, like, transfixed by another person. That it’s not the actual other person you’re drawn to. Like, it’s not Aidan, the literal person, it’s something about yourself that he represents.”

John had said this before, and Pete had never quite gotten it. “So, he’s—”

John interrupted, his dark eyes alight with interest. “What about Aidan do you most admire?”

“Um, his gigantic cock?”

“Right. Be serious. What beyond that?”

Pete thought about Aidan: his glamorous looks, his talent, and the way he made no apologies for who he was. He admired the way Aidan was pursuing his dream in theater and how much he worked on perfecting his acting and singing.

He told all this to John, who tilted his head and then said, “Not to get woo-woo, but what if Aidan came into your life for a reason?”

“Like what?”

“Well, ask yourself what you’ve learned from being around him. Like, what he’s contributed, or, um, what he’s stirred up in your soul, or whatever.”

“Dude. Stirred up in my soul?”

“You admire him for pursuing his art, so maybe there’s something there about your own creativity.”

“Well, I did have a dream the other night where I was in an artist’s studio.”

John lifted his head. “Really?”

“Yes.” Pete smiled at his enthusiasm. “You and your dream analysis.”

“Hey, dreams are amazing. Anything else about it?”

“Someone was showing me around. I guess it was available or something. I remember that it felt good to be in that studio, even though I’m not a painter or anything. But when you said the thing about creativity, I remembered it.”

“You’re not a painter, but you’re creative. You’re a writer, you’re making a film. I mean, I don’t know what you want to do with your life. But I think the dream and maybe even this Aidan obsession are about you wanting to pursue your creative side.”

“Yeah. Not a great way to make a living, though.”

“That’s your dad talking. What do you care?”

“I wouldn’t care if he didn’t keep bugging me about it. Anyway, let’s go back to Bud and what I do about him and the Jed situation.”

“You never answered my question about you and Jed.”

“I’m just not that into him.”

“Poor Jed.”

They were silent for quite some time, contemplating the ceiling, until Pete had an idea and sat up.

“I know! I’ll tell Bud that I talked to Jed, like he said I should, and that it’s all resolved, Jed’s cool with it, I mean, cool that we’re not boyfriends. So it’ll be—what was his word?—
rude
if after that Bud says anything about us being boyfriends. And he won’t wanna hurt Jed’s feelings. Yeah—brilliant! What do you think?”

There was such a long silence that Pete glanced over to check whether or not John had fallen asleep, but he was still staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling.

“Why not talk to Jed for real?” John finally said.

Pete’s mouth fell open as he gaped at him. “Talk to him?”

“Just tell him the truth for you, that you’re not into having a relationship right now. You don’t have to bring up what Bud thinks.”

Pete flopped back down on the futon, thinking he’d rather get a tooth drilled without novocaine than have the kind of conversation John was suggesting. He let his eyes fall shut. After what seemed like a long time, he heard John’s voice.

“It’s called emotional honesty, dude. Give it a try.”

“Awkward,” Pete mumbled.

John snorted. “Yeah. But a lot less awkward than him showing up to the party thinking he’s your boyfriend.”

Ugh. How’d I get myself into this?
Pete almost wished he could go back to the days of no men and no sex. Life had been a lot simpler then.

M
ISSY
slowly pulled up the long driveway at Uncle Jerry’s and Aunt Barb’s. The house was ablaze with an ostentatious Christmas light display featuring moving reindeer and a blinking JOY TO THE WORLD stretched along the roof.

“Rad,” Nate said, looking impressed.

Missy slowed down even more as she stared at the house. “Wow, their lights get fancier every year.”

From his vantage point in the backseat, Pete thought it looked tacky as hell. Mom sat beside him, and when he caught her eye, he saw her lips twitch like she was trying not to laugh.

“Interesting,” she commented drily, putting her hand on Pete’s and squeezing for a moment. They exchanged a smile. “Is John coming?”

“Yep. Cleo’s in Boston with her family.” He cleared his throat. “Another guy we know from school is going to be there. Jed.” He waited. No reaction from Missy or Nate.

Mom nodded. “That’s nice to see some of your friends.”

Good
. Bud hadn’t said anything, then. Taking the coward’s way out, Pete had texted Bud with his lie about having talked to Jed. It seemed to have had the desired effect. Now all he needed was to get through the party with Jed being there.
Bud has a great video game selection if worse comes to worst
, he thought as they piled out of the car and walked up the steps to the house, where Aunt Barb stood in the open doorway.

“Laura!” Aunt Barb’s voice was just a touch too loud as she ushered them inside. She gushed in her Southern drawl, “You look wonderful! Hi, kids! Nate, you must have grown three more inches. Why, Missy, that’s a gorgeous sweater! And Pete, you’re looking so handsome, home from school.”

Pete spied John and Bud over by the dining room table. “Hey, Aunt Barb,” he said in greeting. “I’m just going to take these over there.” He held up a basket of his Mom’s homemade sausage rolls.

“Thank you! Laura, come in here. I want you to see the new cabinets.” His poor mother was literally in Aunt Barb’s clutches and being herded to the kitchen, while Missy and Nate got cornered by Uncle Jerry.

“Pete!” For once, Bud’s voice was more welcome than the alternative. “I been waiting for those sausage rolls, bro. Hand ’em over.”

“Here you go. Where’s the beer?”

John pointed to the deck, where a red-and-white cooler sat jammed full of bottles, and followed Pete out through the sliding glass door.

“So, how did it go talking with Jed?”

Instead of responding, Pete bent over the cooler like he was searching for the exact right beer.

“Oh. You didn’t talk to him, right?” John seemed more resigned than accusing.

Pete was saved from answering by the door sliding open and Jed himself coming out, with Bud yelling over his shoulder to them to hurry up and get back inside. Jed had dressed up for the occasion in a nice sweater and slacks, and he carried a small present.

“Hi,” Jed said. “Merry Christmas.” He offered the wrapped package to Pete.
Shit
. Feeling like a douchebag, Pete took it while John cleared his throat and sipped his beer.

“Hey. Thanks. I… didn’t get you anything, sorry.” He could see John raising his eyebrow significantly behind Jed’s back and resisted the urge to flip him off.