Authors: Ellen DeGeneres

Seriously... I'm Kidding (4 page)

BOOK: Seriously... I'm Kidding

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Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it’s your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it’s your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey. Those are conflicting ideas, and I know it can be confusing. Do you live each day as if it’s your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.

If you lived each day like it’s your first, you would constantly be discovering the world like babies do. Babies have an incredible sense of wonder. They are in awe of everything around them, from mirrors to squeaky toys to their own hands. The simplest things are mesmerizing to them. Adults are sometimes mesmerized by their own hands but it’s usually under very different circumstances, when they’re attending music festivals in the desert.

That’s why it’s so refreshing for me to be around my two-year-old niece. Everything excites her right now because she’s experiencing so many things for the very first time. She’s learning how to walk and talk. Recently we let her drive on the freeway for the first time. She went wild for it.

For some reason as we get older, we lose that sense of wonder. We get jaded. I don’t know when it happens exactly, but I think it’s sometime between finding out the tooth fairy doesn’t exist and realizing the
Real Housewives
are neither real nor housewives.

It could also be that we’re desensitized. Between YouTube and reality television and Cinemax After Dark, we’ve pretty much seen it all. There are very few things that wow us anymore. A child will see something as simple as a garage door opening and it’s literally all they will talk about for weeks. As an adult, we will see a human person ride a bike, catapult over eighteen cars that are on fire, land on a skateboard, slide down a ramp, and end up in the backseat of a taxi, and be like, “Yeah, that was all right. But did you see the guy who pogo sticked over thirty-eight grandmothers?”

I’m not saying we need to live like babies in every way. I mean, sure, it would be great to get carried around in a papoose. Who wouldn’t want that? But I am glad I’m potty trained and not always trying to eat my feet like babies do.

I just wish we could hold on to that sense of wonder because sometimes we don’t notice some of the most incredible things in the world. We walk by beautiful flowers and trees every day without looking at them. We rush through our day without even saying hi to most of the people we see. We take a lot for granted, and I think that’s why some people say it’s better to live each day as our last. That way we might start appreciating more things around us. Either that or we would immediately quit our jobs to go live in a yurt.

If we lived each day as our last, I bet we’d all be a lot more honest with people, because we wouldn’t have to care what people think anymore. We would meet a friend for lunch and blurt out, “Hey, that’s an ugly hat!” Or tell a police officer, “If you thought that was speeding, sir, you should’ve seen what I was doing earlier! I think it was the fastest I’ve ever driven.” Or if you break up with someone you would finally tell them, “I just want you to know, it’s not me. It’s you.”

There would be nothing to lose, and because of that you would probably take a lot more chances in life. I think it’s important to take risks. That doesn’t mean you have to do something crazy like jump out of a plane or scale an ice-covered mountain using only your fingers, a short piece of rope, and a nail file. I don’t know what makes people see sharp cliffs and say, “I’d like to dangle from that.” Obviously, if you’re into that sort of thing go for it, but if you’re not, you can start small. Eat an apple without washing it first. Answer your phone even though the number calling is “unknown.” Wait only twenty-seven minutes to swim after you eat. Do whatever you think is risky.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important. It’s hard to understand failure when you’re going through it, but in the grand scheme of things it’s good to fall down—not because you’re drunk and not near stairs.

But it’s failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. When I came out of the closet on my sitcom I knew it was a risk, but I took the risk and look what happened. It got canceled. Not the point. The point is, I got back on my horse—when I found out my sitcom got canceled, I happened to be riding one of those toy horses outside the supermarket—and I pushed forward. I said, “You’ll show them, Ellen!” And I did another sitcom. Guess what happened? That got canceled, too. Not the point, either. The real point is that I kept going and now I appreciate my success more than I could have ever imagined. I look back on the days of doing stand-up in a basement for three friends—well, one friend and two mice. Okay, three mice. And I am so proud of where I am today. So let that be a lesson, kids who get an F in math. Ellen says you’re doing the right thing. You’re welcome, parents.

When you really think about it, it doesn’t matter if you choose to live each day as your first or your last. You could live each day as your second or third so all the gunk you’re born with is out of your eyes. Or you could live each day as your 912th or 15,337th. I actually remember that day in my life so clearly. I was in my forties and I needed a break from everything in my life, so I decided to get away. I went to Jamaica and I spent some time thinking about my life and what I wanted and I ended up learning how to get my groove back. You know what? I’m sorry. I’m thinking of
How Stella Got Her Groove Back
.

But what’s important is that you enjoy and appreciate every day, and that’s something you can accomplish by just living in the moment. Don’t look behind you. Unless someone yells, “Look out behind you!” Then you should definitely look behind you because there’s a good chance a Frisbee is being thrown at your head or, if you’re in a movie, an attractive teenage vampire is about to attack you.

Otherwise, don’t look back and don’t spend too much time worrying about the future. Stay in the present. There are a few ways to do that. Stop and smell the roses. Wake up and smell the coffee. Enjoy the sweet smell of success. I guess just keep taking big whiffs of stuff because it seems like the more we smell, the happier we are going to be. You know what I mean.

Thunderclap: A Short Short Story

I
t was a dark and stormy night. The streets were empty. They seemed sad almost and hollow. The wind was howling and the rain was pouring down upon the rooftop so loud that Papa could barely hear the sound of his teakettle. Eventually, the storm passed and normal activity resumed.

Journal Entries

I
usually like to keep my private matters private, but I thought I could make an exception this one time to share some of the journal entries I’ve written since 2003, right around the time my last book came out. Please enjoy a little insight into my personal musings over the last several years.

May 30, 2003

Dear Journal,

Remember that movie called
Finding Nemo
that I told you I worked on years and years ago? Well it came out today and guess what—it set the record for best opening day ever of an animated movie! I’m so proud to have been a part of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if Pixar called me today to say they want to make a sequel. This is great. This is really, really great. What a wonderful, wonderful, perfect situation this is, Journal.

August 1, 2003

Journal,

Finding Nemo
is now the highest-grossing animated movie of all time! Can you believe it?! Hang on, my phone’s ringing. It’s probably Pixar telling me they want to make a sequel! Bye, Journal! Talk to you again when I’m rich!

August 2, 2003

Journal,

That phone call wasn’t about
Finding Nemo
2, but I’m sure they’ll call any minute. The call was about my new talk show! That’s another thing I’m so excited about. It starts in about a month. I have to start thinking about what I want to wear on my first show and how I’m gonna get my hair did. Just thinking about it makes me want to dance up and down aisles for some reason! Anyway, I’ll let you know when Pixar comes a-knockin’! Should be any second now.

September 8, 2003

Dear Journal,

Big day today. My talk show premiered on TV! Wow. I think this is gonna be really fun. People seemed to like it and I’m really proud of it. I don’t know what my schedule is going to be like over the next few months and years, but don’t worry, I’m still gonna try and write in here every single day.

February 25, 2007

Journal,

I just finished hosting the Oscars. I am currently experiencing an indescribable feeling. It’s joy mixed with relief mixed with the smell of Clint Eastwood’s aftershave. I can’t believe I just hosted the Academy Awards! I’m headed to the after party now. I’m sure it’ll be a quiet, tame night. Just kidding. It’s about to get crazy up in here. I have a feeling my three-piece suit will be down to one piece in about an hour, Journal, if you understand what I’m saying.

August 16, 2008

Dear Journal,

Today was the happiest day of my life. I got married. I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You can tell how happy I am based on how many “O”s I used. I’ve never used that many “O”s. Portia and I got married and exchanged vows in front of a small group of our friends and family. It was a perfect day.

May 16, 2009

Journal,

Today I gave the commencement speech at Tulane University in my hometown of New Orleans. I had a great time and I think I gave those kids a lot of great advice. I can’t believe they let me do that even though I didn’t go to no college. I meant to, but I totally forgot. I think I made my mama very proud today by making one of her dreams for me come true. I finally wore a gown.

January 26, 2010

Dear Journal,

Today is my birthday. I had a great day today and I’m so excited for this year. I have so much to look forward to.
American Idol
is starting up soon. I can’t wait. I think I’m gonna want to do it forever.

March 15, 2010

Journal,

I’m on a sugar cleanse. I haven’t had any sugar in over three weeks. I think I’m experiencing withdrawal. Today I screamed at a plant. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It’s crazy. There’s sugar in everything. Did you know that? Everything. Even cupcakes. All right, I have to go, Journal. You’re being a jerk.

May 26, 2010

J,

Big news. I’m starting a record label. I love music and I love discovering new artists. I won’t be any different though now that I’m going to be a mogul. I’ll still be the same old Ellen. Oh, I gotta bounce. My pimpmobile is outside. Look at those rims! Holla!