Serial Killer's Soul (13 page)

‘You were perfect in all you did from the day you were created until that time when wrong was found in you. Your great wealth filled you with internal turmoil and you sinned. Therefore, I cast you out of the mountain of God like a common sinner. I destroyed you, O overshadowing cherub, from the midst of the stones of fire. Your heart was filled with pride because of all your beauty; you corrupted your wisdom for the sake of your splendor. Therefore I have cast you down to the ground and exposed you helpless before the curious gaze of kings. You defiled your holiness with lust for gain; therefore I brought forth fire from your own actions and let it burn you to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all those watching you. All who know you are appalled at your fate; you are an example of horror; you are destroyed forever.’ (Ezekiel 28:11-19,
TLB
)

Jeff didn’t respond after I read that passage. I hoped he was thinking about what he did and, now that he was in prison for life, probably felt like he was “destroyed forever.”

I didn’t let up. Not yet. This time I turned to the fire-and-brimstone chapter in the Bible–The Revelation 12:9-12. I wanted him to understand how Satan ended up on earth and about his power of evil over us. I explained to Jeff that Satan originally was known as Lucifer and was the highest of God’s created beings and, in fact, God anointed him to lead the worship in heaven.

I told him how Lucifer became prideful and wanted to be like God, to take his place on the throne of heaven. Lucifer led an unsuccessful army. God’s retribution was swift. Lucifer, now known as Satan, found himself exiled from heaven along with one-third of the angels who followed him. He was forced to wander the earth until Jesus returned and cast Satan into hell.

I believed that Dahmer worshipped Satan in some fashion during his vicious crimes. Either that, or Satan had taken control of his soul and pushed him to continue his horrible crimes against mankind.

“Satan does not own the earth,” I told him. “It belongs to God. Scriptures tell us that Satan is a real, invisible power behind some of the world’s rulers. Satan was the power behind Tyre, Babylon, Greece, and Rome. He is also the power behind many of our nations.”

I told Jeff to read John 8:44, John 10:10, II Corinthians 11:14-15, and I Peter 5:8. I also mentioned The Revelation 12:10, which was part of the scriptures I had just read to him. I wanted him to reread it and understand the fall of Satan and how he turned from good to evil. I wanted Jeff to see how Satan had influenced him, but I also wanted to explain how God’s goodness and love was much more powerful. I deeply wanted Jeff to understand he could save himself if he only looked to God.

After I told him which scriptures to read, I realized we’d talked for a long time. I decided to start keeping a journal of our talks. Through a journal, I could write down what Jeff said and look it over later, maybe find new verses to help him.

As I fell asleep that night, I prayed desperately for the tortured soul in Cell 1.

Here are the verses I asked Jeff to read that night:

For you are the children of your father the devil and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning and a hater of the truth–there is not an iota of truth in him. When he lies, it is perfectly normal; for he is the father of liars. (John 8:44,
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)

The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness. (John 10:10,
TLB
)

Satan can change himself into an angel of light, so it is no wonder his servants can do it too, and seem like godly ministers. In the end they will get every bit of punishment their wicked deeds deserve. (II Corinthians 11:14-15,
TLB
)

Be careful–watch out for attacks from Satan, your great enemy. He prowls around like a hungry, roaring lion, looking for some victim to tear apart. (I Peter 5:8,
TLB
)

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens, “It has happened at last! God’s salvation and the power and the rule, and the authority of his Christ are finally here; for the Accuser of our brothers has been thrown down from heaven onto earth–he accused them day and night before our God.” (The Revelation 12:10,
TLB
)

I live in terror now. They hold me in contempt and my prosperity has vanished as a cloud before a strong wind. My heart is broken. Depression haunts my days. My weary nights are filled with pain as though something were relentlessly gnawing at my bones. All night long I toss and turn, and my garments bind about me. God has thrown me into the mud. I have become as dust and ashes. (Job 30:15-19
, TLB)

Tuesday, March 3, 1992.

Units 1 and 2 remained on lockdown. That meant yet another non-social breakfast in a bag. After breakfast, Jeff got his medication and an officer brought the cart with shaving equipment. When the officer collected the razors, he inspected the blades to make sure all were still intact. Jeff, being new, likely didn’t even know the razors were inspected.

At 11 a.m., officers brought our mail. Stacks of mail, all for Dahmer, filled one entire table in the cafeteria.

At 11:30 a.m., lunch was served. Jeff ate everything on his tray.

After lunch, the psychologist came to talk to Dahmer. He told him that they’d be setting up a regular weekly visit.

Between noon and 2:30 p.m., inmates received items they had ordered from the prison store. When you’re in Desegregation Unit 2, you can only order items from the canteen on Fridays, and since Dahmer came to the unit on Monday, he had to wait all week for that privilege.

We watched TV for the rest of the afternoon, with the exception of Dahmer, who wasn’t allowed any electronics. In this unit, the only hope you had of leaving your cell during the day was if you had a scheduled appointment or a visitor.

There was the usual security shift change at 2:30 p.m., the 4 p.m.
inmates’ standing count, followed by supper. While collecting the supper trays, an officer brought Dahmer his medication. Once again, I saw that Dahmer had eaten everything on his tray. The man had an appetite. I, on the other hand, did not. I couldn’t bring myself to eat much. A lot was going through my mind and my appetite suffered.

At 8 p.m. an officer brought requested supplies to the tier. He also collected any letters the inmates needed mailed. At 9 p.m. there was another standing count.

That night when things were quiet, I decided to ask Dahmer more questions. There was just
so much
I wanted to know and I couldn’t help but ask him. There were many things about him I actually understood, like compulsion, anger, and addiction. I understood fear, hate, and desire. I knew there were similarities between us, similarities between all the inmates here. Every inmate, in my opinion, gave in to our desires; we all had a general lack of self restraint. But there were so many other things he did that were beyond my level of comprehension. Things he did were downright disturbing and gruesome and criminal, even from a criminal’s standpoint.

It wasn’t that I just wanted to pick his brain and ask about his crimes or try to examine his psyche. I also wanted to ask him about other things, like his interests and hobbies and all of the other things that make us “human.”

And, of course, I wanted to talk more about the scriptures and see if I could bring more of the word of God into his life. If Jeff saw and understood God, I believed it would change him. He could let go of his hate and his fear and open himself up to love and forgiveness.

That night, I asked Jeff about his interests. He told me he liked cars and traveling. He said he loved sports and his favorite sports teams were the Green Bay Packers for football, the Milwaukee Bucks for basketball, and the Milwaukee Admirals for hockey. He also said he enjoyed drinking Ole English 100 in fortyounce bottles. He was open about the fact that he
really
liked smoking pot and drinking.

I wanted to avoid sounding like an interrogator, so I asked all my questions calmly and casually. I let my general curiosity flavor the questions because I knew
he would “hear” it in my tone. Finally, I asked, “Why did you take photographs of your mutilated and dismembered victims?”

Jeffrey answered in an equally casual tone, as if we were talking about pictures of sunsets or family vacations. “Like I said before, I like to look at pornographic pictures to get myself aroused. Then I’d want to hurt someone and victims weren’t readily available, but I always had pictures of my previous victims to get off with. I was mystified by the look a person got in their eyes when they knew they were going to die.”

The statement confused me. Dahmer testified in court that he drugged all his victims and they were unconscious when he killed them. If they were drugged, would they be coherent enough to feel the fear associated with knowing death was looming? I had an urge to ask, but I didn’t feel like going into that subject anymore with him.

I was suddenly glad there was a thick cement wall separating us. My relationship with Dahmer, if you can call it that at this point, was confusing. I was obsessed with curiosity surrounding who he was and how he could do the vile things he did. Conversely, picturing him hovering over his victims, aroused by his own acts, and watching them die, disgusted me.

Jeff continued, making sure to pepper his statements with some racist comment here or there to provoke the other inmates, “The pictures of the dead bodies were my tokens to prove that I did attempt to rid this earth of niggers, gooks, and spicks. I did my best.”

No Jeff
, I said to myself,
you took those pictures because you’re insane.
At that time, I believed he truly was insane. He
had
to be insane. What kind of sane person would do those things?

Now, when I look back on our conversations and letters and everything I read about him, I don’t believe he was insane at all. I’m sure there was a sickness of some sort in his brain, but he wasn’t insane. Jeff knew exactly what he was doing and he knew it was wrong. He just didn’t care. He also didn’t understand the power of God’s forgiveness and that he could have started his life over at any time, if he had just turned his life over to God.

The questions burned on my tongue now. “Why did you photograph the
men and boys nude before you killed them or performed the various sex acts?” I asked.

Dahmer’s voice was flat and matter of fact. “I used the photographs as a personal means of sexual enticement, just as any
straight
man would want pictures of females. I’d get completely aroused by them.”

I assumed that Jeff had heard that type of question a lot since his arrest, so he was probably used to answering it. It bothered me that he didn’t seem remorseful whatsoever about his crimes. It was as if he had no emotional connection to what he had done, he was completely removed from any sort of empathy for the lives he stole and the families he’d destroyed.

I decided to change the topic to something more helpful to Jeff and more important to my final hope for him, so I asked him, “Did you know Satan is a liar and a murderer? He wants to kill us, to deceive us, and he whispers false witness to us. Satan causes us to make bad decisions. Satan destroys our power to witness to God. He makes us ineffective Christians while putting us in bondage.”

I felt excited as I said it, as though God was there helping me find the right words, giving me courage and strength. I thought about Levy and how he must have felt when he was teaching me about God and forgiveness.

Jeff was quiet, but I knew he was listening, so I continued. “Demons are fallen angels who joined forces with Satan. They’re full of misfortune. They are nothing more than creatures that follow a merciless master with no purpose. They have no place to call home and therefore just wander the earth trying to get us into trouble. Demons are everywhere, Jeff, tempting us every day. We have to fight their temptations.”

Then Jeff spoke up, but quietly this time, almost as if he wasn’t even talking to me, but to himself. “Man, why are you preaching to me? Why do you care whether or not I know about this stuff? What difference does it make to you or to me?”

I could tell that Jeff was trying to say that he thought his soul was lost … a lost cause. He probably believed that men like him didn’t deserve heaven and definitely wouldn’t end up going to heaven. Jeff probably thought no one cared about him now.

“Jeff,” I answered, “although I haven’t been a Christian for long and I don’t know everything there is to know about how to be a good Christian, I do know that it is important to help people, to find the good in others and help them see that goodness inside of them. What I’ve learned about God is that He is forgiving and loving, even when men go astray. As long as you believe and turn to God, He has the power to save any man. Learning about our Lord has changed my life and made me into a better person, and I think that if you learn and see, He can help you, too.”

Jeff and I remained silent for awhile. I wanted Jeff to know that I cared about his soul, that I wasn’t just there to question the horrible crimes he committed or try to find some grand epiphany to explain his actions. I wanted him to know that I could help him find the good person hidden inside of him. I prayed for a moment, asking God to give me strength.

Finally, I asked Jeff to open his Bible and read Luke 11:24-26 and Mark 5:10-13. I waited. I knew he hadn’t moved, and for a moment, I thought he was ignoring me. Then I heard him search for his Bible. He opened it and began slowly flipping through the wispy pages. I smiled to myself. I wanted him to read about how the demons in this world can possess men and women, and how they can even inhabit other living things. I believed Satan possessed Jeff and just never let him go.

When a demon is cast out of a man, it goes to the deserts, searching there for rest; but finding none, it returns to the person it left, and finds that its former home is all swept and clean. Then it goes and gets seven other demons more evil than itself, and they all enter the man. And so the poor fellow is seven times worse off than he was before. (Luke 11:24-26,
TLB
)