Serenity (30 page)

Quill climbed in after her and started the car. Remaining silent until they hit the highway. “Where to m’lady?”

“I don’t care. Just away.” She leaned her head against the headrest.

“That bad huh?”

“I just needed to get out of there.”

“I ran into your boy toy.” Quill’s words sounded like he was teasing, but his tone didn’t.

“And who would that be?” She looked his way.

“I am concerned there are so many you are unable to know who I’m referring to.”

Ren smacked him in the arm.

“Jesus Christ. Stop fuckng hitting me!” he snapped. “I saw Jolin. Fucking Christ, it hurts when you punch me.”

“He’s not my boy toy. I thought he was my friend, but he’s just another dick.”

“I told him you wouldn’t hang with him for long.”.”

“No worries, if I didn’t know my place he surely put me back in it. He’s up for homecoming douche so he’s back with the cheer-whore.”

Quill rubbed the steering wheel with his thumb. “So the park?”

Ren rubbed her forehead with the heel of her hand. “Sure.”

Quill must have anticipated the route because he was only a few miles from the park when he suggested it as a refuge. It was the same park Jolin took her to the day he bought her lunch, and the same park Brock liked to go to when he was getting his payback for whatever money he’d loaned her. Fitting she would end up here on her attempt to cleanse her soul of both assholes. Quill parked in the lot and they got out and walked to a small beach area along the river. Ren sat down and stretched out, enjoying the warmth of the sun that peeked out during the fall day. Leaning back on her hands, she tilted her head up to look at the yellow and orange leaves. “Why is life so difficult?” she asked.

Quill flopped down next to her, pulling a joint out of his pocket and lighting up. “Not sure. Seems like some people’s difficult hits them early and others late. I think in the end it all evens out. Look at Mom. She had a pretty good life early on. Then the shit hit the fan, and she flaked out. Now it’s shitsville for her. Maybe it will get better one day since we haven’t ever had a good day.” He pulled in a long draw from the joint and held it in.

Ren let out a dry laugh. “I hope the rest of her life is a living hell, and then she goes to hell and lives it all over again.” She reached over to take the joint from his fingers and mimicked his actions.

“Wow, it must have been a whopper of a morning for you. I thought since you were with golden boy now life would be sugar plums and cotton candy.” He let the smoke empty from his lungs. “Now look at you. Back to being a juvenile delinquent.”

“Stop being such a dick, Quill. I didn’t call him when you were in jail. His mom works at the hospital and after I came in, she called him. We’re lab partners. He’s looking out for his best interest. If I’m in jail, I can’t do the work.”

Quill stared at her like she had two heads. “I don’t even know what to say to that incredible load of bullshit. He likes you, and you like him. Jesus, Ren, sometimes you have your head up your ass.”

Ren leaned toward him as if she was going to smack him again.

Quill scooted a few inches away and pointed at her. “I swear to God, Ren, if you fucking hit me again, I will take you down. I don’t care if you are a girl.”

Ren chuckled. “I’m not going to hit you. Give me the joint.”

They sat back and watched the river for a few minutes, trading the joint back and forth. “Why don’t you hate me?” Quill finally asked.

Ren’s head jerked in his direction, her mouth fell open. “Why would I hate you?” she whispered. She’d done everything for him. How could he possibly think she should hate him?

“I know what you did for me. I know what you’re still doing.” Quill ran his fingers through his too long hair.

Ren shifted uncomfortably with the direction this was going. She tried so hard to hide what was actually going on. “What did I do?”

Quill peeked up at her. “When I was little. I know you sacrificed yourself to save me.” His eyes rimmed with tears. “I know it went way beyond bad.”

Ren shifted again. Quill didn’t cry. Ever.

“I…” She didn’t know what to say.

“It should have been me. I’m the big brother. I shouldn’t have let you do it. I should have stopped it. I should have made you stop.”

Ren tentatively reached out to touch his shoulder. “It’s okay.”

Quill recoiled from her touch. “No! It’s not okay. I know what was happening in mom’s bedroom, and I let you hide me in the closet and take the punishment that was meant for me. I’m a coward and even now I know what you’re doing. What you say you’re doing for me and I haven’t made you stop. I just go get drunk or stoned or hide out at other people’s houses and let you keep doing it. I’m still hiding in the fucking closet.”

He grabbed her arms and shook her. “I don’t need you to protect me anymore. I can take care of myself and finally I am going to be a man and tell you to stop. Ren, stop selling yourself to save me. I won’t let it happen anymore. If another guy lays a fucking hand on you, I will tear his fucking head off. I will not let this happen anymore.” He was yelling, holding her arms so tight she could feel his fingernails digging into her skin. He stopped and seemed to try and pull himself together, then dropped his hands and walked to the edge of the water. His entire body shook.

Ren gave him a minute, and then walked down after him. Standing beside him, she didn’t touch him. Tears slid down his face. He pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes. “God dammit Ren,” he muttered.

“The first time I saw it happen.” She paused and swallowed the lump in her throat. “Mom’s boyfriend. The one with the dirty long hair.” She laughed. “So unlike all the others. Anyway. Mom was at work. We were watching TV and he put me on his lap. Then he put his hand on your lap.” Ren kicked at the sand. “I had no idea what was happening. But the look on your face. You were so scared, and you just looked at me. Begging me to help you. And I couldn’t.”

“I remember.” Quill cleared his throat.

“Then mom got a new guy. We were eight, maybe nine when I walked by the bathroom and the guy was showing you what he wanted you to do.” I ran outside and threw up. “I knew after that what happened before.” Ren looked up. “It hadn’t stopped after that first time had it?”

Quill shook his head. “Just hid it better. Mom thought he was stepping up and being a dad to me. Never dawned on her he was a pedophile.”

“The look on your face tore out my heart, Quill. I couldn’t let it happen. You were always the better twin. The happy one. The one all the people loved with your happy disposition. So I offered myself. They were willing to show me. I wasn’t going to let it happen anymore. You were dying. I could see the light in you dying.”

Quill looked at her. His eyes rimmed in red. “All you did was kill me in a different way. I sat back and watched you go with the men, and I did nothing. I let it happen and it kills me everyday to know I let them touch you. I was too scared to stop you because I knew if it wasn’t you it would be me.”

Ren shook her head. “I let them.” She shook her head harder. “I wouldn’t have let you stop it.”

“I shouldn’t have left you alone.” His shoulders started to shake. “I’m always bailing on you. God, Ren, if I hadn’t been there, he would have raped you. I should have taken you with me.”

“And say what to your girlfriend? Can my sister come shack up with you? C’mon, Quill we’re surviving. You did it your way, I did it mine.”

Quill stared me down. “By selling yourself? That isn’t surviving.”

“I don’t sell myself. Quill, I’m a virgin. I don’t sleep with guys.”

Quill cringed at my use of the word virgin.

“I think if we can discuss the fact as children we were not taught the ABC’s but instead the proper technique for a blow job or hand job, I can say the word virgin in front of you.”

“I don’t want to think of you doing anything sexual,” he snapped. “And just because you say you’re a virgin doesn’t mean you weren’t violated in other ways.”

“I don’t want to talk about the definition of a virgin with you or how I was violated.”

“I am so not a virgin,” he whispered. Then leaned his head back and yelled, “We are so fucked up.”

“At least we’re fuck ups together.” I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over.

Jolin

Wednesday, October 29

4:00 p.m.

Jolin went home after school, skipping the poster making and campaign meetings set up in the gym for the royalty candidates. It was crazy to think if this happened a few weeks ago he would have been running the biggest campaign the school had ever seen. Now he could care less. In fact, the entire situation made him sick.

The house was empty. His mom was working split shifts which made him step-up and be self-sufficient. But he didn’t feel like eating and doubted Ren was coming back. He headed upstairs to check if she’d cleaned out her stuff. Her extra clothes were draped over the back of the small chair in the room. He sighed with relief she hadn’t ran back here and picked up her stuff. At least she’d have to talk to him to get it back.

He walked into the room and sat on the bed. Reaching out, he touched the hem of one of her shirts then tugged until it fell to the floor. Gathering it up, he brought it to his face and breathed in her scent. He missed her. He missed her the minute her hand left his. He straightened the shirt and put it back on the chair, then fell back on the bed, draping his arm over his eyes.

The buzz of his phone woke him up from the daze he’d fallen into. Groaning, he sat up and dug the phone out of his pocket. A text showed on the screen. His heart beat a little faster at the hope it was Ren. No luck.

I’m outside. Open the door.

It was Quill.

Jolin ran a hand through his hair and headed downstairs to open the door.

Quill was sitting on the front steps, his back to the door. He didn’t get up when Jolin came out. Jolin stood in the doorway for a minute then sat down next to him.

“I came for her stuff,” Quill muttered.

“She sent you?” Jolin stiffened.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not letting her go back to the house.”

“We always end up with our mom eventually.” Quill rested his elbows on his knees.

“I think I could love her,” Jolin whispered.

Quill didn’t look up. “Don’t.”

“If she wants her stuff, tell her to come get it herself.”

Quill stood up quickly. “Don’t be an asshole. It’s my job to take care of her, not yours.”

“Then why the fuck don’t you?” Jolin snapped.

Quill ran his hands though his hair. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“And you know about me? Tell her if she wants her stuff not to be a coward and come and get it.”

Quill cocked his head. “I know you let her go when you saw your chance at homecoming prick.”

Jolin started shaking his head. “No,” he interrupted. “You don’t know shit about what went down today. She’s the one who ran away.”

Quill leveled his gaze at Jolin. Quill looked horrible. The night in jail hadn’t treated him well, not to mention whatever he’d been doing to blow off steam left his eyes red and glassy. Jolin figured he was still high or really hung over. “She told you didn’t she? She told you what she did. What she does.”

Jolin nodded his head. “Yes.”

“And it doesn’t matter?”

“Why should it? I know girls that do the same thing for no other reason than to gain popularity. At least she has a valid reason, or at least she thinks she does.”

“It’s fucked up,” Quill muttered.

Jolin reached out and touched Quill’s shoulder. “She gave you the only gift she could. Make it worth it. Make her sacrifice worth it, Quill. Pull your shit together. Graduate and get into college and prove to her it wasn’t for nothing. If you fail her? She’ll never recover. As long as there is a greater cause, she’ll survive. You let her down and she’ll crumble.”

“I should have been the one to save her, not the other way around,” Quill’s shoulders slumped.

“Maybe.” Jolin shoved his hands in his pockets. “But I don’t think she would have let you.”

Quill nodded.

“Where is she?”

“Work.” Quill stood up. “We’re back home. I’m staying around to make sure she’s okay. She won’t be alone.”

Jolin watched Quill walked down the sidewalk and get in his car. It started up with a loud roar then backed out, taking off down the quiet street. Jolin sat back down on the front step and stared at the leaves flitting back and forth across the yard. He wasn’t sure he ever noticed the bright colors of fall before. It seemed he’d spent his entire life looking at things through the blinders of a football helmet. With a sigh, he got up and went back in the house. He wanted to march over to her house and ask Ren why she was so quick to think the worst of him, but then he had to admit he hadn’t been much different than the other people in her life, and she would expect him to jump at the chance at getting back in the crowd. It wasn’t even two days ago he had his hand in Liz’s pants trying to do just that.

He needed to apologize, admit he needed her, and beg her to come back to the house. He wasn’t sure when her mom was getting out of jail, and he didn’t want her there.

Jolin went back inside and searched for a phone number to The Perk.

“The Perk, Brenda speaking how can I help you?” The loud noise of the steamer cut into the line, Jolin waited a beat before speaking.

“Hey, I was wondering if Ren was working today.”

“I’m sorry we don’t give out schedules over the phone.” The voice sounded like a recording. Must have been a common question.

“Oh. Well my name is Jolin Daniel, and I need to pick her up after work so I guess if you could just tell me if she closes?” He tried again.

“If you know her well enough to pick her up after work, I would think she would have told you if she was closing. As I said, I don’t give out schedules over the phone. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Her voice was clipped.

Jolin blew out a breath of frustration but had to give her credit for looking out for Ren when not many people did. “No, that’s okay. I’ll come down and see her.”