Señor Vivo and the Coca Lord (34 page)

Fernando, for some reason known to everyone as ‘Dungball’, puffed his cheeks and fanned his face with his sombrero. It was not only that it was stifling in the office and that the slowly revolving fan was blowing the fetid air straight down at him, it was also that he was growing angry and frustrated. He was in the office of the local Department for Agricultural Progress and Reform.

‘Escuchame,’ he said, ‘the price of coffee has fallen thirty per cent, and I don’t even want a grant. I want a loan until the prices go back up again. At the moment it’s not worth carrying on.’

The bureaucrat sighed and said, ‘I have already told you, we have no policy on that, and no budget, so I am very sorry, but it is impossible. If it was coca, you would be eligible for a grant to tear up the shrubs and plant coffee instead. You don’t have any coca, do you?’

Fernando Dungball shook his head, and out of curiosity asked, ‘How much is the grant for that?’

The bureaucrat rifled in his desk for the piece of paper and passed it to him. Fernando perused it, furrowing his brow every time that his eyes fell upon a long word. Then he whistled, and observed, ‘That grant is worth more than I earn from my coffee in a year.’

‘Courtesy of the government, and no doubt of the gringos,’ replied the bureaucrat in a dry tone of voice.

‘Mierda, that means I could tear up my coffee shrubs, plant coca, sell the coca for a good profit, and then apply for a fat grant to tear up the coca, and plant coffee again when the prices go back up, yes?’

The bureaucrat shrugged. ‘I suppose so.’

Fernando Dungball thought about it, considering how rich he would be. But then he thought about his coffee plants that he had nurtured so carefully over the years. Suddenly he became very exasperated and his face grew even more flushed. He turned and went to the door, where he wheeled around, waving the piece of paper and circling a finger against his temple. ‘You are all locos,’ he said.

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Epub ISBN: 9781407019079

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Published by Vintage 1998

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Copyright © Louis de Bernières 1991

The right of Louis de Bernières to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988

First published in Great Britain by

Martin Secker & Warburg in 1991

Vintage

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ISBN 9780749399627