Selected Poems (141 page)

As friend Scamp shall be pleased to step down from the moon

135

(Where he seems to be soaring in search of his wits),

And an interval grants from his lecturing fits,

I’m engaged to the Lady Bluebottle’s collation,

To partake of a luncheon and learn’d conversation:

’Tis a sort of re-union for Scamp, on the days

140

Of his lecture, to treat him with cold tongue and praise.

And I own, for my own part, that ’tis not unpleasant.

Will you go? There’s Miss Lilac will also be present.

TRACY
: That ‘metal’s attractive.’

INKEL
: No doubt – to the pocket.

TRACY
: You should rather encourage my passion than shock it.

145

But let us proceed; for I think, by the hum —

INKEL
: Very true; let us go, then, before they can come,

Or else we’ll be kept here an hour at their levy,

On the rack of cross questions, by all the blue bevy.

Hark! Zounds, they’ll be on us; I know by the drone

150

Of old Botherby’s spouting ex-cathedrâ tone.

Ay! there he is at it. Poor Scamp! better join

Your friends, or he’ll pay you back in your own coin.

TRACY
: All fair; ’tis but lecture for lecture.

INKEL
:That’s clear.

But for God’s sake let’s go, or the Bore will be here.

155

Come, come: nay, I’m off.

[
Exit
INKEL
.]

TRACY
:You are right, and I’ll follow;

’Tis high time for a ‘
Sic me servavit Apollo
.’

And yet we shall have the whole crew on our kibes,

Blues, dandies, and dowagers, and second-hand scribes,

All flocking to moisten their exquisite throttles

160

With a glass of Madeira at Lady Bluebottle’s.

[
Exit
TRACY
.]

Eclogue Second

An Apartment in the House of
LADY BLUEBOTTLE
.
A Table prepared.

[
SIR RICHARD BLUEBOTTLE
solus
.]

Was there ever a man who was married so sorry?

Like a fool, I must needs do the thing in a hurry.

My life is reversed, and my quiet destroy’d;

My days, which once pass’d in so gentle a void,

5

Must now, every hour of the twelve, be employ’d:

The twelve, do I say? – of the whole twenty-four,

Is there one which I dare call my own any more?

What with driving and visiting, dancing and dining,

What with learning, and teaching, and scribbling, and shining,

10

In science and art, I’ll be cursed if I know

Myself from my wife; for although we are two,

Yet she somehow contrives that all things shall be done

In a style which proclaims us eternally one.

But the thing of all things which distresses me more

15

Than the bills of the week (though they trouble me sore)

Is the numerous, humorous, backbiting crew

Of scribblers, wits, lecturers, white, black, and blue,

Who are brought to my house as an inn, to my cost

– For the bill here, it seems, is defray’d by the host -

20

No pleasure! no leisure! no thought for my pains,

But to hear a vile jargon which addles my brains;

A smatter and chatter, glean’d out of reviews,

By the rag, tag, and bobtail, of those they call ‘BLUES;’

A rabble who know not—But soft, here they come!

25

Would to God I were deaf! as I’m not, I’ll be dumb.

[
Enter
LADY BLUEBOTTLE
,
MISS LILAC
,
LADY BLUEMOUNT
,
MR BOTHERBY
,
INKEL
,
TRACY
,
MISS MAZARINE
,
and others, with SCAMP the Lecturer, &c. &c
.]

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: Ah! Sir Richard, good morning; I’ve brought you some friends.

SIR RICHARD
[
bows, and afterwards aside
]: If friends, they’re the first.

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
:But the luncheon attends.

I pray ye be seated, ‘
sans cérémonie
.’

Mr Scamp, you’re fatigued; take your chair there, next me.

[
They all sit.
]

30

SIR RICHARD
[
aside
]: If he does, his fatigue is to come.

LADY BLUEBOTTLE:Mr Tracy –

Lady Bluemount – Miss Lilac – be pleased, pray, to place ye;

And you, Mr Botherby —

BOTHERBY
:Oh, my dear Lady, I obey.

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: Mr Inkel, I ought to upbraid ye: You were not at the lecture.

INKEL
:Excuse me I was;

35

But the heat forced me out in the best part – alas!

And when —

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
:To be sure it was broiling; but then You have lost such a lecture!

BOTHERBY
:The best of the ten.

TRACY
: How can you know that? there are two more.

BOTHERBY
:Because

I defy him to beat this day’s wondrous applause.

40

The very walls shook.

INKEL
:Oh, if that be the test,

I allow our friend Scamp has this day done his best.

Miss Lilac, permit me to help you; – a wing?

MISS LILAC
: No more, sir, I thank you. Who lectures next spring?

BOTHERBY
: Dick Dunder.

INKEL:That is, if he lives.

MISS LILAC
:And why not?

45

INKEL
: No reason whatever, save that he’s a sot.

Lady Bluemount! a glass of Madeira?

LADY BLUEMOUNT
:With pleasure.

INKEL
: How does your friend Wordswords, that Windermere treasure?

Does he stick to his lakes, like the leeches he sings,

And their gatherers, as Homer sung warriors and kings?

50

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: He has just got a place.

INKEL
:As a footman?

LADY BLUEMOUNT
:For shame!

Nor profane with your sneers so poetic a name.

INKEL
: Nay, I meant him no evil, but pitied his master;

For the poet of pedlers ’twere, sure, no disaster

To wear a new livery; the more as ’tis not

55

The first time he has turn’d both his creed and his coat.

LADY BLUEMOUNT
: For shame! I repeat. If Sir George could but hear —

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: Never mind our friend Inkel; we all know, my dear,

’Tis his way.

SIR RICHARD
: But this place —

INKEL
:Is perhaps like friend Scamp’s, A lecturer’s.

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: Excuse me – ’tis one in ’the Stamps: ’

60

He is made a collector.

TRACY
:Collector!

SIR RICHARD
:How?

MISS LILAC:
What?

INKEL
: I shall think of him oft when I buy a new hat: There his works will appear—

LADY BLUEMOUNT
:Sir, they reach to the Ganges.

INKEL
: I sha’n’t go so far – I can have them at Grange’s.
¹

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: Oh fie!

MISS LILAC
:And for shame!

LADY BLUEMOUNT:
You’re too bad.

BOTHERBY:
Very good!

65

LADY BLUEMOUNT
: How good?

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
:He means nought – ’tis his phrase.

LADY BLUEMOUNT
:He grows rude.

LADY BLUEBOTTLE
: He means nothing; nay, ask him.

LADY BLUEMOUNT
:Pray, sir! did you mean What you say?

INKEL
:Never mind if he did; ’twill be seen

That whatever he means won’t alloy what he says.

BOTHERBY
: Sir!

INKEL
:Pray be content with your portion of praise;

70

’Twas in your defence.

BOTHERBY
:If you please, with submission,

I can make out my own.

INKEL
:It would be your perdition.

While you live, my dear Botherby, never defend

Yourself or your works; but leave both to a friend.

A propos – Is your play then accepted at last?

75

BOTHERBY
: At last?

INKEL
:Why I thought — that’s to say — there had pass’d A few green-room whispers, which hinted — you know That the taste of the actors at best is so so.

BOTHERBY
: Sir, the green-room’s in rapture, and so’s the committee.

INKEL
: Ay – yours are the plays for exciting our ‘pity