Selby's Stardom (4 page)

With one great leap I grabbed the shelf
Kerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrslosh!
I think I flushed myself!

It was the middle of the night and Selby was secretly answering emails from kids on the Trifles' computer. This is what he wrote:

Suddenly Selby heard a noise from the other end of the house.

‘Uh-oh,' he thought. ‘Dr or Mrs Trifle must have woken up.'

He listened for a moment.

‘No, probably just the wind. Now, where was I?'

Selby chuckled to himself.

Just then there were footsteps in the hallway. Selby quickly shut down the computer and lay down on the floor.

‘I'll pretend I'm sleeping,' he thought. ‘I know it's a bit odd me sleeping in the office, but that's okay. In a
(yawn)
minute I won't
(yawn)
have to pretend to sleep at all because I'll really
(yawn)
be asleep.'

Minutes later, Selby heard the toilet flush and footsteps going back to the bedroom.

‘False alarm,' he thought. ‘I'd better answer some more emails. I'm sooooooo far behind! But wait, I just thought of something. I just told Tory that she might talk in her sleep and give away my secret. What if
I
talked in my sleep and somebody heard me?! Gulp. Maybe I already talk in my sleep.'

Selby went to the kitchen and stared at the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits in his bowl.

‘I can't possibly talk in my sleep,' he thought. ‘The Trifles would have heard me by now. But what if they have and they just haven't said anything?'

Selby got an ice-cream container from the freezer and had a couple of licks.

‘They would have said something, wouldn't they?' he wondered.

Selby's mind began to race. He imagined that he'd slept late one morning. He was just waking up but hadn't opened his eyes yet. He could hear the Trifles talking.

‘Look at Selby snoozing away without a care in the world,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘He's a cutie, all right,' Dr Trifle said. ‘Do you suppose he's getting old? He sleeps later and later in the morning.'

‘Little do they know that I was up half the night answering emails,' Selby thought.

‘Do you think he'll ever tell us?' Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Shhhhhh,' Dr Trifle warned. ‘He might hear you.'

‘Tell them what?' Selby thought. ‘What are they on about.'

‘He can't keep this up forever,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘He's kept it up for this long. I reckon he could keep it up for quite a while — unless he makes a major slip-up,' Dr Trifle said.

‘Tell me,' Mrs Trifle said, ‘were you shocked when he talked in his sleep?'

‘Oh, no!' Selby thought. ‘They know! They heard me sleep-talking! Gulp.'

‘Of course I was,' Dr Trifle said. ‘I didn't believe it until I saw his lips were moving.'

‘I half suspected it,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘I've noticed a lot of suspicious things over the years. Why do you suppose that our own dear Selby insists on keeping it a secret — from us?'

‘Maybe he's just waiting for the right moment to tell us.'

‘Haven't we been good enough to him?' Mrs Trifle said. ‘I can't believe he's being so dishonest, disloyal and untrusting.'

‘Gulp.' Selby felt bad. ‘Dishonest? Disloyal? Untrusting? How could they possibly think I don't trust them? Come to think of it, I
don't
trust them. They
might
make me work. Now I feel awful. But wait, I'm only imagining this. Phew! They don't really know I can talk.'

Selby put away the ice-cream container and curled up on his mat.

‘Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because I might sleep-talk,' he thought.

Selby looked at the clock.

‘It's three o'clock in the morning. If I fall asleep now I'll sleep till midday. That means that the Trifles will be sitting here while I'm still asleep and they'll hear me if I sleep-talk. I know, I'll just have to sleep outside.'

Just then there was a crack of thunder and the sound of rain bucketing down.

‘Great! There goes that idea. I know, I'll stay up all night. Then I'll go to sleep tomorrow
night when the Trifles go to bed. That way they won't hear me talk in my sleep because they'll be sleeping too.'

Selby waited through the night. He had to keep himself busy because he was so tired. He read some of Mrs Trifle's magazines and then turned the TV on very low. After ten minutes of late-night TV he was almost asleep so Selby decided to go back into the office to do some more work. He was very happy when the sun started to lighten the sky. Finally Dr and Mrs Trifle got up, put some more dog biscuits in Selby's bowl, and sat down to breakfast.

‘Selby doesn't look well,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘No, he doesn't,' Dr Trifle replied, touching Selby's nose.

‘I'm just exhausted,' Selby thought. ‘I've been awake all night.'

‘His eyes look very droopy,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘If only he could tell us what's wrong.'

‘Tell them?' Selby thought. ‘What is she on about?'

‘You're right,' said Dr Trifle. ‘Talk to us, Selby.'

‘Oh, no!' Selby thought. ‘It's true! They do know that I can talk!'

Mrs Trifle got down on her knees in front of Selby and looked him in the eye.

‘Selby Welby,' she said, ‘when are you going to talk to us?'

‘She
does
know!' Selby thought. ‘It's all true! I've got to talk to them now. I'm looking more dishonest, disloyal, and more and more untrusting by the second!'

‘You must have so many things running around in that little head of yours that you're just dying to tell us,' Dr Trifle prompted. ‘Come on — talk.'

Selby straightened up and cleared his throat.

‘Okay, so you know,' he said. ‘To tell you the truth I'm not sick. It's just that I was answering emails for half the night and then I was afraid I'd talk in my sleep so I stayed awake.'

Dr and Mrs Trifle reeled back in shock.

‘You talked!' they both screamed at once.

‘I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner,' Selby said.

‘Did you hear that?' Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle. ‘Actual words — English words — were coming out of his mouth.'

‘I can't believe it!' Mrs Trifle shrieked. ‘Selby is a talking dog!'

‘But you knew that already,' Selby said.

‘We did?' Dr and Mrs Trifle said together.

‘Of course, you heard me talk in my sleep. Why else would you have asked me to talk to you?'

‘We didn't know you could talk,' Dr Trifle said. ‘You're a pet. We just talked to you the way people talk to their pets sometimes: like you were a person.'

‘We were just kidding,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘We were pretending you were human. We had no idea.'

‘Oh,' Selby said, meekly. ‘I guess you know now.'

‘We certainly do!' Mrs Trifle said, picking up the telephone. ‘Oh, Selby, this is wonderful!'

‘No, wait!' Selby said. ‘You're not going to tell anyone else, are you?'

‘Of course I am. This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened! Surely you can't expect us to keep quiet about it?'

‘Well I was sort of hoping —'

‘Hello? International Television? Boy, do I have a story for you! This is Mrs Trifle the
former
mayor of Bogusville. I just found out that my dog, Selby, can talk. No, this is serious. See for
yourself. But get here quickly if you want to break the story because I'll be ringing other TV networks. Oh, and by the way, bring lots of cash. This is going to cost you.'

Click.

‘
Former
mayor?' Dr Trifle said. ‘But you're still the mayor.'

‘I've just quit!
Whooooppppeeeee!'
Mrs Trifle screamed. ‘I'm Selby's agent now. And we're going to make squillions!'

Mrs Trifle scooped Selby up in her arms and gave him a big kiss.

‘I really don't want anyone to know,' Selby said.

‘Then you shouldn't have told us,' Dr Trifle said.

‘I don't want fame,' Selby said very sadly, ‘and I don't want you to put me to work.'

‘Work?'

‘Yes, like around the house.'

‘Come to think of it,' Mrs Trifle said, ‘there's some yucky stuff down behind the fridge. You might just fit. I'll get a sponge and some soapy water.'

‘Darling, how can you even think of that?' Dr Trifle said. ‘Especially when there's washing
up and beds to be made — and the kitchen floor hasn't been mopped for ages.'

‘Oh, woe,' Selby said. ‘This is exactly what I was afraid of.'

‘Well, you are living in our house,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘We do feed you and look after you. I mean, you can't expect a free ride now that we know you can talk.'

‘Yes, Selby,' Dr Trifle said. ‘You wouldn't want to get a reputation for being lazy, would you?'

‘I don't think I'd mind that,' Selby said, feebly.

That day Selby's worst nightmare came true. Those wonderful people, the Trifles, couldn't resist telling everyone. Soon there were television reporters queueing up to ask him things like:

‘What's it like being a talking dog?'

‘I don't know. I guess it's like being a talking person. Only furrier.'

‘How did you learn to talk?'

‘From watching TV.'

‘Really? Which channel were you watching?'