Seeking Her (5 page)

I did push-ups until my arms ached, and then I switched to sit-ups.

By the time I crawled back into bed for the night, I wasn’t thinking about Kelsey or alcohol or the past. I was only thinking about sleep.

6

T
HE NEXT EVEN
ING
I followed Kelsey to the train station. As we approached, I immediately raised my guard.

It was just after midnight. Gara de Nord loomed ahead of us, but as we got closer, I couldn’t help but pick out the dilapidated buildings that dotted the street. I was used to seeing a lot of people out and about, considering Kelsey frequented late-night businesses, but these streets showed a different side of city life. A man lay curled up on his side next to a metal trash can. I saw Kelsey pause, and mentally urged her to keep going. He was likely harmless, but these streets were dotted with beggars, and I’d read enough of my guidebook to know they were likely to try and take advantage of Kelsey if she acknowledged them.

After a few seconds, she kept walking, her eyes fixed on the train station up ahead. A few people called out at her as she walked past, but she kept her eyes forward. I breathed a sigh of relief, glad at least that I didn’t have to worry about her behaving recklessly when she was sober.

Inside the station, the atmosphere was much less tense. It was still fairly busy, with a few shops and fast-food restaurants still open for business.

I took a risk standing behind her in line, but I needed to know where she was going, and this was my best shot. She had a Eurail pass, as did I, which covered travel to most places in Europe. But if she was at the ticket counter that meant wherever we were going wasn’t covered.

I was fairly certain she wouldn’t recognize me from the night before. I didn’t think she’d ever really looked at me, but I kept my baseball cap pulled low over my eyes just in case. She stepped up to the ticket counter, her Eurail pass and passport in hand.

I tried to listen for a clue to where she was going, but the attendant’s voice was muffled by the glass, and with her back to me, I couldn’t understand what Kelsey was saying either. I fidgeted, tapping my passport against my palm, trying to decide the best way to handle this. I could always wait and see what platform she went to, and then come back and buy my ticket based on that. But I didn’t know how early she had arrived and didn’t want to risk missing the train. The attendant next to Kelsey finished with her customer and beckoned me forward.

I hesitated. Standing next to Kelsey was riskier than standing behind her. And what if she’d already said her destination and I couldn’t figure it out?

The attendant called out to me.

Panicked, I turned to the person behind me and said, “Go ahead. I need to, uh . . .” I held up my phone as an explanation.

I don’t think the person behind me spoke English, but when I gestured for him to pass me again, he did.

Kelsey handed over some cash to the attendant, and he handed her a ticket in exchange. After retrieving her change, she nodded and then walked away. Her attendant waved me forward, and I hesitated for just a moment, making sure Kelsey was out of hearing range.

“Same as my friend in front of me,” I said.

“Excuse me?” the man asked, his accent thick.

“I’m with the girl you just helped.”

“Ah,” the man nodded. I just hoped he didn’t look behind me to see that Kelsey was long gone because that would certainly make him suspicious. “As I told her, there are no more sleepers for this train, only regular seats.”

“That’s fine.”

“I also can’t get you beside her. The nearest seat is a few rows back.”

“That’s great,” I said a little too quickly. I hadn’t thought about what would have happened if he’d sat me right beside her. But for once, the universe seemed on my side.

“All the way to Belgrade, yes?”

I nodded. “Yes, that’s right.” Where was Belgrade again? Serbia?

Just for once, it would be great if Kelsey would choose a country that I knew at least a little bit about.

I handed over a credit card in exchange for the tickets.

It looked like we’d be changing trains twice, both times in Bulgaria before heading into Serbia.

At least tonight would be a change of routine from our regular nighttime adventures.

M
Y BREAK FROM
the clubs, however, was short-lived. As a city, Belgrade wasn’t the most visually attractive place we’d been to so far. Most of the buildings were boxy and gray. But as it turned out, Belgrade was like the Eastern European epicenter of clubbing or something. That’s where the city really hit its stride.

Unfortunate for me.

The first night we hit a place near Kelsey’s hostel (this time, I went back to my original method of staying nearby). It wasn’t dissimilar from the places Kelsey had visited so far, but everything about the place was louder—the music, the neon, the outfits. It was like the dial had been turned up on everything.

Including the women. I had never seen so many beautiful women in my life. Most of them were almost as tall as me (especially considering that nearly all were wearing heels). They had long dark hair, tanned skin, and a penchant for revealing clothing. I wasn’t sure if that was just because of the summer heat or the style. Either way, I wasn’t complaining. And when Kelsey started dressing to match, she definitely got her fair share of attention.

Her pale head stood out in the sea of dark skin and hair, and I watched men’s eyes follow her everywhere we went.

The men . . . well, they made it pretty easy for me to blend in. I’d say more than half of them had buzz cuts like mine. I fit in so easily that people were shocked when they realized I was American.

On our second day in Belgrade, I spent the afternoon hoping Kelsey would find something else to do that night.

I’d hit my one-year mark and adopted a Serbian dinar as a replacement for the chip I would have gotten if I were back home. If there was ever a night that I deserved to have free of temptation, this was it. I’d thought reaching this milestone would make things easier. I could only liken it to climbing a cliff just to stand at the top and discover another one stretching up in front of you.

Was this what every year would feel like? Was this what the rest of my life would feel like? One goddamn cliff after another?

I wanted to do absolutely nothing. I wanted to hide out in my hotel room, in the dark, and maybe break a few things. But when Kelsey stepped out of her hostel that night in a glittering black strapless dress, I knew I wasn’t going to get my wish. I pulled on some leather shoes and a button-up shirt. That was about as dressed-up as I was willing to get at the moment.

We bypassed the clubs near the hostel and headed for the river. I stayed a few blocks back, far enough that, if Kelsey turned around and looked, she wouldn’t be able to make out much except the fact that I was a man. I kept my hand on my phone in case she turned and I lost track of her (which I did, twice).

When I found her the second time, I very nearly blew my cover. I was about to round a corner when I heard her voice. I stopped short, then edged closer and peered around a building to see her pacing along the sidewalk, talking on the phone.

When she turned her back to me, I slipped out onto the sidewalk and stood next to a bus stop. I could see her when she faced my direction, but the stop hid me decently well.

She said, “Things are fantastic, Bliss. I can’t even tell you how much fun I’m having.”

Her voice was enthusiastic, but there was a longing on her face that bordered on sadness as she spoke.

“Belgrade,” she said after a pause. “No, honey. It’s in Serbia. I’ll get to London, eventually. Why? Do you want me to bring home a British boyfriend like yours so we can have accent-filled double dates?”

She laughed at something the other person said, and then pressed a hand to her chest like she was feeling for her own heartbeat.

“I miss you, too.”

For a moment, that natural light that seemed to accompany her everywhere dimmed. I thought that if I were to try to draw her now, I’d
finally
be able to capture her. It was the longing in her face. That’s what I’d been missing.

“Oh, you know me. I like to be the life of the party. Speaking of which, I should get back to it. Sorry I woke you up. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll call again soon.” She nodded, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth. She choked on a laugh that sounded closer to a sob. “Yeah, all the juicy stories. I promise. Yeah, good luck with the move. Everything is going to be great. I know it.”

She hung up, and stood staring at the phone for a few seconds. She looked as if all the energy had been siphoned out of her and she was running on empty.

She closed her eyes and tilted her head up toward the sky, letting her hand with the phone drop down to her side. She sucked in a few quick breaths like she was trying not to cry, and then abruptly dropped into a crouch.

In her short dress and heels, she looked as if she were trying to curl into a ball right there on the street. She rested her elbows on her knees and threaded her fingers through her hair, and I very nearly went to her.

I’d suspected something was wrong. Known it even. But could it be that simple? If she missed someone back home, why was she here? Why keep putting herself through all this?

I was dying to know.

Just when I was about to step out from the bus stop’s shadow, she stood, that empty expression gone from her face. She took a deep breath, shook her head, and pasted on a smile as if stepping onto a stage.

Then she turned and began walking again. I did what I always did. I followed.

When she approached the river and began walking down a ramp toward a giant boat, I sped up my walk. I was halfway down the ramp when she met who I assumed were bouncers, based on their dress and size. She opened a little black bag for them to inspect, and I joined the line behind her. There were two people between us, and by the time I walked onto the barge to discover a massive floating club, I’d lost her in the crowd.

Out on the river, it seemed about ten degrees cooler, but I took one look at the thicket of bodies and knew that coolness wasn’t going to last.

I donned a scowl, and began squeezing my way through the throngs of people. My little GPS app did jack shit in a place like this. It wasn’t exactly conducive to helping me find Kelsey in a sea of outrageously tall Serbians.

If I could just catch a glimpse of her . . . She should be easy to spot, but there were too many people.

After an hour of squeezing through nonexistent gaps on the dance floor, I started to worry. That phone call had done something to her. Made her emotional. And if I knew anything, it was that partying and emotions could be a combustible pair.

I checked my phone again, and as best as I could tell, Kelsey was still on the barge.

There were bar tables set up around the perimeters with waiters, and it was tempting to park myself there and wait. I edged closer to one of them, but by the look of it, you had to order drinks to keep the table. I didn’t trust myself to order a drink just for show.

But being on the perimeter, I caught a glimpse of one of the waitresses opening up a heavy velvet curtain to what I assumed was a VIP room. She pushed the curtain behind a hook to keep it open while she entered the room with a tray of drinks.

I caught my first glimpse of Kelsey.

She was dancing alone in front of a muscular guy with a permanent scowl. Her hands drifted through her hair, pulling it up and off her neck, and she carried on dancing as though she weren’t the only person in the room doing so. She crooked a finger at the angry dude, and though he leaned forward on his knees to look at her, he didn’t stand to dance.

Kelsey moved closer, walking two fingers across his wide shoulders to coax him into standing. He ran his hands up the back of her legs, gripping her thighs just below the short hem of her glittering dress.

I already hated him.

Eventually, Kelsey managed to charm him up from his seat, and she pulled him past the curtain toward the main dance floor.

She tugged on his hand, smiled, and then faced forward.

That was when her eyes locked on mine.

7

S
HIT.

Her head tilted to the side, and her eyes squinted. I froze. She recognized me. That’s what that expression had to mean. Maybe she hadn’t been as trashed that night in the hostel showers as I thought.

She released the VIP guy’s hand and started down the small set of steps that led to the dance floor.

My heart didn’t hammer. It beat in slow, heavy beats like a bass drum. It had the same kind of echo, too. I could have turned away. It wouldn’t have been hard to melt into the sea of buzz cuts and slip off the boat. She’d be confused for a little while, but eventually she’d assume it was the alcohol or that she’d been imagining it.

That’s what I should have done.

Instead, I kept my feet planted. I pulled my hands from my pockets, flicking my fingers with anticipation. I
wanted
her to see me. If she saw me, I could talk to her. I wasn’t sure what I would say—what I could say that wouldn’t give away who I was and how much I knew about her. But I could finally get some answers. And maybe help give her some comfort, too.

She walked toward me slowly, one heeled foot in front of the other.

When she was a few feet away, she smiled and my heart abandoned it’s slow and steady beat.

This was stupid and crazy and ridiculous.

My body didn’t seem to care about those things.

I sucked in a breath as she stepped up to me and held it in . . . as she slid past me and leaned up to place a kiss on the cheek of an impossibly tall guy with short dark hair.

“
Здраво
!” The word she said sounded like
zdrah-voh,
and based on his reaction, I’d say it was a greeting.

I was positive when he returned, “Hello again, Kelsey.”

I stumbled back, trying to put a bit of distance between us, and tried to place the guy. I didn’t recognize him from the club the night before, so that meant she’d met him when I wasn’t around. Maybe at her hostel. Or earlier in the night when I’d lost her.

The two began talking, but I didn’t hear them over my own berating thoughts about my supreme idiocy.

She laughed, and the guy from VIP grabbed her elbow, tugging her away from the taller guy. I watched her introduce them, calm and cool as though VIP guy wasn’t squeezing her elbow so tightly that it looked painful.

The other guy stepped forward like he was going to do something, but she flashed him a look and then shook her head, laughing. She wrapped an arm around VIP, and it diffused some of his tension.

Now I really hated this guy.

She shot her friend an apologetic look, and then pulled VIP away onto the dance floor.

Before, in the VIP room, she’d danced alone, carefree and vibrant as she always seemed at night, but I could see the cracks in that facade now. She turned her back to him as she danced, and closed her eyes. Her full lips pulled down in a frown, and her jaw clenched like she was struggling to hold something in.

It took me a second to place the expression, but eventually I matched it with her face that first day in the gardens. When she’d said goodbye to the guy she’d been with in the woods, I’d been seated on the stairs watching. She’d passed me, heading off into the woods. But before she passed me on the stairs, I caught her expression as she climbed the stairs. She had a smooth, angular face, but somehow then it had looked almost caved in by exhaustion.

She looked the same now.

From song to song, even that expression disappeared until she was blank, like that first faceless sketch I’d made of her.

Eventually, she pulled away from the guy she was dancing with, only to have him pull her back in, his hands possessive claws at her waist.

She smiled, her blank face long gone. Gesturing off to the left, she peeled his arms from her waist. She held out one finger like she’d be right back, but there was an angry sag to his mouth. She reached up and kissed that gash of a mouth, and he let her go, watching as she wove across the floor to the hall where the bathrooms were located.

I didn’t think as I moved toward him.

I just remembered his ugly frown, and the way he’d gripped her elbow.

Standing in front of him, he paid me no mind, still watching her disappear down the bathroom hallway.

“Go back to your room upstairs.”

He turned toward me, and said, “What?”

“Leave her alone.”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. He turned and started off in the direction that Kelsey had gone.

“Hey, I’m serious.” I grabbed his shoulder and spun him back around. “Leave her the fuck alone.”

“She have a golden pussy or something? Is that why everyone wants her?”

“She doesn’t have anything where you’re concerned. You’re going to be gone when she comes back.”

“No, asshole. You will.”

That was really all the provocation I needed. I’d been itching to break something since this morning, and this guy had irked me from the moment I saw him. Maybe I couldn’t hold a real one-year chip in my hand to distract me, but his face against my knuckles should do the trick.

He shoved my hand off his elbow, and I let him. Only then I brought it back in a fist and rammed it as hard as I could across his jaw.

Pain burst across my knuckles, followed by a shot of adrenaline that burned up my veins and set a fire in my chest. He swung back at me, and I ducked, ramming my shoulder up into his midsection. He coughed out a breath, and stumbled backward, his sagging mouth now an ugly, gaping hole.

He spit, and then came raging back at me. His punch was slow, and I leaned back, letting it pass in front of my face. I threw a left cross, letting my hips and shoulder push through until impact.

He went down hard, carving out a hole on the dance floor as he sprawled out beneath the flashing neon lights.

It felt fantastic. Until I turned around to find the bouncer who had been stationed out front when I came on board.

I
WAS NURSING
a bruised jaw and a busted lip of my own, courtesy of the bouncer, when my own phone rang. I was hanging out just down the riverbank from the club, keeping an eye out for Kelsey, and I hit answer.

“Hello?” I closed my eyes against the sting of my split lip and heard Kelsey’s father on the other end.

“Hunt?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I didn’t expect you to answer.”

“Why not, sir?”

“It’s four in the morning there, isn’t it?”

So it was. He was becoming accustomed to Kelsey’s altered schedule.

“I’m a light sleeper,” I answered.

“Good. Where are you now?”

“Belgrade, sir.”

“Where the hell is that?”

“Serbia, sir.”

“Why in the world is she in Serbia? What do you even do in Serbia?”

I really didn’t think he wanted to know. “Sightseeing. The usual.”

“That stupid girl is going to wind up kidnapped or something, and I’m not paying the ransom just because she decided to go off gallivanting in Third World countries.”

I winced. Serbia might have been a little rough around the edges, but it was far from Third World. I knew that from experience. And though I didn’t think Mr. Summers was serious about not paying a ransom, it didn’t make me any more inclined to spill Kelsey’s secrets to the guy.

“She’s not going to get kidnapped. Serbia is much safer now than it was a few decades ago. Belgrade especially is as safe as most other European capitals. And I’m watching out for her. She’s fine.”

“When’s she coming home? That’s what I want to know.”

“I don’t know, sir. I don’t really get close enough to her to have a conversation.”

Ignoring that moment tonight when I’d wanted to.

I added, “You could always call her. Let her know you’re worried. Maybe she’ll come home sooner or choose a more
familiar
destination.”

She clearly missed home.

Mr. Summers only gave a low grunt in response.

“Just don’t let her pull any stupid stunts.”

“Stunts, sir?”

He sighed, exasperated. “She’s dramatic, like her mother. She does something stupid, and then always finds someone else to take the blame. She’ll come home pregnant or gay and it will be my fault.”

“How would that be your fault, sir?”

“It wouldn’t be. It would be yours.”

Now
I
was holding back a sigh.

“Of course, sir.”

“Good. Good night.”

He didn’t wait for my reply before he hung up, and maybe I was still looking for a fight, but I really didn’t like him either.

I wanted to be relieved when Kelsey left the club a few minutes later without VIP guy, but that deflated look was back, and that didn’t make me feel any better.

I followed her as she walked home alone, actively fighting the urge to jog up to her side and say hello.

There were a lot of things I didn’t know about Kelsey Summers. But I did know that I was getting really tired of living on the sidelines.