Seek Me With All Your Heart (22 page)

And I want to stay friends with you. But I can hardly be around you without wanting to kiss you.”

She stopped and held her breath, waiting for him to go on.

“Can’t you see that? I want to kiss you so bad right now, I can hardly stand it. But we can’t be anything more than friends, and I’m not gonna lead you on and hurt you like that. I can’t spend any more time alone with you.”

He spun around and headed out of the barn. Emily stared after him, her mouth hanging open.

KATIE ANN WAS sure that Beth Ann and Jacob’s wedding was the reason Ivan had reached out to her the night before. Fol owing their intimacy, she’d dared to hope that everything would be al right.
What happened between last night and this morning?

Now, barely daylight, she blocked the front door in an effort to keep Ivan from leaving. She couldn’t stop the trail of tears pouring down her face, even when she thought she couldn’t cry anymore. Disgrace, shame, and failure surged through her heart. Even though Ivan refused to admit it, Katie Ann knew that Lucy had something to do with this, and her heart was fil ed with anger toward this
Englisch
woman she barely knew.

“Ivan, please . . .” she tried one last time. “What about last night? I don’t understand!” Katie Ann tried to make sense of what was unfolding before her.

Ivan buttoned his coat, put on his best black hat, then picked up his packed red suitcase, the one that was under the bed when they’d moved in. “I’m sorry, Katie Ann.”

“That’s al ? I’m sorry.” She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. “Please, Ivan . . .” She was begging, and more shame engulfed her.

“I’m sorry, Katie Ann. There is enough money in the bank to get you by for several months until you figure out what you would like to do, and of course . . .

the house and property are paid for.” His eyes fil ed with tears. “You can have everything, but I have to go.”

“But I want
you
, Ivan.”

Her husband hung his head for a moment, then turned and left.

When the door closed behind him, she dropped to her knees. “Why, Lord? What have I done that is so terrible that I must endure such pain? I can’t have any children to love, and now I have no husband. Why, Lord? How can this be Your wil for me?” She rol ed onto her side in a fetal position and pul ed her knees to her chest as loneliness and despair overtook her. “Please, God . . .”

She stayed in that position for a very long time, thankful that God was the only one who could see her in such a pitiful state. “I’m sorry, Lord,” she said softly. “Sorry that I don’t have more faith.”

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end
.

Katie Ann stopped crying for a moment, slowly rose until she was sitting up, and brushed a tear from her cheek.
Jeremiah 29:11
. She placed one hand on her heart and took a deep breath as she speculated about why that particular Bible verse came to mind at that very moment.
To give you an expected
end
.

Nothing in her life was going as she expected. It was fal ing apart. She pul ed herself up, then brushed the wrinkles from her dark blue dress and walked to the window. Ivan’s taxi had rounded the corner long ago. He was gone. Her husband of twenty years had walked out on their marriage, given up. And Katie Ann could never remarry. That’s how it was, according to the
Ordnung
, and Katie Ann tried to mental y prepare herself for a life even lonelier than she could have imagined possible.

She watched the sun set, leaving a misty glow atop the packed snow.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you . . . an expected end
.

The scripture kept echoing in Katie Ann’s mind, and she sighed, knowing that the Lord wanted only the best for her.
But how can this be the best? I
wish I knew what thoughts You think toward me, what plans You have for me
.

She knew that God only had thoughts of peace for her, but she couldn’t even begin to think how she would ever feel peace when such loneliness threatened to suffocate her to death. As she stood at the window watching an orange glow peek above the mountains, she realized
.
.
. she’d been lonely for a very long time.

Katie Ann sat there for a few minutes until she understood that she knew her expected end. To be with the Lord in heaven for al eternity. How she gets there is in God’s hands, in His time, even if it isn’t the path she’s chosen for herself. But knowing it to be true was one thing; accepting it right now, on this day, at this moment was almost impossible. She could stil breathe in Ivan’s freshly bathed scent, the homemade soap he’d bathed with for al the years they’d been together.

“Help me, Lord, to trust Your plan for me. Give me strength.” She buried her face in her hands again after saying the words aloud, knowing it was going to be a long night as she slept in her bed alone for the first time in twenty years.

Twelve

TIME DRAGGED BY AFTER JACOB AND BETH ANN’S wedding. A couple of good weather days preceded an onslaught of heavy snow that kept folks indoors for several days, and once again they’d missed community worship. But today was a much better day, with no snow in the forecast.

Emily clasped the thick brown blanket tightly around her, holding both ends close to her chest with one hand and the reins with the other. She hadn’t seen Martha since the wedding, and
Mamm
said that since it was Christmas Eve, Emily needed to take Martha a hearty supply of rhubarb jam and invite her and Mr. Becker to their family’s Second Christmas.

She hadn’t seen David or any of his family since the wedding either, but her mother said they would be coming for Second Christmas. Al of them, that is, except Ivan. Emily had been shocked to hear that Katie Ann’s husband had left her. She’d enjoyed meeting David’s aunt and uncle at the wedding, but even though she didn’t know the couple, she sensed a problem between them. Stil , she would have never guessed that it was a problem large enough for Ivan to leave his wife. That just didn’t happen among the Amish.

Emily’s thoughts turned to David, as they always did, but she scowled as she remembered his last words to her. She liked it better when she could focus on the kiss they’d shared, but that sweet moment was now fol owed by bitterness. Thankful y, Emily kept busy at the dry goods store. She felt more comfortable tending the store by herself these days, which freed Jacob up to get his own home in order, though he stil spent five or six hours at the store each day. But when it came time for Jacob to ready his fields for planting, the plan was for Beth Ann to start working at the store.
Daed
said this first year would be a learning experience as they planted crops that could endure colder temperatures for much longer than in Ohio and Pennsylvania. Emily had heard Samuel Stoltzfus agree with her father at Jacob’s wedding that it was going to be a learning year for al of them.

Emily parked the buggy in front of Martha’s house and noticed right away that things looked different. For starters, the snow was cleared from the walkway, and she didn’t remember seeing the smal sign on a stick that said WELCOME FRIENDS before either. She smiled as she recal ed Martha meeting Mr. Becker and then accompanying him to Jacob and Beth Ann’s wedding.

She knocked on the door and waited, holding a gift bag with a Christmas tree on the front and six jars of rhubarb jam inside. Emily wasn’t sure why her mother had purchased decorative bags with Christmas trees on the front, since putting up a tree was not Amish tradition, but
Mamm
couldn’t resist a sale at the store. Once, she’d purchased Levi a pair of boxer briefs because they were half price—boxer briefs with red hearts al over them. “No one wil see them,”
Mamm
had said with a shrug. Emily couldn’t recal ever seeing the boxers in the wash basket.

Mamm
had gril ed her repeatedly about David, to the point that Emily had yel ed at her just yesterday.
If Daed had heard .
. . She grimaced when she thought about what her father’s reaction would have been. Emily knew better than to be so disrespectful.

Emily heard the doorknob turn. When the door opened, Emily was speechless for a moment. This didn’t look like the Martha she knew. Her hair was pul ed up into a neat twist instead of heaped atop her head in a matted mess of curls loosely secured with a butterfly clip. The bright red lipstick she usual y wore was gone. She was hardly wearing much makeup at al , and her red knee-length dress was lovely and conservative.

“Cat got your tongue?” Martha thrust her hands on both hips.

Emily smiled.
Definitely Martha
.

“Merry Christmas, Martha.”

“I hope that’s rhubarb jel y in that bag.” Martha’s eyes lit up as she pushed the door open and motioned Emily in.

“
Ya
, it is.” She handed the bag to Martha. “Mmm. Smel s like cookies in here.” Emily glanced around Martha’s den and saw festive Christmas decorations throughout, including a lighted tree in the corner. Everything was clean, and Martha had a cozy fire going.

“Hel o, Elvis.” Emily walked to the cage.

“Hel o,” the bird replied. “Merry Christmas.”

Emily laughed out loud. “You too, Elvis.”

Martha walked to Elvis’s cage. “I taught him that just this morning,” Martha said proudly as she reached in to pet the bird. Then Martha leaned down and put her lips on the bird’s snout just inside the rails of the cage. “You are so smart, Elvis. Do you know how much I love you?”

“I love you, Martha,” the bird said back. Emily watched Martha’s eyes haze over, but she quickly blinked back any tears.

Martha stood up straight, patted the cage, and the hint of a smile crossed her face. “I’ve had that bird for nineteen years.”

“What? You never told us that.” Emily’s jaw dropped. “That’s amazing!”

Martha smiled proudly. “Yep. Elvis is amazing. Bet ya didn’t know that he’l outlive me. Parrots live eighty to a hundred years if they are properly cared for.” She leaned down to Elvis again and stroked his nose. “And my Elvis is very wel taken care of.”

Emily turned toward Martha’s Christmas tree, which was covered with varying sizes of red and gold bal s, and saw a few presents underneath.

“Mostly for Elvis,” Martha said when she saw Emily eyeing the gifts. Then she walked toward the tree and retrieved a shoe-sized box wrapped in blue paper with snowmen. “This is for you folks.”

Emily raised a brow. “Thank you, Martha.” Then she snapped her finger. “
Ach
, I almost forgot.
Mamm
wanted me to invite you for Second Christmas on Wednesday.”

“Huh?” Martha twisted her mouth from side to side. “How many Christmases do you people have?”

Emily giggled. “We celebrate Christmas with our immediate family on Christmas Day, but Second Christmas, the day after, we visit with extended family and friends.
Mamm
wil make a big dinner at noon, but instead of turkey—since we just had it on Christmas Day—she’l make a pot roast and several different casseroles.” She paused, remembering her mother’s instructions. “Mr. Becker is invited too.”

“You tel your mother I appreciate the offer.” Martha stood tal , then reached up and patted the twist on top of her head. “And I love a good pot roast, so I’m sure Arnold and I wil be there.”

“That’s great.” Emily grinned. “Sure looks fancy and pretty in here. You got plans for Christmas Eve tonight?”

Martha raised her chin. “Not that it’s any of your business
.
.
.” She grinned. “But yes. Arnold and I are spending the evening together.”

“That’s nice.” Emily folded her gloved hands in front of her, realizing that she hadn’t exactly been invited to stay. “I heard Mr. Becker say he doesn’t have any family. Has he always lived here?”

“You might as wel sit down. I see you’re ful of questions.” Martha looked at her watch. “He won’t be here for another hour.” She sat down in her rocker, which was stil so near the table she jostled it when she took her seat, causing the lamp to teeter. She reached out and steadied it without looking at it.

Emily took off her coat and bonnet, sat down on the couch, and folded the garments in her lap. She waited for Martha to go on.

“Arnold said he’s never been married.” She paused. “Isn’t that something?”

Emily nodded.

“I was married once,” Martha said after a few moments.

“Real y? I didn’t know that. You never mentioned that to me or David. Do you have
kinner
?”

“Huh?”

“Sorry. Children.
Kinner
means children in Pennsylvania Dutch.”

“No. My Herbert and I never had any kids. We always wanted some, but it just didn’t happen.” She looked to her left. “Instead, we had Elvis, who did indeed outlive Herbert.” Martha sighed. “Herbert just dropped dead one day. Heart attack.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It was a few years ago.” Martha gazed at the Christmas tree, seeming far away, and the flickering lights shone on her face.

After a few moments, Emily said, “Your cookies smel
gut
.”

Martha chuckled. “I didn’t learn much about cooking while you were here, Emily, but I figure even I should be able to make some cookies.”

“I’m sure they’l be wonderful.”

Martha bit her lip as she rubbed her chin. “Your people have a strong faith in the Lord, don’t you?”

“
Ya
. We do.”

Martha let out a deep breath. “So does Arnold.” She frowned as she spoke.

Emily wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t her place to minister to anyone, so she just nodded.

“So, what makes a good Christian, Emily? Gotta go to church every Sunday?” Martha crossed one leg over the other and shifted her weight.

“I—I think a
gut
Christian tries to be the best person they can. They give unselfishly to others, worship God, believe Jesus to be our Savior, and, for us—we believe that everything that happens is God’s wil . Even the bad things.”

Emily heard herself say the words, and guilt flooded over her for al the times she’d questioned God’s wil the past few months.