Seeing Your Face Again (43 page)

Alvin pulled to a stop beside the barn. Emery came out to help
him unhitch. The people were kind to him today. Not that he had expected otherwise, but the
bann
hung over his head. If he stayed for the noon meal, the scene wouldn't be pretty. He would have to sit by himself in some corner. But it was the way it was done.

Emery greeted him with a warm smile. “Back home are you?”

“For now.” Alvin let the comment stand, and Emery seemed satisfied. He held the shafts as Alvin led his horse forward. He didn't feel up to further explanations, and Emery didn't seem curious enough to ask more questions. Emery stayed behind as Alvin took his horse into the barn.

Last night Alvin hadn't given his
mamm
and
daett
much explanation for his return. They had their own opinion on the matter, he was sure, and he didn't want to start a disagreement. Their version was
gut
enough for now. They thought Melvin's death had brought him home. The truth was that Melvin's death had affected him, but he'd been ready to return anyway. This had provided a better reentry point than he'd dared hope for. The community people liked to understand things, and when he arrived at Melvin's funeral the turn of events made a lot of sense to them. They thought the same as his parents did. He could tell by the looks they'd given him all day and by the occasional whisper he overheard.

“Thank
Da Hah
some
gut
is coming out of this tragedy.”

“
Yah
, I think Melvin would be glad to see it.”

Alvin's
mamm
had written on Wednesday night with the news of Melvin's death, and the letter had been in his mailbox on Friday evening when he arrived home early from work. He'd rushed about and caught the Greyhound Bus to Mifflinburg. He arrived by taxi at his
mamm
and
daett
's place in the early morning hours.

They hadn't appeared surprised by his appearance. They'd assumed Melvin's tragic death had pushed him to think about the condition of his own soul. Alvin figured they hoped he wanted to repent and seek peace with the community. They were right in that he did want peace. And he did want a new start. None of which would be easy, but he had to begin somewhere. If he accepted the
shame of being in the
bann
in public like he had accepted it from his parents this morning, that would be the first step.

As much as he wanted to see and speak with Debbie, it was best if she weren't here to see his first humiliation in front of the community. Tomorrow there would be a repeat if he went to the services. And,
yah
, he would go, but by then the first blush of the shame would have worn down. The stares wouldn't be quite as intense nor would the emotions rise in his chest quite so severely. When Debbie saw his disgraced condition, she would have to decide what she wanted to do. She had plenty of reasons to never speak with him again. Regardless of that, Alvin was back to stay. He would not run again. Out there in the world was much worse than anything the community had for him. Crystal, with her kind looks and pleasing personality, had made that clear. Much sorrow and anguish lay hidden beneath the surface.

Alvin caught his breath when Deacon Mast stepped out from the shadows of the barn.

The deacon stuck out his hand in greeting. “
Gut
to see you back, Alvin. Are you staying for the noon meal?”

Alvin swallowed hard. The deacon was doing his duty, and this wasn't easy for either of them. Deacon Mast had a tense look on his face as Alvin answered, “
Yah
, I planned to.”

Deacon Mast put his hands in his pockets. “You know, of course, Alvin, that…well…you'll have to sit by yourself. You're in the
bann
, you know.”

“I know.” Alvin nodded. “It's okay. I want to make peace with the community.”

Deacon Mast's countenance lightened considerably. “You'll be at the ministers' meeting tomorrow morning then? We have the baptismal class, so they will have to listen in. It will be a
gut
lesson for all of them—seeing a man repent.” Deacon Mast looked intently at Alvin. “So we can speak in detail then tomorrow? With the other ministers? You'll be there?”

Alvin tried to keep the dismay from his face. He would have to
confess his sins in front of the baptismal class. This was almost too much shame to bear. Then he'd eventually have to confess in front of the entire community. Alvin worked at the lump in his throat. “I'll be there.”

Deacon Mast almost glowed. “You'll not regret this decision, Alvin. Peace in one's heart cannot be purchased at any price. Only
Da Hah
can give it when we change our ways and make our things right with our fellow man. Melvin would be glad to see you doing this.”

Alvin hesitated. His mind whirled with the knowledge that Debbie would hear all his sins spoken out loud tomorrow morning. Alvin finally found his voice again. “I planned to come back soon, so it wasn't just Melvin's passing. But before my plans to return were finalized, I got the letter from
Mamm
…”

Deacon Mast slapped Alvin on the back. “I understand, son. We'll make things as easy for you as possible. Believe me, I'll do my part. Your
mamm
and
daett
need you back home. The farm's a mess, which you may or may not know about. You'll receive a great welcome from everyone—after you make things right, of course.”

“I understand,” Alvin said. Someone was walking past them with a horse, and Alvin didn't wish anyone to overhear this conversation.

“I will go in and personally see that a table is set aside for you.” Deacon Mast didn't wait for an answer. He headed toward the house.

Alvin had no option but to follow. He would rather have sneaked into the house, but there really was no way to sneak around anyway. He was in the
bann
, and might as well have bright city lights flashing from the top of his head.

The deacon made a beeline across the lawn, not pausing to speak with anyone. Alvin felt the skin under his collar grow warmer with each step, but he stayed with the deacon as they entered the house. Deacon Mast motioned toward a bench with his hand. “Sit back there for now.”

Benches had been set up in the living room, and a line of people were already filing past the big dining room table where the younger
girls dished out the food cafeteria style. Several of them looked up at him.

Alvin ducked his head and moved to the far corner of the room.

Deacon Mast took his place in the food line, and everyone knew what his plans were. The plate of food the deacon filled wouldn't be for himself, otherwise he would have his
frau
by his side as they went through the line.

Alvin kept his gaze downward. No one made any move to approach him or sit beside him. They couldn't. He was in the
bann.
He fidgeted until Deacon Mast came across the living room with a plate of food. It looked
gut
, but Alvin wasn't sure he could get a single bite down. There were small children seated nearby. Most of them were staring at him openly. At least the adults were too well mannered for any lengthy looks.

“Here you are!” Deacon Mast announced. “It's already been prayed over.”

“Thank you,” Alvin said. He set the plate on his lap and stuck the fork into the potato salad. Slowly he lifted the fork to his mouth. He chewed and followed it with a bite of baloney sandwich. He was hungry and that helped. He would live through this, he told himself. Already the children had lost interest. Most of them had turned their attention back to their own plates. By the time he was halfway through, even the adults seemed wrapped in their own deep conversations.

Alvin gulped the last bites and took the plate to the kitchen where some of the women were already busy washing dishes. Bishop Beiler's
frau
, Saloma, gave him a warm smile and whispered, “I'm glad you're back, Alvin.”

“How's Ida doing?” Alvin ventured. It didn't seem
gut
manners to ignore that question now that she'd made the effort to speak with him.

A shadow crossed Saloma's face. “She's cut to the heart. Ida loved Melvin, but
Da Hah
has His ways. He knows best.”

“
Yah
,” Alvin agreed. He repeated the words he'd heard since childhood. “Even when we don't understand.”

“Melvin would be glad to see you here today.” A kind look crept over Saloma's face. “I hope you plan to stay.”

Alvin nodded and retreated from the kitchen before an explanation came out of his mouth. It would be too cumbersome to explain that he'd already been planning to come home before he heard of Melvin's death. His attempt with the deacon had gone nowhere. He would just let the matter rest.

Alvin returned to the barn and retrieved his horse. Emery didn't show up to help with the buggy, and no one else offered. But it wasn't as if anyone stood around and watched either. He was in the
bann
, and most of the people would need to be cautious about contact with him until the matter was resolved. Well, he would begin that process tomorrow morning. Deacon Mast had made that part easy. Now if he could get past Minister Kanagy he'd have clear waters to sail in.

Alvin twitched the reins and guided his horse down the lane. Twenty minutes later he pulled into his own driveway. His parents' buggy was parked beside the barn, and Alvin glanced toward the house in surprise. Why were they home already? It wasn't their usual routine. Had they been ashamed of the scene they knew would play out at Melvin's place? Had they come straight home from the graveyard? Alvin's shoulders sagged. He hadn't even noticed their early departure. It was high time he paid more attention and perhaps had a long talk with them. He owed them that much. They had questions he needed to answer, and he had things that needed saying.

Alvin unhitched, put his horse in his stall, measured grain into the feed box, and walked to the house. His
mamm
and
daett
were waiting in the living room.

“Sit!” Alvin's
daett
ordered without any wasted time in small talk. “I want to know what's going on with you.”

“Please, Edwin,”
Mamm
begged.

The stern expression on
Daett
's face didn't change. “The silence has been long enough, Helen. I want this explained. Alvin's not barging in here without some explanation. This is still my house, the last I checked.”

“But the funeral was today,”
Mamm
said.

Daett
dismissed the objection with a wave of his hand. He turned his attention to Alvin. “The funeral's over. Have you been speaking with the committee who's now overseeing my farm? Have they lured you back? Made you promises?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,
Daett
.” Alvin felt a chill spread through his body. He was going to stand up for himself, he reminded himself.

“I find that hard to believe.”

But Alvin noticed relief spreading across his
daett
's face.

“Well, then, perhaps you're home to supply some needed support for me,”
Daett
continued. “I never thought the day would come when I'd need any.”
Daett
paused and frowned. “Not that I can't handle things on my own. The committee has things all tied up so I can't move right or left, let alone straight forward. But they will listen if you speak with them for us, Alvin.”

Alvin struggled to keep his voice even. “I'm not on your side,
Daett
. Not when it comes to the farm. You know I have ideas that should improve things around here.”

“Edwin, please, must you do this now?”
Mamm
interjected again.

Daett
didn't hesitate. “Later will make this no easier, Helen.”

Alvin decided he'd better speak his mind. It was now or never.

“
Mamm
wrote me about what's happening to the farm. She asked me to come home, and that's part of the reason I'm here. The other part is that I should never have left in the first place. I'm sorry I did. I'm sorry that I couldn't face the shame of what I knew was coming—once people found out the financial condition of the farm and decided to place part of the blame on me. But I'm back. Today I spoke with Deacon Mast, and I will have my situation straightened
out with the church soon. Beyond that, I'm your son,
Daett. Yah
, I'm hopeful the committee will trust me. But that's because I'll do what they want done. We can save the farm,
Daett
. You know we can. But you need to let me run things.”

“Just like that?”
Daett
leaped to his feet. “You think you'll just take over?”

Alvin swallowed hard. “Is that not better than having someone outside the family running things?”

Alvin waited for confirmation, but his
daett
said nothing. And that was answer enough.
Nee
, they would never see eye-to-eye regarding how to work the farm. Alvin would have to trust that things would change since the committee was keeping an eye on managing the work.