Seeing Clearly (5 page)

"Exactly,
" Joel said.
"I didn't have any rich aunts, but I can tell you right now my feet are going on the couch in my own house."

Joel and I discussed furniture and the placement thereof for a good thirty minutes before we made our way onto the back patio. The pool and everything that surrounded it was like something from the set of Paradise Island. I felt like I'd been whisked away to some tropical paradise. Bruce Willis must not have needed his patio furniture, because unlike the interior of the house, this outdoor area was furnished beautifully.

"Do you get to keep the furniture?" I asked. I figured the answer was yes since Joel had the key to the place.

"Yeah, that was part of the deal. The furniture in the guesthouse was written into the contract too." He pointed to the far side of the pool. There was another house that I hadn't even noticed. It matched the main house architecturally, so I guess I just figured it was all connected. This guesthouse looked to be as big
as the house I grew up in, and my parents raised five kids in that one.

"So there's furniture in there?" I asked.

"I hope there is… I paid for it." Joel was craning his neck to get a peek through one of the windows. "You wanna go check it out?" he asked.

"Of course I want to check it out. I have to see what kind of furniture Bruce Willis picked out," I said. I headed in the direction of the guesthouse with no hesitation at all.

****

Two hours later, Joel and I were still sitting in Bruce Willis' guesthouse, relaxing in the lap of luxury. The two of us weren't strangers to spending time together, and so far, the evening had been really comfortable. I was glad to have the chance to learn more about his work with science and he asked lots of questions about acting.

I could tell he wasn't thrilled when I brought up Paradise Island, but that didn't apply to acting in general. He was quite curious about it as an art form, he just didn't want to hear anything about me doing love scenes, and I could tell he thought that was
all
I did on Paradise Island. There's actually quite a bit more action and drama then there are love scenes, but I wasn't going to try to explain myself to him. Maybe I was just injured by not being good enough for him, and I didn't think he even deserved an explanation from me.

But, geez, it was hard not to speak up and say something. You'd think I was a porn star by the way he talked. Whatever. We'd managed to mostly avoid the topic tonight, and had actually shared an enjoyable couple of hours with each other. Bruce Willis left us a few bottles of wine in the wine rack. We couldn't find a corkscrew or wine glasses, but Joel had one on a Swiss Army knife in the glove compartment of his car, and we decided we could just drink straight out of the bottle. We'd finished off one and were starting on our second when, out of nowhere, he said, "You know I want you, right?"

"Yeah, I can see that." I said with a sarcastic expression like he was just catching on to something totally obvious. I gave him a regretful smile. "Aw, don't feel bad, I really want to jump your bones too. It's too bad we'd never work."

"Remind me why we won't work," he said. His green eyes searched mine with the utmost sincerity.

"You can't ask me questions like that after a bottle of wine… I'm liable to say a bunch of things I don't mean and make all sorts of mistakes."

"I'm feeling like we could stand to make a few mistakes," he said.

This would be so much easier if he wasn't so freaking gorgeous. His thick black hair was wavy enough to have little flips here and there. I wanted so badly to reach up and run my hands through it. He wasn't trying to be seductive with me. He just observed me with a sweet, sincere expression, which included this half-smile that I was really starting to love. I was so turned on, I couldn't think straight.

He must have sensed my attraction. He closed the three feet of space that was between us and cupped my face in his hands. "I'm going to kiss you now," he whispered. His thumbs rubbed my jawline, coaxing me to relax. All I could do was shake my head yes. I tried to say "yes" or "okay" but all that came out was a little whimper.

Maybe I hadn't been fully relaxed when he kissed me at the party. Maybe I was just in the mood to enjoy a good kiss tonight. Either way, Joel's mouth on mine was about the best thing I could imagine at that moment. He was so deliberate with his lips alone, that by the time his tongue touched my mouth, I felt somehow weak and urgent at the same time. He coaxed my mouth open with his tongue… short, gentle licks that let me know he wanted in. I breathed in the smell of sandalwood, and whatever reservations I still had went right out the window. I opened my mouth to him, and his tongue thrust into me.

I'd never in my life been so swept away by the taste of another human being. I couldn't get enough
of him. He kissed me for a long time before he broke the kiss, pulled back, and regarded my face.

"Can I have you?" he asked. The blunt question surprised me, but I didn't even take a second to think about it.

"Yes," I said.

"I'm going to ask you one more time, and if you say yes, there's no turning back. So take a second to think about it. (He paused.) Can I ha—"

"Yes." He stood to his feet and bent down to scoop me into his arms. "Aaahh!" I yelped, feeling a little off balance at being hoisted up so quickly.

"Where are you taking me?"

"The bedroom." For some reason, our relocation brought me back to reality for a second. I wondered if this was a good idea. He looked down at me, and one glance at that face made me remember what an
excellent
idea this was.

"I think I have protection in my wallet, but I'm not positive."

"I think I have something in the bottom of my purse, but it's old and probably has several holes in it."

He smiled and shrugged. "I don’t think I want to use a nasty
, old, bottom of your purse condom with holes."

I laughed. "I don't blame you. You can look and see if you have anything in your wallet, but if not, we can just be careful. And, in case you were
wondering, I'm clean. We had to take blood tests with the physical for the show."

He flinched slightly when I referred to "the show", but just asked, "How do you know
I'm
clean?"

"I don't. But I figure it's a safe guess for someone who appreciates science like you do." He looked at me like he was surprised he actually understood my logic. Still standing, he set me on the huge bed. It was covered in a white goose-down comforter and piled high with pillows.

"Well I am clean too," he said. "Not that you should trust me, but I am." He fished in his wallet to see if he had protection, but came up empty handed. He tossed his wallet onto the bedroom floor. Then he unbuttoned his shirt and tossed that to the floor too.

Thank God for guys who know the value of a good workout routine.
I thought. I knew he'd be hard-bodied because I could feel his muscles underneath his clothes during the times we'd made contact. I didn't know he'd look
this
good. I was smiling at my good fortune. He smiled back at me, melting my insides.

"What are you smiling at?" He was on the bed now, crawling toward me like some sort of big jungle cat. All he had on was a pair of dark jeans that hugged his hips. He looked dangerous. At this moment, I was willing to let this creature eat me alive. I lay back on the bed with my arms stretched over my head. A willing sacrifice.

He lifted my shirt up over my head before slowly removing my jeans. Before I knew it, not a stitch of clothing was separating him and me.

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said.

"I was just about to tell you the same thing." I was writhing with anticipation as he hovered over me. He pressed his hips into mine, letting me feel what he possessed between his legs. I could feel the hard length of him bearing down on me. I couldn't wait any longer. I reached down to take hold of him so I could guide him inside me. He moaned at my touch, which made me burn and ache. I found myself feeling slightly apprehensive but mostly thrilled when I realized how big he was. I carefully placed the swollen head of his cock at my entrance, letting him know I wanted him inside. His hips ground down, forcing a good portion of his length into me in one movement. I cried out.

"Ooohhhhhh."

He got really still. "You okay?"

"Yes I'm okay," I said, though my voice sounded a little weak. "I like the feel of you inside me. I want all of it now."

Joel let out what could only be called a growl before he thrust into me all the way and then began a wonderfully slow rhythm. That rhythm gradually increased, filling me over and over again until I felt like I was free falling. For a few seconds there, the pleasure was overwhelming. He was motionless inside me as I writhed with the rise and fall, then the aftershocks of my orgasm.

Once I came back to my senses, he began to pump into me again, not stopping until he finished what he started out to do. The next few hours were some of the best of my life. We didn't stop after just one time. We went on pleasuring each other until both of us were completely spent… the type of spent where you knew you'd be sore in the morning. I'd never experienced anything like Joel Perrin, and I was a little afraid of what I was getting myself into. It was two in the morning when I looked
at the clock on the nightstand.

Chapter 6

Joel

It was six in the morning when I looked at the clock on the nightstand. I'd fallen asleep with Gretchen in my arms, and now I was in an empty bed. I felt around for her just to make sure, but
she was gone. I turned the lamp on and immediately noticed the handwritten note she'd left.

It read, "Joel, I think we can both agree we had a wonderful evening. Let's leave it at that. Not sure I could continue this sort of thing without complicating it with feelings. I have to work in the morning, and I need a few hours sleep to function, so I called a cab to take me to my car. Please don't take this the wrong way (though it may be a relief) but please don't try to call me. It's just better that way. Take care, Gretchen."

I crumbled the note and threw it across the room as I fell back onto the bed.
Who the hell knows what girls want?
For God's sake, I didn't even know what
I
wanted. Half of me wanted to chalk it up as a fun night and nothing more, and the other half wanted to chase the girl down and never let her out of my sight again. She was definitely under my skin, but stomaching the hazards of her occupation was not an option for me. I was
way
too jealous for that. Gretchen was probably right when she said I should just leave her alone.

I was feeling entirely too confused to go back to sleep, so I decided to hit the gym. Being that it was Saturday, I knew I'd be able to take it easy and make up for the lost sleep if I needed to. I wondered why Gretchen said she had to be at work in her note. I didn't think they filmed on the weekend. I told myself it didn't matter and I needed to get the bloody redhead off my mind. The whole situation was just so much more complicated than it should have been because I'd never experienced a physical connection w
ith anyone like I did with Gretchen last night.

I had to get to the gym. I needed to do about a thousand pushups before I'd feel better.
Prior to reading her note, I was physically spent… but her note left me feeling wound up and pissed off. I rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

I drove away from my new house thinking I'd probably never set foot into that guesthouse again. Doing that would only remind me of last night.

****

The next week was Thanksgiving and w
hen I officially moved into the new house. I squeezed four days work into two, and was done with my workweek by Tuesday afternoon. The movers and delivery guys were in and out of the new place all day Wednesday, and before I knew it, I was waking up on Thanksgiving morning in my new house. As a general rule, I ignored holidays. I didn't have an ideal childhood, and usually the thought of other families getting together and enjoying each other's company only made me frustrated.

But something felt wrong with waking up alone in this big house on a holiday. I resolved to call Celia on the off chance she didn't have Thanksgiving plans. My relationship with Celia was simple. We went out with each other when it worked out for both of us, and neither of us got our feelings hurt if we didn't speak to each other for a week at a time.

Celia and I had slept together a few times, but our relationship always remained uncomplicated afterward. I always use protection with her. In fact, Gretchen was the first and only girl I hadn't used it with.

Gretchen.
It seemed like I was reminded of her every time I turned around.

The guys who
'd installed my television and sound system had Paradise Island (Gretchen's show) playing on the TV. I knew from Rachel that this was Gretchen's character's first week back on the show. Of course, since all the drama centered around her return this week, she was constantly on camera. Every time I glanced at the big screen television, her face was on it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was so beautiful.

If this appearance on the show would have been typical, I th
ought I could handle being in a relationship with her. Since Gretchen's character was just reappearing she wasn't thrown into a romantic situation yet. But I knew what kind of show this was. I knew it wouldn't be long before one of those guys had his tongue in her mouth. I could feel the blood coursing through my veins at the very thought of it. I shook my head free of those thoughts, and decided to call Celia to see what her Thanksgiving plans were.

"Hey Joel, Happy Turkey Day."

"You too. What are you doing today?"

"Nothing. I mean, I'm spending it with my parents. You're welcome to join us. They'd be happy to have you. They have a cook who makes Thanksgiving dinner every year. She's Mexican, but she's actually really good at American cuisine.
Her turkey's to die for. You'd like my parents, too. Oh, that's right, my father said he met you at the golf club."

I wasn't in the mood to be alone, and I
couldn't think of any other places I could crash a Thanksgiving dinner. Rachel and Collin offered earlier in the week to have me come eat with them, but they were going to (of all places) Gretchen's house, and that would be nothing but a big, fat disaster. It had been six days since we spent the night together and I still wasn't feeling like I was able to free her from my thoughts. She absolutely
consumed
my thoughts for the first three days. I was much better about it now, but eating Thanksgiving dinner at her house would have definitely been a mistake.

"Yeah," I said.

"Yeah, you remember my dad, or yeah you want to come over for Thanksgiving?"

"Both."

"Okay good, I'm glad you're coming. I've been wanting my mom to meet you."

For some reason, when it was
my idea
it was fine, but now that
she
wanted me to meet her mom I wasn't so sure. Oh well, I was already committed.

Thanksgiving with Celia and her parents turned out to be more of a disaster than I ever imagined. I gave it my best shot, I really did… I just didn't identify with some people, and Celia's parents were not my idea of fun. They wanted to discuss politics and religion and every other uncomfortable topic on the face of the earth.

Celia's mother was one of those Los Angeles housewives who looked thirty years younger than she was. Celia had followed her father's footsteps. He was also a doctor. Unlike Celia, he didn't help dying children. He had a successful practice as a plastic surgeon in a town where most people were half-plastic. His version of including me in the conversation was to tell me his likes and dislikes about the current version of silicone breast implants. He asked if I had any interest in tweaking them chemically to try to create the perfect implant. I thought I could probably experiment a little bit, but wouldn't on the sheer fact that I didn't care to have him as a business partner.

I was happy to have
not
spent Thanksgiving alone but I was sort of sad too. Until tonight, I had a little hope in the back of my mind that Celia could be the type of person I wanted to marry. But I just couldn't see myself becoming part of that family. The whole environment had a falseness that I couldn't overlook. For most of the night, I'd been trying to think of an easy way to tell Celia I didn't think things were going to work out between us. She walked me to my car at the end the evening and I said a few things that hinted at our relationship taking the path of friendship.

"Really, Joel? Before you even give us a chance?" She had said.

I cringed just thinking about it. How could I have
actually
thought we were having a casual relationship? When will I ever learn that there is not a single, solitary girl who wants a casual relationship? I got out of there with as little drama as possible and finished the evening in my own house with my feet kicked up on the comfortable couch Rachel helped me pick out.

****

"How was your Thanksgiving?" Rachel asked me from across the picnic table. Collin was sitting next to her. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, and the three of us met for lunch in the park to look at an ad we were running in Swim Digest.

All three of us liked to be outside, and none of us were picky about food. We picked up some takeout
from a Vietnamese place on the corner of State St. and Vine at the entrance to the park. Rachel and Collin were eating food from each other's Styrofoam boxes, and it made me wish I had someone here to offer me some variety.

"That bad?" she asked.

"Oh, Thanksgiving? It was good, fine. I spent the day with Celia and her parents."

"Celia, the girl from our wedding party. Doctor, right?"

"Yeah."

"Why the long face? She seemed nice. Did something happen at Thanksgiving?"

"No, not really. Spending the day with her just sort of made me realize we weren't as compatible as I hoped. Did you guys have fun?"

"Yeah, we did," Rachel regarded me like I was fragile, like she hated to give me any details because it may seem like she was rubbing it in. I gave her a look that said
I'm a man, and I can handle a few details about your holiday
.

"We're spending Christmas in San Diego with Collin's parents, so we stayed in town." Rachel said. Collin was just concentrating on the box of food. "Gretchen grew up
an hour or so north of here, and always has huge family gatherings. We decided to hang out with her family. She has three brothers and a sister, and most of them have children of their own. It was chaos on a stick, but lots of fun. Football blaring on the television, football in the yard, card games at the dining table and a kitchen full of food."

Rachel had that faraway look in her eye like she had fond memories of the day. I felt a stab of jealousy when I imagined myself having awkward conversations and missing out on some backyard ball.

Only one of the foster homes I'd lived in had a normal family environment like that, and they only had me for three months before the dad got a job out of state. Then they picked up and moved to Iowa, returning me to the foster system of the state of California. I was only nine when I lived with that family, but I still remembered them clearly. Their names were Keith and Brenda Clark and their kids were Jenny and Jake. I prayed they would keep me around forever, but three months was all I got… a tiny taste of normality during all those years of being passed around from one crazy situation to another.

"Celia's house was the exact opposite of what you're describing." I said. "Her dad had classical music playing while we dined on American cuisine prepared by their Hispanic cook. It was really quiet compared to your day, I'm sure. I don't think I'm going to see Celia anymore. Not just because of the quiet Thanksgiving, though."

"Why then?" Collin asked. "She's cute, and it never hurts to have a doctor in the house."

Rachel must have stepped on his toes or something, because Collin's body jerked a little and
he looked over at her, surprised and injured. "Ouch, what? She seemed nice, you even said that."

"I'm sure she
is
nice, but Joel said something was off, and I believe him." Rachel was giving him a look that said
I dare you to say another good thing about the doctor
.

"Is this about Gretchen?" Collin asked, some of the confusion lifting from his face. "Are you trying to play matchmaker again? Because she's already told you that she and Joel weren't interested in—"

"In what?" I asked, incredulous that the three of us were even having this conversation.

"Rachel just has this idea in her head that you and Gretchen would make a good couple. I think it's because she likes you both and she wants to be able to hang out with you at the same time."

I looked at Rachel. "And you talked to Gretchen about it?"

"No, it's nothing for you to worry about." Rachel punched Collin on the arm. "I just think you two would be great together, and
my husband
doesn't understand the concept of stealthy persuasion.

"Stealthy persuasion?" Collin said, laughing. "You're not nearly as slick as you think you are. They can both tell
that you want them to end up together."

I knew it would make me seem desperate, but I had to know what she and Gretchen had talked about… "What did you say to Gretchen? What'd she say about me?" 

This question made Rachel beam at me. "I can tell you one thing, Joel… Gretchen gets the same nervous look you're wearing right now when
your
name is mentioned."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you're right," Collin said thoughtfully. He was studying my face to judge whether Rachel's assessment was correct. "You know what, baby? I think you might actually be onto something."

I wanted to tell them they were both crazy, but the fact was, I
was
thrown off-balance at the very mention of her name.