Seeing Clearly (11 page)

"I want to do whatever you had in mind," I said, hoping it came across a little less eager than I felt. He didn't leave me hanging. He bent and put his lips to mine in an agonizingly gentle kiss. Our mouths barely touched, and the teasing contact made me yearn for it to deepen.

He broke the contact and asked, "What if my plans include more of that?"

"More of that is exactly what I'm feeling like I want right now," I said, a little breathless. The
corner of his mouth raised in an easy smile before he focused his attention on putting the keys in the ignition. He started the engine, and the deep rumble shook the seat beneath me. I was anxious and excited to see where we'd end up.

Chapter 14

Joel

"A juice bar?" she asked as we pulled into the parking lot at The Main Squeeze. Her eyes were wide with surprise.

"Yeah, a juice bar," I said. "It's good for you."

She rolled her eyes as if to tell me she could take care of her own nutrition concerns, but didn't hesitate to get out of the car and order a large Berry Pro Plus with a shot of protein powder. "This
is
good," she said. She was pounding that thing like she hadn't eaten in days.

"You wanna hit the In and Out Burger?" I asked, watching her suck the last drops of her juice through the straw. She reared back and socked me in the shoulder for the question. I wasn't trying to be mean. I'd feed her a burger if she'd let me. Hell, I'd almost gone there in the first place, but I figured a glass of juice was all she'd agree to. I was obviously right if I was getting slugged just for mentioning it. "
What?
" I asked. "I love a nice, tasty burger every now and then."

She thought for a second, then smiled and said, "Okay, you talked me into it… but just a kid size."

"Deal," I said, starting the car to head for the nearest place to get this girl some sustenance.

****

An hour later, I was staring at flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror. "You have got to be kidding me! I was only going seven miles over the limit." We were driving on a winding road on the outskirts of town, heading to a place I knew she'd love. She still had no idea where we were going. The cop who approached my side of the car was young and all decked out in cop gear complete with mirrored sunglasses. "Is there a problem officer?" I asked, looking at him from over my shoulder.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I thought I was just a few miles over," I lied.

Just then, Gretchen leaned over me, looking up and through the window, trying to get a good view of the officer.
"Carlos!" she said. She smiled up at the cop.

"Gretchen McKay, what are you doing out here?" he asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

"I'm on my way to my mom's house. She
lives out here. She struggled for years, and then she met a rich guy. It's pretty out this way. Where
you
headed?"

"I have no idea, actually. It's a surprise." She looked at me and I smiled stiffly at the cop.
I couldn't help but wonder who he was and how they knew each other.

"Well, any friend of Gretchen's is a friend of mine. She's one tough cookie," the officer said. I smiled again. I didn't know how I felt about him
calling Gretchen
cookie
. At least he decided not to issue me a ticket. They talked for a few minutes before he went back to his car. I couldn't really gather how they knew each other based on their conversation, but I did pick up a few comments about seeing each other in South Central.

He drove away as soon as he got back to the cruiser, leaving us on the side of the road. I looked at Gretchen with an expression that asked her to explain what that was all about.

"Before I started with Rachel, I worked at a coffee shop that Carlos used to come to all the time. It's a long story, but there are four of us who get together every week for a sort of community service." She regarded me like she thought that was enough of an answer.

"Well now you've just got me curious." I said, taking my hand off the keys like I could sit there all day.

She sighed, and began giving me the details one at a time. She seemed a little reluctant to talk about it. "We just got to talking one day, and I said I wish I knew a way I could make a difference in the world… even if it was a small one. He said there's an area of South Central close to where he patrols that has a lot of homes with young children. Anyway, we've established relationships with two families on this one block that's especially bad. We just go into their homes, hang out, play games with the kids. We've gotten really close to all of them. We try to make it to their kids' school plays and baptisms and everything."

"Who goes with you?"

"There are four of us. Carlos and I were the originals, but two of my friends from UCLA started coming with us soon after we started, and they still go. Carlos goes in street clothes, of course."

"How often do you do this?"

"Every Wednesday."

"Every week?"

"Yeah," she said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to visit one of the roughest parts of L.A. on purpose every week. Didn't she know she was putting herself in danger? Part of me wanted to tell her she was crazy and she was no longer allowed to do such a thing… while the other part of me wished I had someone like Gretchen to come over and play games with
me
once a week when I was in any of my messed up foster situations. I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at her, half-wondering if she was serious. What a complex creature.

"I figure you're either thinking I'm stupid or I'm a saint right now, and I want to assure you I'm neither. I've never once felt like I was in danger, and I have
just
as much fun with them as they do with me. They threw me a backyard barbeque when I got the job on Paradise Island."

I just smiled at her and started the car since I didn't think it'd go over to
o well to tell her I'd like her to quit her job
and
her crazy, dangerous community service. What in the world was I going to do with this girl? I wanted to protect her from her own freaking life.

****

When I stopped the car, Gretchen slid across the seat and climbed out of the driver's side behind me.

"What
is
this place? And don't say Mulholland Drive, because I know that much." She was looking around curiously.

"It's just a wooded lot with a clearing where a cottage will go. Nothing fancy, just something to get away from the city sometimes, like camping but easier."

"So it's yours?" she asked.

"That's what the realtor told me. I have room to plant some grapes out here if I ever wanted to try my hand at
winemaking, but for now, I'll settle for a little house and some peace and quiet. Do you like it?"

She seemed surprised that I'd ask. A grin spread across her face as she looked around. "I love it! I think we might see Bambi out here, or at least
some
kind of woodland creature. Can I pass for Snow White?" She looked at me from over her shoulder, kicked a foot up, and batted her eyes. She had on tight jeans and a shirt that left one shoulder exposed. I wanted to ravish her right there on the hood of my car.

"Snow White ain't got nothin' on you," I said. I reached into the backseat to grab the things I'd packed.

"You brought supplies? I'm starting to think you were pretty confident I'd come with you today. Maybe I should've presented more of a challenge," she said, in a teasing tone.

"I haven't seen or heard from you in a week, I've had just about all the challenge I want for now."

She was leaning against the front of the car with her arms crossed on her chest. Holding the blanket and paper sack in one arm, I closed the car door then crossed to the spot where she was standing. I took her hand and led her down a path to the clearing where I had plans to put a cottage. She helped me spread the quilt on the ground. We each had two corners, and when we brought it up, it ballooned like a parachute. With her arms raised, she peaked at me from underneath it with a playful smile that made my chest get that tight feeling.

"It's really nice out here, Joel, and I love the idea of a cabin. I think it's going to be hard to make yourself go back to the city once you get this place built."

"You haven’t even seen my favorite part," I said. "There's a stream."

"A stream?" she laughed in disbelief. "
That's the stuff of fairytales. Did you just ask for a storybook piece of property, or what?"

"
Something like that," I said. We left the bag and our shoes on the quilt and set off through the woods in the direction of the little stream.

"I can't believe you actually have a
freaking stream. Can I get in?" She looked at me for a response, but she was already in the process of pulling up her jeans.

"You
can
, but you're gonna freeze," I said. Gretchen looked at me like a defiant kid as she carefully tested the water with her toe. Apparently the stream didn't feel too bad on that one toe because she jumped in with both feet. She gasped out loud at the shock. The clear water rushed over her ankles as she stood in the rocky creek bed. "Oh my God, it's cold," she sputtered, but she made no move to get out. She bent down and cupped some of the running water in the palm of her hand in a gesture that warned me a splash was coming.

"Don't you even think about it," I said.

"Or what?"

"Or
you'll
end up soaking wet."

"What's so bad about that?" she asked. "I'm not afraid of a little water."

"Well, seeing as neither of us have a change of clothes, we'd have to get out of these long enough to let them dry."

"I thought that was the plan
anyway,
" she said. She flung the handful of water through the air, soaking the left side of my shirt.

"Okay. I see how it's gonna be," I said calmly. I unbuttoned my shirt and set it in a pile by my feet.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked. I could see she was starting to regret her decision to splash me. "I'm sorry.

"Oh, no there's no saying sorry now. It's too late for that." I set my pants at the side of the stream leaving just my boxers on. Our eyes met when I started into the stream after her.

She gave up trying to apologize and went on the offense again. "Don't make me do it," she said. Her hand was poised for another splash. "I will
not
go down easy."

"The thing is…" I said, looking falsely apologetic. "I don't
mind
getting a little wet. I might even be a little excited about it," I made a face like I was a little crazed and she squealed with fear and scrambled backward, stumbling over rocks. "Whoa, it's okay, I'm just messing around. I don't want you to get hurt." I crossed the space between us and pulled her into my arms.

"I thought you were the enemy. What are you doing trying to rescue me?" She smiled up at me through her lashes, breathless and a little flushed from the thrill of the chase. I bent and pressed my lips to hers.

"I'll race you to the blanket," she said.

"I'll even stop to pick up my clothes," I said, smiling. I let go of her, and she took off like a racehorse leaving the starting gate. I laughed and
stooped to pick up my clothes on my way to the clearing. By the time I caught sight of her again, she was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the quilt we'd laid out. She sat casually leaning back on her hands as if she'd been lounging there all day waiting for me.

Chapter 15

Gretchen

Calm your breathing, calm your breathing.
I'd run so fast to get here that I was having a hard time catching my breath, but I was totally faking it. I sat in the center of the blanket and stretched out like I didn't have a care in the world. Joel emerged from the woods wearing nothing but a pair of slate gray boxer briefs and carrying the rest of his clothes. The sight of him made me lose a little of the progress I made in trying to breathe normally. He strolled toward me with a confidence and grace that was absolutely heart stopping. He looked like some mythical creature coming out of the woods with his muscled body all out on display like that. I watched him cross the field in such a daze, it almost seemed like he was walking in slow motion, his muscles flexing and contracting as he walked. All I wanted was to be on this blanket with this guy. I couldn't think of a single thing I would change about this moment.

"What are you thinking?" he asked as he came close. He smiled at me as he tossed his clothes to the ground at the side of the blanket.

"I was thinking this is exactly where I want to be right now."

"Oh yeah?" His grin turned mischievous, and he dropped onto his knees on the blanket a few feet
from me. He leaned towards me, supporting his weight on his hands.

"You've been working out," I said, since I start stating the obvious when I'm nervous. I grabbed his shoulders and gave them a squeeze, feeling for myself how buff he was.

He looked down at my hand before looking back into my face. "I like your hands on me," he said.

"Me too," I said.

Now that we'd drawn attention to the contact, I felt suddenly nervous and insecure about it. I awkwardly ran my hands halfway down his arms before putting them in my lap.

He shook his head slowly and said, "
I don't remember asking you to remove your hands." He looked at me like he was totally serious. I returned them to his shoulders, which made his expression shift to a satisfied grin.

That grin had me totally entranced. I couldn't help but smile back. My face wasn't giving me much choice in the matter. I was just good ol' fashioned
happy
when I was with Joel. I drank in the sight of him as he loomed over me with an edge of danger in his presence. He was so confident out here in the middle of the woods with nothing on but his tight boxers. My hips were already
aching
to move toward him. I looked away, focusing on the stitches of the quilt for a second to get control of my desire.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm having a hard time distracting myself enough so that I don't jump you right now. You look like you could be in an ad for those underwear." I threw in the bit about the underwear because I thought the "jumping you" part might have come across as desperate.

He ignored my joke, and instead did exactly what I wanted him to do. He put his lips on the shoulder my top left exposed. He
was hovering so close to me. I could feel the heat from his body, but no part of him was touching me except for his mouth.

First my shoulder, then little kisses onto my chest. He slowly made his way up my neck. I looked up, giving him better access to my neck, and he took advantage of it, opening his mouth onto my neck, giving me an opened-mouth kiss directly on the vein that was pumping blood like crazy right now.

"I can feel your heart beating," he said, which caused me to let out a little nervous whimper. "Last chance to tell me to stop, Gretchen." 

I was silent.

I stretched out on the blanket and he began to put kisses on any exposed flesh he could find… my arms, my neck, my ears, my face. When he ran out of skin, he moved to my stomach and carefully lifted my shirt, exposing the skin around my belly button. The feel of his warm lips on the sensitive area at the base of my tummy drove me crazy. I wanted him so badly; it was all I could do not to rip my clothes off. Joel continued at a pace so slow that by the time he was kissing me for real, I was already at the limits of what I could stand. I felt as if I could just burst with sexual tension. "I want you," I said, writhing underneath him.

"Well, it's a good thing, because you're about to have me," he said.

****

I got a text from Joel the next afternoon, which was highly unorthodox considering I had scarcely spoken to him before yesterday. We never really had the type of relationship where we call or text on a regular basis, and this text was making me feel like he thought he needed to check up on me just because we were sleeping together. We'd done it twice now, and in my mind that constitutes
sleeping together
. I was ashamed at the realization that I was becoming exactly what I said I'd never be, his mistress. I could see it happening but I liked him so much I couldn't stop myself. It seemed as if I was willing to have him anyway I could get him.

I came really close to ignoring his text, but I just couldn't do it. I thought it was cute when he got jealous and protective.

Joel: "I don't know if I want you going to the hood tonight."

Me: "I don't remember asking for permission."

Joel: "Let me send a driver for you."

Me: "You crack me up. We take a beat-up Mitsubishi. People with drivers sort of stand out over there."

Joel: "Don't go."

Me: "Good try."

Joel: "Can I come too?"

Me: "Not this time, but soon for sure."

Joel: "We cool?"

Me: "Of course."

Joel: "See you soon?"

Me: "Rachel's birthday is next week, we may try to get together… haven't decided yet. Christmas is coming too.
"

Joel: "Get me those names when you can."

Me: "Ok I'll email you."

He was talking about the names of the kids in my family. He asked me yesterday on the way home from his property to give him the names and ages of all the little ones who'd be at my house for Christmas. He said he didn't want to come empty handed. I thought it was a sweet gesture, and I was sure he hadn't meant to send me mixed signals, but I didn't know how to feel about him being so thoughtful with my family like that.

"A few of us are going for a drink if you want to join us," Cali said, poking her head into the dressing room, and snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I have something on Wednesdays," I said, standing with my purse in hand. I walked to the door
to meet Cali. "But if you're leaving now, I'll walk with you to the parking lot."

"So what'd you ever tell Max?" She asked me. "You and I haven’t had the chance to catch up lately, and none of the P.A.'s have the gossip."

We walked side by side, waving and saying goodbye to people as we made our way out of the studio. "There's nothing to tell," I said. "I've been able to avoid talking to him." I let out a long, contemplative sigh at the prospect of saying thanks but no thanks to my boss. I certainly wasn’t looking forward to it. "I'm planning on calling him on the way to my friend's house tonight. I don't think it'll be a big deal. He's a smart guy; he gets the message."

"What's holding you back? The chemist?" Cali asked, blunt as always.

"I guess you could say that." I said. Cali could tell I wasn't going to offer much, so she dropped it and went for some lighter topics until we reached our cars and hugged goodbye. I was thankful for good friends who knew when to pry and when not to.

****

Carlos, Mindy, Taylor, and I met at the mall and got into the ancient, rusty beater Carlos drove every Wednesday night. We parked on the street in front of the home of Luis and Angel Ramirez. Four of their six kids along with eight or ten other neighborhood kids ran to greet us. "Hey guys, you ready to shoot some hoops? Carlos asked.

"We can only play for a half hour. Mi mama says we have to be back for dinner." Diego was always keeping us organized. As the oldest of six, he had a ton of responsibility around the house. The precious eleven-year-old had a special place in my heart. I walked with my arm linked with his to the basketball goal where we always played around. It wasn't the main neighborhood court. In fact, it was just a lone goal in an alley, but we had more fun with that shabby old no-netted basketball goal than should be allowed.

Ten minutes into the game I excused myself, telling everyone I'd meet them back at the house. I knew Angel would be finishing up dinner, and I wanted to talk to her for a while before the house was full. The mother of six was only in her thirties, but she was wise beyond her years. I found myself opening up to Angel Ramirez about things I didn't talk to anyone else about. My intentions to have a heart-to-heart with her tonight was the main reason for telling Joel he could come with us some other time. 

The two youngest children, who happened to be twins, were in the house with their mom since they were a little young to be running the streets with their older brothers. They came to greet me as soon as I opened the door.

"You're too early. Dinner's not ready yet," Angel called from the kitchen. She was obviously expecting all of us, and the chaos we'd be bringing.

"It's just me, Gretchen," I said, bending down to pat the twin girls on the back. They each had a hold on one of my legs, so I stopped to give them some extra love before making my way into the kitchen.

Angel peered around the corner to see what was holding me up. "Girls, let Tia Gretchen come in." The twins reluctantly obeyed their mom, but held my hands as I walked into the kitchen.

"Smells delicious!" I said as I crossed the tiny kitchen. Angel had her hands full stirring a pot on the stove, but she leaned over to offer me her cheek, which I kissed.

She regarded me as if I should be ashamed of myself. "Why are you getting so skinny?" she asked, shaking her spoon at me. "I hope you're hungry, because I'm making you eat."

"You won't have to twist my arm," I said. "I could smell this before I even opened the door. What is it?"

"It's just the sauce. I'm about to pour it over these." She opened the oven door to let me peek in. There were two pans full of enchiladas. The Ramirez family insisted on cooking for us once in a while in spite of the fact that they had very little income.

"What's going on?" Angel asked. She knew I must have a reason for coming in before everyone else since I loved playing basketball with the kids. Not that I'm good at the sport necessarily, I just love games of any kind, and more than that, I hate to miss out on the action. Angel opened a can of juice that I
was reasonably sure my trainers would have a conniption fit over. I took it from her and gulped down the syrupy-sweet liquid.

"I just wanted to come in and visit for a few minutes before the rest of the gang," I said.

"You okay?" She was regarding me with concern. I knew I didn't have long before everyone else came inside, and the twins were too young to understand what I was saying, so I decided not to beat around the bush.

"Everything's fine. I mean, nothing's
technically
wrong. I've just been sort of an emotional wreck lately," I said with a sigh. I sat down on a barstool and Angel came to stand beside me putting a comforting arm around my shoulder. "Things are going good at work, and I know I'm really lucky, but I've just been having this unsettled feeling the last few days… almost like I'm homesick for my old life. I catch myself thinking that quitting school to go to work, no matter how good the job, was a mistake. Rachel was willing to let me work on my course load at UCLA, but I just couldn't make it happen with my new schedule at the show. It sounds stupid, I know, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I guess I'm just sort of in a funk and I don’t really talk to anyone about it."

I should have been ashamed of myself for complaining about my life to a woman who's doing her best to raise a family in one of the roughest parts
of L.A., but I knew Angel would understand, and right now I needed her patience and wisdom.

"You don't seem ungrateful, and you can't help your feelings. I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me." She rubbed her hand across my back several times as if to assure me everything would be okay. "I watch your show just about every day when the twins are sleeping. You're doing a really good job. Are they good to you there?"

"Yeah, they really are. Like I said, things are good. I don’t know how to explain what I'm feeling." I let out a heavy sigh, not really knowing how to explain feelings that I didn't understand myself. "There's this guy I've been spending some time with, maybe he's the one throwing me off."

"Is he on the show?"

"No, he
hates
the show. He's probably the reason I'm having
second thoughts
about the show to begin with. He's one of the clients at my old job."

"The one who makes goggles?" she asked.

I looked at her, surprised. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Oh,
please," she said pushing at me teasingly, while still maintaining the demeanor of a gentle counselor. "You've only mentioned him ten times the last few weeks. Perrin, right?" I didn't know what to say. I honestly didn't remember talking to Angel about Joel before tonight. She looked at me for a few long seconds like she could read my thoughts if she concentrated hard enough. "Ay dios mio. Do you love him?"