Seeds of Hate (21 page)

I stepped up onto the towel and placed my opposite foot back onto the soap dish, both hands gripping the shower rod. Pushing off the soap dish, I jumped up into the air and threw my body over the rod.

And then it happened.

The bolts disconnected from the wall, ripping the plaster out along with it, and we fell. The room was silent as the air knocked itself from me and I lay over Javier's still form. I choked on the air as it refilled my lungs, and then I scattered across the floor to lift him up.

Kneeling beside him, my hands worked manically at the double slipknot gouging into his neck.

He wasn't moving.

He wasn't breathing.

Pulling the leather binding apart, I lay Javier's body straight and tossed the shower rod out the door. I tilted his mouth open and began breathing. My hands banged against his chest as I paired two compressions with two breaths.

No. Please. No. Please. NO! PLEASE!

No response.

My breath was ragged and dissipating, but I kept trying and trying.

"You can't die! Not like this. Not with me here." I cocked my fist back and punched through the bathroom door. My knuckles sliced open against the cheap splintered wood and droplets of blood splashed against the gray linoleum floor.

I focused my fear once more onto Javier and continued to administer CPR. Balling my hands into fists, I slammed them down onto his chest as tears crawled across my face. Blood and salt began to cover Javier's white cotton shirt.

Exhausted and spent, I gave Javier two more breaths before collapsing against the wall. And then I screamed out into the silence. It echoed off the walls, escaped through the hole in the door and fell out into the hallway.

I heard cops, sirens and doctors all conversing in my head—growing in strength with each passing second. I saw his mom walk through the front door to her son's body laying still in my hands. I watched our school hear the news and carry on with life blaming it all on Javier, never knowing there was another person standing right behind, pushing him.

And then his eyes flicked open once. I scrambled to his body and breathed in two more breaths as Javier's spit choked up into my mouth. His chest began to bounce as blood flowed down from his face and into his fingertips. I pulled him up and dragged his body against mine and we lay intertwined and breathless, but breathing.

My head fell back against the wall and my muscles relaxed. Grabbing Javier, I squeezed his body one last time.

"Why?" I cried out in a whisper. "Why?"

Javier grunted and wheezed as he tried to respond.

"I couldn't—" he continued, the words disjointed and quiet. "I couldn't ... take it," he spewed.

"But I was here. I was here!" I replied. "Did that mean nothing?"

"I ... didn't ... know," Javier replied.

"How could you let him win, Javi? How could you let him win?"

Chapter 27

Fall Dance

(Selah)

My dress was pretty and my hair was done, but my heart felt empty. Javier couldn't relive the details of that night, so he told Izzy to explain it all.

How he found him.

How he saved him.

How he almost didn't make it.

I didn't think it was possible to want the life I had over someone else's, but Javier proved me wrong. Death was never pretty. Expected, unexpected, accidental, disease. It all left sadness. Death on your own hands, though, was greater than sadness. To deny oneself the desire or need to be alive went against everything we were created to be. Everything I had been taught to seek. Everything worth anything.

I had moments of my own contemplation, but wanting something out of pain, frustration or loneliness was vastly different than devising a plan, putting it into motion and carrying it out.

I'd be lying if I said Izzy's story didn't change how I viewed Javier. I didn't pity him, but it put greater perspective on how he treated the people around him. His approach to life. His internalization. His lack of trust. He had spent a lot of time hurting.

Izzy and I sat on a bench outside our school gym. A slow ballad of music softened the emotional roller coaster going on inside my head. He had finished explaining everything to me about ten minutes ago. I just hadn't found a response worth voicing.

"So the shoes. His hanging of the shoes. That's a coping mechanism?" I didn't want to cry so I focused on the clinical—getting answers in order to better understand him.

Izzy leaned back against the bench and pulled his right leg up, placing his foot on top of his left. "Yes. It was a part of the sessions. One of his therapists told him to find an outlet for his anger."

"Anger?"

"Pain can morph into anger. He had a lot of built up anger from his mom's absence and Nathan's behavior."

I didn't view Javier as an angry person. But not all angry people walked around yelling and screaming.

"Does Nathan know?" I asked.

"About Javi's attempted suicide?"

"Yeah."

Izzy turned toward me. The night was heavy and the lights from inside illuminated the hard lines of his face. "No, he has no idea. Javi never told his mother or the school about that night when Nathan attacked him either. Pride or shame. I'm not exactly sure."

He dropped his leg and stretched them out, placing his hands behind his head, he continued, "His mom didn't start to understand that issues even existed between him and Nathan until she came home to a house full of medics and a dozen police officers outside."

I ran my hands over and down the soft satin fabric of my dress. The blue sparkled under the moon and I let a tear fall. My mascara dripped alongside my dress and a dark spot appeared. It would probably stain. In fact, I wanted it to.

Neither of us spoke for awhile. We sat in mutual silence and let our classmates carry on with the dancing, laughter and enjoyment. Izzy grabbed my hand and squeezed. I closed my eyes, refusing to release more tears.

"He likes you," Izzy said. The statement confused me. I told myself to push it away, keep it at a distance, but my lips smiled without permission.

"Don't tease me," I replied, poking him in the side.

"I'm not. I'm just telling you how it is."

"How what is?" Javier walked out from the shadows of the hallway and took a seat next to me. His face, paired with Izzy's words, shoved my heart under a spotlight. I thought he would know what I was thinking. What I was feeling. How all the moisture in my mouth dried up and began its journey to my hands and underarms. My breathing picked up as I caught his scent again—clean boy. Who knew soap and fresh laundry could be so enticing.

Izzy laughed at Javi. "I thought you didn't do dances?"

"Do you see me dancing or dressed in a tux?" replied Javier.

Izzy rubbed his chin and looked at me. "Checking in on me then?"

"Something like that." Javier looked over at me, his eyes on my dress and hair. "You look nice. Having fun?"

I swallowed. "The dance was very dance-like. Punch, balloons and a band. No blood or public humiliation yet, so things are looking on the up and up."

Javier raised his eyebrows and scratched his temple. "Blood?"

Izzy patted me on the knee and chuckled. "You can be so dramatic, Sey."

"I watch too many movies," I replied. "But I think it was still a valid concern."

Javier stood and walked away from the bench. His hands were in his pockets and he rotated his head from side to side. When he turned to us, he looked down at his feet.

"Did you tell her?" he asked.

"She knows," Izzy replied.

"And?"

"And what? She's still here. She didn't run away screaming."

Javier's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. He stood staring at Izzy for a while. Neither spoke or moved.

"Just ask her, man. She's not going to say no." Izzy walked toward him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Sey," he said, while still looking at Javi, "I'll be right back."

I fidgeted in my seat, pulling at the sides of my dress. Javier took a moment before walking back to the bench and sitting down. He sat about two feet away and then in four-inch increments slid closer and closer to me. I smiled.

"I'm okay, you know," he said.

"I know," I replied.

He turned toward me, but I couldn't look at him. The moon reflected off the side of my face and my knee bounced up and down. I felt exposed. His hand grabbed the tip of my chin and he raised my face to his. I kept my eyes downcast as I concentrated on not sweating and slowing down the speed of my heart.

Javier lifted his other hand and ran his thumb across my upper cheek—the delicate skin just below my eye.

"You were crying. For me?" he asked.

I closed my eyes and breathed through my nose. The rise and fall of my chest crashed like waves against jagged rocks.

"Can you blame me?" I replied.

"No, but I'd rather see you smile. The past is in the past."

I leaned into his touch, and he pulled me to his side. My head found the sweet spot and I nuzzled into his neck. He reached for my hand and brought it to his lap. Holding it with one, while tracing the inside of my wrist with the other.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" His voice was low and soft, the hot air from his mouth tickling the top of my head.

"Nothing."

"Want to spend it with me?" he asked.

My cheeks turned red as they pulled up toward my eyes, the world’s largest smile taking residence on my face.

"What do you want to do?" I replied, knowing full well I'd clean toilets if it meant being with him.

"Something very normal and very teenager. Food and a movie?"

"You mean dinner and a movie."

"No, food and a movie. Dinner implies something more fancy."

"Well, I do need to eat."

Javier laughed. It was deep and honest. Izzy turned the corner, and I pulled away. He was still my date and being wrapped into Javier's side made me feel guilty. But Izzy said nothing.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow," said Javier. He reached out and gave Izzy his fist, who in turn gave him his.

"Later, buddy," said Izzy, and we both sat and watched as he walked away.

"We should get going. If I'm not home by midnight I turn into a pumpkin!" said Izzy as he offered me his hand and walked me back to my car.

"We don't have to go. The dance isn't over," I replied.

"No, but we should."

I drove Izzy home that night thankful for so many things and hopeful for others.

Chapter 28

Drive-Thru

(Javier)

I folded up the cardboard car Gio and I made months ago and threw the suspender straps onto my dresser. Would she have fun? Would she be willing? I didn't own a car, but I refused to take her out on a date where she had to drive. It felt wrong.

Gio began jumping on my bed, a grin plastered across his face.

"You sure this is a good idea, buddy? I know we had fun, but she's a girl. Girls are different," I said.

He threw his legs out into the air and landed on his butt. Moving to the edge of my bed, he got up and grabbed the suspenders. He turned me around and pulled open my back pocket, shoving the straps down into them.

"Okay. If you say so," I replied.

I pulled out his bed and grabbed his blankets and sheets from the closet. He followed me as I went to the kitchen and prepped him a plate of food from my mother. He stood near the dining table staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

He looked back at the bedroom, at the front door, at the plate of food in my hand and then walked toward me. When he got to my side, he reached out and wrapped his arms around my waist. I hugged him back. If I ever became a father I'd do better than both of ours combined. Better than Selah's and better than Nathan's. There wasn't another option.

I patted him on the back and he pulled away smiling. He picked up the plate of food, sat down and began to eat. I grabbed the cardboard from my bedroom and put my keys in my pocket.

"I'll see you in a few," I said. Gio nodded and continued to eat. "If Gianna comes home tonight, at least check-in, okay?" He nodded again and I left.

***

The walk to Selah's was complicated and took some time. I grabbed a bus for the miles-long stretch down the boulevard, but she lived several blocks away from any relevant stop. Before leaving I hadn't really thought about whether or not she'd be okay with this much walking. I cursed under my breath. This was a bad idea.

When I reached her house, I stood at the edge of her driveway and stared. And stared. And stared. The front door opened, but it didn't register.

"Javi ... you coming in?" Selah's voice carried across the pavement and pulled me out of my reverie. I moved the cardboard car to my other arm and headed toward her. It relieved me to see her wearing something normal. Or normal for her. Her shirt was new, but that was it.