Secrets On Lake Drive (32 page)

“I know you haven’t, baby.”

“Then tell me what that was about.”

I sat there crying my eyes out while he
suddenly grew quiet, which made me angrier.

“You don’t have anything to say now?” I
asked him. I couldn’t believe how settled he was. To add insult to
injury, he got up and walked out of the front door.
What did
that mean? Was that an admission of some sort of guilt?

Sean got in his truck and took off. He just
left me sitting there. So, I pulled myself together and went to the
Grand Avenue Mall, trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t
entertain the thought that my husband might be loving someone
else.

I LEFT MY shopping venture in just enough
time to pick up Roman from school. When we arrived home, Roman got
started on his homework while I sat at the kitchen table and dialed
Keisha. If anyone could give me some advice, it was her. She was
still at school, but I knew she would answer her phone since all
the kids had already left for the day.

“Hey, Monica”, she answered cheerful. I was
jealous of her mood. “I heard you called in sick today. What’s the
deal?”

“I’m okay. It’s just Sean. He’s been acting
weird lately.”

“What has he been doing?”

“Last night, he cried hard, like he was hurt
to his heart or something. I’ve never seen him do anything like
that before.”

“So what do you think it is?”

“I don’t know. He said something about not
wanting to lose me.”

“Is everything cool between y’all
otherwise?”

“Yeah, everything is pretty much normal…well
almost normal.”

“What you mean?”

“Ah…uhm…”

“Come on, girlfriend. Spit it out.”

“Well, we never made love.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“I wish I was.”

“Not even once?”

“Nope.”

“Never came close?”

“Oh, we’ve come close plenty of times.”

“You mean to tell me you bought the cow and
you’re still not getting any milk?”

I heard Keisha chuckle in the background
amidst shuffling papers. I forced myself to smile.

“Well, there are times when we’ve come very
close to it. The foreplay is incredible, but we’ve just never gone
all the way.”

“I hate to say this, but you don’t think
there could be someone else, do you?”

“The thought had crossed my mind, but Sean
would never do that to me. He loves me too much.”

“Well, if he loves you so much, then why
hasn’t he shown you?”

“He does show me. He treats me like a lady,
he buys me things, he cooks, rubs my feet, gives me massages,
caters to me. He even washes my hair.”

“Girl, I’m talking about the sex. You need
that in your marriage.”

“I know that.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well, I can’t
make
him make love to
me.”

“True…but you can make him want to. You need
to wear something sexy to bed instead of those big ol’ raggedy
t-shirts you have.”

“Hey, those shirts are comfortable and I
don’t wear them to bed…anymore.”

“Unh huh.” Keisha didn’t believe me. “Girl,
when was the last time you went to Victoria’s Secret?”

“Sean buys me lingerie all the time.”

“Okay. So show him how to take it off.”

I laughed at Keisha and her crazy
suggestions.

She continued. “Seriously, though. Are you sure
there’s no one else?”

Keisha had me doubting myself. I was sure
Sean was faithful, but I had to consider Keisha’s suggestion as a
true reality.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I replied, but I wasn’t
sure.

“Well, I don’t know what it could be. Maybe
it’s baggage from a past relationship.”

“Yeah, maybe. He was married once before,
and come to think about it, he told me that he never made love to
his ex-wife.”

“Girl, I know what it is,” Keisha whispered,
like she didn’t want someone walking pass her classroom door to
hear her. “Maybe your man needs some Viagra.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“How you know?”

“Because I’ve seen it, and trust me, he
doesn’t need nooooo Viagra.”

“Well, I don’t know what his problem is
then. Maybe he has a fear of being intimate. I’m sure there’s some
medical term for that. You should go on the internet and look it
up.”

“Keisha, you’re crazy!”

“And that’s why you love me.”

She was right. Anytime I had a problem,
Keisha would offer up some advice no matter how weird it sounded.
That’s what made her my best friend. She always had something to
offer.

“Well, Monica, I’m going to wrap up here so
I can go home. Those kids drove me crazy today. But just talk to
him and let me know how it goes.”

“Okay, Keisha. Later.”

After I got off the phone, I started on dinner. I
made some spaghetti with a chunky mushroom sauce, and then threw
some cheesy bread in the oven. I was not sure what time Sean was
going to be home. His hours varied. He went to work when he wanted
and came home when he wanted.

By the time I was done cooking, it was close to six
o’clock. Since our incident this morning, I heard nothing from
Sean. So, I made dinner plates for Roman and me. Two bites into my
garlic bread, I could hear Sean coming in through the front
door.

“Roman, take your food and go into the
family room, ah’ight?” he said after walking in the kitchen.

“Okay, Dad.”

After Roman left the kitchen with his plate,
Sean looked at me. I knew he wanted to talk and I was ready. I
needed to get to the bottom of the crying episode from last night.
Sean sat at the table with me and put his right hand on my
left.

“First, I want to say I’m sorry for leaving
like that this morning. I didn’t know what to say to you at the
time, so I’m sorry. As for last night, I just got emotional,
Monica. I meant what I said. I don’t want to lose you.”

“And what reason have I given you that you
feel you’re going to lose me?”

“None.”

“Okay, so what is it then? You don’t trust
me?”

“I trust you.”

“So why is it that you think I’m going to
leave you? Do you feel guilty about something?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Is there someone else?”

“What?” He took his hand off of mine. “I
can’t believe you just asked me that.”

“Well, I don’t know what to think, Sean. I
mean, look at it from my point of view. You were crying and saying
how you didn’t want to lose me, and then there’s this sex issue.
We’ve never made love. It’s like you want me but you really
don’t.”

“I do want you, and I will never cheat on
you, Monica. I don’t want anyone but you, baby.”

“Then why haven’t we made love, Sean?”

“Because I don’t want there to be an ounce
of doubt in your mind about me. I want to know and feel in my heart
that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.”

“If there was doubt, I never would’ve
married you. There
is
no doubt, Sean. I love you.”

“Good.” He stood up and gave me a peck on
the lips, then walked to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water.
After I watched him drink the entire bottle, I walked up to him,
loosened his necktie, unbuttoned his dress shirt down three
buttons, and browsed his chest with small kisses. I know that
turned him on. He spun me around like we were ballroom dancing,
picked me up, and pushed me up against the refrigerator. He was
wild, kissing me out of control, and I was enjoying every second of
it.

“Sean, Roman is right in the other room.” I
tried to stop him when he attempted to take off my shirt.

“I know,” Sean said, kissing me like he
didn’t care if we got caught. He let go of my shirt and undid the
clasp of my bra with one hand.

“Mommy,” Roman called out to me from the
family room. “Can I have another piece of bread?”

I hurried up and fixed my clothes, then got
him a piece of bread. Sean looked at me and we laughed together. It
was fun almost getting caught after being frisky with hubby in the
kitchen.

I put Roman to bed around seven-thirty. Then
I joined Sean on the bed in our room to play a game of Scrabble. We
would usually always end our days by doing some sort of activity
together before we went to bed. Tonight was Scrabble night. Sean
had already whipped me in chess and blackjack last week, so tonight
was the night for me to redeem myself.

However, that didn’t happen. My baby didn’t
have any mercy on me, but that’s cool. Sean liked to play hard.
That was one of the things I loved about him.

I laid down in the middle of our super
king-sized bed and Sean slid behind me, spooning me like he always
does. I could feel the warmth of his body on me while he breathed
heavy on the nape of my neck and lowered the strap of my cami.
Is tonight the night,
I thought to myself.
Is this man
preparing himself to make love to me?

“Monica, take that off,” he said, while
tugging on my top. I did what he asked, quickly. I didn’t want Sean
to rip my favorite top off of me, and I knew he would. Besides,
whatever my baby wanted I was willing to do.

After I took off my top, Sean rolled his
one-hundred-seventy-five-pound body over me. He pinned my arms to
the bed with his hands wrapped so tight around my wrists, he was
restricting my blood circulation. I might as well been cuffed to
the bed with the way he held me in confinement. His wet lips met
mine, and slowly we kissed while sliding our tongues into each
other’s mouths. His kisses were so soft, his lips supple. They felt
like wet gummy bears teasing me to nibble on them and chew ‘em like
candy. Sean kept my arms pressed to the bed and we kissed more. I
loved kissing him. We could do that all night if that’s all he
wanted to do. Kissing was my favorite foreplay activity. It was one
of the most intimate moments you could share with a person.

Sean never wore tops to bed and he would
usually wear boxers, but somehow without my knowledge, he snuck in
bed butt naked tonight. He released my arms, then moved toward my
breasts. Maybe he was about to make love to me, but how could I be
sure?

“I want to make love to you,” he said in a
softened whisper, while looking into my eyes.
Is my baby reading
my mind or what?
This man was ready to tear into me like a fat
kid ready to rip through the wrapper of a Snickers bar.

Our room was dark with the exception of the
little bit of streetlight that peered through the white, sheer
curtains hanging against our bedroom windows. The scent of black
cherry candles permeated our space. There was no bump ‘n grind
music. All we could hear was the sound of each other breathing,
anticipating the love we were both about to receive.

Later, our hot, sweaty bodies are clinging
to the sheets. In my lifetime, I don’t remember ever being so
relaxed. Sean had taken me to a whole new level of pleasure. I was
so calm all I wanted to do was sleep.

“I love you, Moni,” Sean whispered in my ear. “I
love you so much, baby.”

I froze when he said that. My body had
completely gone numb.
Why did he call me that?
The only man
to ever call me by that name was Cornelius. That was his pet name
for me and I would call him Neal, my shortened name for
Cornelius.

Keep your composure, Monica. Keep your
composure.
I kept saying the mantra over and over in my head. I
wasn’t going to let a name ruin our perfect night.

“I love you, too, Sean.”

He smiled and kissed me on my forehead,
while I laid there watching him in all of his glory. I had fallen
in love with a man of wisdom, patience, and recognized beauty. He
was more than a man to me – he was my rock, a perfect image of the
love I was meant to have even before I was born.

That’s why I should have been ashamed of
myself. As me and Sean huddled in bed like we were about to run our
next play, Cornelius weighed heavy on my mind. Even after years of
not hearing a word from him, I thought about the man.

I must have it bad for him.

Chapter 30 -
Obsessed With My
Ex

They say you never forget your first, and though I
love Sean more than life itself, I will never forget Cornelius.
Don’t get me wrong. Sean has every quality that any woman would
want in a husband. He was a caring father, he had a six-figure gig
that was pushing seven figures, he had a hot body, he was fine as
ever, and to top it all off, he knew how to make love to me the way
I wanted it. He just proved that to me.

After round three and thirty minutes of
cuddling with my hubby, I should have been exhausted and ready for
sleep. Instead, I was shamefully engulfed in thoughts of my ex,
Cornelius Hill. I hadn’t seen Cornelius anywhere around Milwaukee.
As a matter of fact, since that fateful night I told him about the
baby, I had not seen him at all. It was as if he had disappeared.
Did he move? Is he somewhere happily married?
I wanted to
know. After all, he is Eric’s father.

Wherever he was, I’m sure Cornelius hated
me. I gave his child away, a child that he wanted. It’s a sad fact,
but you don’t run into many black men who are actually happy,
willing, and ready to accept a child as theirs. That’s just my
opinion. Or maybe I’ve just seen one too many paternity test
episodes on Maury where he announces, “You are not the father,” and
the man is celebrating on stage as if having a baby was the worst
thing that could ever happen to a guy.

Anyway, Cornelius wanted the baby. I wanted
the baby, too. My wicked witch mother, Deborah, didn’t want me to
keep the baby. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if
I didn’t listen to her and just kept my baby. All I do is wonder. I
guess in a way I should thank my evil, self-consuming mother. Had I
not listened to her I probably would have never met, fell in love
with, and married the most incredible man I’ve ever met in my life.
Granted, my relationship with Sean started out a little rocky, but
the trek on our bumpy road was filled with chemistry. We had the
ingredients we needed to make this thing work and we used it to
cook up something delectable.