Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home (12 page)

Oh please! Would you two quit it? I have bad thoughts every day of the week and no one bursts into flames.

Matty is in awe. “How did you know that line?”

We both look at the screen and see Sky, her raven hair ironed straight, her makeup dark and moody. She’s wearing a red Gucci
sweater. I know because I wanted to wear it and she wouldn’t let me. I wore Galliano instead, which isn’t too shabby.

“I usually remember the lines in a big scene, don’t you?” I ask Matt.

Mom and Dad look at each other again and then at Matt. His jaw is sort of locked in a big O expression.

“Go get Dr. Lowe,” Mom whispers to Dad. “Quick.”

“Shh!” I tell them. “This is my favorite line in the whole episode. Well, my favorite line that I say: ‘What Sara meant to
say is, we love who we are and we are who we are because of you, Dad. And you, Mom. Whatever it takes, we’ll get the Buchanans
back to where they’re supposed to be. Home isn’t these four walls. Home is wherever we are together.’”

I smile proudly at Matty, impressed I actually remembered the whole speech. He’s still looking at me with the same dumb expression.
I’m so busy looking at him that I miss the beginning of my dialogue.

…And you, Mom. Whatever it takes, we’ll get the Buchanans back to where they’re supposed to be.

Hey, that’s not my voice. I’m not deep and raspy like that. Is something wrong with the TV? I look up and…NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“WHY IS ALEXIS HOLDEN SAYING MY LINE?” I scream so loudly that my roommate drops her pitcher of ice water all over the floor.

Alexis is playing
my
character, Samantha Buchanan. Alexis Holden, the fiery redhead who I thought was so nice until I learned she was out to swipe
my job, is wearing
my
Galliano dress. She’s standing next to
my
costars. She’s on
my
show, doing lines that were several seasons ago! She wasn’t on
FA
till the last season! What is going on?

I look at Mom and Matty. “Did you guys mess with the TV? Why would you do that to me after the day I’ve had?”

“We didn’t,” Matty says slowly, staring at me as if I’m dense. “Are
you
playing a joke on us?”

“No!” I find myself getting hot and flustered and entirely uncomfortable. The room is starting to spin again, and I have a
headache. Dad rushes back in with a tall, thin, dark-haired guy in a white lab coat. I assume this is Dr. Lowe.

“Kaitlin, are you okay?” Mom asks, sounding out of breath. “Tell Dr. Lowe, honey. Tell him what’s wrong. She’s been saying
the most irrational things,” she tells the doctor, who is busy writing on a clipboard.

“I am not saying irrational things!” I freak out. My heart is pounding so hard I’m sure it’s going to pop out of my chest.
“Samantha Buchanan is my character and yet somehow Alexis Holden is playing my part on this television! I know I was in a
car accident today, but I know who I am,” I tell him urgently. “I know what happened today. My mom fired my publicist, Laney
Peters. My boyfriend, Austin Meyers, is lying somewhere in this hospital, and all I want right now is to go and find him and
make sure he’s okay. I have to explain myself. Please,” I beg, sounding hoarse. I stare into Dr. Lowe’s blue eyes. “You’ve
got to help me.”

“Oh my God.” Mom says softly. She leans on my dad for support.

The rest of the room is quiet except for Matty, who actually chuckles.

My eyes lock on his. “What is so funny?”’

“Um, your fantasy world?” Matty quips.

“Matthew,” Dad warns and nudges him. He, Dr. Lowe, and Mom are staring at me as if I’m a rabid animal prepared to attack.
“Your sister has hit her head. This is not something to laugh about.”

“She must have hit it really hard if she thinks she’s a movie star.” Matty rolls his eyes. “She’s dramatic, yes, but famous,
no way. And Austin Meyers wouldn’t look sideways at her. Especially not after today.”

My heart practically stops. “Did he dump me?” I whisper, and my eyes begin to well with tears.

Matty’s eyes almost pop out of his head and he sputters, “Dump you? Kates, he’s been going out with Lori Peters since freshman
year.”

“No,” I say and shake my head forcefully. “They broke up a long time ago.”

“Matty, don’t do this to her now,” Dad says, smiling at me tightly.

“Let him continue,” I hear Dr. Lowe say. I think. It’s hard to tell because a loud swishing sound has started in my ears,
and it’s coming on like a freight train. “Let’s see what she does.”

“And you are not on
Family Affair
,” Matty says sharply and looks up at the screen, where Alexis and Sky are on to the next scene, laughing merrily in Aunt
Krystal’s kitchen.

“I was!” I cry. Why are they all being so mean to me? Did someone put my meltdown from this morning on YouTube? Maybe they
heard me say I wanted to fire Mom.

“Alexis Holden has played Samantha Buchanan for the past four years. She took over for the original actress, Lilly Amber,”
Matty says slowly. “You’re not a star, Kates. You’re Kaitlin Burke, a recent transfer to posh Clark Hall, who hasn’t had a
boyfriend in like, forever.”

I cover my ears to try to block out what he’s saying, but it’s no use. I can hear him, and like a train wreck, as much as
I want to forget it, I want to hear more.

“Your only connection to Austin Meyers is that you swiped him and some of his lacrosse buddies when you hit the accelerator
instead of the brake during driver’s ed this morning. The car jumped the curb and crashed into them as they were walking to
class. I heard you broke his leg and probably cost him his lacrosse career.” Matty shakes his head. “People are not too happy
with you at Clark Hall.”

I look between Dad’s, Mom’s, and Matty’s stricken faces, and I know Matty is not lying. Dr. Lowe looks at me sadly. Matty
is telling some weird, crazy, bizarro version of the truth, but it’s still the truth. Right here. Right now at least.

That’s when I do the only thing I can think of. I start to scream. The scream is so loud and terrifying that I almost think
someone else is doing it. But they’re not. It’s me. And if any of what Matty just said is really reality, they may have to
put me in a straitjacket and throw away the key.

“Have you gone in to check on her?” I hear Mom’s muffled voice through the bedroom door.

“No, I thought you were going to,” Dad whispers back.

“I’m afraid to.” Mom sounds more hesitant than I’ve ever heard her. “She’s going to start yelling again. All she does is watch
that DVD box set she swiped from the living room. Episode after episode of
Family Affair
! She hasn’t left her bedroom in days… she’s not eating. She didn’t even eat her favorite dinner, lemon chicken!”

“Maybe we’re asking too much of her too soon,” Dad says. “Dr. Lowe said we need to give her time. She’s got to come out of
her room eventually. She knows she has to go back to Clark Hall on Wednesday. Two more days and her engine will be revved
to full throttle. I know it.”

Dad is still making car analogies. At least some things haven’t changed. I hear footsteps and I shimmy further under my covers.
I don’t remember liking all this pink. The
comforter, the curtains, the worn carpet, the rose wall
paper—it’s like someone took a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and let it explode in here. My furniture is white, just like my real
furniture, but this set has been around the block a few times. There’s even some green marker on my bedpost that says my name
in a child’s script. I don’t see any
Star Wars
stuff, though. My Princess Leia clock and blanket are missing.

Even though I miss Han, Leia, and Luke, I have to admit this room is cozy. So is the house. We live in Toluca Lake, which
I’ve always adored, and we’re in a side-hall colonial with a modest living room, dining room, kitchen, and den on the first
floor and three bedrooms on the second. The house has yellow siding and a beautifully landscaped backyard with a swimming
pool (no rock garden or waterfall cascading in it like our real one, but it’s still nice). You can’t lose anyone in this house.
At home I’m constantly running up and down the stairs trying to find everyone, and then when I do, I sort of regret looking
for them in the first place. In this house, I don’t leave my room—well, except for some late-night kitchen raids when everyone
else is asleep. I know I should make more of an effort. If I don’t start coming around soon, Dr. Lowe is making me go for
therapy! As much as that scenario freaks me out, leaving this bed and facing the crazy reality that is waiting for me scares
me more.

“Matt, where do you think you’re going?” I hear Mom demand, sounding more like the mom I know.

“Kaitlin asked for some more magazines,” Matty tells them. “I was going to buy some on my way home from school, but Rob Murray
was hanging outside CVS and I thought he might beat me up because of my last name. I get banged around enough at that school
without having to take the heat for Kate’s lead foot too.”

“No more tabloids,” Mom insists. “Kaitlin’s becoming obsessed with that Alexis Holden girl! All she does is read about her
and watch
Celebrity Insider
. When she isn’t watching
Family Affair
, that is.”

“She gets this Hollywood obsession from you, you know. Matty probably took that stack of magazines from your pile,” Dad quips.

“Are you saying this is my fault?” Mom asks tearfully.

“No. We live next door to Hollywood. It’s not unhealthy to want to learn more about the people living in our own backyard,”
Dad tries tactfully. “Kaitlin comes in contact with celebrities much more now that she and Matty have transferred to Clark
Hall. That girl Liz Mendes has gotten the girls into all those premieres lately. I’m sure Kaitlin is just confusing those
two worlds in her head.”

“Do you think we were wrong to send the kids to Clark Hall High School this year?” Mom asks worriedly. “The education is top-notch,
but even before the accident she didn’t seem like herself. I like Liz, but I think the two of them are getting too caught
up in the Hollywood scene. Kaitlin is changing because of it,” Mom continues sadly, “and now she thinks she
is
a celebrity. She’s lost her mind!” She starts to cry.

I bury my head under my pillow, hoping to muffle their conversation, but it doesn’t work.

“Forget celebrities, Mom. Kates has bigger problems. Someone told me that Lori Peters wants Kaitlin to be expelled,” Matty
says. “I heard she has a meeting with Principal P. tomorrow to talk about Kaitlin’s unhealthy obsession with her boyfriend.
Caden Mitchell overheard Lori say that Kaitlin hit Austin on purpose because she’s mad that she can’t have him.”

I can’t take it anymore. “I do have him!” I yell from under my blanket. “I’m dating Austin! We’ve been going out for over
a year! Why doesn’t anyone remember?” I start to cry too.

“Honey?” Mom jiggles the door lock. “Open up so we can talk. We want to help you, sweetie.” She turns the handle, but I just
stare at it. I’m not opening that door. “I know you’re frustrated, but we’re your parents and our job is to help you. Let
us do that, Kaitlin. Talk to us or talk to a therapist. It won’t be bad, sweetie, I promise. We have to get to the bottom
of this other, um, life you keep talking about.”

“I don’t want to talk,” I gulp through my tears. “I just want to be left alone.”

I hate talking, because when they talk to me they say this is reality and that other Kaitlin and company that I keep talking
about don’t exist. I know they’re wrong, and I can’t stand hearing them say otherwise. I can’t accept—I
won’t
accept—that my real life isn’t real after all.

Eighteen years couldn’t be a dream. I’ve lived too much, experienced too many things. It’s just not possible for me to have
dreamed it up!

God, I miss Nadine. If anyone could fix this mess, it would be her. I keep dialing her cell and the message says, “The number
you have reached is no longer in service. Please check the number and try again.”

I hear Mom sigh. “Okay, Kaitlin. Maybe later? I’m making penne à la vodka. You love that dish. When I bring it up, maybe I
can eat with you and chat.”

I hear shuffling, then more footsteps, and a few magazines are shoved under my door. When the hall is quiet again, I slide
out of bed, mindful of my cast, and pick them up. The top one is
Hollywood Nation
,
and my eyes are drawn to the cover story: “SKY MACKENZIE AND ALEXIS HOLDEN KEEP HOLLYWOOD HAUNT UP LATE.” I flip to the page
and read the story quickly, then look at the pictures of Alexis and Sky staggering out of Teddy’s. Sky looks like she hasn’t
slept in a month. Sky may like to be part of the Hollywood nightlife scene, but her reputation comes first these days and
she’d never behave the way this article says she did. And Alexis… I don’t even want to go there.

I fling the magazine across the room, and it lands on top of the white wicker chest in the corner. I’m not even sure what’s
in that thing because this is
not
my room. This is
not
my life. I want to go home.

What’s happening to me?

When my family reacted the way they did in the hospital, at first I thought I was having a horrible nightmare. So I did what
I always do when I’m having a bad dream—like the one I have about showing up to cohost
The View
in my underwear—I pinched myself all over (my right arm is still red), closed my eyes, and willed myself to wake up.

Nothing changed. I’m still here. Wherever or whatever here is.

Every “day,” if it is a day, is the same. I wake up, sob that I’m here, and then lie in bed watching TV and reading the magazines
Matty brings me. I can’t stop thinking about where I am.

Could I be in some sort of coma and this is my dreamlike state? It could happen. Maybe things went wildly wrong in surgery,
Meredith dropped my spleen, they had to get the crash cart, and McDreamy saved me by the skin of his teeth. Okay, maybe I
am watching too much
Grey’s Anatomy
. There was a marathon on all day yesterday. But still, if this isn’t a dream, maybe I am in a coma or…GASP. I can’t be dead,
can I? Maybe this is some sort of Hollywood purgatory where stars go before they cross over to repent for the backstabbing,
bad movies, and beyotch-ness they put the world through. Oh God. That’s the answer, isn’t it?

NOOOO! I don’t want to die! I just turned eighteen! I haven’t won an Oscar yet or gone to college or visited Australia! How
am I going to marry Austin someday if I’m not here to do it?

Oh my God. I want to go to college. I want to marry Austin. I want to!

Those breakthroughs will have to wait because right now my top priority is figuring out if I’m alive, dead, in an alternate
reality, or in purgatory. God, this is just as confusing as that show
Lost
was!

Ooh…that’s it! Maybe I’m on a TV show! This might be like that movie Jim Carrey did where he lived in this giant bubble and
his whole life was filmed for TV. They staged every plot point, and Jim didn’t have a clue. Could that be what’s happening
to me too?

Maybe that’s my punishment for getting in a car with a complete stranger and for behaving badly in front of the paparazzi.
I wouldn’t put it past Mom to combine being grounded with media coverage. I stare at the ceiling looking for hidden cameras,
then glance around the room. Aha! I knew that teddy bear looked odd. I would never have a cheesy green stuffed bear like that!
I pull the bear off a crowded bookshelf and try to rip out his stuffing. Hmph. There can’t be a camera in here. I throw the
bear on the floor.

Okay, forget the cameras. I don’t need them. If I really am on TV right now and Mom put me up to it, all I have to do is apologize
and things will go back to normal. Right? I’ll apologize on the air and Mom will have to forgive me. It’s a brilliant plan.

I step up onto my bed (that way I’m closer to the hidden mics) and make sure my tank top isn’t exposing anything it shouldn’t
be. I smooth down my unwashed hair, steady myself so that I don’t break my other ankle, and clear my throat. “MOM? DAD? TV
NETWORK? If you can hear me right now, I have something to say. I know I’m on a TV show and this is my punishment for being
a star who behaves badly. I want to apologize. I know I was wrong to fight with the paparazzi and to behave irrationally and
get into that car. I wish I could take back what I did.” I pause. Let me think this through a second. “Well, everything except
being mad that you fired Seth, Laney, and Nadine. I want them back. Everything else I’ll agree to, okay? I’ll do whatever
press, print and otherwise, you want me to. Just let me out of this bubble, okay? I want to go home!”

Silence. Maybe they didn’t hear me. Or Mom didn’t like the terms. My hands start to sweat. I have to get through to her and
get out of here! What’s it going to take to…I KNOW!

“Mom, you can have a raise. You can take twenty percent of my salary instead of fifteen!” I tell the ceiling.

The ceiling doesn’t answer. If Mom heard me she would have busted down my door. At least my other mom would have.

“GUYS?” I shriek desperately.

“Kates? Who are you talking to? Do you need Mom to get your meds?” It’s Matty. Alter-Matty, as I’ve dubbed him, and he’s right
outside my door.
This
door. Not
my
door. This isn’t my house!

“Go away!” I crash down onto my bed, sending a deep ache into my broken ankle with the impact. Then I start to cry again.

This can’t be happening to me. I’m Kaitlin Burke, TV star, Hollywood actress, high school senior. I’m on a new TV show and
I have an amazing boyfriend. Right?

RIGHT?

I feel like Dorothy when she dropped into Oz. Everything is different. Mom is a dental hygienist who is warm and gooey and
cooks my favorite foods. Dad is thrilled to be working at the same car dealership he worked at when I was a baby. Matty is
a social leper who has gone from cool to drool. It’s as if everyone but me is content living the life we would have lived
if…no, that can’t be right, can it? Is that what’s different?

Is this what my life would have been like if Mom had never taken me to audition for
Family Affair
?

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“I said leave me alone,” I grumble.

“Kaitlin? It’s me. Liz.”

Liz? My Lizzie? She’ll know what to do. “Lizzie?”

“
Liz
,” she corrects. “Can I come in?”

I run to the bedroom door and fling it open. It’s Liz in the flesh and she looks exactly the same. She’s wearing a gorgeous
Marchesa dress that I just saw in
Hollywood Nation
and thigh-high black boots. She hugs me and then plops down on my bed.

“You look okay except for the cast, but your brother says you’ve gone loco,” Liz says in between bubble gum pops. “What’s
going on? You haven’t returned any of my calls.”

“What calls?” I ask, confused.

“On your cell.” Liz looks at me strangely as she pulls her curly dark brown hair off her neck and into a tiny ponytail using
an elastic with a silk butterfly attached to it.

I haven’t even checked that phone Mom claimed is mine. I don’t know the password. It’s not the same as my regular one, which
is Austin’s birthday.

“I’ve been worried about you,” Liz says and pops a bubble to drive home her point. “School is a nightmare. Everyone is talking
about your car crash. I keep trying to defend you, but I don’t even know exactly what happened because you aren’t talking
to me. Your mom keeps calling and telling me this bizarre stuff you’ve said. That you think you’re the one who plays Samantha
Buchanan on
Family Affair
and Alexis Holden stole your job?” She makes a loud
POP!
with her gum. “You’re kidding, right? I know we’ve been hitting the scene a lot lately, but you don’t really think you’re
a celebrity, do you?”

I lie back on my bed next to her. So this Liz thinks I’m nuts too. If I tried telling her the truth, she’d probably run from
the room and never come back. I can’t have that. I need someone to talk to. I stare at the carpet and dig my toes into my
comforter. “No. I think it’s a side effect from all the medication they have me on,” I lie, and Liz nods knowingly. “I guess
I’ve been saying some pretty messed-up things.”