Secrets Mormons Don't Want You To Know (11 page)

One day he wrote back. He thanked me for writing and showing him those passages, but he said that he must live the true gospel by living polygamy. He pointed out that in the Doctrine and Covenants, another book written by Joseph Smith, polygamy is called the “new and everlasting covenant…”
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and he said it must be fulfilled. He told me it did not matter what was written in the Book of Mormon because other revelation revealed that polygamy was now commanded and good in the sight of the God of Mormonism.

He said I better live it also or I would be damned.
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I wondered, “Where would I be damned to?” I had never heard about hell, and was never taught about a place of condemnation. I was taught that even the meanest sinner would find some place in the heavenly realm.
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I knew then that I had lost my father to a set of man-made doctrines and ungodly practices that even contradicted his own scriptures.

The Embarrassment of Polygamy

After my dad took plural wives, our lives took on a form of secrecy. I did not dare tell anyone where he had gone or what he had done. Polygamy was still illegal, although thousands were living it daily. I was afraid he would get arrested and be sent to jail.

I had to be very selective in the things I said. I became a very good liar, deceiving all those who asked me anything about him. Everything was a lie or a story. I never once felt any guilt for my actions because I thought I was protecting him.

Some people knew what he had done and eventually most found out. We became outcasts. Even some of our friends became cold towards us. We were shunned by most of the members of our ward. I had a hard time understanding this. After all, my dad was only following Mormon doctrine, yet most of our friends and family were embarrassed by it.

Many Mormon people today are embarrassed by the doctrine of polygamy. Many even deny it was taught. But the fact is, it was taught, believed and lived.

Mormon doctrine states that polygamy is being lived by the “God” and “Jesus” of Mormonism and will be practiced throughout eternity by faithful Mormons. Mormon women who make it to the highest degree of heaven have only to look forward to sharing their husband with many other women for eternity.
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My “Burning in the Bosom”

Even at the young age of eleven, I began to see the contradictions and problems with the Mormon scriptures, but never once did I question the validity of the Mormon church. After all, from the time I could remember, I was told this was the only true church on the earth today. Why would I question it?

Seeing how polygamy had destroyed my family, I didn’t like that particular doctrine, yet I still loved the Mormon church. I believed the LDS church was true, but I knew it was time I got a “testimony” of its truthfulness for myself. I was taught that if I prayed about it, I could know by “a feeling” that the Mormon church and the Book of Mormon were true and that Joseph Smith was a true prophet.

So obeying the instructions I was given that if I asked God with a sincere heart if it was true, then I would receive my answer from the Holy Spirit. I knelt down and prayed, being assured that if I asked in faith, I would receive my answer.
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I then experienced having a “burning in my bosom.”
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This is a supernatural manifestation that Mormons teach is the Holy Ghost testifying to the truthfulness of Mormonism. It is interesting that in the Bible, Jesus says that when the Holy Spirit is come, He will testify of Jesus Christ, NOT a religious denomination (John 15:26).

I now had a testimony of my own. My belief that this was the only true church was even stronger than before.

My Zeal for Mormonism Grows

As I got older, my zeal to serve in the Mormon church continued to grow. When I was a teenager, I was able to go to the Salt Lake Temple to be baptized for the dead. Mormonism teaches that in order to get into the celestial kingdom, you must first be baptized into the Mormon church. For those who have died without a Mormon baptism, someone has to stand in for them and be baptized by proxy.
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This is the majority of the work performed in the LDS temples.

I looked forward to this with great anticipation. Before I was allowed into the temple, I had to be interviewed by my bishop. He asked me several questions about my commitment to the LDS church, if I had been paying my tithes, if I had been keeping the word of wisdom, which is abstinence from coffee, tea, alcohol, tobacco, drugs and caffeine.
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He also asked me several personal and embarrassing questions about my morality. Yet I sat facing him, looking him in the eyes, knowing that I could truthfully answer these questions because I had kept myself morally clean.

What a sobering occasion for me as I walked through the temple doors, knowing that I was one who was counted worthy to be doing work for the dead.
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I was then baptized by immersion for about twenty to thirty dead people at a time.

When I was in the ninth grade, I took my first year of LDS seminary. Almost every public junior high and high school in the state of Utah has an LDS seminary building adjacent to the school where the students are allowed time to go learn Mormon doctrine.

I enjoyed this very much. During my sophomore, junior, and senior years, I also took seminary where I was in the class presidencies. This was a great opportunity to get trained in the Mormon teachings. I was also the president of my Mutual class.

One day during my seminary class, we had a guest speaker. He was dressed like a Catholic priest but we were told he was a Baptist preacher. He told our class that we needed to be saved by grace and quoted Ephesians 2:8-9 from the Bible:

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

This was the first time I had heard these verses. I jumped up and quoted a passage from the Book of Mormon:

“…it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” (2 Nephi 25:23)

I told him that we have to do everything we can, and what we can’t do, grace fills in. We had to work to get ourselves into heaven. The sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross was only for our physical resurrection.
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If we wanted to get into the celestial kingdom we had to earn our own way.
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My class and I debated with him on the Mormon teachings about salvation and exaltation into Godhood. After our discussion, he said that he could see that what we were saying was the truth and that he must be converted to Mormonism. I was commended for my excellent proselytizing tactics and told I would make a good missionary. This boosted my confidence in my religion and myself.

After class I found out the man was really a returned Mormon missionary, only playing the part to help train us. It didn’t matter to me. I was happy knowing that I had succeeded in my first big lesson in converting someone to the LDS faith.

I loved my religion and was very self-righteous. I lived my religion to the fullest, loving the idea that my husband and I could someday be exalted to a god and a goddess in heaven, thinking that I was well on my way to accomplish this. I was very proud to be a Mormon and I thought very highly of myself.

There was no doubt in my mind that I would reach the celestial kingdom. I knew I had been living up to the standards set forth by the church. I attended our ward faithfully, paid my tithe and kept the word of wisdom. I was baptized for the dead and I dated only after the age of 16 and then it was only couple-dating. I was keeping myself morally clean so I could get married in the temple.

I knew I could achieve the goals I had set for myself. The only man I wanted to marry would be a returned Mormon missionary who was as righteous as I thought I was. We would go to the temple to be sealed together for eternity. Mormon doctrine claims that if a couple has a celestial or temple marriage they will be married throughout eternity and continue to procreate and fill their own world. Civil or marriages performed outside the temples are until death or divorce only.
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My desire was that my husband and I would continue to advance our positions of responsibility and prestige until eventually he would become the “prophet” and I would be the “prophet’s wife.” This was a position I knew I could fill. Throughout my life, I had been told I would be exalted, earning my own place in heaven, so I continued to work hard to insure my place in the highest level of heaven.

I Meet My Future Husband

When I was a senior in high school, I met my future husband. He was nothing like the man I had intended on marrying. In fact, he was just the opposite.

I met him one day when my Sunday school teacher (who was a returned Mormon missionary) was seen going into a house which was designated “off limits” to my girlfriends and me because boys who drank and did drugs partied there. We knew we needed to rescue our teacher, so my friends and I went up to the house. There we saw our teacher smoking and drinking. I couldn’t believe it.

We were met by four other boys who were also Mormon and three of them just happened to be in my ward. They were all smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. I assumed these guys just needed someone to get them back into the LDS church and I thought I was just the one to do it.

Richard was one of the boys who was drinking and doing drugs. I liked him instantly, but if I were to date him, he would have to conform to the standards of the Mormon church. I then made it my duty to try and mold him into the perfect Mormon man I wanted him to be.

My Fall into Sin Begins

My girlfriends and I continued to spend time with them until we all became very good friends. At first it was easy to resist the alcohol and drugs. But eventually my resistance wore down.

Several of my ward members accused me of doing things with these guys and this made me mad. Up to this point I had never drank, taken drugs or even kissed Richard. But slowly, my high moral standards started to decline. Instead of molding Richard into what I wanted him to be, he began reshaping me. I started to drink. Not much at first, but eventually I couldn’t wait for the weekends so we could get drunk.

I finally graduated from high school and did not have to be under the watchful eye of my seminary teacher and classmates. I was sliding downhill fast. I didn’t stop at alcohol; I also tried speed and cocaine. Richard and I went to the bars to dance and drink. I knew I was no longer the righteous girl I once thought I was. My dreams and goals were quickly slipping out of my reach.

I started attending cosmetology school during the day and working at night. All the while, I was falling deeper in love with Richard. Occasionally he would go to our ward with me, when his hangovers weren’t too bad, which wasn’t very often.

I had stopped the drugs, but was still drinking. I kept falling deeper into sin, although I never realized I was sinning against God. I only thought I was being disobedient to the Mormon church.

“Oh no… I’m Pregnant”

I eventually found out I was pregnant. My life became unbearable. Several people in my ward turned their back on me. Others could only say, “I told you so.” Some were nice, but not very many.

Richard and I had been engaged for over a year and I thought our getting married would help bring back some of the respect I wished for. But we had been having some problems. I was stubborn and still wanted my temple marriage, and I blamed Richard for all of my failed dreams.

Richard disliked me for making him feel like he was being trapped into marriage, and I resented him for everything that had happened to me. Because of this, we did not get married. Here I was, an unwed, pregnant Mormon girl. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. How could this have happened to me?

I finished cosmetology school but I no longer wanted to do hair, so I got a job in a day care. My heart broke as I took care of children who came from broken homes because I knew my own child was facing this same fate.

Richard and I saw each other once in a while, but our families didn’t make it any easier on us. Mine disliked him, his disliked me. I cried myself to sleep night after night; hating the circumstances which had brought me to this deep despair. I only attended my ward once in a while now. I could not stand to see everyone’s looks of pity and disappointment.

Finally, I had my baby. While I was in the hospital before she was born, how I wished Richard and I had been married, but it didn’t happen. We had a beautiful little girl and I was a single mother. Fear gripped my heart as I wondered how I could take care of her.

My family was very good to me during this time. They helped me and gave me all the love and support I needed. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted a husband and wanted my daughter to know her father.

Richard was buying his own home so I moved in with him. He was a good father but our living together did not solve any of our problems; it only made them worse. I had stopped drinking when I found out I was pregnant and was now trying to pull my life together.

Life was miserable for all of us. I had sunk so low into sin that I could hardly stand myself. Long gone were the days when I considered myself good enough to be a Goddess over my own world.

Getting Married Doesn’t Help

Richard and I knew something needed to be done about our situation, so we got married. I wanted a big, beautiful wedding but we just appeared before a Justice of the Peace. Richard had gone to a party the night before we got married and got so drunk that he barely arrived at the courthouse that morning because he had a hangover.

Once again, this was nothing like I had envisioned for myself. It was awful. A few of our family members came but the day turned out to be a big disappointment for me. No beautiful dress, no bridesmaids, no walking down the aisle, no celebration, nothing fancy; just simply saying “I do” to a man who could barely stand up.