Secrets in the Lyrics (16 page)

She’s right, I did abandon her.  I am just like my dad.  Seeing her having coffee
with someone else, talking and laughing, almost killed me.  I wanted to rip that guy’s
fucking head off,
well if he didn’t look like damn Arnold Schwarzenegger did in the eighties.
  Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m pretty tough, but that guy could’ve killed me.

             
I know in my heart though that we can only be in this band together.  I need to go
back to my one night stands and blow jobs in the broom closet.  I was a lot better
person to her when I wasn’t that close to her.

             
Once we finish the longest practice of my life, I can see the pain still in her eyes
when she looks at me.  Well, I’m not sure if it’s pain or hate.  I wouldn’t blame
her if she hates me. 

Making my way back to my room, I bump into a chic.  She’s fucking hot and smiles at
me with sex appeal dripping from her.  I give her my signature cocky grin.  “Sorry,
I didn’t see you there.”

She smiles, “It’s okay.”

“So, are you in the military?”

“No, I’m a contractor.  I work for MWR, and you are Gable Johnson with the band.”

I nod.  “Well, you’ve done your research on me and I feel at a loss because I don’t
even know your name.”

“It’s Celanie.  Like Melanie but with a C.”

“So Celanie, what do you do with MWR?”

             
“Well, I work over at the rec center.  I help run the gym, organize social nights,
and stuff like that.”

             
“So you wanna go grab a bite to eat or some coffee?  You can tell me more about you.”

             
She grins.  “Oh, you wanna know more about me?”

             
“Sure do.”

             
She nods.  “Okay, then.  Let’s go.”

~*~*~

             
I wake up this morning thinking about how last night has to be one of the most fucking
embarrassing nights of my entire life.

             
Celanie and I grabbed some food and coffee.  She was fucking hot.  My thoughts on
the matter were the old saying,
“The best way to get over one woman is to get on top of another one.”

             
I turn on all of my sweet guy charms. It works, and a couple of hours later, we’re
in her room.  She’s all over me, standing up as she peels off her clothes.  Damn,
she has some nice fucking tits.  She rakes her hands down my chest to my belt buckle,
sliding my pants and boxers down, but as soon as she goes to put her mouth on me,
I can’t do it.  I back away but she pulls me back to her and puts my dick in her mouth. 
Too many flashes of Ivie saying my name flash before me.  I pull away again.  “Stop. 
Sorry, I can’t do this.  I just can’t.”

She shakes her head and sits back on her feet.  She smirks.  “Damn, that’s a shame.”

I pull up my pants and button them.  “Sorry, look, it really has nothing to do with
you.  I’ve got a bunch of shit going on in my head.”

“Girl at home?”

“Something like that.”

“Well, I’m gonna be here for a few more weeks if you change your mind.”

I smile, she just wants a good time.  “Come by the show tomorrow, I’ll introduce you
to Keeg and Stoney.”

She pulls a long T-Shirt over her head.  “Sounds like a plan.”

I walked out of her room feeling like a big fucking piece of shit.  What is it with
me here lately?  I can’t be a normal person so I’m just going to fuck up everyone
else’s life along with it.

We have a few hours until the show.  I grab my guitar and start fiddling with it again. 
Rex said we needed some original stuff when we come back stateside.

I start strumming the song I’ve already started writing.

You unlock the door and climb inside-

             
You don’t need seat belts for this ride-

             
You take my heart and hold it in your hands-

             
Taking for granted where you stand-

             
I’ve never been one to let go of control-

             
But with you I seem to do that more-

I always seem to screw things up with you-

For some reason I always do-

You’re the one I must confess-

You tilt my heart off its axis-

How do I repay you? I break yours in two-

I owe you more-

Someone beating on my door draws me out of my writing.

I open the door to a pissed off Keeg. “You are killing her, man.  Now I didn’t get
in this all before when Stoney was ready to fucking kill you, but I may be ready now. 
Why in the fuck are you doing this to her?  Hasn’t she been through enough?”

“What do you mean?”

“She saw you last night.”

Those words echo through my brain.

“That wasn’t what it looked like.  Plus, she was out with some guy yesterday.  Afterward
she told me to stay the fuck away from her and out of her business.  That if it didn’t
pertain to the band, she had nothing to say to me.”

“She was having coffee in a public place, not walking out of a guy’s room adjusting
her clothes.  Dude, you know how many times that girl has had her fucking heart ripped
out.  She is putting those walls back up.  She’s separating herself again and we may
not get her back this time.  If you weren’t going to take care of her, you should
have just left her the fuck alone.  She kept a secret from you for less than twelve
hours, grow the fuck up, man.”

“I’m backing away from her, giving her what she asked for.  She wasn’t even sure she
was going to keep my baby, so how can I be sure she’d have told me about it?”

“Because it’s fucking Ivie.  You know, the girl who always has our back.  The one
who ran that fucking crazy chick out of Stoney’s that decided to set up shop there. 
The one who made that bitch, Kara, admit that she wasn’t really pregnant with my baby. 
She’s always looked out for us and yes, we looked out for her, too.  But man, you
just became another statistic in her book.  You are another person who made her feel
like she’s not worth anything.  Congratulations.  When we get home, we may be looking
for a new bass player.”

“She won’t quit, she loves music too much.”

“No, she loves you too much.  She can’t handle it, but I’ll give her credit, she has
lady balls enough to try.  But I also saw college info and her transcripts.  She’s
making other plans for her life.  A life without us.”

He walks out of my room slamming the door.

Fuck, I was just told off by Keeg.  Not to mention the song I just wrote was completely
for Ivie.  I’ve got to get my shit together.

Squalling my eyeballs out like a kid was not how I intended to spend the night before
and hours before my first USO show.

I know I said all of that shit to him yesterday, but I guess the finality of our situation
hit me last night when I saw him walking out of that blonde Barbie bitch’s room.

All of those things he said to me about my body being perfect the way it was and me
being all the sex appeal he ever needed were all lies.  He dumps me and goes for the
first breast implants and butt lift he sees.

Keeg came by a little bit ago to bring me some coffee and took one look at me and
threatened to call Scarlet if I didn’t start talking.

When I talked to him about college, he said he was happy for me and could understand
why I would want to go, but couldn’t I take classes online or something? 

He left out of here damn near taking my door off the hinges.

I take out my bass and start popping out chords, trying to work up some new music.

I don’t know if I’ll ever trust you again-

You crushed me and left me-

I can’t do this anymore-

Even though it’s the hardest thing I’ll go through-

I know I’ll never get over you-

You abandoned me and it didn’t take you long-

To find a new bed to keep you warm-

I should’ve know this was all too good to be true-

I happen to glance at the clock and realize I have one hour to get ready for our show.

I lay my bass on my cot and start getting my hair and make-up done.  I rush a little
faster knowing that Judd is supposed to be waiting on me so he can meet the guys. 
He was really nice when we talked yesterday.  I can totally see why Annabelle is in
love with him.  She may not admit it but she is, and I can tell he feels that way
about her, too.

Making my way to the stage, I see Judd standing by the security entrance.  “Hey, I
told you to go on back.”

“Yeah, I decided I’d wait on you.  That guy in the coffee shop yesterday looked like
he wanted to tear me limb from fucking limb.  Now, I know he can’t do it, but I also
don’t want him to try.”  We both chuckle.

“Okay.  Let’s go.”

Making our way backstage, I see Keeg, Stoney and Gable staring at me.

“Hey guys, this is Judd.  He’s Ryder’s best friend from home.  We ran into each other
yesterday.  He’s only gonna be here for another day or so.  I figured since he’s a
hometown boy, we’d give him the ultimate backstage experience.”

I see Gable’s facial expression soften but not much.

Judd puts his hand out and shakes theirs.  “Nice to meet you guys.”  He looks at Gable. 
“Man, you’ve got an awesome sister.  She’s the greatest thing that ever happened to
my buddy.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

“You know, I always knew it’d only take Ryder finding that one girl to tear his walls
down around his heart.”  Judd shakes his head while he’s talking.

I bark out a laugh.  Everyone looks at me and I shrug my shoulders.  “Walls are good,
and they are there for a reason, to keep people out.”  I turn and walk off before
I say anymore.

~*~*~

I haven’t been in touch with Judd since he left here.  We only have a few more shows
here before we go to Afghanistan.  Playing for soldiers has been some of the greatest
moments in my life.  I’m still playing with the thoughts of leaving this life behind,
but I can’t make up my mind.

Being a part of this band is the only thing that has made me feel human for the past
four years.  These guys are my family.

True, Gable and I are still steering clear of each other, but maybe, just maybe, we
can get past this.  We can go back to acting like we’ve never been more than friends.

Who am I kidding?  I curl into a ball with my pillow and doze off.

“Mmm. Oh shit, Gable, right there.”

“Fuck baby, nothing feels like your pussy.”

He thrusts into me harder and faster.  “Fuck, Gable.  Oh God! Harder!”

He grabs my hips, flipping me over on to my knees, and starts pounding into me from
behind.  He grabs a handful of my hair, slamming into me.

“Oh GOD!  GABLE!”

“I love you, baby.  I never stopped.”

I hear the headboard pounding into the wall and someone talking.

I jump at the sound of someone pounding on my door. 
Fuck a dream really?

“Ivie!  Open the door.”

I stand up and open the door to a grinning Keeg.  “I could hear you, you know.  Damn,
if Gable wasn’t the reason I was coming here to see you, I would’ve sworn he was in
there.”

“Fuck you.  What do you want?  What’s wrong with Gable?  Crabs?  The clap?  They make
shots and lice kits for that shit.”

“No, his Dad has been in touch with Scarlet.”

I can see by the look on Keeg’s face this isn’t good.

“Fuck.” I say putting my shoes on to walk out the door.