Secrets (11 page)

Tess knocked on the study door later that afternoon and called her request through. Joe's been in there all day, she hasn't seen him at all.

‘Sure.’

‘Oh – and would you like me to rustle up some supper later?’

After a pause. ‘Don't worry about me.’

Tess's turn to pause, laying her forehead gently against the door. ‘I'm not worried about you,’ she said quietly. ‘I'll be cooking for myself anyway. It's no trouble.’

A sigh from inside. ‘OK.’

‘Don't let me twist your arm!’ she muttered and stomped off.

‘Look – sorry. Fine – I'd love some food.’

‘OK. And it's OK to use the phone?’

‘Yes. I told you – it's fine.’

That he should sound irritated irked Tess but her desire to spend time with him is stronger. He's just hard at work, she told herself, building bridges.

‘Hullo, Claire? It's your long-lost sister… I'm fine – how are you? How are the kids? Good. Good… I'm in Saltburn – in the North-East… Me – on
holiday
? Don't be daft!… I've left London – for good, hopefully …A few weeks ago… Heard from Mum? Dad? My mobile doesn't work – shall I give you this number, you know, just for emergencies? No… No …Yes …Pretty shit, really… No – that's not why I've phoned… Pardon? No, I haven't heard from him – not for months, not since Em's birthday… Don't say that. You know what he's like. Anyway, I think he's still in the States. No – no, he hasn't. I didn't ask again, not after the last time… He hasn't got any money, you know that, Claire. Can we change the subject, please? I'm working here in Saltburn… No, not
that
– not any more. I'm doing Property Management …Well, I'm house-sitting… No, it's more than that – actually I'm looking after a bridge builder and his home.’

She was relieved to have made the call, which wasn't to say that she'd enjoyed it in the slightest. It would take her an hour or so to recover and feel better about herself. But she was used to that. She simply couldn't afford not to touch base with her sister every now and then.

The only phone in the entire house is the one in the main entrance hall. And Joe found himself helpless not to hover at his study door and eavesdrop. And afterwards, he found it impossible to work but he stayed in his study and thought about things until Tess called him for supper.

He looked at his plate heaped high with locally caught fish, home-made chips, peas and carrots. On the table a new bottle of ketchup, flakes of sea salt in one of the little dishes from Hong Kong he'd forgotten he had. White wine in one glass and water in another. He glanced across at Tess. She'd been quite right to tell her sister how she was looking after him and his home. Quietly, he considered it a shame he had to go tomorrow, to be away quite so often. But then he remembered this morning, when she was hanging out washing. He didn't want to think about it but he knew he didn't want to forget it either. It was confusing. Perhaps it was good that he was leaving tomorrow.

‘So, Tess,’ he said between mouthfuls, ‘what'll you get up to when I'm gone again?’

She thought about it. ‘With your say-so, I'd like to start on the sitting room – the TV room. And we really could make better use of the boot store. It is a
room
, you know.’

‘
We?
’

Tess reddened a little. ‘There's good paint you can buy now – it's scrubbable,’ she hurried. ‘It would be perfect. Will the Everything Shop sell it, do you think? Could I put it on your tab?’

Joe nodded. ‘No doubt they have a pot or two at the back somewhere, under the jigsaw puzzles, next to the ericaceous plant food, behind the home-brewery kit.’

Tess laughed. ‘Opposite the cotton reels and just across from the mousetraps?’

‘Or I can bring you some back,’ Joe said. ‘I may not stay in London that long – I may come back before heading off to France.’

He'd only just thought of this.

They caught each other's glance and looked away.

‘Or I may go and visit friends in Kent,’ he said with a nonchalant tap at the base of the ketchup bottle. ‘Chislehurst.’

‘Cool,’ Tess said breezily, as if it was no concern of hers where he went, when.

‘More wine?’

‘Please.’

Joe held the wine bottle aloft, appearing to scrutinize the label as if he harboured some concern over the vintage or the vineyard. He wasn't. But he needed a moment.

‘Pass your glass, Tess, and call me a nosy old sod and you don't have to answer, but Emmeline's dad? I mean, I was wondering – you know – about him. Whether he'll be coming – here – to visit, perhaps?’

He said it all so quickly, so conversationally whilst he poured wine, that however intrusive the question might have been, it didn't come across as such and Tess found herself answering. She hadn't noticed the two small lines that remained between Joe's brows; punctuation marks of discomfort that belied the light tone of his voice.

‘He won't be coming up to Saltburn. You see – well, you'll have guessed we're not together. Actually, he doesn't really visit much.’

‘Were you together for long?’

Tess traced her finger around the rim of the glass as if to elicit sound. Her voice, when it came, had the volume on low. ‘For about six weeks,’ she said. Then she cleared her throat, smiled a little meekly and spoke up. ‘We were together for about six weeks. And then he went travelling. Which was when I found out I was pregnant. It's all a bit of a cliché.’

The food was finished but Joe dabbed at the smear of ketchup on his plate and then sucked his finger thoughtfully.

‘He's a musician,’ Tess continued though Joe hadn't asked. In fact, all he was going to ask was whether she wanted a cup of tea. He thought she might want a change of subject; he was surprised that she didn't.

‘Or at least he likes to say he's a musician, though he never seems to play much more than themes and variations on “House of the Rising Sun”. The problem is, he's very handsome. Well, it's a problem for everyone else, you see. He's stunningly good-looking, really – luckily Em's inherited his looks. But he's one of those free spirits. Born in the wrong generation, you could say. The Woodstock era would have been so much more his thing.’

‘Where is he based?’ Joe asked though he'd eavesdropped about the States earlier from Tess's phone call. He'd prefer facts over these superlatives of the bloke's beauty.

‘He's a “wherever he lays his hat is his home” type.’

Joe was surprised that she smiled so wistfully and spoke with generosity when he felt that this fake rock-star sounded like a vain, irresponsible loser.

‘He's Canadian. I met him in London. He was en route to Europe. Now he's in the States. He wants to
do
Australia. And then he'll probably start all over again.’

‘Is he a good father?’

Tess wished she could reply quicker and in the affirmative so she employed vagueness instead. ‘He means well. He's not what you'd call “hands-on”. But he's simply one of those people it's just really difficult to get cross with. He has another child. Another daughter – she's five, apparently. So Em has a half-sister, somewhere in Toronto. Which'll be great when she's older. He's full of love and wonder at the world – he's just a bit crap with the practicalities.’

Her response baffled Joe – such equanimity from the woman who could be belligerent with him in an instant.

‘And his name is?’

‘Dick.’ Pre-emptively, she flicked a stray pea on the table at Joe. ‘Don't laugh.’

‘I'm not,’ said Joe. ‘The name fits. Does he support you?’

‘Dick?’ She was incredulous. ‘He's the archetypal penniless musician – he's like a latter-day strolling troubadour! He's only a step away from having worldly possessions small enough to fit in a hanky on the end of a stick, à la Dick Whittington.’

‘Dick Whittington went on to become incredibly famous and wealthy.’

Tess shrugged. ‘Dick's no Dick Whittington, Joe. He's gorgeous and charismatic and I fell for him, but I knew. I knew from when I first saw him, strumming away in Finsbury Park. I knew after the first kiss. After our first night together. During those madcap six weeks. I knew he wouldn't stay. And when I found out I was pregnant. I knew he wouldn't come back.’

Joe rolled the pea gently under his fingertip as he considered this. ‘Brave of you, Tess. To – you know – proceed.’

Tess shook her head. ‘Not brave, Joe, not really. My sister said I was stupid. Tamsin, my best friend, warned me how difficult it would be. But it was easy to make the decision. Being pregnant was the first thing in my life that seemed to slot into place seamlessly with my future. So many other uncertainties. But carrying Em was not one of them. My child would be my constant.’

‘You and her together, hey?’

‘She and me.’

He topped up their glasses. She gave him a half-smile combined with a small shrug.

‘Do you find it hard, Tess?’ The wine had made the question flow and there was an audible trickle of tenderness with it.

She looked at him with her head tilted, as if assessing the intent behind his enquiry. ‘Dick?’ She gave the same smile–shrug. ‘My love for Em soon made me realize that what I'd felt for Dick was just – well, it wasn't love at all. It was a crush. And hormones.’

But Joe wasn't smiling; he was still looking at her intently. ‘I didn't mean not having this Dick in your life – if you'll pardon the expression. I meant –
your
life. As a single mum. Do you find that hard, Tess? All
this
, on your own?’

Though Tess was quiet for only a moment, her silence was pronounced.

She wore the same carefully composed smile but her eyes now belied it, filmed by a sudden smart of tears which he could see she was fighting to control. Eventually, she looked up and nodded. ‘It is hard, Joe,’ she said. ‘Sometimes. I feel quite alone. Sometimes.’

He thought of her on the landing, enslaved by loneliness. ‘Yet you've come all the way up here – did you not leave a support network behind in London?’

‘Em
is
my family. And I might be stupid – but I'm strong and I
will
cope. Actually, it's a breath of fresh air up here – even if I have filled it with paint fumes.’

She was trying to lighten the conversation but Joe wanted to say, you're bullshitting, Tess. And he wanted to say, the thing is I saw you crying by yourself. And though he wanted to ask her what was making her cry, he really couldn't do that, could he. And therefore he couldn't very well say, Tess, don't cry on your own. And there were two reasons he couldn't voice any of these thoughts.

What could he do about any of it – not least because he'd be gone again tomorrow?

And who was she anyway? He had to keep reminding himself. Just his employee – that's how she saw herself, wasn't it?

Joe had to concede that any dynamic which had developed over the last few days, was tonight both heightened and limited by wine and time. He was off again tomorrow. Whatever he asked tonight and whatever she told him could have only temporary resonance. He told himself, you're pissed you idiot, so shut up.

Then he told himself he ought to draw on the ability he'd honed over the years to fade a woman into the background of his mind's eye whenever he left a location. Just as she really ought to fade into the background on the occasions he returned to this location. As his previous house-sitters had done without him even asking. The ones who'd asked him for a contract or the pack he'd prepared at the very least. This strange girl might be just another house-sitter, but she was currently doing the sitting at his table at his behest, drinking wine and giving compelling answers to questions he was kicking himself for asking in the first place.