Secretly More (23 page)

She heaved an impatient sigh and fought through the crowd. A Sublime song pulsed from the speakers, and everyone in the vicinity erupted into a sing-along. She’d witnessed this sort of phenomenon happen before, yet it never failed to surprise her. It wasn’t even a song that received a lot of radio airplay aside from college stations, and even then it had to be heavily edited to the point of no recognition. Still, everyone’s shoulders moved to the relaxed groove like they were one.

A generic hot girl, with too-straight hair and a beakish nose that was overlooked in favor of her size-zero midriff, scrambled atop the coffee table, which wobbled beneath all ninety-five pounds of her. She swayed to the beat, using her beer bottle as a microphone as she sang the Spanish verses dead-on but in a painful, off-key voice reminiscent of a cat piano, the felines screaming their pain in different note as their tails were yanked.

But her spectacle was the stuff of male arousal. Moquest, for one, dropped to his knees below her and reached for her as he thrust his pelvis in her direction. It didn’t take much, yet somehow it took more than Kimber even knew and she suddenly felt guilty, like an interloper stumbling upon a tribe’s sacred mating ritual she had no understanding of.

The girl drunkenly teetered off the table and landed in Moquest’s arms with a dizzy spin, and they both laughed, holding each other tight in a way that meant more than just sex. It dawned on Kimber that the girl was likely the naughty nurse who’d replaced the saucy stripper. Kimber had heard via casino gossip that Moquest had been raving about her to anyone with ears the past few weeks, and she had been expecting the nurse to give Helen of Troy a run for her dough, with hair done up in jewels, a face holding perfect symmetry, and not a tan line in sight. However, his latest ladylove looked like any other toned, giggly barfly with a vodka blush staining her cheeks. Still, they looked happy, and that was more Kimber could say for herself.

Moquest and his nurse straightened, and Kimber tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled around, a giant grin on his face as his eyes lit up. His genuine, undisguised happiness was almost enough to lift her mood, but not quite. She tossed her hands up and slapped them against her thighs. “Well, here I am.”

“I see that.” He pointed to the ceiling. “Just head on up to my room.”

“Yeah, right. The last time I did that—”

“—you couldn’t thank me enough.” Moquest smirked and crossed his arms over his expansive chest, his stance challenging her to defy him.

She narrowed her eyes at him, her annoyance and frustration mounting. “Matthew—”

“Just go on.” He spared a few moments to leave his new squeeze, spin Kimber around, and guide her toward the narrow staircase. “Don’t be shy.”

“There’s a different between being shy and being weirded out.” Kimber jogged up the steps, having no other choice with Moquest behind her, steering her to the second floor.

“You know, I don’t really like your Negative Nancy attitude. You should go back to being slutty, skirt-over-your-head Kimber. You were more fun then.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to kill you.”

“Wow, good thing you put a disclaimer on that or else I would’ve been totally scared.” Moquest paused outside his closed bedroom door and gestured to it. “Well?”

Kimber eyed him with mistrust as she slowly gave the knob a twist. As soon as the door cracked, Moquest’s hands were on her back, shoving her inside and slamming the door behind her.

She whipped around and slapped the door. “Why are you such a freak?”

Her response was the click of a key turning in the lock and Moquest’s cackle.

“Good Lord.” Kimber rolled her eyes as she heard Moquest thunder down the stairs and return to the party. She glanced around the room, and her exasperated appraisal ended her confusion and sent a bolt of shock through her core.

Jay stood near Moquest’s window, looking just as miserable as she felt.

“Oh.” She raked her teeth over her bottom lip and tried to smile, even though she felt like crying. “Hey.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed with a gulp. “Hey,” he said, his voice scratchy, like he wasn’t used to talking.

Suddenly there didn’t seem to be anything left to say. Informal chitchat seemed inane and everything else felt too unwieldy, too frightening. She gave the knob a futile twist then sank onto the edge of bed, resigned to the hopelessness and the unavoidable awkwardness even though she despised the silence between them. Jay was her best friend. She’d told him everything—
everything
. Now a conversation felt like heart surgery without the anesthesia.

Jay cleared his throat. “Moquest thought this would be an opportunity for us to talk. Maybe he’s right.”

Nervous tremors rippled through her. “What’s to talk about?”

“Jesus, Kimber, really? Where do I even start?” Jay paced the room, raking his hands through his hair. “I can’t do small talk with you. Not now, not ever. I won’t even try.” He stopped and faced her, looking more distraught than Kimber had ever seen him. “So that leaves only the big stuff.”

“Right.” Kimber gulped like she was swallowing razor blades.

“Like I said, I don’t know where to begin, but I guess I have to at some point.” Jay took a deep breath. “We both know I’ve done a terrible, unforgivable thing. I was selfish. I betrayed you. I violated you and any trust you ever had for me, and it makes me sick.”

He sucked hard on his lower lip and squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t blame you if you hate me. I hate me. I had no idea I could be such an awful person. But listen—and I know I sound insane and depraved and delusional—but I just want you to know how much I truly, completely love you. I always have. Aside from this mess we’re currently in, that’s been the only secret I’ve ever kept from you and it’s been my biggest one. And it breaks my fucking heart that I was so preoccupied and scared I’d never be with you at all that I totally disregarded anything you wanted, and I obliterated all the good times and memories we still had left between us. I wish there was something I could do to go back in time and be mature and respect your decision that you just wanted to be friends. Then I could still be a part of your life, and you’d be a part of mine, and I know now, no matter what, that will always be better than being without you.”

Kimber let out a few sad gasps, willing her tears not to fall as she stared at the floor, his words drilling holes in her last remaining reasons to never forgive him.

“Even though all the evidence points to me being the world’s biggest scumbag, I would never intentionally hurt you,” he continued, his voice cracking. “You’re my best friend and the girl I love. Like I said, I was a selfish prick, but I also wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to be with a stranger who didn’t care about you at all, someone who wouldn’t feel like being with you was as good as life got. That’s what you deserve—to feel special, like you matter. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

A brief pause followed his monologue. “I know it’s messed up to even ask,” he said carefully, “but since you haven’t punched me in the face yet, I just have to know—is there any chance that we can someday get past this?” He swallowed hard. “I know that’s asking a lot from you, and you don’t have to answer right now. Just think about it. And I swear to God, I’ll never bring up being more than friends with you again. I just—”

“What if I want to?” she whispered, her voice rusty as her nervous gaze met his. “What if I want to be more than friends?”

He watched her for a long moment, his expression that of a man suspicious that the universe was playing one big, cruel joke on him. “
Is
that what you want?”

“Yes.” She lowered her eyes, her confession scaring her. “But I don’t know how.”

Jay released a gusty sigh. “Kimber, I don’t have any right telling you how or when to forgive me or if you even should. But you know that being with you—really being with you—is the one thing that I want most, and if you want that, too, I
will
figure out a way to make this all up to you.”

They were silent for a moment, and Kimber realized the only thing separating them now was air and her pride. Now that they flirted with the concept of reconciliation, she looked up again with a sudden burst of playful bravery. “Would you shave off your eyebrows?”

His eyes widened. “Would I what?”

“Shave off your eyebrows.” She mimed using a razor over her own brows, hoping he didn’t notice how much she was shaking. “For my forgiveness.”

He breathed out a laugh. “Only if you’d actually forgive me afterward. If you wouldn’t, then no. And keep in mind you’d be the one who’d have to look at me.”

“Nuh-uh.” She wrapped her arms around her waist and pressed her lips together, trying to hide her mischievous smile. “I’d just wear a blindfold.”

“Oh, aren’t you just so goddamned funny.” He lunged at her, digging his fingers in her ribs, making her shriek with laughter.

“Okay, okay, give.” She curled into a fetal position to protect her body, which she felt hyper aware of now that he was so close and touching her. “Give!”

He stopped tickling her and took hold of her wrists, tugging her so she was sitting up and facing him. “Seriously. Tell me what you want me to do and whatever it is, I’ll do it, because Kimber, honestly, you’re it for me. And we’ve already done almost everything a couple can do, so I feel like we should at least try to be one.”

“I know.” Kimber swallowed hard and looked away. “But I’m scared.”

“So am I. How do you think it is for me, wondering if you’ll still want me with your eyes open? I’ve got a lot to lose here, too. But I don’t know why we can’t be scared together and figure it all out. I just want one chance at having something real with you.”

“One chance is all you need.” Her words were little more than a croak as she echoed his earlier vow.

His expression softened and he nodded. “That’s right. Now come here, you,” he said as he pulled her off the bed and into his arms.

An intense shyness bloomed through Kimber, both of them teetering on the brink of weird, foreign territory that she, until recently, never thought existed, let alone toyed with the idea of visiting. But it seemed even stranger to do nothing at all, so when Jay dipped his head and kissed her, slowly, softly, nipping his lips with hers, she responded in kind.

Kimber felt the room become a whole new place during that kiss. She allowed herself to relax, contentment overriding her anxiety. He swept his tongue inside her mouth, and her fear that being with Jay—her best friend, the boy she knew too well—like this would be too bizarre to work ebbed in favor of excitement. It wasn’t weird, it was wonderful. His mouth felt so right on hers, his lips firm and pillowy and making her dizzy with want. Her excitement mounted at the thought that she could be kissed like this every single day if she wanted to. She draped her arms around him and kissed him with a fervor she’d been saving for the right one without knowing she’d been saving it.

He pulled away slowly, trapping her lower lip between his teeth and giving it a tug before releasing it with a laugh and shake of his head. “I’m sorry.” He opened his eyes, smoky with desire. “You’re just sort of blowing my mind a little here.”

“I know.” She put a hand to her mouth in an unsuccessful attempt to hide her nervous giggle. “It’s definitely different. But it’s fun. I support it.”

“Good. I’m glad you’re a fan.” He rested his forehead against hers. “This is going to sound lame as hell, but I want to be your Moan.”

She burst out laughing. “You think you can give me physical, emotional,
and
spiritual orgasms?”

“Just give me the chance.” Jay leaned in and gave her a brief kiss. “But for now, what do you think about getting the hell out of here? I sort of need to take you on our first date, like, now.”

“How’re we supposed to get out? Moquest locked the door.”

He led her toward the window and snapped up the blinds. “That’s what the fire escape is for.”

“Fantastic. This date’s already off to a brilliant start.”

He grinned and kissed her again. “Finally.”

Chapter Ten

“Good God.”

Jay looked up from his task of shoving the futon into place and did a double take as Kimber staggered into apartment 18’s living room through the open front door, swaying from the weight of the cardboard box in her arms. “Please tell me you think this should go—oh, say, on the floor about two inches from where I’m standing.”

“Yes, Jesus, drop it.” He straightened and hurried over to her as she let out an
oof
and heaved the heavy box into his waiting arms. “Why are you even carrying this?”