Secret Worlds (437 page)

One early spring morning, I returned from target practice, the crossbow in hand and quiver on my back, to find Nora resting against the bumper of her beat-up pickup truck. When I approached, she spit on the ground.

“You’ve been practicing again,” she said.

“Yup.” I walked by her and onto the porch where I placed my bow. “You’re here early. What’s up?”

“I’m old, fat, and tired. That’s what’s up.” Nora spit again. “And I’m tired of wasting my time.”

“Excuse me?” I turned around, startled by her words, and for the first time in a long time, I really looked at her. Nora’s head was sprinkled with gray hair, more so then the thick brown hair I remembered her having, and she seemed thinner. My eyes widened. “Has so much time passed?”

“It ran right over the top of me.”

I took a few steps toward her. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”

“About that. It’s time you put your big girl panties on and get out into the world. No more hiding.”

I smiled. “I know. I’ll leave in the morning.”

Nora laughed, but it turned into a sharp cough. When she finished, she wiped her mouth the back of her hand. “You’ve been saying that bull crap for seven years.”

I gasped. “Seven years?”

“Seven long years for me, but you still don’t look a day over nineteen.”

I looked down. “I never explained—”

“And you don’t have to. I’ve seen stranger things than a girl who doesn’t age.” Nora spit again. “I can’t come up here no more. I’ve got family out west who’s going to take care of me.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is getting you out of this hellhole you’ve created for yourself. I kept thinking you’d grow tired here, but you’ve become too comfortable. Someone needs to kick your ass into action, and seeing how I’m the only one around, it might as well be me.”

My legs grew weak, and I stumbled back until I collapsed into a chair on the porch.

Nora straightened and came slowly toward me as if approaching a skiddish animal. “I know this will be hard, but you have to listen to me. You are too valuable a person to simply exist in some remote part of the world. People out there need you, your gifts and your talents, but the only way you’ll be of any use to anyone is if you learn to feel again. The good, the bad, the ugly, which I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of.”

I shook my head vehemently. “I can’t do that.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I’m afraid of myself, of what I might do. All I know is hate and anger.”

Nora straightened and rocked back on her heels. “There’s only one thing that will destroy that. You have to forgive. Forgive all those who have caused you pain.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Anyone tell you, you complain a lot? Nothing’s impossible. You just take a forgiveness knife to your heart and cut out all that hate, otherwise you’ll continue this empty existence forever.”

My heart raced. “Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve it!”

Nora reached out and placed her surprisingly warm hand on my cheek. “It’s not for them, dear. It’s for you, because
you
deserve it.”

“I don’t know how to forgive.” I wasn’t even sure I knew how to feel anymore.

Nora squatted in front of me until she was at eye level. “Deal with the past, with all those who have hurt you. And as you remember, you’ll find that with everything they did to you, you had a choice in how you responded, whether it was to run away or let yourself be filled with hate. They may have bound you physically, but they couldn’t touch your mind. Think back. They never had any power over you. They still don’t, if you don’t let them. Once you realize this, you will be able to forgive because you know they can never hurt you again. And then, despite any obstacles, you will be free to experience happiness and love.”

I scowled. “I wouldn’t know what to do with love.”

Nora smiled. “That doesn’t matter. Love will know what to do with you.” She straightened and removed an envelope from her back pocket. “Let this be your last letter, Eve. Remember your life. See that they had no power over you. Then forgive.”

After dropping the letter into my lap, Nora touched the top of my head and then walked to her truck. The rumbling of the engine coming to life made me jump.

I didn’t say anything, didn’t feel anything as Nora disappeared into the trees, but I did ponder her words until I finally admitted I did want happiness, out there in the real world. And maybe if I could feel it, I could get over my self-loathing and finally do some good in the world to make up for all the horrible things I’d done.

I began with Charlie’s letters. Tentatively at first, afraid to read about the world outside my little cabin, but as I read over his words I found myself starving for the next letter and then the next. I tore through them, reading for many days.

Charlie spoke about the Deific mostly, about each of his missions and how they were helping people. It was evident that he loved his job and believed in what he was doing. After some time, however, his words focused on one thing:
Moira,
a woman he’d met while at the library. She was an elementary school teacher and a sports enthusiast. Charlie shared with me their many adventures, even the ones that didn’t go so well like the time they got stuck in the mountains and had to hike out. But he cherished every moment and all because of her, the woman he loved.

Eventually they married. I shed a tear of joy when he shared with me his wedding vows to Moira. He truly was happy, and in a way I envied him. Maybe one day I could be that happy too.

But after many more letters, something changed. He no longer spoke of Moira, and he lacked the passion he once held for his job. His letters were dark and spoke only of his hunt for evil in the world. This new side of Charlie worried me. Something horrible had happened to him, and my heart ached to help him.

I clutched the last letter to my heart. There’s no way Charlie could’ve known it, but after reading his letters and realizing that he was probably telling me things he told no other, I felt closer to him than anyone else in my life. Charlie had unknowingly become my dearest friend.

It was time to change, to make things right.

When I looked around the old cabin, I realized it was more a prison than a home—a prison I had created. Since I was going to live an eternity anyway, I determined right then and there that it wasn’t going to be in this stuffy cabin, and it wasn’t going to be without joy. The thought of what I was about to do terrified me, but I knew no other way.

I waited for darkness to reclaim the sky before I set out into the woods. With the kind of emotions I was about to invoke, I needed to be as far from the cabin as possible for fear of any damage I might cause. My leg tripped over a log, and I almost fell.

Pick up your feet. Don’t stop.

It took every ounce of strength I had to keep walking through the forest that smelled like dirt and wet leaves. My life was difficult enough to live the first time, but to deliberately relive it again made me physically ill.

I looked up, hoping to see the moon, which had always comforted me, but tonight it hid itself behind angry clouds. A bolt of lightning split the night sky in half, and a roar of thunder came right after, shaking the ground beneath my feet. I pushed forward as far as I could until I collapsed by a mossy stump. I leaned against it and wrapped my arms around my knees. It was time. Face my past so I could move on to my future.

I closed my eyes and remembered, starting with my earliest memories. One after another, they flashed before me: my father standing near my bed, dangling a venomous snake in his hand, my mother’s “quiet” room for days on end, the beatings for refusing magic. I remembered it all.

The memories seemed to last for hours, and during the more painful ones, I sobbed uncontrollably while struggling to breathe. I was so consumed with the pain that I almost forgot to do as Nora asked: to remember how I responded to their abuse. I didn’t have to think hard. My refuge had always been Eden. Whenever the pain became too unbearable, I’d disconnect my mind from my body and travel to my secret island where my parents had no power over me.

My memories and thoughts came to a grinding halt.
They had no power over me.
No matter what they did to me, they couldn’t touch my Eden. Eden was my own, and only I could control it. It was like a switch had been turned on, and suddenly everything seemed brighter. My parents never had any real control over me. Nothing they did could change who I wanted to become. They were as insignificant as the spider that now crawled up my leg. I flicked it off into the darkness.

I took a deep breath. Cool air flowed freely into my lungs, and my chest felt lighter as if someone had cut several tight bands from around it. I didn’t know if what I was experiencing was forgiveness or not, but I did know that I no longer cared about what my parents had done. This process was easier than I thought it would be. Maybe it was because my parents never pretended to be anything else. For as long as I could remember, they never claimed to love me. They made their intentions known to me at a very early age: we were not to have a normal parent/child relationship. This is where I had failed. I expected my parents to love me simply because I was their child, despite what they constantly told me.
What a fool I’ve been.
I almost smiled.

The dark clouds above the canopy of trees cracked, and the first drops of a spring rain fell through. It felt good on my skin and gave me added strength for what I needed to do next.

I could’ve stopped right then and refused to remember the rest, refused to forgive the rest. My parents weren’t the only ones who had hurt me. It was Boaz and
his
friends, specifically Liane. My whole body filled with hate as I remembered. The rage came upon me in great waves, but I didn’t try to stop it—I unleashed it.

The black magic, darker than night, raced from my fingers and toes, spreading across the landscape and up the trees as great finger-like appendages in search of its next victim. The cold blackness killed everything it touched. Budding flowers wilted to ash, wisps of grass turned brown and dead, and unsuspecting insects and animals rotted within seconds.

I remembered every moment, every second, with such clarity that I felt as if I were watching my life play out on a movie screen. My whole perspective changed as I saw Boaz slowly manipulate me into using magic. It was his gentle voice, his tender touch, and his eagerness to please me that caused the blinding shroud to come over my eyes. I chose to ignore his darkness that was always right there on the surface, waiting anxiously to come out.

I’d been so stupid to trust him. His true nature had been revealed on multiple occasions, but my desire to be loved and accepted made me ignore the obvious. I justified all his behavior and eventually my own, thereby becoming a slave to evil’s master.

The weight of all my past actions crushed me, making it difficult to breathe. All the innocent lives destroyed because I had been a fool. I tormented myself with visions of their burned bodies and terrified cries. The heavy darkness, mixed with the sounds of their tortured souls, pressed upon me, stealing the last of my breath. They willed me to die as they anxiously waited to escort me to hell where I belonged. I wanted to answer their cries and give them what they wanted.

But that would be the easy way out.

It would be easy not to live, not to deal with the consequences of my actions. Hell wouldn’t be much different from living in the cabin, alone, existing only in an empty shell. I was comfortable living like that. It was a coward’s way of life, and I had embraced it.

I fought against the darkness, willing it away. I was not yet ready to let it claim me, not when I still had the chance to make it right. The weight upon my chest lifted slightly as hope grew in my heart, a small light to push back the darkness. The light reminded me of the vampire who had saved me from Alarica. I bit the inside of my cheek. If he hadn’t stopped me...

I thought of Charlie and the Deific. If Charlie had found solace in the work he did there, then maybe I could too—if they would have me. And then I would locate the vampire, to tell him thank you. I pulled myself to my knees and took several deep breaths. Then, as fast as my body would permit, I returned to the cabin, stumbling along the way, but with each step, I became stronger and more determined.

When I reached the cabin, I hurried into the library and opened the small drawer inside the desk. Only one thing was in it—Charlie’s card. I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

Please answer.

He didn’t. Instead, after a few rings, a woman’s voice said, “Thank you for calling First Choice Accounting. May I help you?”

First Choice Accounting?

“Hello?” the lady asked again.

“Um, may I speak with Charlie?”

“Charlie who?”

I closed my eyes, trying to remember if he’d ever told me his last name, but my mind drew a blank. Even his letters hadn’t revealed his last name. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know it. He works for the Deific. Do you know the name?”

The woman paused. “May I ask who is calling?”

“My name is Eve. Charlie asked me to call.”
A lifetime ago.

“One moment.” I heard a series of clicking sounds in the background. After almost a full minute, she said, “Charlie isn’t here right now, but we will have a car pick you up in two hours to bring you to him.”

“Do you know where I am?” I asked.

“We do, Eve.”

My heart skipped a beat when she said my name. “Where will I be going?”

“To our New York office. Charlie will be waiting for you here. The gentlemen’s name that will be picking you up is—” I heard the clicking sound again— “Garret. Do you have any questions?”

“A million,” I said, laughing weakly.

“Everything will be all right, I promise,” she said. “Just wait there. Maybe pack some food for the trip. It’s a long drive.”

“Okay, thanks.”

The woman said goodbye.

I hung up, my hands shaking.

After quickly packing what few belongings I owned, I dropped into a chair near the front window and waited. I was too nervous to do anything else but sit and imagine how my life was going to change. The image of the vampire with the sorrow-filled eyes came into focus. The sharp angles of his face, his dark hair and arched eyebrows.