SECRET Revealed (15 page)

“Go,” I said now, gently prodding Will to greet her, the baby and her beau.

After pulling in a deep breath, Will crossed the room and gamely stuck out his hand to Carruthers, not like they were old friends or would ever become new ones, but with a kind of familiarity, like they’d fought on opposite sides of a fierce skirmish, neither truly coming out a victor. Will then turned to Tracina and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, his eyes glued to the bundle she carried. When Tracina opened the little flap on baby Neko, Will smiled for the first time in weeks, a genuine Will smile, one that stretched from ear to ear.

In that moment, my heart broke for him. Again.

Tracina poured the baby into his arms, and he cooed and rocked her, smiling and smiling, my cue to go over and tug a now baby-free Tracina to a quiet corner.

“You look insanely great, by the way!” she said, grabbing my hands and holding them out to take in my red dress.

“You think? I feel like a fraud.”

“Stop it, it’s fucking great. Is Will still being a dickhead?” she asked, snatching a glass of wine off a passing tray. “I pumped her milk so I’m getting my drink on tonight.”

“Will’s being … well, you know, Will.”

“You want my advice? Give him a nice, wide berth. Let him remember what he’s missing.”

“We are strictly business partners, Tracina. Our chance came and went.”

She ignored me. “What I mean is, don’t be emotionally available to him, if you want him back.”

“I told you we’re just—”

“Be mysterious. Be busy. Get dating again. Who was that guy you were seeing last year?”

“Which one? The musician or the pastry chef?”

She gave me the side-eye. “I did not know you were
that
busy.”

We laughed.

“I know you, Cassie. Everything you’re telling yourself about Will, I said it to myself about my Carr. So like I said, you really want a guy? Behave like you really don’t.”

We both looked over at Will. If you could watch a man fall instantly in love, his face would look like Will’s, the world around him melting away, the object of his affection receiving his full attention. The baby took obvious glee in his rapture, her giggle audible from where we were standing. Her hands sweetly punched at his nose and chin, until, unprompted, she started wailing and Tracina’s whole body went on high alert. On cue, Will made his way back over to us, followed by a doting Carruthers.

“Oh sure, she starts crying and it’s time to give her back to Mommy,” said Tracina.

“If I could help, I would,” Will said, reluctantly exchanging the baby for Tracina’s empty glass.

“Nah. It’s cool. She wants her mommy. And a clean diaper.” Tracina took the now-bawling Neko downstairs to the staff room, leaving the three of us standing around awkwardly for a few seconds.

“Thank you for coming,” I said to Carruthers, patting his arm.

His smile was tight. “I am always happy to support local businesses.”

Matilda arrived just then, blessedly, and I excused myself from this painful company to greet her, despite Will’s
help, don’t leave
expression. As I walked towards Matilda, my phone vibrated in my pocket—a text. From Jesse.

Come over after party? Finn’s asleep
.

Finn
? Oh right, his son. I kicked myself for not asking his name ages ago. Before I could reply, Matilda pulled me in for an embrace.

“Cassie! You look stunning.”

“Thank you. Though I’m beginning to worry that maybe opening on New Year’s wasn’t the best idea.”

Just then more guests crowded the top of the stairs. Before I had a chance to break from Matilda to greet them, Will was upon then, instructing some guests where to hang their coats, showing others to the bar.

“Well, judging from the turnout, it was the best idea ever.”

Matilda paused for a moment to marvel over the mint juleps placed before us on a tray. I grabbed one, sucking it back so fast I gave myself an instant headache.

“You drank that like a thirsty trucker,” she said, carefully lifting a glass off the tray.

“I’m a nervous wreck,” I said.

“Well, you don’t look rattled.”

“Tracina’s here too,” I said. “She’s downstairs. With the
baby
.”

“Wonderful. I just love to start a new year with a bit of forgiveness for old transgressions. It’s very good for the skin. Speaking of flesh, there is an interesting opportunity coming up in S.E.C.R.E.T. I thought I’d offer it to you first.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “We can talk about it tomorrow,” she said. “But I think it will be great fun.”

Angela bounded up to us, wearing a chic pantsuit, her hair scalloped and pinned like a flapper’s.

“Were you just talking about fun?” she asked, plucking the olive out of her drink. “Because it is
here
.”

After a few minutes, I left Matilda chatting with Angela and went to poke around downstairs. I found Tracina in the kitchen marveling over Dell’s delicious dishes, and Dell and Maureen marveling over the delicious baby. I smiled at the scene. Everything felt so right, so good, so full of love and promise after all those secrets and lies. I had a sudden desperate urge to be at Will’s side, and when I left them to go back upstairs, I was kind of shocked to find a party in full, pre-midnight countdown. Couples began to pair off
in the dark. I looked around and finally spotted Will, who was wildly gesturing to me.

Had he been looking for me?

I took a deep breath and made that long, anxious walk across the room, cursing the crowds, remembering back when it was just us, that first time on the old ratty mattress after the burlesque show, and again, not so long ago on a different mattress in this same room …

“… TEN, NINE …”

To say that brief walk towards him was an out-of-body experience would not be an exaggeration. “… 

FIVE, FOUR …”

His face looked so expectant, his smile so open to me. “… 

THREE, TWO …”

“… ONE!”

I landed next to Will just as a flood of lights hit us, so bright and intense I had to use my hand as a visor to protect my eyes. What the hell? Oh! Right! The camera’s spotlight. This was the interview. Will had been calling me over not for a new year’s kiss but for an interview with an impossibly young, impossibly cute female TV producer.

“Cassie, happy new year! So nice to meet you!” the producer said, pushing back her thick, hipster grandpa glasses.

Will and I stood next to each other with the stiffness of the couple in
American Gothic
as the camera panned over the dark crowd to us.

“Get close!” the producer yelled over the jubilation in the background.

Will threw an awkward arm around me. I looked up at his face, but his eyes remained firmly fixed on the producer. I pulled my lips into a tense smile.

“So … we’re rolling. Tell us where we are tonight, Will!” she yelled.

“We’re at the opening of our new restaurant, Cassie’s, an upscale comfort food experience on Frenchmen!”

“I hear you named the restaurant after this lovely woman standing next to you. She must be very special.”

“Cassie’s my business partner!” he said, giving me a jocular jolt, like you would a sister or a classmate. “She owns half the place, so it’s not like I had a choice!”

Hahaha.
What?

“Cassie, how are
you
feeling tonight?” the producer asked, putting the microphone in front of me.

I looked at it for a second, clearing my throat. “Nervous. Excited …” I was seized by sudden inarticulateness. Doom crept up my body. I wrapped my hands around the microphone and pulled it in closer.

“We’re confident Cassie’s is exactly what Frenchmen Street needs right now. This place is warm, sexy, a place that combines the best of Southern home-cooking with a bit of grown-up glamour. Our menu puts a fresh nouveau spin on Southern hospitality. And our wine list is incredible. Half American, half French, just like the city itself.”

“And we’ll have live music from time to time,” Will added, his arm still draped around me.

After the producer thanked us and lowered her mike, the camera light flicked off and Will swiftly dropped his arm.

“Perfect! Cassie, you gave me the clip I needed,” said the producer. “Thank you both so much. I’m going to rush back to get this on the 1 a.m. roundup,” she said.

“No. Stay for one drink,” Will insisted. “Surely your crew can bring the tape back so you can stay for a toast.”

“Yeah!” I said, trying to muster the same enthusiasm as Will. “Stay for a drink!”

“Well, I suppose it
is
New Year’s Eve,” she said, taking off her glasses. She turned to her cameraman to instruct him to head back to the station without her.

“Great! Let me get you some champagne,” Will said. “And Cassie, I also insist on closing up. You don’t need to stay to the bitter end. You’ve been here since the morning.”

My heart sank even further. He could barely touch me during the interview and now he was trying to get rid of me so he could flirt with some sweet young producer girl.

“You sure you don’t mind?” I asked evenly.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“Cool. Thanks,” I replied, backing away.

“You should be with your boyfriend on New Year’s Eve. The party’s winding down anyway.”

Was that hurt, anger or, worse, antipathy I noted in his voice? I didn’t stick around to find out. I left him with the
cute producer and did one last painful circle of the room. Then I took out my phone and texted Jesse.

Leave your door open. I’m on my way
.

Matilda once said the hallmark of adulthood is knowing when it’s time to leave. Suddenly, I felt all grown-up.

Jesse’s door was unlocked when I arrived. I eased it open, carefully removing my sparkly heels in the darkened foyer, throwing my coat across the back of an armchair. I quietly padded to Jesse’s bedroom, clutching my S.E.C.R.E.T. bracelet to my wrist to stop the tiny tinkling sound from traveling down the hall. I thought the light under his bedroom door meant he was still up. But alas, when I cracked it open, there Jesse was, fast asleep, his son Finn’s surprisingly long legs splayed across his thigh, both of them gently snoozing. I didn’t know kids, so I had nothing to measure him against, but he looked big for a six- or seven-year-old. It was a touching tableau, too touching to disturb, so I shut the door and tiptoed back to the foyer, grabbed my coat and threw it back on. Outside on the porch, I dug around for my cell and called back the taxi that had just dropped me off. I shivered on the steps waiting. That’s when I noticed another text, this one from Will.

Didn’t see you leave. It was a great night, Cassie. Thanks for being by my side on this. See you tomorrow. X W

My heart skipped at that stupid little X. I felt like an idiot teen, grabbing at any sign a boy liked me. What was I
doing huddled on a dark porch in the middle of a cold night pining over an
X
? Because hard times are harder alone, but worse is having good things happen and no one with whom to celebrate. How nice it would have been to toast Will on New Year’s Eve, in
our
restaurant, after everyone had left: a couple of snifters of brandy, a kiss in silhouette—

“Hey.”

I jumped. It was Jesse, shirtless, loose pajama bottoms slung around his lean torso, his arms crossed tight around him.

“Sorry, babe. I fell asleep. Finn must have crawled in. Been trying to get him to break that habit.”

“It’s okay. Go inside, it’s cold. Cab’s turning around.”

“I’ll put him back in his bed,” he whispered, crouching to put his arms around me. His nose nuzzled my hair.

He gave a full-body shiver and I rubbed his forearms vigorously.

“He might wake up again,” I said. “I don’t want this to be how we meet. I didn’t even know his name until today. Finn. It’s cute. I like it.”

“You sure you don’t want to wait inside?”

“No. It’s okay.”

“I’ll call you in a few days,” he said, kissing the back of my head and ducking back into the house.

I had to laugh.

Minutes later, my head pressed against the cold taxi window, I made another resolution: I was not going to make my life about the guy, about
any
guy. I was going to
devote myself to Cassie’s, which was not just my business but my investment, my calling, my future, my life. I was also going to say yes to the thing Matilda had talked about, no matter what it was. After tonight, I was to be a woman about my work. I would look after my own passions. I was not going to be about a man.

At home, I threw my little red dress on the back of a kitchen chair, too tired to hang it, and I collapsed into bed. I was soon joined by Dixie, who wasn’t looking for love or affection either, just a warm body, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.