Secret Life (RVHS Secrets) (20 page)

That would have been my cue to make a fan-tab-
ulous
exit. Only, I was still waiting for Amy and there
really wasn’t anywhere to gracefully storm off to.

After a moment, I made a little shooing motion at him. “Off
you go now.”

I was still a little harsh on boys. Okay, just this one.

Jared didn’t move, just kind of looked at me like he was
supposed to do something for the crazy girl.

“Is there a problem here?” The voice that broke in wasn’t
aggressive. It was worried.
Protective.
It was
everything I needed right then and wouldn’t have admitted even to Dr. Meadows.

Chris stood off to the side, both hands wrapped around the
bag strap draped diagonally across his chest.

Jared really didn’t look like he had an answer. Did he think
there was a problem? Did he know
he
was the problem?

Probably not.
Just
saying.

“No. I was just, you know…”

Again with the fade out.
With fresh
eyes, that move seemed kind of cowardly, but I couldn’t be positive if I was
just being too hard on him. How had I never noticed that when we were dating?
Maybe it was a new thing, because I’m pretty sure it would have annoyed the
hell out of me if he did that all the time.

Chris glanced my way and it suddenly dawned on me he wasn’t
certain where he stood in this little non-love triangle. I don’t know what he
saw, but when he turned back to Jared he seemed more confident. Not the
annoying cocky guy I’d re-met a few weeks ago, but strong. Sure.

“I’m going to assume your intentions here are good, but
really, your timing kind of sucks.” He glanced back at me, probably taking in
the smile I was fighting. “Actually, any timing would suck. So, you tossed a
good thing and screwed up. I’d really appreciate it if you steered clear of
Rachel.”

Only, it didn’t sound like a request. It sounded like a
command. Jared knew when he was outranked.

“Oh.” Jared looked at me, his eyes soft like a puppy wanting
to come inside. Where was his girlfriend when
I
needed her to distract him? I’m not sure whether it was Chris
telling him to take off or if it suddenly dawned on him what an ass he was
being.
“Yeah.
Okay.”

When Jared’s hand rose, Chris stepped forward putting
himself between us. Both guys looked surprised by the move as Jared adjusted
the strap of his backpack.

“Rachel, sorry for, you know…” This time I chose to accept
the fadeout for what it was—a confused guy not knowing what to say.

“It’s fine.” And suddenly, it was. With Chris standing
beside me being all protective, it really was fine.

Jared headed down the empty hall, his head cocked off to one
side like he was listening to something.

“I hope that was okay.” Chris took a step back out of my
dance space.

“Actually, I think I needed that more than he did.” I closed
my locker and slung my bag over my shoulder. “But, thanks.”

He nodded, his gaze drifting toward the ground. “I know I
didn’t have the right to step in, but if you need it, ever, let me know.”

“My hero.”
I marred the sarcasm
with a smile.

We stood there, just kind of taking each other in for a
second. Not really doing or saying anything. It was the least awkward silence
I’ve ever had.

“Why don’t I walk you to your car?”

I wanted that. Not just to avoid any more first-day-back
weird moments, but to be near him—to keep that new feeling between us fresh.

“I was waiting for Amy.” I glanced at my watch and realized
it had only been about five minutes since Jared had first walked up. Time
really flies when you’re having your guts ripped out.

Chris looked up and down the hall before cracking a grin.
“Text her.”

We’d made it through the school and almost to my car without
a word, without a touch. We were walking so close I imagined I could feel the
heat coming off him, but never once did he reach to take my hand to close the
gap.

It was more intense than I would have expected.

At the car, he leaned a hip against the hood. “So, I’ll take
off. Let you wait for Amy.”

This giving each other space thing was going to be hard. I’d
told myself all week I didn’t want to see him.
Didn’t want to
be near him.
But, as I watched him study me in darting glances that
wouldn’t meet my eye, I knew I’d be waiting for moments just like this one.
Slow, easy moments that would start to ease the pain he’d shot at me.

“Thanks.” I stepped around my open door, putting a real
barrier up with the emotional ones we’d agreed on.

His ears turned pink as he pushed off of the car with a
grin. “Be good, Rachel.”

I refrained from throwing anything at him as he walked away.

Chapter
27

The first month
after
sped by slowly.
It just depended on the day…okay, the
minute even. But, as the half-term came to a close, there was one plan I hadn’t
wanted to give up on.
Even if the guest list changed a bit.

“Mom!”
I was too lazy to find the remote.
Yelling was easier. “It’s about to start. There’s poetry and stuff. This is
not
how the play starts.”

My mom plopped down on the couch next to me, handed me a
diet Coke and a plate for
our this
-has-no-calories-tonight
pizza.

“Poetic license,” she said. “Count yourself lucky. You won’t
be trying to open your essay with ‘Hey
nonny
nonny
’.”

My sisters were sleeping over somewhere else and my mom had
blocked off the night just for us. She knew this had been the plan for
mid-terms—the watch the movie to refresh the book thing—for Chris and I. I love
that she got it was important to do this for me.

Watching
Much Ado
About
Nothing
was about knowing I wasn’t waiting. That I
could do things we’d said we’d do together without him.
That
I didn’t need a guy—any guy—to have a life.
A good
life.

It was hard to believe
this
was Shakespeare. It was funny and exciting and romantic. The costumes were
great and no one pretended to talk with a funny accent.

Plus, mom and I love Denzel Washington. Totally love him.

Emma Thompson was brilliant as Beatrice. And, it was scary
to say, I saw some of myself in the character I couldn’t see before as we’d
slowly read through it. I could see how her uncertainty mingled with poise.
How sometimes Beatrice overplayed her confidence.
How
Benedict messed with her heart even as she
kept loving
him.
Hating him.
Loving him.
How they were a mess apart and yet together, when they stopped hurting each
other, they made sense. They helped and healed each other in ways they couldn’t
have managed apart.

“You know this isn’t a sad movie, right?” Mom handed me a
napkin free of pizza grease. “No matter what, you put yourself out there. Be
brave because that’s who you are. And I’ll have emergency cookie dough in the
fridge in case he doesn’t live up to
who
I know he
is.”

I know, I know. Best mom ever, right?

Chapter
28

Bowling.
Who would have ever
thought I’d look forward to bowling?

Self-admitting deal: It wasn’t the bowling I was looking forward
to. I’m not sure if anyone else realized it, but tonight was the one-month mark
on the way to three.
An odd little anniversary.
If not for Chris and me, then just for me.
A month of sanity.

Well, that’s what I called it. Dr. Meadows and my mom didn’t
like that as much. They kept telling me I wasn’t insane. I guess I’d rubbed
their sense of humor a little raw lately.

Getting ready was easier. Meds were still my friend. Only
this time around I wasn’t resenting them. I saw them for what they were. A tool
for getting better, not a crutch to hide from everything I thought people saw.

That didn’t mean I didn’t
want
to change fourteen times. It just meant I didn’t
have
to. Well, not as much. When the
knock came at my door, I was ready to go.

“Amy’s downstairs.” She knocked again, lighter.
A question.

“Come in, Mom.” I applied one last coat of Polish Me Pink as
she stepped behind me in the mirror.
Both of us kind of
frozen there for that less-than-a-second moment where everything could have
fallen apart.
Would
have fallen apart the month before.

Her smile, the one I held onto for the last month, bloomed.
I loved it. I loved seeing it for me. I loved watching my sisters learn to look
me in the eye again.

“Another big night out for you guys.”
She brushed my hair over my shoulder as she tugged me to face her. “I’m glad
you have more than just me and Amy now. You seem to have a nice group too.”

“I know. If I could get Ben to stop asking me out every
other day, life may start to feel normal again.”

Mom sat on my bed as I tugged my shoes on, and I knew what
was coming.

“How’s our boy?”

Chris was now
our boy.
He’d been
my mom’s boy longer
than he’d been mine. Not that he was mine. He was
not
mine.

But, for my mom, he was the kid she wanted to coddle. Which
would probably secretly—maybe not so secretly—
overjoy
him.

“Fine.
Still at
the Parkers.
Still doing his twice-a-weeks.
Off the crutches.”

“Good.
And?”

And?
Geez.
No pressure, Mom.

“And I have no idea.”

She smiled again.

“Good. Sweetheart, figure your stuff out first and if you
still want him, make him work for it.” With that, she dropped a kiss on my
forehead and almost skipped out the door.

At least she wasn’t wearing those
DIVA
shorts.

~*~

I tried not to think about the fact that bowling
automatically equaled everyone looking at my ass. I also tried very hard—but
not too hard, obviously—not to look at Chris’s. I did, of course, make a show
of looking at Ben’s. And throwing stuff at it when it was his turn.

Basically, it was a normal night out with a group of friends.
My new normal.

I loved my new normal.

“Um,
Rach
…el?”
Chris kind of cleared his throat from behind me.

I loved that he started to use the shorter nickname. I loved
that he was conscious enough of the weirdness to cover that slip.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you for a sec.” He
looked so unsure.

My, “Sure” was loudly overridden by Ben’s, “Absolutely not.”

Yeah, Ben had become Over Protective Guy. If it wasn’t so
adorable—and he didn’t keep reminding me I owed him for accusing him of being
in love with Luke—I’d be highly annoyed. Instead, I just rolled my eyes.

“Sure.” This time, I directed the answer right at Mr.
Protective.

“You two know the rules.” Ben actually folded his arms over
his chest. “He doesn’t get to get you alone.”

“I don’t think standing over there is alone.” I pointed at
the edge of the snack area.

“You know exactly what I mean. No one-on-one time.”

“Seriously, Ben.
A
sec.
He asked for a second. Not even a full minute.”

Ben snorted and glared at Chris at the same time.
“Yeah.
Every guy knows how to ask for minimal time while
plotting a full takeover.”

“What am I, a third world country? When did you go nuts?”
Before Ben could answer I reached for my purse. “Don’t worry. I know a good
doctor. Her number’s right in here.”

“Ha. Ha. You’re just a riot. I’m not letting him—”

“Stop.
That’s enough.” Apparently
Chris wasn’t as used to our bickering as we were. “I only want a minute or two.
Ben, you can time me for all I care. I’m not absconding with her.”

“Look at you.” I smiled up at him. “That new English tutor
must really know his vocabulary.”

Now he was scowling at me too.

“Fine.”
Ben stepped back, still
glaring. “But don’t go too far.”

He seriously said that. Like the bowling alley was two or
three miles long. The weird part was
,
Ben seemed to be
pulling for us the most. He was the one who, when I started to doubt myself or
Chris or the feelings I
might
have
for Chris, would always say, “Don’t sweat it. Ride it out. Let him get to a
good place and you get there too.” So the big brother routine felt odd.
And yet good, too.
It had been a long time since anyone but
my mom was looking out for me.

Chris and I stopped at the edge of the snack area and leaned
against the half-wall, neither really looking at the other.

“So, one month today you’ve been doing the outpatient
thing.” Chris cleared his throat and stuck his hand in his coat pocket. “Kind
of a big deal,
ya
know.”

I nodded. I knew. For me, it was huge.

“I just wanted to say I think that’s great and I got you
this.” He pulled something from his pocket, shiny and round.

I couldn’t help but watch as he rolled it between his
fingers, a length of leather with silver clasps cutting through its center.

“It’s from the bridge. It’s a nut.” He ran his thumb over
the softened edges. “Bolts hold things together, but the nuts hold the bolts in
place. They’re tiny, but in some ways they’re the strongest part of a
structure.” Those ears of his were turning pink. “Like you.”

He took my hand, but before he could drop the nut into my
palm, Ben’s voice came from the chairs a few feet away.

“No touching.”

I swear, as soon as I found out
who
his mystery girl was, the torture would begin.
For
realsies
.
For now, a glare would have to do.

I closed my fingers around the small, polished nut knowing that
moment I’d always keep it on me.
A touchstone, a compass.
Only Chris had realized how important today was.
For me, just
for me.

“Thanks,” I said, as he stepped back. And really, what more
was there to say?