Secret Fire (28 page)

“
K
it? Are you up?” Elisabeth knocked on the door, then was startled to have it open so quickly. “Oh, I see you are.”

“Of course I am. The question is, what are you doing up this early?”

“I thought we might go out together this morning, riding, or shopping, you know, as we used to.”

Katherine headed down the hallway, her sister beside her. “That would be nice, but I really have too much—”

“Oh, come on, Kit. I only have these two days to visit while William is away on business. As it is, he thought it was silly of me to spend the weekend here, when our townhouse is just a few blocks away.”

“So it is,” Katherine agreed, smiling.

“Nonsense. I just wanted it to be like old times once more, before you…that is…”

“Before I what?”

“Oh, you know.”

“Beth,” Katherine said warningly.

“Oh, before you get married too, or something like that, and—”

“I’m not getting married, Beth, and what the devil made you think I was?”

“Now don’t get all huffy. What was I supposed to think? It’s no secret, you know, what’s been going on here. Your servants are absolutely thrilled about it, it’s so romantic, and they of
course told my maid everything. You have the most handsome man in the world beating on your door twice a day, sending you gifts and flowers and letters—”

“Who said he’s handsome?”

Elisabeth laughed. “Honestly, Kit, why are you so defensive? I have seen him of course. A Russian prince is naturally a curiosity.” They had reached the dining room, where the Earl was having breakfast, but Elisabeth didn’t end the conversation. “He was pointed out to me several weeks ago, and I just couldn’t believe that you actually know him. And then I heard how persistent he has been in trying to see you. It’s so exciting! How did you meet him? Please, Kit, you must tell me everything.”

Katherine sat down, ignoring the look her father gave her. He too was waiting to hear her answer, but she was firm in keeping the truth to herself.

“There is nothing to tell,” she said nonchalantly. “I simply met him in Russia.”

“Nothing to tell!” George St. John snorted. “He’s the one, isn’t he?”

“No, he is not,” Katherine repeated, having answered that same question a half-dozen times in the last three weeks.

“You mean Alek’s father?” Elisabeth gasped.

“Oh, do be quiet, Beth. It makes no difference who he is. I don’t want anything to do with him.”

“But why?”

Katherine stood up, giving first her sister and then her father a look that said she had had quite enough. “I’m taking Alek to the park. When I get back, I don’t want to hear that man men
tioned to me again. I am quite old enough to make my own decisions, and I have decided I never want to see him again. That’s all there is to it.”

When she left, Elisabeth glanced at her father, whose look said he was suffering from his own bout of exasperation. “What do you suppose he did to make her so angry with him?”

“Angry? Do you think that’s all it is?”

“Of course. Why else would she not even want to talk about him? Have
you
talked to him?”

“I’m never here when he comes around,” George admitted. “But I suppose I should pay him a visit. If he is Alek’s father—”

“Oh, no, you wouldn’t force them to marry, would you? She’d never forgive you for that, unless of course she makes up with him. But how can she do that if she won’t see him?”

Katherine strolled along the edge of the trees, keeping in the shade. She also kept her eye on Alek cavorting on his blanket in the sun, even though his nurse, Alice, sat beside him. It was the middle of September, but after spending an entire winter in Russia, England’s sun even at this time of year made Katherine uncomfortable if she stayed out in it too long. But Alek loved it and loved watching the autumn leaves blowing past him.

At four and a half months, he was becoming much more active and was much more of a handful. His present joy, now that he had discovered it, was rocking back and forth on his hands and knees. The next stage, according to his nurse, would be crawling. Katherine wished
she knew more about babies. But she was learning, and delighting in each new phase of Alek’s learning process too.

“Katya?”

Katherine spun around, instantly infuriated, eyes flashing, but after one look at Dimitri, the heated words stuck in her throat. It was as well. She didn’t want him to know he could still ignite her emotions. He was staring at her, not a glance at Alek. She had nothing to fear, yet.

She was proud a moment later when her voice came out so calm. “Surely this is no coincidence.”

“I don’t leave such things to chance.”

“No, you wouldn’t. Very well, Dimitri, since it appears you won’t give up and go home, do tell me what is so important that you must—”

“I love you.”

Oh, God, fantasies again, vividly clear, in broad daylight. She had to sit down, quickly, but with no benches near (she was
not
going to collapse at his feet), the nearest tree trunk had to do, and she walked toward it unsteadily, gratefully leaning against it. Maybe he would just fade away, as fantasies were wont to do.

“Did you hear me, Katya?”

“You don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Love me.”

“More doubt.” His voice turned sharp, but she wouldn’t look up at him. “First my grandmother, now you. Sweet Christ, why is it so impossible to believe that I could—”

“You’ve seen your grandmother?… Oh, what a silly question. Of course you must have. Did she tell you she came to see me recently?”

Dimitri stared hard at Katherine. She was avoiding meeting his eyes, looking from one side of him to the other, anywhere but at him. What was wrong with her? He hadn’t seen her for nearly a year. A year! He had to fight the urge to crush her in his arms. And she, she changed the subject when he tried to tell her he loved her. She didn’t care. She honestly didn’t care. It was like a knife gutting his insides, but instead of blood, rage spilled out.

“Very well, Katya, we will talk about my grandmother,” he said icily. “Yes, she mentioned that she had met you. She also thinks we won’t suit, as you apparently do.”

“Well, we wouldn’t.”

“You know perfectly well we would suit!”

“You don’t have to shout!” She glared up at him. “Did I shout at you? No, I did not, even though
I
have every reason to. You used me, Alexandrov. You used me to make your Tatiana jealous. You never went on that Austrian trip. You were in St. Petersburg all along, moping about with a broken heart because your princess chose another man instead of you.”

“Where did you hear such nonsense?” he demanded furiously. “It’s true I didn’t go to Austria. That was simply the excuse I needed for not sending for you in time to take ship for England. But I lied because I couldn’t bear for you to leave me. Sweet Christ!” he exploded. “Do you think I would have stayed away from you at Novii Domik all those months for any other reason? I needed that excuse to keep you from sailing out of my life. What is wrong with that?”

“Nothing, if that were the truth, but I don’t believe a word of it,” Katherine replied dog
gedly. “You just wanted me around to make Tatiana jealous. She’s the one you love, and yet you would have married me anyway. Well, I don’t need such grand gestures from anyone, thank you. And for your information, you would have married me for nothing. I returned home without the slightest scandal attached to my name, so I didn’t need you to sacrifice yourself on my account. If anyone talks about me, it’s to sympathize. You see, it got around somehow that I eloped at the same time as my sister did, which threw our father off the track, so to speak. But where she has a husband to show for it, I unfortunately lost mine.”

“A widow!” Dimitri snorted. “You are believed to be a widow!”

“I haven’t encouraged that assumption, but that is beside the point. The point is my reputation is still intact. You’ve wasted your time tracking me down, Dimitri, if you thought marriage would clear your conscience.”

“Is that really what you think? That I would sail all the way to England just for a troubled conscience, not once but twice?”

“Twice?”

“Yes, twice. When I couldn’t find you anywhere in St. Petersburg, I had to assume your friend the Ambassador had gotten you out of the country. I was ready to thrash the man for his insistence that he hadn’t even seen you again after the night of the ball.”

“Oh, you didn’t!” she gasped.

“No, I spent my anger elsewhere, on a fellow equally deserving.”

Katherine shivered at the glint of satisfaction that appeared in his eyes for a brief moment,
pitying the man responsible for it. “Is the fellow still living?” she asked in a small voice.

Dimitri laughed wryly. “Yes, more’s the pity. And I think he might even marry Tatiana after all. You see, she thought we were fighting over her, the foolish woman. And when I didn’t come to claim her as the victor, she went to console the loser. But he’s welcome to her, Katya, as far as I am concerned. I don’t love her. I never loved her. I was in fact immensely relieved when she chose Lysenko over me. He didn’t believe that, of course, being in love with her himself. The idiot blamed me when she broke off with him, and thought if he got rid of me, he could win her back.”

Katherine turned pale suddenly. “What do you mean, get rid of you?”

“Concern, little one? You will understand if I find that difficult to—”

“Dimitri! What did he do?”

He shrugged. “He was responsible for my being stranded in a snowstorm, which cost me a month and a half in bed. During which time, I might add, you conveniently left the country.”

“Is that all?” she asked in relief. “He didn’t wound you or anything?” At his black scowl, she smiled weakly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of… A month and a half? That must have been a dreadful cold.” His scowl grew worse. “Well, if you must know, I didn’t leave the country, not until this summer anyway.”

“The devil you didn’t. I had people looking for you everywhere, woman. I had the Embassy watched, the Ambassador followed, his servants bribed—”

“But he was telling you the truth, Dimitri. He hadn’t seen me. Oh, I did go to the Embassy when I left your house, but before I could see the Ambassador, I met Countess Starov. She is such a nice woman and so easy to talk to. When I mentioned that I was in need of a place to stay for a while, she very generously opened her home to me.”

“You don’t think Vladimir was so lax that he didn’t have you followed that day, do you?”

“On the contrary,” she retorted. “That was exactly why the Countess suggested I exchange clothes with her maid. I left the way I came in, with no one the wiser, and I spent the remainder of the winter with Olga Starov. Do you know her? She’s such a dear lady, if a trifle on the eccentric side, and—”

“Why did you feel you had to hide from me? Do you know I nearly went out of my mind worrying about you traveling in that weather?”

“I didn’t hide,” she protested, only to correct herself. “Well, perhaps at first I did. I was—” No, she wasn’t going to admit that she was afraid that if she saw him again, all her firm resolutions would fall by the wayside, not to mention that her condition would have been exposed. “Let us say I was still quite angry over—over—”

“Yes? My using you? My lying to you? My being in love with another woman?”

The caustic derision in his tone scalded her. Hot color seeped into her cheeks. Had she really believed all of that? Hadn’t she suspected on the day he had shown up at Brockley Hall, making her panic and race off to London, that he wouldn’t have been there if he loved another woman?

Think about it, Katherine. You haven’t been able to face him these last weeks because you knew you might have been wrong. You also knew he would be furious with you for keeping Alek from him. You were afraid, pure and simple
.

But not once had she thought he might love her. She had relegated that possibility to the realm of make-believe. Could such dreams come true? But she was forgetting his reaction when he had learned the truth about her identity.

“You didn’t want to marry me, Dimitri. You were enraged when you thought you would have to. You were so angry you left the city. Do you know how that made me feel?”

“For an intelligent woman, Katya, you show a marked lack of sense sometimes. I was angry with myself, not you. That very night, before I knew who you were, I told Vasili I had decided not to marry anyone if I couldn’t marry you. And the irony is that less than a month later, Misha came home with a wife and a son.”

“But I thought—”

“We all did. But he wasn’t dead. And his return freed me from my obligations. I could have married you then, Katya, regardless of who you were. But that night of the ball, all I could think about was how I had wronged you and how you couldn’t possibly forgive me. I was appalled by my own behavior, especially since I had seen the truth in Nastya’s portrait of you but stubbornly ignored it just so that I could retain a measure of control over you. To admit who you were was to risk losing you, and I couldn’t bear that. But I lost you anyway.”

“Dimitri—”

“Lady Katherine, Alek’s cheeks are turning pink,” Alice interrupted. “Do you want me to move to the shade, or should I take him home now?”

Katherine groaned inwardly, glaring at the woman, wanting nothing more than to throttle her for bringing Alek this close to his father. But Dimitri barely spared the nurse and child a glance. He simply looked at Katherine questioningly, as if he assumed—what, she didn’t know. However, before she could say something, answer the nurse, give him some lie or even the truth, Dimitri must have thought over the nurse’s question and reached the truth on his own.

He turned sharply, fixing his eyes on Alek with an intensity that paralyzed Katherine. Then he took the boy away from the nurse, staring at him, noting every little detail, and Alek stared back quietly, fascinated as always by something new. And his father was certainly new to him.

“I’m sorry, Dimitri,” Katherine said in a small voice. “I was going to tell you when I joined you in St. Petersburg. I really was. But after what you said on that first day, I decided to wait, and then…after the ball, I was too upset, angry, and—and hurt. I wanted to marry you, but not if you felt you
had
to marry me. And—and I wasn’t hiding from you. After several months had passed and you didn’t find me, I went out often. I even passed your house. But I suppose you had already left the city.”