Second Thoughts (37 page)

But though she didn't understand, she supported me, and that was all I could ask of her. If it was what I
really
wanted, she said, who was she to tell me I shouldn't be on my own? She
didn't
believe it was what I really wanted and I didn't try too hard to convince her. It didn't matter anyway, whether she believed me or not. I wanted to tell her the real reason, the whole story, but I'd spilled enough secrets to her and Caleb as it was. The danger and burden of keeping the rest would be mine alone.

When the last of our things were finally packed, and before our families came to help take it all away, Amy and I hugged for a really long time.

“I love you, Young.”

“You, too.”

“Even if you're crazy, and have some scary mind abilities, and I hope you won't make me forget saying that.”

“Even though you're too smart for your own good, and a terrible influence, and are bound to get me in trouble someday, I wouldn't dream of it.”

After approximately forever, we released each other and I felt bereft all over again. But as not-ready as I was, it was time to go. We both grabbed bags and started our final treks up and down the stairs of Marquise House. Downstairs, Ms. Kim was helping direct chaos and dry tears, so we got goodbye hugs from her, too. It didn't escape my notice the parity between the beginning of my year and the end, and how I'd gone from the one consoling the tearful young creatures to the one being consoled.

Change was scary. I understood,
really
understood, that now, for the first time. Once upon a time change had been my constant, but two years at Northbrook had changed that. Changed
me.
It was time to see how the next years would change me too.

Finally loaded up, Amy and I hugged once more before she climbed in the car with her mom and I made a final trip across the street. Amy rolled down her window before they left. “I'll see you tonight?”

“I'll be the temporarily homeless girl on your doorstep.”

“I'll leave out the breadcrumbs.”

I waved as she pulled away, and then gave my last hugs to my family. They'd follow me in our caravan to the city. Aunt Tessa had offered to ride with me, as had Amy, but I declined. I'd made a choice to do this alone and I was starting it now. We'd managed to load all of my things into the rental cars, so all I had to do was retrieve my car and lead the way.

But there was one more thing.

W
HEN
I G
OT
to the parking area behind Penrose Books, I saw I wasn't the only one with the same idea. Waiting for me on my driver's
seat was a book. If the book itself hadn't given it away, the fact that my car had been and was still locked told me who left it.

Modern Poetry,
circa the early 1900s. It was pristine and beautiful, looking barely more worn than the first time I'd picked it up—the day I met Cater Penrose. I'd wondered what happened to it; by the time I went back for it, it was already gone. I guess I knew now where it went.

I looked up to the window on the third floor but all I could see was the reflection of the trees behind me. I'd probably never know if he was watching, though I thought probably not. I didn't deserve to hope he would and I didn't raise my hand in goodbye though I desperately wanted to. Instead, I opened his car door, which was never locked, and left the note I'd thought about all night and written in the few moments alone while my roommate was in the shower.

I'd composed a million different versions in my head, crossed it all out and tried to get it right again and again. Finally I decided on a few simple words. He told me himself if I wrote it down he'd never forget. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but what I wanted him to remember was this:

I will love you always.

—L.

I L
OVED
C
ARTER.
Sometimes painfully, but in the end, not enough. I didn't love him enough to tell him the truth, to ruin or save his life with it, I didn't know which. I didn't, ultimately, love him more than I loved myself.

Could I live without him? I was going to find out. I got in my car and drove into my future, alone.

No, not alone, I reminded myself.

Free.

THANK YOU:

To
Tracy, Chris, and the entire Luminis team, for once again making this possible, and also, for making it fun.

To
Geri, Susie, Cindy, Rebecca, and Kristine, for their indispensable help in making this story something you actually want to read.

To
my agent, April Eberhardt, for the constant support.

To
Brit Godish, for the kick-ass cover.

To
my daughter, though she can't yet read this, for being so frequently patient even when I'm not.

To
my family and friends, whose love and enthusiasm sustain me.

To
my husband, for everything, always.

And,
of course, to
you.

Cara Bertrand is a former middle school literacy teacher who now lives in the woods outside Boston with: one awesome husband, two large dogs, one small daughter, and lots of words. She is the author of SECOND THOUGHTS and LOST IN THOUGHT, the first novel in the Sententia and one of three finalists for the Amazon/Penguin Breakthrough Novel Award in the Young Adult category.

Visit her online at
www.carabertrand.com
or on Twitter @carabertrand