Second Thoughts

Second Thoughts

by Jade Winters

Published by Wicked Winters Books

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2014 Jade Winters

www.jade-winters.com

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Other titles by Jade Winters

Novels

143

A Walk Into Darkness

Caught By Love

Guilty Hearts

Say Something

Faking It

Novellas

Talk Me Down From The Edge

Short Stories

The Makeover

The Love Letter

Love On The Cards

A Story Of You

I would like to say a big thank you to Faye Plummer for being my second set of eyes. Also, a big thank you to my long suffering partner, for putting up with late nights and for making copious amounts of tea to get me through the day.

Whenever Melissa had thought of death, she always pictured the grim reaper with his scythe hidden within the dark shadows of his cloak, waiting for the sickly to succumb to some kind of hideous disease. What she hadn’t given much thought to was the likelihood of being involved in a scene like today. That she, at twenty-one, would be sitting in a small chapel, with the sound of Sarah Brightman’s haunting voice singing
It’s Time to Say Goodbye
. Nor had she thought it possible that the two coffins that lay side-by-side in front of the altar would contain the bodies of both her parents.

But there she was, her erect back pressing hard against the wooden pew, trying to make the pain in her spine hurt more than the one in her heart. Except that was near enough impossible. As was trying to figure out how barely two weeks ago, her parents had been living, breathing people with plans for the future. But now they were dead; their departed souls meandering towards the great unknown.

The music faded as the priest looked up from his notes on the lectern and spoke in a low tremulous voice.

“This is not a time for us to grieve but to celebrate the lives of Barbara and John Carter,” he started, giving a slight pause as he looked out across the mourners. “They leave behind their beloved daughters, Eli and Melissa.” He glanced briefly at the two women seated in the front row before returning to his notes. “Let us look back and remember how these two wonderful people touched our lives.”

Melissa tuned out the priest’s words. She knew the speech by heart. Her sister had provided the eulogy word for word. Being fifteen years older than Melissa, Eli had more stories to share.

Her eyes closed as she recalled the last time she had seen them; she’d been woken by the sound of footsteps thundering down the hallway below her bedroom. Her first thought was that the house was being ransacked by burglars, until she heard her father’s raised voice. That in itself was strange – her father never raised his voice. It was when she’d heard the pleading sobs of her mother that she had leapt out of bed, her unsteady legs carrying her to the door as fast as they could. She swung it open just as her dad reached the landing, his face flushed and distorted. He walked past without acknowledging her, even when she’d called out to him.

Seconds later he was marching back towards her clutching a black leather bag, his eyes glazed and unreadable. He stopped and stared at her as if he was looking at a stranger, before turning abruptly and racing down the stairs. In seconds he’d opened the front door and disappeared through it. Melissa ran after him, stopping at the open doorway just as he clambered into his car. Her mother, wild-haired and still wearing her nightdress, yanked at the passenger door and jumped in beside him. Melissa watched the scene in a daze as the engine gunned and the car wheels squealed, leaving skid marks on the road as it sped off down the winding street.

Later that day when the police knocked on the door, Melissa knew before the young officer even opened his mouth that her life would never be the same again. That the sorrow conveyed in his eyes could only mean one thing – something devastating had happened. Ever since that fateful day, she had been swimming in a great black abyss, unable to find her way out.

The music started up again and people began to stand in the pews, tearful eyes watching twelve pall-bearers, dressed smartly in grey suits, move to the front of the chapel and lift the coffins effortlessly onto their shoulders. Laying her parents to rest would be over in minutes but adjusting to life without them would take a lifetime.

“Why don’t you come and stay with me for a while?” Eli asked a while later as the mourners scattered across the courtyard, hurrying into their cars as dark clouds began to form in the sky.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m going to look at a house share today.”

The women leaned in and embraced awkwardly.

“Melissa, today of all days we should be together.”

Silence. Eli tried another angle.

“Well, at least let me come with you.”

Melissa swung her head in a slow side-to-side motion. “If you don’t mind I’d rather be alone.”

“Okay, have it your way.” Eli’s mouth tightened. “But please, keep in touch.”

Melissa looked into the teary eyes of her sister. She felt more like a stranger to her than a blood relative. She had been three when Eli had left home to attend university and Eli never seemed to have time for her little sister. Even as Melissa grew up into a young woman, the emotional gap between them never closed.

Scott, her dad’s best friend, approached them from behind, first nodding his head at Eli then wrapping his arm around Melissa’s shoulders before pulling her to him. “Please come and visit soon. You know I am here for you both.” His deep voice was choked with emotion.

Melissa drew away from his arms. “I will Scott and thank you.”

“Are you sure you don’t want a lift?” Eli asked, blowing her nose into a tissue.

“No, it’s okay. Where I’m going isn’t far from here. I could do with the walk.”

“Things will get better, Melissa,” Eli said with a sympathetic look as she reached out and patted her arm.

A faint smile touched Melissa’s lips as she stepped away from them both. She could only hope Eli was right. In the space of a month she had lost all that she once held close to her heart – her girlfriend, her parents, and the sanctuary of her home, but with the will of God, she was still standing.

Fifteen minutes later she walked up the path to what she hoped would be her new home and
her
new beginning. The door creaked open as she approached and a woman with dark hair appeared. Though the grey clothes she wore on her tall, slender body were dull, her gold-green eyes radiated warmth. Despite the terrible day she’d had her mood brightened. Melissa liked her immediately.

The woman’s face broke out into a smile as she extended her hand. “Hi, you must be Melissa, I’m Bettina.”

Four years later

After much consideration, Melissa decided her mother had been right when she said, “The older you get, the quicker time flies.” Having only been eighteen at the time, Melissa had laughed, but now that she was twenty-five, time was moving faster than she could have imagined.

She held her left hand in the air, tilting her head to the side as she stared down at the four carat diamond ring that adorned her finger.
Not long now before our new life begins
.

Bettina’s voice snapped her out of her daydream. “Have you any thoughts on the baby or not?”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“What do you mean what kind of thoughts? Weren’t we just discussing baby names?”

“Yes and I told you I like the name Finch, but you poo-pooed my contribution as usual.”

“Melissa, I thought you were joking. You can’t seriously want to name our child Finch?”

Melissa pushed herself up into a sitting position, parallel with Bettina at the top of their bed. “What’s wrong with it?”

“What’s...?” Bettina shook her head disapprovingly. “Only you could come up with a name guaranteed to make our child a laughing stock.”

“That’s not fair.” She pouted. “At least it would make them stand out from the crowd.”

“Surely her personality will do that.”

“
His
you mean,” Melissa insisted with a playful nudge to Bettina’s side. “I don’t know what the problem is; Jada Pinket-Smith named her kids some pretty unique names.”

Bettina cleared her throat. “Willow?” She pressed her lips into a fine line. “Care to try again?”

“Okay, so Willow was a bad example,” she conceded with a smile. “But you know what I mean.”

Bettina turned onto her side, walking her fingers along Melissa’s arm. “Of course I do. But I don’t want our kid being bullied, especially for having a name they’ll be stuck with for life.”

Melissa blew out a breath. “You worry too much, that’s your problem. It wasn’t so long ago having lesbian parents would have carried a huge stigma but look how things have changed,” she continued. “Gay men as sole parents were basically unheard of ten or fifteen years ago, but now look, you’ve got them bringing children up without a mother figure involved at all.”

“That’s all very well, but if you don’t mind, I’d rather we still erred on the side of caution.”

“So when our kid is born, if it’s a boy we’ll name him Jack and if it’s a girl, Jill. Simples,” Melissa announced, her eyes dancing with humour.

“Sweetheart, I think it’s best if we look at a few baby books for more popular names to choose from.” She relaxed into Melissa’s open arms and snuggled against her chest.

“Okay, you know best,” Melissa said resting her hand on Bettina’s mass of hair, stroking it absent-mindedly. Just the thought of having a baby with Bettina made her stomach bubble with excitement. If all went to plan, in nine months their lives would be complete and they would be enjoying the fulfilment of motherhood together for the first time.

The date for their appointment at the London Women’s Clinic was deeply etched in her memory. On the fifteenth of July, Bettina would be artificially inseminated by an unnamed sperm donor they had carefully selected from a fertility bank.

“I can’t wait to see a mini replica of you walking around the house,” Melissa said wistfully.

Bettina peeked up at her through one eye. “I’m only hoping it has the good looks of the father. The last thing it needs is my button nose, Dr Spock ears, and skin so pale everyone thinks I’m anaemic.”

Melissa laughed. “Now you’re just being plain silly.”

“Oh yeah, even my own mother said I have the jaw line of a super hero.”

Melissa kissed the top of her head, squeezing her tight. All of Bettina’s negative talk about her appearance was nonsense as far as she was concerned. None of those things mattered to her. Some people went for looks, for others it was intellect. For Melissa it was the goodness in someone’s heart and Bettina had bucket loads of it.

“Let’s get some shut eye now. I’ve still got a lot to sort out tomorrow for our big day,” Bettina said sleepily.

Melissa reached over and turned off the bedside lamp. “Is there anything I can help with?”

“Yes, remind me to ask Eli about your photo album for the wedding collage.”

“I will do.” She snuggled under the quilt. “Night then.”

Bettina leaned over and kissed Melissa on the lips. “Night, angel.”

It was moments like this, when the world was held at bay and they were wrapped up in their own cocoon of euphoria, that she thanked her lucky stars for finding Bettina in her lifetime. Melissa knew it was clichéd but Bettina made everything in her life so perfect. She exhaled a long sigh of contentment, knowing that the love and stability she craved was finally all hers.

Feeling hopeful, Sara looked through the microscope at the flask of adipocytes – fat cells she had grown for her latest experiment. Seeing the cells floating in the culture medium she sighed.
Dead again.
She massaged her temples as her head began to throb. It was a good thing humanity wasn’t depending on her finding a cure for cancer. This was the second batch this week that had failed. Returning to the fume hood, she grabbed the detergent and sprayed the foul smelling liquid inside the flask before closing the lid and throwing it into the autoclave bin. It was lab protocol to ensure cell containers were treated before being disposed of. Robotically, she sprayed the inside of the hood with ethanol, cleaned the surface, and switched it off. She wouldn’t bother starting any more today. She tried to convince herself that she’d come back on Monday when she was in a better frame of mind.
Who am I kidding
? She knew she’d be back first thing tomorrow and Sunday as well. She was not the type to let anything beat her, no matter how trying it became.