Second Rate Chances (15 page)

             
“I’m so sorry, Lil,” he whispered. “I hate this. I hate not knowing the past three years. I hate not knowing what I’ve done to us. But most of all, I hate knowing you aren’t mine anymore.”

             
Lil’s hands traveled up Sam’s coat until they were on either side of his face. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks and he did what he could to brush them away.

             
She looked at him through brown eyes he could easily lose himself in.

             
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He was on the verge of tears himself as he apologized again. He’d say he was sorry till he was blue in the face if that was what it took.

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SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 17

Lil sat at her desk daydreaming about Sam.

His smile.

The feather light touches of his hands on her face.

The way it felt to have his lips on hers.

How his hair felt between her fingers.

He had turned her world upside down with the kisses from the night before. And not just the kissing, but his honesty. He wanted her.

             
She wanted him too, and that was a huge problem.

             
But for the time being, she was going to enjoy the playback in her head. Like a lovesick fool, she smiled remembering every touch of his hands, of his mouth.

             
“What has you looking so wistful this morning?” Ellie asked, stopping in to deliver Lil a new order for prints. Lil looked down at the paper and was glad it wasn’t a rush order before the holidays. She didn’t think she’d be able to get much work done with Sam on her mind.

             
“Nothing,” Lil lied.

             
“Bullshit,” Ellie said, hands planted firmly on her hips. “I’ve seen that look before. Plenty of times. That look has Sam written all over it. And I know you didn’t get laid or you’d be humming.”

             
Lil sighed. It was a happy sigh. A dreamy sigh.

             
“He came over last night.”

             
“Yeah? And?”

             
“It didn’t start off so well.”

             
“I’m assuming it ended better?” Lil smiled and nodded. Ellie pulled up the chair in front of Lil’s desk and sat, an eager smile on her face. “Spill the details, sister. I want to hear it all.”

             
Lil laughed. It felt good to laugh when just a week and a half ago she would have never thought she’d be able to while Sam was around.

             
“It starts with the bad news,” she began. “We went to Grayson’s to pick out a tree.”

             
Ellie grimaced. “Toby.” Lil nodded. “Ouch. What did he do?”

             
“He creeped me out
and then made a big deal of telling me that when Sam left he’d be there to pick up the pieces…again.”

             
“I’ll bet that went over well with Sam. So what did Sam do?”

             
“Pretty much what you’d expect Sam to do. He was pissed, got pretty territorial in true Sam fashion. We may have let Toby believe we were back together.”

             
“So, did he ask you about Toby?”

             
“No. When we got back to my house, he helped get the tree inside and then said he was leaving.” Lil studied her fingernails and through her thick lashes she looked up at her best friend. “I kind of pushed the subject on him.”

             
“Of course you would,” Ellie retorted.

             
“Well? What was I supposed to do? Let it hang over our heads? Like it was some elephant in the room? Ellie, I had to tell him it meant nothing. That Toby was just a means to an end.”

             
“And Sam? Did he go for that excuse?”

             
Lil swallowed thickly. “No. We sort of had a fight about it all. I yelled and cried, told him that he wasn’t there so I turned to someone who was. He yelled and told me that maybe that was why he was marrying Chloe. Because she didn’t quit him like I did him and Kane and Abe. I told him to leave and he did.” Lil shrugged.

             
“But he came back?” Ellie questioned.

             
“Yeah,” Lil said softly with a smile. “He did. He apologized for what he said. We made plans to decorate the tree tonight.” She looked at Ellie, her smile widening, “He kissed me, El.”

             
Ellie’s quietness on the news unnerved Lil. She wanted Ellie to be happy with her. She wanted her to take her hands and jump around the office, giggling with excitement like two teenage girls. But that didn’t happen. Ellie remained somber until she released a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak.

             
“You really think this is a good idea?” Ellie wondered aloud.

             
“Why not? I'm supposed to be helping him and as part of his therapy we had planned to revisit some of our old traditions. Tonight we're just doing another one.”

             
“Speaking of therapy,” Ellie cut in. “How's yours going?”

             
Lil gave her friend a pointed stare. “It's fine. I plan to see Dr. Kingston again next week.”

             
“No doubt an emergency session will be needed after tonight,” Ellie muttered loud enough for Lil to hear. She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

             
“It's just decorations, beer, and pizza!” Lil's patience was starting to wear thin. “Nothing harmful in that.”

             
“So he's wining and dining you? How classic Sam. Lil, I'm just worried about you. You're going to fall for him all over again, although the jury is still out on whether you ever fell
out
. Despite what you may have told me, I still think you've never gotten over Sam. You haven't even dated since the epic Toby incident.”

             
“I haven't dated because I don't have time. Work takes a lot out of me.”

             
“Right,” Ellie exaggerated. “So much work. Let me ask you, what happens when Sam remembers? What happens when he knows what happened to you two before you have the chance to tell him?” Not giving Lil the opportunity to answer, Ellie kept talking. “I'll tell you what happens. You crawl back into your hole while he goes on with the wedding.” Ellie paused then said to her friend with a softened expression. “Life will go on for you, separately.”

             
“But that's what we want!” Lil fired back, standing from her chair. “That's the whole point of this therapy. The whole reason why I'm helping him. He remembers and can move on and then so can I. I can go back to how it was before he waltzed back into my life.”

             
“You are so in over your head that even a life raft can't keep you afloat.” Ellie's tone softened. “I just don't want to see you get hurt. I was there last time. Oh,” Ellie said with a sarcastic laugh, “you tried to push me away but I wouldn’t let you, so I know firsthand how bad it was and I'm telling you, this has the makings of a sequel all over it. He is your greatest downfall. The problem is, after he leaves you on the floor, I’ll be the one there to pick you back up.”

~~~~

Lil sat in her living room, waiting for Sam to show up. She kept thinking about everything Ellie had said to her that morning. One thing in particular kept her from getting much work done.  Ellie had been right. Lil had trouble admitting that she hadn’t fallen out of love with him. He was the reason why she hadn’t dated since he left. She compared every guy to him. Even ones that she wasn’t interested in, she’d pick them apart because they weren’t Sam.

             
How had she let her feelings get this far? How had she not stopped herself from loving him? It was easy. He was it for her and always would be. The only thing that could make Lil move on would be for another woman to share his last name and the clock was ticking on that. Should she enjoy these precious moments she was given with him, or should she push him away, refusing to share old memories? Their old memories?

             
But that kiss. That kiss was everything she remembered and more. He was gentle, yet commanding. He held her face in his hands like she was fragile, yet he poured every ounce of desire he had in kissing her.

             
Absentmindedly, Lil’s fingers brushed where their lips had touched. Would he kiss her again tonight? Should she let him? The question she should have been asking herself was
would
she let him?

             
She knew the answer. If Sam wanted to kiss her, then by God, she was going to let him. This wasn’t Chloe’s Sam. This was
her
Sam, at least for a few stolen hours. Until she told him the devastating news from their past. Which she intended to do tonight.

             
The knock at the door nearly had Lil jumping out of her skin. She moved to the door, taking a deep breath before she opened it. She was glad she did because otherwise, Sam would’ve have knocked it out of her.

             
He didn’t look any different than he had the other times she had seen him. Maybe it was the Earth-shattering kiss from the day before.

             
He smirked at her, like he could tell she was thinking about the kiss. Lil composed herself long enough to say, “Hey, come on in.”

             
He stopped in the threshold of the door and leaned over to kiss her gently on the lips. Lil closed her eyes and for the briefest moment, she let herself believe that with a little bit of faith, they might be able to make things work. When he pulled away, reality crashed in on her. He wasn’t hers to have. No matter how bad she wanted him, he was going to leave.

             
“Hey,” he whispered, his breath dancing off her lips like fairies on a midsummer’s night. He pulled up to his full height and held up a pizza box and a six pack of beer. “I have dinner.”

             
Lil plastered a smile on her face. She was torn between asking him to kiss her again or asking him to leave. “Great! Just set those in the kitchen.”

             
As she shut the door, she watched as he walked to the kitchen. He moved with such ease and grace in the house. It was a pity he no longer shared it with her.

             
Lil had to shake her head to clear the thoughts of Sam living with her again. It wouldn’t happen. I shouldn’t happen.

             
Sam took off his coat and walked back to the living room to hang it on the hook beside her door. She stood with her feet planted on the floor, for no other reason than she wasn’t sure what to do. He had thrown her off course with his kiss. Sensing her trepidation, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her waist. Out of habit, Lil let her hands travel up his arms, admiring the muscles under his shirt.

             
“Was I not supposed to do that?” he asked.

             
“What? Oh! I…um…” How as she supposed to tell him that he rocked her world and they hadn’t even had sex? This is what Sam Travers did to her and this was why it was mistake to get involved with him again.

             
“Lil, we don’t have to make this harder than it is. Okay? I’m sorry, maybe I reacted too soon it’s just…” He paused. His fingers caressed the backs of her hips. “It’s just that, I’ve wanted to kiss you since the moment you walked into my hospital room and now that I have, I want to do it all the time.”

             
Lil nodded because she understood what he meant. Did that make it right for them to kiss every time they were together? Probably not, but Lil wasn’t going to turn away from him. She couldn’t. Not when he looked at her through his long eyelashes, his lips forming a perfect pout. She once loved this man. This man who knew her, not Chloe, and damnit, she was going to enjoy him while she had him.

             
“Kiss me again,” she said in a low, seductive whisper.

             
He obliged, snaking his tongue out as their lips met. She gripped his forearms while his hands traveled further up her back, ghosting over every inch. He pulled her closer to him so that their bodies nearly became one. Playfully, she nipped at his bottom lip and his hand came down to tap her on the ass. She jumped further in his arms and that’s when she could feel the hardest part of him. She had to tell herself that under no circumstances was she to find out if sex with him was just as mind blowing as she remembered.

             
For tonight at least. Tonight, she had bigger plans. Plans that might send him running back out of the door, and out of her life.

             
For good.

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