Second (11 page)

Chapter Nineteen

I fall asleep on the couch, then wake up when I feel Dean carrying me to bed. I don’t argue when he joins me, I just feel tired. Emotionally exhausted. When he wraps me in his arms, I still feel safe, but I also feel sad. He’s leaving in the morning, and there’s so much up in the air between us. Then again, some time apart will give me time to think and get used to this whole situation. To the reality. Ben wasn’t who I thought he was, but that doesn’t mean Dean isn’t, right?

He’s still Dean.

My Dean.

I just don’t trust myself or my judgement anymore.

Everything has been fake, and everyone knew except me. There I was, turning down every man that looked at me even after Ben’s death because I still felt loyal to him and I wasn’t ready to move on from him, yet he’d been fucking around during our marriage, and now Dean is cleaning it up, handing money over to this woman. No wonder she couldn’t look at me. If I was a mistress I wouldn’t be able to look at the wife of the man I was with either. I don’t know how she justifies it in her head, but then again she owed no loyalty to me. Ben did. And he didn’t give me that. If I could turn the clock back, I’d go back to the first moment I met Dean. I’d ask him to take me home, instead of waiting for Ben. But I can’t change anything and there’s no point having regrets. It won’t help my current situation. I just need to deal with it. I’m a strong woman. This isn’t going to break me.

Nothing will.

While everyone knew about this and I didn’t, I can still walk around with my head held high. I can be proud of the person I am, because I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t betray anyone. I’ve done nothing wrong.

Everyone else can go to hell.

I close my eyes and hope that I fall asleep soon, just so I can get rid of these thoughts in my head, even if it’s just for a few hours.

Peace.

I just want peace.

*****

Everything looks better in the morning. I have a headache, but I let everything go, pushing Ben, Sam, and Luke out of my mind. I concentrate on Dean instead. He’s leaving in an hour. We didn’t make love this morning, but we did cuddle. He’s now finishing packing, while I’m sitting on the bed, wondering what to say to him. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on between us, and in this last week we’ve grown so close. I really just don’t know.

“Are you okay?” he asks me, resting his hand on my nape.

“Yeah,” I say, forcing a smile. I know if I don’t say bye to him properly I will regret it. There’s no point lashing out at Dean. He hid something from me, and I’ve told him it hurt me. I’m going to leave it at that. I don’t want him to leave with us angry. You never know when the last time you’ll see someone is, and I will never leave anyone I care about on bad terms. No, I want them to know just how much they mean to me every time.

“Can I make you something to eat before we leave?” I ask him. We had a light breakfast, but I’m a little hungry again already.

“I’m fine, babe,” he says, cupping my cheek. “Are you hungry? We can get something on the way, if you want.”

“I’m good,” I tell him. I’ll grab something after I drop him at the airport. If I haven’t lost my appetite by then.

I hate this.

I hate that we went from being so easy around each other to this. I don’t know what to say, or how to act. I’m still upset that he lied to me and I can’t pretend that I’m not, but he’s flying home today. I don’t want to fight anymore. But things can’t be exactly how they were before the knock on my front door.

“Come here,” he says, pulling me to stand up and pressing me against his hard chest. “I fucking hate this, Sabina. Why don’t you come with me? I’ll buy you a ticket right now. Can you take off another week or two?”

He waits for the last minute to ask me this? “I can’t. My manager is my friend but even she’s not just going to give me another week off.”

I mean, I could ask and there’s a small chance it will be fine, but do I really want to go with him right now? I haven’t packed or anything. It’s too late. I don’t know. “Maybe I can come to you in a couple of weeks?”

He breathes a sigh of relief, like he didn’t know if he’d be seeing me again or something.

“Promise me,” he says, lifting my chin up.

“I’ll promise that I’ll try to get work off,” I say, nodding. “And if I can then yeah, I’ll come to you. It’s long overdue, apparently.”

“Yes, it is,” he says, kissing me once. “I hope you can forgive me for not telling you. I don’t want you to start ignoring me as soon as I leave, Sabina. Because I’ll be on the next flight home, fucking appearances or not.”

“I won’t ignore you,” I tell him, and I won’t. If he did that to me, I know how much I’d hate it. Relationships aren’t easy, but long distance? You need to have communication or there is no point.

“Good girl,” he says, and this time the kiss we share is long, deep, and slow.

And sad.

It’s going to suck not having him here with me, but I know the time alone to clear my head will do me good. Also, if work cooperates, hopefully I’ll be visiting him at his house soon for the first time. We can talk more about everything then, or on the phone in the meantime.

“I’m going to miss you, even though you’re a jerk,” I say.

“You really think I’m a jerk?”

“No,” I grumble. But he did what he did, so he’s… something.

A man who made a mistake?

Maybe that.

“Good,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “Fuck, I don’t want to leave you, especially not now. If I didn’t have this appearance, I’d stay here. If you can’t come to me, I’ll come back here in a week or so, whenever I’m free, okay?”

Fuck, he’s sweet. And so damn cute.

“Okay,” I say, feeling more upbeat. Either way, we’ll be seeing each other soon. This isn’t like last time; we’re not going to let much time pass before we’re back together. This isn’t goodbye, just I’ll see you soon.

We end up making out, and when it turns hot and heavy, I wonder why the hell we wasted so much time this morning being angry and sad and all of those other annoying emotions when we could have been doing this.

“Do we have time?” I ask him as he starts to lift my dress up.

“I don’t give a fuck,” he says, pushing me back on the bed, pulling down my panties and going down on me.

“Oh my God,” I groan, threading my fingers through his hair and lifting my hips up into his face.

I’m going to miss his mouth.

His lips.

Him.

“Dean, I want you inside me,” I say breathily, needing to feel him before he goes. He undoes his jeans, pulls them down, and takes his perfect cock out, hard and ready like it always is, and slides inside of me in one smooth thrust. Eyes staying connected with mine, he thrusts in and out of me, fast and deep, an almost desperate air about it. He’s going to be in a different country. It fucking sucks. Lips on mine, hips dipping, this time we climax together.

“I love you, Sabina,” he whispers to me, kissing me softly, a sweet kiss that coincides with his words.

“Dean—”

“Don’t say anything,” he says, shutting me up with his mouth. “I don’t want you to say anything, I just wanted you to know that that’s how I feel about you. I love you. I think I always have in some way or form, and I want it. I want us. I’m not going to do anything to fuck this up.”

I don’t know what to say, so I just kiss him again, telling him without the words how I feel about him.

There’s something here, something worth it.

It’s rare, it’s pure.

And Dean won’t be fighting to keep it alone.

Chapter Twenty

“What do you do if there’s paparazzi in the airport?” I ask him as we get close.

“I usually have security walk me through,” he says, rubbing the stubble on his cheek. “But it just attracts more attention. I’ll just walk through quickly. It’s a small town; I doubt I’ll have any drama. I didn’t last time.”

“I’m coming in with you,” I say.

I guess we can do that whole sad airport goodbye part.

“Do you want to talk about anything?” he asks me, glancing at me quickly before turning back to the road. “I don’t want you to feel like we’re not okay, you know? That’s going to drive me insane while I’m back at home.

If there’s anything you want to talk about, let’s have it out now.”

“I don’t think there’s anything else to say,” I say, shrugging. “You kept something huge from me, Dean, and I’m hurt and upset about it. You know how I feel. I’m going to take this time alone to clear my head and try to sort my feelings out.”

“I fucked up, I’ll be the first to admit it,” he says, hand finding my thigh. “I handled it all… terribly, and that’s an understatement. I should have told you. I’m sorry. Please, don’t think I’m keeping anything else from you, or that I’m not an honest person because that’s not the case. I’ll never do to you what he did. I’d never betray you in any way. I’m not him. You’re everything I’ve always wanted, and I’ll never hurt you intentionally. It kills me that you’re hurt, which I knew was inevitable. I guess I was just holding off on the pain, in fucking denial, thinking that none of this stuff would ever touch you. I was stupid.”

“Yes, you were,” I admit, lifting my chin up. I then soften my tone and say, “I don’t want you to leave with us angry with each other either. So no, I’m not happy about it, but we’re okay and we can discuss this further another time.”

Sometimes people leave and don’t come back. Accidents happen. There’s no chance in hell I’m letting us part on bad terms.

“You’re the one who is angry,” he says, his tone light. “Not me. So you have to stop being angry.”

I roll my eyes at him. “Don’t lie or omit or conceal shit from me again, Dean.”

“I won’t,” he says, squeezing my thigh. “I’ll let you know about any other illegitimate kids straight away.”

I slap at his arm. “Too soon to joke, buddy. Way too soon.”

“Sorry,” he says, but I don’t miss his lip twitching.

He turns to me and sees my unimpressed expression. “I love you, Sabina.”

“You going to use that to get you out of things every time you’re a douche?” I ask, the mood between us changing to light and playful.

“If it works,” he says. “And you don’t think I’m a douche, babe. You think I’m amazing.”

I shake my head. “Ego, much?”

We park the car, but before I move to get out he leans over to kiss me. “You have no idea how much I’m going to just miss being around you.”

I swallow.

I do know, because I’m going to miss him too.

We get out of the car, he grabs his bag, and we walk inside. He has his hat and sunglasses on, but I know he’s going to have to take them off when we get inside. When I can’t go in any further, we come to a standstill.

“I’ll see you soon,” he says, as I grab him and hold on to him tightly. “And I’ll call you the second I land.”

“Okay,” I say into his t-shirt.

A lingering kiss, and then he’s gone.

*****

“I can’t believe this shit,” Tara mutters, looking like she wants to punch someone. Most probably Ben. “That slimy, fake bastard. A kid? Really? He had the best woman in the world at home and he’s off fucking someone else? Did he even want kids?”

“Not really,” I say, looking into my mug of coffee.  “I mean, it was on the table but neither of us wanted one straight away, especially him.”

“And don’t get me started on Mr. Dean Amore,” she says, flipping her hair back. “I’m so sorry, Bina. I can’t believe this has happened. Can I send Dean an abusive message? I’d like to use my best friend privileges, thank you.”

“Abusive message not needed,” I say, laughing at her animated expressions. “I’m upset that Ben isn’t who I thought he was. I made him sound like the best husband, but he wasn’t. Just because he’s gone I shouldn’t lie or pretend he’s anything he wasn’t. And Dean fucked up. I just hope it was a one-time mistake, and not something he’ll do again, saying that he was trying to protect me from something. Give me truth over protection any day.”

“Said like a true Aquarius,” Tara adds, smirking. “Yeah, everyone really fucked up with you. I’m pissed off for you. Are you going to confront Kate about it? She likes to act like she’s so much better than everyone, and her kids can’t do wrong, but look what Ben did. Cheating isn’t honourable, but then having a kid and hiding him? Total douche move.”

“There’s no point. I feel bad using the kid as a shaming tool; he is just a kid after all,” I say, sighing. “I’d love to give Kate a mouthful but I’m going to be the better person here. And she still has a piece of her son, a grandchild. She probably sees this as a blessing. And looking from a mother’s point of view, maybe it is.”

“Not from your view,” Tara mutters, puffing out a breath. “Let’s go out for a drink tonight. If anyone deserves one, it’s you.”

“Yeah, that actually sounds good,” I say, offering her a smile. “Getting dressed up, wearing make-up and heels and dancing all night with you is definitely something that I need.”

Tara heads home and says she’ll be back later tonight. I send Dean a quick message, knowing he won’t get it until he lands.

I miss you already. Hope your flight wasn’t too bad.

Although in first class, I don’t see how it can be.

There’s a huge time difference from here to LA too, I think it’s about fifteen hours or something, so we’re going to have to work out when we can talk. It’s going to be a bit of a mission, but doable.

I’ll make sure it’s doable.

*****

“I love this song!” I say, standing up and pulling Tara back to the dance floor. I’m on my sixth shot of tequila, and I’m having a great night. We’ve danced and laughed all night, and the night is still young. We head to the middle of the dance floor and start to move to the music, ignoring everyone around us.

“I saw that,” Tara says, laughing.

“Saw what?” I ask, swivelling my hips.

“You just did a belly dance move.”

“Well, what else am I going to classes for if not to show off the moves?” I ask, winking at her.

“This is true,” she says, doing a body roll. “Although I knew that one before class.”

We both laugh like that’s the most hilarious thing anyone has ever said. I realise we can be quite obnoxious when we’re together, but I don’t really care because we always have the best time. Everyone needs a best friend that you can be yourself around, as weird as you like, and can say anything around with no judgement in return. I haven’t been out in so long, it feels good to just be free, with no worries in the world. I know it’s only a temporary fix, and I’ll be regretting it tomorrow when I’m hung-over and dying, but fuck tomorrow.

Let’s live for the moment.

Tara turns around and dances on me, her ass rubbing against me. I grin at her raunchy moves and continue to dance in beat with the music.

By the time we get home the sun is coming up.

I’m asleep before my head even hits the pillows.