Searching for Neverland (45 page)

He’d told me she’d actually pulled
the gun on him first. She threatened to shoot him, and he’d wrestled it toward the wall before she could fire it, which was the first shot we’d heard. Then they’d both collapsed to the floor, and he’d thought it was over.
He thought she’d relented. She even put the gun down. But t
hen she’d looked at him for a few seconds, smiled, picked up th
e gun and turned it on herself
before Josh could even react
, and
I knew he was regretting not
taking the gun when he had the chance
. He’d never let go of that for as long as he lived, and the guilt was
already weighing heavily on him.

“I could have stopped her,” he insisted. “I should have done more.”

“Shh,” I said, as I directed his head back down to my stomach where I stroked his hair, and I felt him start to cry. “You did everything you could. You can’t blame yourself.”

I was seriously pissed off that she’d gone after him. After everything he’d done for her, she turned on him. She almost took him from me and his family and friends, and I couldn’t forgive that, but I also wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire and tell Josh how I felt. Instead I stroked his back, hoping it offered some sort of comfort.

“We have to tell Van tomorrow,” I reminded him.

He nodded against my stomach. “I know.”

And I also knew neither of us was looking forward to that conversation.

Chapter 28

The next day was rough. Josh wasn’t himself, and I didn’t blame him, but instead of laying low and processing what had happened, he threw himself into getting Carlie’s affairs in order. He’d talk to a lawyer about getting her will read, he’d cancelled the lease on the apartment he’d rented for her, and he’d started making preparations for her funeral. We decided it would be a small affair. We’d all fly back up to Atlanta so she could be buried with Jeremy, and only Melissa and her family would be attending. Neither of us knew any of Carlie’s friends, and neither did Mel.

And by the time I ha
d to get ready to go to the bar
I was half-exhausted, and I hadn’t even had to take care of the kids
all day
. Savannah had been doing craft projects with my mom all morning, and my dad had taken Caleb and Tanner to the batting cages, so Josh and I could deal with everything else. But we still had a full night ahead of us.

As much as it felt unnatural, with everything that had happened just twenty-four hours earlier, Josh and I had to go into the bar. We’d let Brad handle the party the night before, because we didn’t have another option, and everything had gone fine, but tonight’s event was the biggest party we had plan
ned for the weekend
.

We were hosting an end of the summer Labor Day blowout with a few live bands, and we had to decorate and set up, and make sure the bands were ready to go. O’Donnell’s had never hosted an event that
big
before, and we’d been planning it for weeks, so everything had to go perfectly.

And
if it did,
tonight’s party was sure to put us on the map. Josh and I had booked some local Tampa bands, but Taryn had called in a favor for us, and Liar’s Edge was coming
back
to headline the night, which was going to be huge. Josh and I owed them big time for playing at our little bar
, but Taryn said Zack and the guys hadn’t thought twice about it
.

I was already changed
for the party
and was putting on my make-up in the bathroom when Caleb came in and sat on the edge of the tub.

“Hey buddy,” I said, as I met his gaze in the mirror. “How are you?”

He shrugged and looked down at his shoes.

“Did you have fun at the batting cages?”

“Yeah,” he said, but he didn’t look up at me.

“You want to talk about it?”

He shook his head, but then I not
iced him reaching up to wipe
his eye
s
, so I turned around and squatted down in front of him. He wouldn’t look at me at first, but then he raised his head and looked at me with tearful eyes as his lower lip trembled, so I moved to sit next to him and pulled him into my arms.

“It’s okay to be sad, Cale. It’s okay to cry.”

“I know,” he said and nodded his head against my chest. “Is it okay to miss her?”

“Yes, of course. And you can talk about her if it helps. It might actually make you feel better.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about her, but I miss her. She didn’t even say goodbye.”

I felt my heart start to break as I rubbed my hand up and down his back. I had no idea how to comfort him in any other way. Words wouldn’t make a difference. They wouldn’t change anything, they wouldn’t bring Carlie back, and they sure as hell wouldn’t make the little boy in my arms feel less destroyed by what she’d done
to him
.

And suddenly I was pissed at her all over again.

“Are you going out?”
Caleb asked then, as he pulled away
and looked at me.

I nodded. “Yeah, Josh and I have to go to work tonight.”

“Oh. Do you have
the same job as my mom? She worked at night too.”

“What did your mom do, sweetie?”

Josh hadn’t ever mentioned what Carlie did for a living.

“She danced on a stage.”

“Oh,” I said, almost choking since
I
could probably guess
what kind of dancing she did. “No, that’s not what I do. Josh and I own a bar, but we only serve drinks and food. There’s not really any dancing, but sometimes we have bands come play.
And tonight we’re having a party.
”

“That’s so cool. Can I go to your party
?”

I sho
ok my head. “No, I’m sorry,
you’re too young. But during the day we serve food, so maybe we can take you and Savannah there for lunch this weekend. Would you like to do that?”

He shrugged. “I guess. If we’re still here.”

“Why wouldn’t you be here?”

He shrugged again. “Sometimes my mom had to go away on the weekends, so we stayed with her friend, Candi. She was a dancer too, and she let us eat ice cream and cotton candy for dinner. It was fun, but I didn’t like the way her house smelled, because she smoked cigarettes and weeds.”

My
eyebrows rose up into my hairline, and I couldn’t find any words. I was learning more about Carlie than I’d ever known, and I wasn’t even sure Josh knew half of what Caleb was sharing with me.

“I don’t know why anyone would
want to smoke weeds, but she did, and
her
house smelled really
gross.”

I had to stifle a laugh as I answered him. “Yeah, I don’t know why anyone would do that either, but you don’t have to worry. Josh and I are going to take care of you guys. We’re all going to stay here for a few days, and then we’ll go back to our house, and you guys can sleep in your room.”

“Okay. So are you coming back tonight?”

“Yeah, we are. It might be late, but we’ll be here when you guys get up in the morning. Why wouldn’t we?” He sighed, and I already knew the answer. “Caleb, were there times when your mom wouldn’t come home at night?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, sometimes, but I always took care of Savannah. I made sure she got breakfast, and I made her lunch, and we walked to the bus stop together. I always held her hand.”

Poor kid. He was ten year-old for crying out loud!

“Well that was really nice of you. You’re a good big brother.”

He shrugged, so I nudged him, trying to get him to smile.

“You know, I would have liked to have had a big brother like you when I was growing up, but I was the oldest. All I had was Josh, and I had to share him with Allison since he was her brother. Did you know that when I met him, he was your age?”

He looked at me with wide eyes. “You knew Josh when he was my age?”

“Yeah, I did, and he used to throw spitballs at me and pull my hair and call me names.”

“Really?” he asked, seemingly not believing me.

I nodded. “Yeah, he wasn’t always the sweet guy he is now.”

“It’s probably because he thought you were pretty.
”

“Aww, Caleb. That’s so sweet,” I said, pulling him into a hug. “Thank you.”

Josh chose that moment to walk into the bathroom, dressed in jeans and a white button down. “Hey little
bro
, you snaking my girl?” he asked, and Caleb blushed.

“No,” he said, pulling away from me and looking down at his feet again, his cheeks flaming red.

Josh went and sat on his other side and pulled him into a headlock. “It’s cool. I know she’s hot, but she’s taken.”

Then he started tickling Caleb, and Caleb squirmed and laughed and tried to get away, but Josh had him in a tight grip. Finally, Caleb broke free and ran to the other side of the ba
throom, laughing and gasping for
breath as he taunted Josh.

“You can’t get me. You can’t get me.”

“I’ll give you a thirty second head start, and then I’m coming after you,” Josh told him, and Caleb started to run out of the bathroom, but then he stopped in the doorway, and stuck his head back inside.

“Taylor?”

I looked up and met his earnest gaze. “Yeah?”

He grinned. “You look really pretty tonight. Have fun at your party.” Then he took off running down the hall.

Josh looked over at me with a smirk on his face.

“What?” I asked him, unable to hide the grin on my face.

“My boy’s got gam
e,” he said, and I just laughed, as Josh stood up. “Alright, I think I’ve given him enough of a head start.”

“Josh?”
I called after him as he started to leave the bathroom.

“Yeah?” He
turned around and
looked at me pensively.

“What did Carlie do for work?”

“She worked at a bank. She was a manager.”

I couldn’t help scrunching up my face as I contemplated what he’d just said. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Positive. Why?”

I turned to face him, not sure how to broach the subject outside of just coming out and saying it. “Caleb told me she was a dancer, and she worked nights. Any chance she was a dancer who took her clothes off?”

Josh looked at me in utter disbelief, and at first I thought he didn’t believe me. Then he hung his head. “She was a stripper in college. It’s how she and Jeremy met,” he said quietly. Then he shook his head a few times and sla
mmed his open palm against the door frame
. I reeled back in shock. I’d never seen him be so violent before. “Fuck!”

“I’m guessing you didn’t know she was back doing it?”

I was
n’t sure it was the right time
to share with him that the kids had
also
stayed
with
Carlie’s stripper friend on the nights their mom worked – or that said friend smoked pot around them. Josh was
too pissed
in that moment.
I didn’t need to add fuel to the fire.

“No, I didn’t,” he snapped, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me.

I crossed the room to him.
“It’s okay, Josh.”

“No, it’s not,” he said rigidly
, his gaze going to the wall
. “I was there. I stayed with them, and she got dressed in the mornings and went to her bank job.”

“Well, maybe she was having financial trouble and had to work two jobs.”

He looked
back
over at me then. “Then why didn’t she ask me for help? I would have given her money, helped her out however I could. Dammit. Why didn’t she ask me for help?! Why? Why?”

I knew his questions were no longer related to Carlie’
s financial burdens, so I did
the only thing I could to comfort him. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as he took deep breaths to center himself
and tried to find answers among
the chaos. But we both knew those answers would never come.

* * *

Josh sighed as he hung up the phone after talking to my mom for a few minutes.

“Everything okay?” I asked him
as we pu
lled into our driveway at home.

We were going to park there, but we weren’t going inside. One of the police officers had given Josh the name of a company that cleans up crime scenes, and until they had the house looking spotless, and the bullet hole in the wall was patched up, we were staying away. We definitely couldn’t bring the kids inside, but neither of us wanted to see it either.