Searching for Beautiful (25 page)

A mixture of emotions swirls around inside me, like clay on a pottery wheel or paints being stirred with a brush. The part of me that wishes he could have saved me, blending with the one that knows he never could have. I’m not sure anyone can really save someone else. We have to do it ourselves.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “No one could have saved me but me.”

Tears wet my dad’s eyes. He pulls me to him, squeezing me tightly. So very tightly. “I love you,
dolcezza.
I should have been better. I should have paid attention to you, instead of losing myself. I owed you. I owed your mom. We both loved you so much.”

I shake my head. Speak into his chest. “I sat in my room making pottery while she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t listen. I was mad at her because she wouldn’t take me shopping for a dress to wear to the stupid dance. I went out in my room and didn’t take care of her and she
died
! At least I could have made it so she didn’t go alone.”

Dad’s voice is maybe the firmest I’ve ever heard it when he says, “No.” He again makes me look at him. “Don’t you do that. It’s not you’re fault, Brynn. Do you hear me? You couldn’t have saved her. You couldn’t have known. She hadn’t been feeling well for a couple weeks, but I didn’t push it. I didn’t think anything of it, either. And who knows if the fact that she hadn’t been feeling well had anything to do with the aneurysm, but I will regret that until the day I die. Still, we couldn’t have known, okay?”

I can’t stop myself from listening to him. From believing him. The strength is back in Dad. The determination. And it reminds me of who he’d been before she died. It’s impossible not to let his words be truth.

I thought last night I’d cried all my tears, but I didn’t. This time we cry them together. Hug and tell each other we’re sorry. He says he loves me and I know he does. And we’re okay. I know from now on, we’ll be all right.

When the tears finally dry, Dad tells me, “I have something for you. A memory gift.”

I thought he’d forgotten. When I didn’t get one yesterday, I’d thought we wouldn’t do it without her. My heart races at that. This was Mom’s thing. Her most favorite thing in the world.

Dad stands before helping me to do the same. He goes to his room and comes back quickly with a red-wrapped package. The paper goes quickly. Mom use to tease me for being impatient. She unwrapped her gifts slowly so she could savor it. Me? I ripped right in. A part of me always believed the quicker you got to something, the more amazing it would be. When it’s almost open, I wonder if maybe she was right. If I tried to open my packages too fast, wanting too much, when I should just savor every moment.

So the last piece comes off slowly. I gasp when I see it.

“It’s more my memory than yours,” he whispers.

I actually have to grab the wrist of the hand holding the gift so I don’t drop it. It’s a picture. One of Mom I don’t remember seeing before. And it’s me, I’m guessing. There’s a swaddled baby in her arms, the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. We’re outside, the sun bright. Wind flies through her hair, making her look like a movie star on set.

She’s incredible. She’s happy. She’s beautiful.

“That was the day we brought you home.” Dad stands up and walks over to me. “You were her world. She never wanted anything as much as she wanted you, Brynn. She was heartbroken when we couldn’t have a baby, but then she found you and she told me she knew that everything that happened was to lead her to you. That she was meant to be your mom and it made all the pain worth it. Being a mom to you was all she ever wanted.”

Tears fall freely down my face now. They splash against the glass of the picture, but somehow none of them hit her.

“She was so beautiful,” I tell him, trying to talk around the ball in my throat.

“
La mia bella signora.”
With his finger, he touches her through the glass.

“I loved her so much,” I whisper.

“Me too,
dolcezza
. And I love you, too.”

He does. I know he really does.

“I love you, Dad.”

We’re quiet for a minute before I ask another question. “Do you think it’s normal to be a little sad about Jason? I mean, not because I still care but—”

“Of course it is. You’re human, Brynn, and you have a big heart. Death is always sad. Especially…”

“Because of the girl. What if that had been me?”

“It wasn’t.”

“It could have been. And maybe that doesn’t matter. What does is that she’s gone. I’m scared… I’m scared it’s my fault. Because I didn’t press charges.” Or I didn’t tell when I saw him or when he called me. Who knows if those things would have mattered, but maybe the attention would have made Jason more nervous. Maybe it would have kept him from trying to take advantage of someone the way he did me.

Dad sighs. “Then it would be my fault, too. The right thing to do is never completely clear. We just have to try our best. And that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”

I think maybe he’s right. When I thought I was in love with Jason, I would have done anything to be with him. Maybe his age wouldn’t even have chased me away. Not if he really loved me. That’s not a good thing, but it’s an honest one. “People aren’t all good or bad, I don’t think.” Not me, Jason, Christian, my friends, my parents. None of us. We’ve all done things that are wrong and things that are right. In the end, that’s part of being human. Some of our actions are just a little worse than others.

“No. I can promise you they’re not.”

I think about everything that’s happened since we lost Mom. How he pushed me away. How I pushed my friends away before, and now I’ve pushed Christian. Christian was right. I’m not taking my life back. I’m not fighting. Jason is still winning. And maybe… Just maybe he wasn’t all bad, either. It’s not something I will ever know. But maybe he just wanted to feel loved and didn’t know how to find it the way he needed to. Just like me. He’s responsible for his actions, and I’m responsible for mine.

Maybe if I could have been stronger, he wouldn’t have been in that car. Or that girl wouldn’t have been with him. Maybe she would still be alive, maybe not. There’s no way of knowing. It could have been the first day they met, or he could have been tricking her the same way he did me. Either way, I refuse to stand by anymore. Refuse to let people get hurt because I wasn’t strong enough to
do
something. Even though Jason is dead, I want to fight, for myself, for others, to be happy. To see all the beautiful in the world and to find it in my own. Not to wait for someone like Jason to give it to me.

I can be my own beautiful.

“I have to go,” falls out of my mouth.

“What? Where?” Dad sounds panicked.

I walk away and he follows me. “To the center. Emery never told me where she lives, but she could be in trouble. She’s been seeing her ex-boyfriend when she’s not supposed to, and he’s hurt her.”

A little flash of something I can’t read blips in his eyes. Pride maybe? “I’ll go with you,” he says.

We get ready and go to the center. The counselor is surprised to see us, but leads the way to her office. Dad holds my hand as I tell them about Emery and Max. She might hate me for it and though it will hurt, I can’t regret this. I know in my heart it’s the right thing to do. For Emery. For her baby.

Valerie thanks me and says they will be in contact with not only Emery’s foster parents, but Max’s probation officer.

“You did the right thing. He’s dangerous. You could have just saved your friend’s life. Hers or her baby’s,” she tells me.

“Thank you.”

I’m scared for Emery. Scared for our friendship, but for the first time since losing Mom—maybe the first time in forever—I feel like I’m becoming the person I’m supposed to be.

“Valerie?”

“Yes, Brynn,” she replies.

“Maybe we can plan an extra session. I need… I want to talk.”

Dad squeezes my shoulder.

“Absolutely, Brynn. I would love nothing more than to listen.”

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Before

“Christian moved. I can’t believe he just
left
and didn’t even say good-bye.” I cry into the phone with Ellie. Mom and Dad aren’t home. It’s their anniversary and they went to dinner and a movie. I know if I call them, they’ll come home, but I don’t want to ruin their night.

“I’m so sorry, Brynn. Boys suck.”

“I know it sounds stupid, but I thought maybe we would be like Mom and Dad…”

“It doesn’t sound stupid. I’m going to get cookies and I’m coming over, okay? I’ll tell Diana to come, too.”

“Your mom said you couldn’t. She said they’re having a dinner party.”

“So? You’re more important than their stupid parties. They have them all the time. Even if I’m here, she’ll forget about me within five minutes.”

“But you won’t have a ride.”

“I’ll ride my bike. We’re best friends, Brynn. That’s what best friends do for each other.”

Forty-five minutes later, Ellie and Diana show up at my house, sweaty from their bike ride, and with cookies in hand.

We run up to my room and all jump onto my bed. We relive my dance with Christian and then take turns making up reasons he had to leave. That his parents dragged him away even though he didn’t want to go. He was massively in love with me and was currently crossing the country on foot to make his way back.

Even though I cried earlier, now I’m laughing. That’s what these girls do for me. They make me happy and they’re always there when I need them, just like I will always be there for them.

It’s less than an hour later when Ellie’s mom calls and asks if she’s here. I hand the phone to my friend. One of my best friends.

“Ellie? What do you think you’re doing? I told you to stay home.” Her mom is yelling so loudly, both Diana and I can hear her.

“It’s important! My friends needed me.”

“I don’t care. You get your butt home right now or you’re grounded for a month.”

“Fine!” Ellie yells before hanging up.

Then she does the craziest thing… She climbs right back on the bed and pops another cookie into her mouth.

“Ell, you have to go! You’re going to get into trouble.” I stand.

“You guys are here for me more than they ever are, so I’m going to be here for you.”

“But it’s not that important. I’m just being a baby over a stupid boy.”

“Boys are very important.” Ellie laughs. I roll my eyes and she continues. “I’m staying. That’s what friends do, right? We make it better.”

I can’t help but smile. “I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“I’m staying regardless. I guess that means we need to have extra fun so it will last me the next month!” She laughs and we do, too. We eat the whole package of cookies and put makeup on in silly ways just to be able to laugh and tease each other. And even though Ellie does get grounded for a month, she says it was worth it. Diana would have done the same. And I would have for them, too.

Always.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Now

I text Ellie and Diana to meet me at Ellie’s house. Her parents will both be at work, even the day after Christmas. They’re like that. They always work. It’s one of the reasons Ellie used to like being at my house so much.

I raise my hand to knock, but Ellie is already pulling the door open. Diana sits on the couch and gives me a small smile. Just seeing them, being open to them, all my emotions push to the surface. These were my best friends. I loved them. They held my hands at my mom’s funeral. They danced with me in the girl’s bathroom and cried with me just because Christian Medina asked me to dance. We pinkie-swore to be friends forever and to tell each other everything. I miss them…

And I want them back.

“Hey,” I say. As if on cue, they both say hi at the same time. Ellie and Diana sit on the couch, Diana pushing her dark hair out of her face. I can’t stop my feet from wanting to move, but I won’t let myself pace. Holding still, I lean against the fluffy chair across from them and say, “I was lost, when she died.”

It’s amazing how much you can take in after an announcement like that. I see Ellie’s hands start to tremble. She wrings them together, tries to shake it out. Diana’s eyes dart to the ground, but then they look back at me and I think I see a “thank you” in them. Maybe this is what they wanted all along. Maybe we just needed to talk. For me to meet them halfway, or at least to show them I needed them. I glance at Ellie, who always felt so cast aside by her parents and wonder if maybe she felt like when Mom died, and I didn’t introduce them to my boyfriend, I was casting her aside as well.

“I know I pushed you guys away—”

“We
get
that. You lost your mom, Brynn. We knew you were hurting. All we wanted was to be there for you,” Diana says. It hits me, how much better this all could have been if I would have let them be by my side. It’s so easy,
so easy
to lock yourself up. To push people away because you think the pain isn’t as much if you don’t have to acknowledge it, but that’s not true. It makes the hurt a million times worse not to share it with those who care about you. And there’s always someone, I think. I found Emery when I thought I lost my friends. Or Brenda, the people at the center. There has to be someone.

“I know that,” I continue. “I do. It’s like, my brain knew these things. I wanted to open up to you, but I didn’t know how.”

Ellie adds, “You always used to talk to us. We told each other everything.”

My eyes begin to pool with tears. “I just missed her so much. She was incredible and she made me special by choosing me, and I felt so much guilt for not saving her. Or being there for her the way she was always there for me.”

The words are freeing somehow. I thought they all broke free with Dad, but there were more, locked in a cage inside me, begging to escape. Pleading with me to open up because there’s no way to be free from inside that cage.

Ellie looks at me, her blue eyes watery. “She was amazing. We all loved her. You know…I wanted her to be my mom, too. I almost felt like she was. She was always there for all of us and she made everything so much fun. I know it’s not the same, but I felt like I lost her too… And then we lost you as well.”