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‘Which would you rather it be? That’s the real question, James.’

I especially hated it when he ended up not
telling
me anything. ‘I thought psychologists were supposed to help people by defining what the problem
is
?’

‘Where did you get that idea? Go and smoke, I’ll go to the bar.’

I went for a smoke and a shiver.

‘Enjoy that, did you?’ Simon said when I returned, passing over a full pint.

‘Yes, thanks.’ Well, I
had
. Even a cigarette in the freezing cold of early summer was a pleasure, that’s just a fact.

‘Think about this, James. You’ve seven years until you hit forty. If you manage to stop by then and get some exercise you’ll probably be fine. If you’re lucky.’

I had heard this one from my mum and dad
so
many times (until recently, at least). ‘Christ, Simon, give me a break. I know all that, I know the facts. Life’s too short, you know?’

‘Yours probably will be, yes. But you’re right, I apologise. It’s your business. Humans are the only animals capable of not only committing suicide, but convincing themselves they aren’t while they do it. I find that fascinating.’

‘That Drambuie isn’t exactly full of vitamins,’ I said, beleaguered.

‘My point exactly. Well said, James. We are all guilty to some degree, that’s certainly the truth. How was your evening out with Paula?’

Shit
. His timing was deadly. ‘Eh,’ I said, as usual. Which night was he talking about? Did he know Paula had come to see me last night, or did he mean Thursday night after I’d been at their house? I’d have to be vague and wing it, with
him,
the pontificating polygraph.
That
felt like suicide, but I didn’t have a choice. ‘Good, it was nice to catch up,’ I said. That wasn’t necessarily a lie, so I might be okay.

‘She seems keen to re-establish her friendship with you.’ He paused. It seemed like a meaningful pause to me, but I could have been wrong.

‘You sound surprised.’

‘I am.’ His bluntness reminded me he apparently never told lies, even tactful ones. ‘I’m somewhat confused about what you can offer her, if I’m to be truthful.’

‘You invited me for dinner, not Paula,’ I reminded him, given that he was just insulting me now.

‘I know. That may have been a mistake. If so, I apologise.’

‘Eh, okay.’ Why was he apologising to
me
? ‘A
mistake
in what way?’

‘James, it’s obvious you harbour feelings for Paula. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, nor should you be condemned for those feelings.’
Oh fuck
. ‘But I don’t think you’ve quite grasped that she is
unavailable
.’

I was going to have to start lying soon. I wasn’t confident. ‘I know she’s married, Simon.’ No lie there, so hopefully still okay.

‘Yes, but do you
know
that, James. Really
know
it?’

‘Yes, I
really
do. Has been for five years, to Ingo with the sick grandad. It’s come up, Simon, we talked about it. I’m under no illusions, I assure you.’ Again, no untruths, strictly speaking.

For the first time since I’d met him Simon looked uncertain. ‘You have no intention of attempting to take your relationship with Paula beyond the platonic, is this what you’re telling me, James?’

Sadly it was, for the moment at least. ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you, Simon.’

He still didn’t look completely convinced, but he also didn’t look completely unconvinced, which was about as good as I figured I could hope for.

‘Good enough,’ Simon said. ‘In that case I withdraw my apology about inviting you to dinner. It was a pleasure to watch The Master in the company of another aficionado.’ He raised his glass to me before draining its contents.

My nervousness dimmed as I grasped that I’d apparently got away with that, so I was surprised when my left thigh muscle started to spasm. It took a moment to realise it was my mobile vibrating in my pocket. I smiled at Simon as I brought the phone out and looked at the screen. I attempted to maintain my smile as I saw it was Paula.

There was no way I was going to cut her off so I had little choice but to answer. ‘Hello?’ I said as innocently as possible.

‘
I love you Jim Cooper!’
Paula shouted down the phone, as pissed as a pissed person.

‘Yes, hi, how are you?’ I signalled to Simon that I was going outside because of the noise. At least that’s what I hoped I had indicated, I may just have waved my arm around and looked terrified. Either way Simon nodded and I bolted for the door.

‘Don’t you
how are you
me,
m’boy
,’ Paula said. ‘Tell me you love me,
now!
’

‘I love you; of course I do, sorry.’ I made it outside to the relative quiet of the pavement teeming with drunken smokers. ‘I was in the pub there, I couldn’t hear you properly.’

‘You better not be out with a girl!’

‘No, actually I’m with your—’

‘James.’ I froze, then turned to see Simon standing in the pub’s doorway. ‘Don’t mind me, just needed some air,’ he said.

‘Who? Who are you with,
ya
fecker
?’ Paula shouted down the phone. Whenever I heard her voice, or even thought about her at all, she appeared like a vision in my head. On this occasion, the vision was swaying from side to side and holding on to a convenient wall for balance. ‘Is it Terry? Put him on the phone, I’m going to make him face up to his gayness!’

‘No, no it’s not … that,’ I said. I smiled at Simon and raised my eyebrows, hoping to give the impression I was placating an inebriated friend. This wasn’t
too
far from the truth, but it was further than I would have liked. Simon winked at me, which could have meant anything.

‘I’ve told Sammy about him, he thinks he can help,’ Paula said. ‘We should introduce them.’

‘We’ll have to look into that then,’ I said. ‘So, have you had a good day?’

‘Feckin’ excellent, boyo. My sister’s a danger to herself and others, I’m telling ye’. Uncle Sammy’s not much better. I had to leave them to it, I’m out of practice. They’re away to the Polo Lounge to scare some wee boys.’

‘Okay, where are you?’ I shrugged at Simon. He winked again, which made me uncomfortable.

‘
D’you
know, I’ve got no idea,’ Paula said. ‘There’s some trees and a big path. I passed the water a minute ago. I didn’t
pass water
, I crossed the river, that’s what I meant. I feckin’ love you, Jim Cooper.’

‘Smashing. That’ll be Glasgow Green. Get on the main road and get a taxi.’ Now I was scared for both of us. Paula would almost certainly eat anyone who tried to bother her, but I didn’t like the idea of her wandering about
Glasgow
on her own. It’s a
Dear Green Place
, but it can also be a
Severe Mean Place
when it wants to be.

‘Tell me you love me,’ she demanded.

‘Absolutely, that’s completely true. Can you see any taxis?’ Simon was still standing there, still smiling.

‘Not yet,’ Paula said. ‘I’ve got no shoes on. How did that happen?’

‘Are they in your hand?’

There was a pause, then: ‘Yes they are! How did you know that?’

‘I’m a good guesser,’ I said. ‘Maybe you should put them on, then get a taxi.’

‘Okay, hold on.’ I heard some muffled grunts and a brief
c’mere
ya
fecker
.
‘That’s them on. Did you tell me you loved me yet?’

‘Yes I did.’

‘Just as well for you. Where are you?’

‘Kelly’s.’

‘There’s one coming, hoy, HOY!’ I pulled the phone away from my ear as Paula yelled, presumably at a taxi. ‘He’s stopping.’

‘Excellent. Stay on the phone till you’re on your way then I’d better get back.’
Thank God for that
, I thought. She’d soon be headed home and I didn’t think I’d given the game away to Simon. Plus, I had some juicy ammunition to slag Paula off about next time we spoke.

‘Aw, you’re worried about me, that’s so sweet.’ I heard the car door slam shut as Paula spoke to the driver. ‘Cheers, matey. Kelly’s, please. See you in a minute, Jimmy boy!’ She hung up.

I stood there with the phone at my ear, no idea how best to proceed; Simon was still there beside me with that bloody smile on his face.

‘Okay, bye,’ I said to no one.

‘Everything all right?’ Simon asked.

‘Eh, yeah, fine,’ I said, returning the phone to my pocket. Paula was less than ten minutes away, I had to think fast. How could I get Simon out of there without looking suspicious? I could tell him I had to go and hope he would make tracks too, but knowing him he might decide to go back and psychoanalyse Vincent. I thought about suggesting we moved on to another pub and then doing a runner, but that would probably have ramifications in the longer term.

‘Are you after another pint, James?’ Simon said, nodding back towards the door of the pub.

‘Eh, I’m . . . not sure.’
Think, for Christ’s sake!
‘Terry, eh, that was Terry on the phone by the way …’
Shit,
I’d just outright lied to Simon for the first time. He would know, he would
know
. I didn’t have any choice but to keep going, though. ‘He, eh, he’s on his way here, but he’s in a bit of a state.’

‘What’s the problem?’

‘Eh, he’s been dealing with some sexual-orientation issues recently, and things have come to a bit of a head, it seems.’

‘Is that so? I could probably help him out with that; I’ve a great deal of experience with people who have problems admitting to the truth about where their attractions lie.’ I tried not to read anything into the knowing look Simon gave me as he said this.

‘That’s very kind of you, but I’m not sure he’s ready to speak to anyone else about it yet; I think he’d rather just have a wee chat with me at this, eh, juncture.’
Juncture?
I had never used the word ‘juncture’ in my life.
Get a grip, Cooper!
‘I’m sorry to cut the night short on you, Simon. You must think I’m terribly rude.’
Terribly rude?
What, I’d turned into Colin Firth now?

Simon looked me in the eye for a second as he came to decision. ‘No, James, you are quite right, we must all look after our friends. You never know when you’ll need the favour returned. I should be getting back anyway, if Declan gets voted out tonight Louise will be inconsolable.’

‘Right, yes, okay. Thanks for understanding. Can I phone you a cab?’ I pulled my mobile out again.

‘No, no. It’s a fine night; I think I’ll walk for a spell. I’ll keep my shoes on though, unlike Terry. A pleasure as always, James.’

As I watched him wander up the street my relief was tempered by the distinct impression that Simon hadn’t fallen for my story so much as chosen to let me off the hook. This was not a pleasant feeling.

Chapter 19

I found a space at the bar as close to the door but as far away from the still solitary Vincent as possible, and ordered a pint.

Even with Simon safely gone I was surprisingly nervous about the fact that Paula was on her way. Yes, she’d said she loved me, and I’m pretty sure she meant it, but now I had to live up to that, to prove I deserved it.

I had a finite amount of time ahead of me to make sure she knew she was making the right decision; not right for me, but for her. There wasn’t even a tiny doubt in my head it was right for me; that in itself was bizarre. Every relationship I’d ever been part of had, in some strange way, been over before it had even started, in my head. If I’m being brutally honest, I had probably been a bit of a bastard to let some of them go as far as they had, when (not too) deep down I had known they were doomed from the outset.