Schasm (Schasm Series) (22 page)

Just as I think I can’t take it anymore, I feel a plush surface conform to my body. It feels infinitely better than the hospital bed I’ve become accustomed to. I’m scared to open my eyes, but I know it’s time to face whatever awaits me.

I peek out of the corner of one eye, thrilled to find myself in Alex and Celia’s living room. Though the excitement only lasts for a second as I remember Alex might not be here now that he’s at the institution.

I’m happy I at least get to see Celia. I hate having to explain the severity of Alex’s condition to her.

I try to sit up, but my head pounds. The room is spinning. I hope this feeling stops so I can stand up without falling over.

“Celia, are you here?” I shout.

I hear footsteps moving quickly down the hall. They don’t sound like Celia’s dainty feet…more like a man’s footsteps. His shadow appears on the opposite wall. When he turns the corner, my mouth falls open. I want to cry, laugh…scream. All I can do is whisper his name.

“Alex…”

“What in the world happened to you, Chloe? Did you not listen to me?” he asks. His skin has a bright glow again, his freckles are sharp and dominant, and his hair is a perfect mess. But his eyes are not happy. “You didn’t stick to our plan…meet me back here in three days.”

“I couldn’t…” I try to stand and stumble instead.

He clutches his hand around my elbow. “What happened to you?”

I grab at the fabric of his shirt. “I saw you…at the institution. I saw you. They committed me and I saw—

“Wait—you’re in the institution? Now?”

“Yes…I saw you. You didn’t recognize me.” The pain of it becomes fresh again.

“Who put you in there?” he asks, grabbing the back of his neck in anger.

“My mother.” I forgot that he doesn’t know how horrible she really is. “She’s having me medicated to make sure I don’t drift anymore.”

“Then how did you finally get here?”

“You tell me how you got here,” I say, “and I’ll tell you how I did. And then you can tell me why you never mentioned that you were a patient in the institution.”

He avoids that altogether. “Just promise me that you’ll do what the doctors say. I want you out of there. The last couple of weeks have been total hell for me.” His eyes drop to his lap. “I’ve sat here every day and night worrying about you and thinking that you forgot about me or didn’t want to see me again.”

Why won’t he just tell me why he’s in that damned place?

Maybe I don’t really want to know…

I cross my arms over my chest. I can’t believe I’m wasting whatever time I have here right now, fighting for the truth, when all I want to do is fall into his arms. “I never wanted to leave you in the first place,” I say. “You think
your
last two weeks were hell?” My breath puffs from between my tightened lips. “You can’t even function out there in the real world…you don’t even know who I am outside of this place. It breaks my heart in a way that I didn’t even know was possible. It hurt to look into the empty eyes of the person I thought I knew.”

“Chloe, I—”

I’m not finished. “My reaction landed me in a straitjacket and locked in a padded room. Don’t you think that deserves some kind of explanation?”

“I can’t talk about this right now,” he says.

Celia walks in the room as he walks out. She hugs me, so tightly. I never want her to let go.

“Celia, tell me what’s going on with him?” I plead.

She shakes her head. “He should be the one to tell you, Chloe. I’m really sorry.”

I storm down the hall toward his bedroom. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees, holding his head up with his palms. His posture cries defeat.

“Please talk to me,” I say. “Please.” I sit down next to him.

He breathes deeply, swallowing air. Then finally, he begins. “Chloe, my being in the institution isn’t new.” He can’t look me in the eyes. “I’ve been there since I was seven years old.”

What? “I…don’t understand. I don’t…”

“Most days I have no clue who I am or who anyone is. In the outside world, that is my reality.”

I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach.

His eyes gloss over. “If you want to leave after you hear this, I’ll understand completely.”

“Alex, I would never do that.”

“It’s okay,” he says. His lips turn into a forced half smile. “I knew this thing between us would only be temporary, until you found out the truth.” The disappointment in his eyes tells me he was hoping I’d never find out.

“That’s very selfish, Alex,” I say, forcing my words to sound hard.

“I know.” His face tightens.

 I pull his hand in between both of mine. “I mean, you are selfish to think that I could bear to be away from you.” I shove my knees underneath myself, moving up to his eye level. “We
need
each other, now more than ever. Even if I can’t be with that part of you out there, I still want this part of you here.” I grab his hands and kiss his palms. “As far as I’m concerned,
this
is the real you.”

 His face relaxes and he pulls me in with force that makes me gasp. “Chloe,” he says with an unsteady voice. He swallows hard, looking as if he’s fighting the words that seem to be erupting from the bottom of his stomach. “You might think it’s too soon to hear this.” He knocks my hands off of his shoulders, places his tight grip on each of my arms and lowers his mouth to my ear. His breaths quicken and the words he’s trying to speak hitch in his throat. I have to force myself to breathe. “I’m in love with you…and it’s not a new thing for me.” The words whispered over my skin sting, burn, melt into me as if someone was branding my heart. When his voice turns from breath to sound, my heart palpitates through every part of my body that has a pulse. He swallows again. “I love you so much that I searched every alternate world I had just to find you, to make you mine.” The force of him is magnetic. “You are a part of me, a part I won’t be able to live without anymore.” He pulls in a sharp breath and presses his lips into mine with so much power that I lose my balance and fall into the cradle of his arms. His face lingers over mine and a smile stretches across his cheeks, illuminating his dimples. “You always have been the best part of my horrifying, screwed-up life. You’re amazing.”

He loves me…

I’m not even sure I’d recognize what love feels like. The thought forms a lump in my throat. “No one has ever loved me before…I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.” I grab his hand and smooth my thumb over his knuckles.

His determined look tells me he isn’t defeated by my not responding in kind. “It’s okay. I will wait for you to figure it out, for as long as it takes.” He sounds resolute.

I’m glad one of us is.

He pulls me back into him. His lips move around mine with purpose and need, leaving me winded. “You won’t have to try to fall in love with me, Chloe. Just give me a chance to show you what happiness can feel like.”

I smile. “You already have, Alex.”

Our eyes are caught in an unbreakable gaze, a gaze so intense that it’s easy to see how much we need to be together and how much we need each other. All of the pain I felt when he didn’t know who I was is fading away. I know we’ll make it work somehow.

I have no words left, and neither does he. I lean over and pull his face back into mine. His tongue brushes across my top lip. The sensation liquefies me. My muscles have forgotten how to function and I fall backwards onto the bed. He follows and hovers over me. He looks even more beautiful from this angle. His fingertips graze the skin of my hip and feather around to the small of my back. I want to stay here with him forever.

I just wish I could.

His lips peck at my jawline and his ridged breath clarifies the intensity behind his feeling. I twist my hands into the material covering his chest, trying to keep a grip on this incredible moment, but my mind is tugging me back to the repulsive thought of returning to the institution. He doesn’t know that my stay here with him is temporary.

The pain of leaving and going back to the Alex who doesn’t know me, hits me all at once.

I prop myself up on my elbows forcing him up. “I can’t stay here, you know.” My words sputter with my unsteady breaths. “I’m still being kept hostage at the institution.” My smile unfolds and my heart rate slows. “They’re keeping me for at least another twenty-five days.”

He pulls his knees in, and leans over to lie down next to me. “Will you tell me how you got here?” he asks while stroking his thumb over my cheek, keeping my nerves on high alert.

I cover my eyes with my hand. “Only if you promise not to get mad.”

He leans in and brushes his lips against my cheek. “Chloe…what did you do?” His hand drifts down over my stomach, one finger on my bare skin below the hem of my shirt, and the rest of his hand rests over the fabric. How can I even focus on the truth right now?

I pull in a deep breath to regain my self-control. “I ran into my long-lost uncle at the institution.” I rake my unsteady fingers through my hair, fighting my mind for the rest of the explanation. “Evidently, he’s an outpatient there. He wanted to help me. So he gave me a pill to reverse the drug that the doctors are using to keep me from drifting.”

He snaps his body into an upright position. “Chloe," he scolds. Suddenly, the romance is gone. "What color was the pill he gave you?”

“Black." I shrug my shoulders in a nonchalant manner. "It wasn’t bad. Just made me feel a little strange and a bit sick when I woke up here. I’m okay now though.”

He exhales a long exasperated gust of air. “Those aren’t just drugs he creates, Chloe. They’re hallucinogens. They’re really dangerous.”

“Wait…how do you know what they are?”

He waves it off. “I just do. Tell me you aren’t going to take them again…even if it means you can’t see me again.

“My mind is obviously strong enough to handle them, Alex,” I say.

“No. You can’t.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, Alex.”

He’s silent for a few seconds. Then he shrugs. “It’s your choice, Chloe. I won’t tell you what to do.” His expression doesn’t match his words. I can see he wants to tell me what to do. “If anything weird happens, please promise me that you’ll stop taking them.” His words are pleading, but I know I’m okay, and I’ll be okay like I am now. “Trust me, Chloe, I don’t want to go another day without you either, but I’m not willing to risk your life over it.”

“I promise,” I say, running my fingers through his hair. “I only have four more pills left anyway.”

“How long do you think you have before this pill wears off?” he asks as his fingers trail along the seam of my pants.”

“I don’t know,” I say, pulling him back down to me.

He presses his nose under my ear and drags it down to my collarbone. “I’ll miss you.” His words vibrate against my skin, causing shivers against the heat rushing through me. “I’ll be waiting right here when you come back, no matter how long it takes. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t know if I can wait that long,” I say.

I am more than comfortable in the cradle of his arms. I fall asleep to the scent of coconut. He places a warm kiss on my temple seconds before everything turns to black.

As darkness sets in, so does a searing pain in my head. My brain feels like it’s about to explode.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

SELF-ANNIHILATION

THE LIGHT LEAKING INTO MY ROOM
makes my body quiver in pain. Colorful spots are bouncing around in front of my face. My heart is pounding in my head. I push my fingers into both sides of my head, squeezing as hard as I can, hoping to make the pain stop. But it only gets worse.

I squeeze my thumb over the nurses’ button and hold it there until Charlie comes running into my room.

“What’s going on, Chloe? Are you okay?”

I twist my hands in my hair and pull from each side. “My head is throbbing,” I groan. "I need something to make the pain stop right now.”

“Okay…calm down, sweetie.” She pulls my hand from my head and checks my pulse. “When did you start having pain?”

“I don’t know," I whine. "I just woke up with it. Give me something. Please.”

She places my hand on my lap and elevates the bed. “Chloe, bear with me for a moment.” She places her chilled hands under my chin “On a scale of one to ten, how bad would you rate the pain?”

“It’s a ten,” I shout. “A ten!”

 “I’ll be right back. Okay?” Her voice is soft and calm.

“Just hurry,” I plead.

Tears sting my eyes as they trickle out. I only wish that the chill from the tears would relieve some of the pain, but it doesn’t. Dr. Greene jogs into the room, looking as if he was running a cool down lap after a marathon. Charlie follows him.

“What’s going on, Chloe?” he asks while scanning his eyes over my chart.

“Please don’t make me repeat everything I just told her. The pain is too much.” I squeeze my palms into the sides of my head again, gritting my teeth so hard that they are starting to ache. "Please don't make me speak anymore.”

He pulls out a needle, squeezes the syringe until liquid shoots from the top and injects it into my arm. The beautiful sting sends cool fluid through my veins. It numbs the pain faster than I could have hoped. I feel all of my muscles relax, and my head falls back against my pillow.

“How’s that? Is it working?” Dr. Greene asks.

I sigh, relieved. “Yes, I think it’s starting to work.” My words are slow and sound like they are catching on my tongue.

He lifts up my chart and marks down some notes before looking back up at me. “So blockers work for you, then…good to know.” He drops the clipboard back into the plastic holder, but the clunk sounds more like a mattress falling to the ground. “Could make you dizzy, so why don’t you just lie here for a while.”

“Okay,” I sing, as I close my eyes and welcome the relief.

Dr. Greene clears his throat. “Chloe, do you know what caused the headache?” His face looks suspicious.

If I tell him I took a random black pill from my recently—discovered uncle, I’ll probably buy myself a ticket to the padded room again. “Maybe it’s from the medication you’re giving me?”